In the Loop - Confrontation in a Tense Political Setting
Malcolm Tucker:
I'm sorry... I don't... This situation here... Is this it? No offense, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a fucking toilet.
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In the Loop - Rehearsing Detachment in Political Discourse
Malcolm Tucker:
Karen Clark will want you to say that war is unforeseeable, and Linton Barwick will want you to talk about the "climb the mountain of conflict" line. You say nothing, okay? You stay detached, otherwise that's what I'll do to your retinas.
Simon Foster:
Right, can I go to bed now, please?
Malcolm Tucker:
No, no, no, no, no! You're gonna stay here, and you're gonna rehearse saying nothing!
Simon Foster:
Am I being tortured?
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In the Loop - Witty Banter Across Time Zones
Malcolm Tucker: [[w:I_Am_The_Walrus|I'm the egg man.]
I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking everywhere. ]
Simon Foster:
Have you come to insult me in a different timezone?
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In the Loop - Escalating Tensions in a Frustrating Situation
Simon Foster:
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK! Why didn't we nail the line?!
Judy Molloy:
Simon, I did try to warn you.
Simon Foster:
Yes! Yes! You did try to warn me, but you don't actually stop me, did you?!
Judy Molloy:
I can't tackle you to the ground!
Simon Foster:
That's like shouting "Train!" as someone gets hit by a train! You should go, "Train! It's a fucking train!
Judy Molloy: [her phone rings]
Bollocks!
Simon Foster: [his phone rings also]
Fuck, it's Malcolm!
Judy Molloy:
Mine's Malcolm, too.
Simon Foster:
How does he do that?
Malcolm Tucker: [talking on two mobiles]
Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government via the news unless they've just died. Be here, now!
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In the Loop - A Lesson in Direct Communication
Malcolm Tucker: [to Toby]
Hey, foetus boy, lesson one: If I tell you to fuck off, what do you do?
Toby Wright:
Umm... Eff off?
Malcolm Tucker:
You'll go far! Now fuck off.
Toby Wright: [leaves the room]
Right.
Simon Foster:
Judy and I were thinking that I could row back on Question Time tonight—
Malcolm Tucker:
You're not going on Question Time, you've been disinvited.
Simon Foster:
We've been prepping Question Time!
Judy Molloy:
Why wasn't I told about this?
Malcolm Tucker:
Why the fuck would I tell you it?! I've told you to fuck off twice, and yet you're still here!
Judy Molloy:
You should tell me about it because it's a scheduled media appearance by this department's secretary of state, so therefore it falls well within my purview!
Malcolm Tucker:
Within your purview"?
Judy Molloy:
Yes!
Malcolm Tucker: [[Jane Austen|Jane fucking Austen]
Where do you think you are, in some fucking regency costume drama?! This is a government department! Not a fucking ] novel!
Simon Foster:
Malcolm...
Malcolm Tucker:
Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your "purview" and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse-cock!
Judy Molloy: [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]
Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me, those kids make you sound like... ]!
Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon]
She's married? Poor bastard.
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In the Loop - Unexpected Visitor Arrives Without Warning
Simon Foster:
Who was that?
Judy Molloy:
Malcolm. He's coming to see you.
Simon Foster:
Oh shit, he's still alive. When's he due?
Malcolm Tucker: [Entering the room]
Now. And don't say you weren't prepared, because I rang ahead.
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In the Loop - The Unpredictability of War
Simon Foster: [In a radio interview]
Well, personally, I think that war is unforeseeable.
Malcolm Tucker:
Sam! Sam!
Eddie Mair: [On radio]
Unforeseeable"?
Simon Foster: [On radio]
Yes.
Malcolm Tucker:
No, you do not think that! Sam, I'm going to have to go to International Development and pull Simon Foster's fucking hair.
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In the Loop - A Bold Expression of Frustration
Malcolm Tucker: [to the Passer-by]
Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck!
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In the Loop - Confronting Boredom with Brutal Honesty
Malcolm Tucker: [to Linton Barwick]
You know, I've come across a lot of psychos, but none as fucking boring as you! I mean, you are a real boring fuck! Sorry, I know you disapprove of the swearing, so I'll sort that. You are a boring F-star-star-CUNT.
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In the Loop - Insulting Charm in Diplomatic Discourse
Malcolm Tucker: [to Sir Jonathan Tutt]
Mr Ambassador, with your big baldy head, you are spoiling us!
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In the Loop - Threatening Expression of Frustration
Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon Foster]
You know, if I could, I'd fucking punch you into paralysis!
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In the Loop - Work Ethic and Exhaustion in Politics
Malcolm Tucker:
You sure you're working as hard as me? Cause I'm sweating spinal fluid here! I'm a fucking husk!
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In the Loop - Malcolm Tucker's Frustration with Simon
Malcolm Tucker:
Christ on a bendy-bus, Simon, don't be such a fucking faff-arse.
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In the Loop - Confronting Conflict with Harsh Critique
Malcolm Tucker: [[Julie Andrews]
Climb the mountain of conflict"? You know what you sounded like? You sounded like a fucking Nazi ]!
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In the Loop - Coup d'état with goons available
Malcolm Tucker: [[The Pentagon|Pentagon]
We've got enough ] goons to stage a fucking coup d'etat.
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In the Loop - Unpredictability Described by Malcolm Tucker
Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon Foster; [Nat King Cole|Nat King fucking Cole]
In the words of the late great ], unforeseeable, that's what you are.
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In the Loop - Agreement in a Moment of Decision
Malcolm Tucker: [[w:The Diary of a Nobody|diarrhea of a nobody]
Yeah, ]. Yeah, I like that.
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In the Loop - Media Forces of Darkness and Consequences
Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon Foster]
I will marshal all the media forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide.
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In the Loop - Malcolm Tucker's Frustration and Demands
Malcolm Tucker: [On mobile phone]
I'm not holding any longer. What's he waiting for, a fucking sex change? NO, YOU RELAX! Get me fucking Brian! If you don't get me fucking Brian, I'm gonna come over there, I'm gonna lock you in a fucking flotation tank, and pump it full of sewage until you fucking drown!
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In the Loop - Malcolm Tucker's Dark Humor on Betrayal
Malcolm Tucker: [On mobile phone]
Okay, okay, go ahead and print "unforeseeable." Listen, see when I tell your wife about you and Angela Heaney at the Blackpool conference, what would be best? An email, a phone call, what? Hey! I could write it on a cake with those little silver balls: "Your hack husband betrayed you on October the 4th and congratulations on the new baby." Yeah, maybe it's better to spike it. Yeah, okay, fuckity-bye!
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