Richard DreyfussQuotes

Moses Wine: The last I saw you, we were in the back of a Chrysler hearse.

Lila Shea: Cadillac hearse.

Moses Wine: Cadillac hearse, across from People's Park.

Lila Shea: ...making love.

Moses Wine: Why didn't I ever see you again?

Lila Shea: Oh, at that time, I thought monogamy was a male conspiracy.

Moses Wine: Ohhhh, what about now?

Lila Shea: Now, I am sure it is!

Moses Wine: Bakunin? Bakunin was a terrorist monster. You are not an authority on Bakunin just because you used to date every terrorist in Soviet Russia, that does not make you an authority.

Carrie: How would you feel if I wanted to know every little thing about you?

Joe: I'd feel loved.

Ken Harrison: I admit that it's embarrassing for a man to compliment a woman on her breasts when only one of them is in bed. One of the people, that is. Not one of the breasts.

Ken Harrison: I better be nice to this woman. Otherwise, the good doctor will dissolve her in water and inject her into me.

Ken Harrison: Hello, I was just practicing lying here.

Ken Harrison: How does a quadriplegic cross the road? He was stapled to a chicken.

Ken Harrison: Some nurses and I went out for a little midnight skateboarding last night. The only trouble was that I was the skateboard.

Elliot Garfield: [after hearing that his play has closed] That's okay. Now I'm free to take that other job.

Lucy McFadden: What other job?

Elliot Garfield: I'm looking, I'm looking!

Lucy McFadden: [after Elliot's play flops] Congratulations!

Elliot Garfield: For what?

Lucy McFadden: I didn't know what else to say.

Paula McFadden: I thought you said you were decent.

Elliot Garfield: I am decent. I also happen to be naked.

Elliot Garfield: I happen to have a lease in my pocket. Are you gonna honor it or what?

Paula McFadden: I have a daughter in my bedroom. That tops the lease in your pocket.

Elliot Garfield: You're not the only one who can yell rape, you know.

Elliot Garfield: You know I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first rate.

Elliot Garfield: You know I liked you from the first time I met you when you answered the door. I said to myself, "This is the best half-a-face I ever saw!

Elliot Garfield: What is it about you that makes a man with a hundred forty-seven I.Q. feel like a dribbling idiot?

Elliot Garfield: *during a rehearsal of Richard III in which his director has made him play the title character as a flamboyant homosexual

Elliot Garfield: My careereth is over. I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth. Mark, I'm begging you. I'm BEGGING you. You want this kind of performance? Let me play Lady Anne.

Elliot Garfield: Miss McFadden, today I begin rehearsals for my first New York play. It will be the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. For I have meditated. I am relaxed. I am calm. I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated, and therefore you are a pain in the ass.

Elliot Garfield: *reading a review of his disastrous Richard III performance

Elliot Garfield: It never occurred to us that William Shakespeare wrote the Wizard of Oz. However, Elliot Garfield makes a splendid Wicked Witch of the North." Tacky. Tacky. Well, if they're gonna kill me. Let em kill me with panache.

Elliot Garfield: If you were a Broadway musical, people would be humming your face.

Elliot Garfield: *after being told not to bring any female guests into the apartment

Elliot Garfield: I will bring home anyone or anything I chose including a one-eyed Episcopalian Kangaroo if that happens to be my kinky inclination.

Elliot Garfield: I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I'd keep my door closed.

Principal Wolters: [[Mozart] I care about these kids just as much as you do. And if I'm forced to choose between ] and reading and writing and long division, I choose long division.

Glenn Holland: Well, I guess you can cut the arts as much as you want, Gene. Sooner or later, these kids aren't going to have anything to read or write about.

Glenn Holland: Well, congratulations, Gene. You've been looking for a way to get rid of me for 30 years, and they finally gave you an excuse.

Vice Principal Wolters: You know, I'm not as popular as you. I'm not anybody's favorite anything.

Glenn Holland: That's because you're the enemy, Gene. You just don't know it.

Iris Holland: [translating Cole's signing for Glenn; [John Lennon] Why do you assume that ]'s death would mean nothing to me? Do you think I'm stupid? I know who John Lennon is.

Glenn Holland: [Glenn turns to Iris] I never said that he...

Iris Holland: [Iris continues translating] I can't read your lips if you don't look at me.

Glenn Holland: [Glenn looks back at Cole] I never said you were stupid.

Iris Holland: [[The Beatles] You must think so. If you think I don't know who ] are or any music at all. You think I don't care about what it is you do or what you love? You're my father. I know what music is. You could help me to know it better, but - no. You care more about teaching other people than you do about me.

Glenn Holland: [Cole makes a final gesture, Iris doesn't translate it] Iris... What does this mean?

Iris Holland: That means "asshole".

Glenn Holland: [playing [[w:Symphony No. 7 (Beethoven)|Beethoven's Seventh Symphony] ] for his class] He couldn't hear. Of all people. Not a thing. And because Beethoven couldn't hear, the thought of him conducting, let alone composing, was pathetic to most people. And so to answer them, he composed and conducted the seventh symphony. Just try to imagine; Beethoven standing on that podium, holding his baton, his hands waving gracefully through the air. The orchestra in his mind is playing perfectly, and the orchestra in front of him, trying desperately just to keep up. There is a story, that in order to write his music, Beethoven literally sawed the legs off of his piano, so that the body would lay flat on the floor. And he would lie down next the piano with his ear pressed to the floor, and he would hit the keys with his fingers in order to hear his music through the vibrations of the floor.

Student: Mister Holland? If he couldn't hear, how would he even know what the notes were? Like, if he never heard a "C", how did he know that's what he wanted to play?

Glenn Holland: [pause] Well... Beethoven wasn't born deaf.

Glenn Holland: Which instrument do you think you'd like to play?

Louis Russ: Well, I was kinda thinkin like... How about electric guitar?

Glenn Holland: Well, this is a marching band. The extension cord will kill us.

Vice Principal Wolters: Have you been to any of the football games this season, Mr. Holland?

Glenn Holland: I can't say that I have, no.

Vice Principal Wolters: Well, Mrs. Jacobs and I feel that there's something missing.

Glenn Holland: Touchdowns?

Glenn Holland: The doctor said that gestures meant...

Iris Holland: It's way more than gestures.

Glenn Holland: That gestures meant that Cole would never learn how to lip read or to talk!

Iris Holland: He can barely talk now, he can't say two or three words!

Glenn Holland: The guy is a specialist, Iris!

Iris Holland: Ohhh, he's a specialist who thinks that deaf people are retarded and he is not retarded, he is...

Iris Holland: Cole!

Glenn Holland: What does he...? Give him what he wants!

Iris Holland: [Starts sobbing and hugging Cole] I don't know what he wants, I don't understand what he's trying to say. Don't you get it? You walk to school every day with all these children who are normal. I can't talk to my son! I don't know what he wants or what he thinks or what he feels. I can't tell him that I love him, I can't tell him who I am. I want to talk to my son! I don't care what it costs, I don't care what the stupid doctor says it's right or wrong. I want to talk to my son!

Glenn Holland: Let me ask you a question. When you look in the mirror, what do you like best about yourself?

Gertrude Lang: My hair.

Glenn Holland: Why?

Gertrude Lang: Well, my father always says that it reminds him of the sunset.

Glenn Holland: Play the sunset. Close your eyes. One, two, three, four.

Iris Holland: When you were in high school, did you ever wonder if your teachers went home and got it on at night?

Glenn Holland: When I was in high school, my teachers were all priests and nuns.

Iris Holland: I had such a crush on Mr. Griffith, he could've taken me home any time.

Glenn Holland: Really?

Iris Holland: Mhm.

Glenn Holland: And who was this Mr. Griffith?

Iris Holland: Oh, he was my music teacher.

Glenn Holland: [to Rowena Morgan - after she tells him she'd love to be a singer in New York] ... you have a great talent and if you have the passion, if you have the hunger, then you oughta go to New York and do what you want to do, no matter what anyone tells you.

Glenn Holland: You work for 30 years because you think that what you do makes a difference, you think it matters to people, but then you wake up one morning and find out, well no, you've made a little error there, you're expendable. I should be laughing.

Glenn Holland: It's almost funny. I got dragged into this gig kicking and screaming, and now it's the only thing I want to do.

Glenn Holland: The day they cut the football budget in this state, that will be the end of Western Civilization as we know it!

Glenn Holland: Playing music is supposed to be fun. It's about heart, it's about feelings, moving people, and something beautiful, and it's not about notes on a page. I can teach you notes on a page, I can't teach you that other stuff.

The Player: There we were—demented children mincing about in clothes that no one ever wore, speaking as no man ever spoke, swearing love in wigs and rhymed couplets, killing each other with wooden swords, hollow protestations of faith hurled after empty promises of vengeance—and every gesture, every pose, vanishing into the thin unpopulated air. We ransomed our dignity to the clouds, and the uncomprehending birds listened. Don't you see?! We're actors—we're the opposite of people!

The Player: We're more of the love, blood and rhetoric school. Well, we can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can't give you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. They're all blood, you see.

The Player: We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.

Dr. Leo Marvin: [To the Guttmans, who saw him push Bob into the lake] WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?! I HAD EVERY RIGHT TO BUY THIS HOUSE!

Dr. Leo Marvin: Son of a bitchin', BOB!

Colin Powell: So what is our real exit strategy on Iraq, Dick?

Dick Cheney: There is no exit. We stay. Empire. Real empire. Nobody will fuck with us again.

Colin Powell: Spoken like a true oilman.

Gen. Colin Powell: Funny Dick, I remember you once agreeing that going all the way in Baghdad would be a mistake.

Dick Cheney: Well, I think you made a bigger boo-boo, Colin. You could have been president.

Gen. Colin Powell: Fuck you.

Dick Cheney: [talking about torture methods] They utilize fear scenarios.

George W. Bush: You mean like pulling out their toenails?

Dick Cheney: Want to know what I see, Mr. President? I see a world where, in about 25 years, America's reserves are gone. Done. Demand is up, 30-40%, and we have two oceans blocks us from the world's reserves. You think we're gonna have allies then?

Pete Sandich: [Speaking to Dorinda after he's dead] I know now, that the love we hold back is the only pain that follows us here.

Pete Sandich: There's something fishy going on here. And I don't think it's the chicken.

Dylan Johns: [to Richard, who has Marco Valentin clinging to his leg as they dangle at the entrance to an elevator shaft, with an elevator above them about to fall] Shake him off! Shake him off! Now, or you both die!

Marco Valentin: No!

Richard Nelson: [to Marco] I'm so sorry.

Dylan Johns: Shake him off! Now!

Marco Valentin: No! No! NOOOOOOOOO!

Richard Nelson: I wouldn't put a lot of faith on what the captain says. I'm an architect, and these boats weren't designed to float upside down.

Curt Henderson: It doesn’t make sense to leave home to look for home, to give up a life to find a new life, to say goodbye to friends you love just to make new friends.

Curt Henderson: Quick! Hang a right...Cut over to G Street. I just saw a vision! I saw a goddess. Come on, you've got to catch up to her... This was the most perfect, dazzling creature I've ever seen... She spoke to me. She spoke to me right through the window. I think she said, I love you. That means nothing to you people? You have no romance, no soul? She - someone wants me. Someone roaming the streets wants me! Will you turn the corner?

Roy Neary: I figured it out, that's all. Will you just listen?... Have you ever looked at something and it's crazy, and then you looked at it in another way and it's not crazy at all?... Don't be scared. Just don't be scared. I feel really good. Everything's gonna be all right. I haven't felt this good in years.

Roy Neary: I know this sounds crazy, but ever since yesterday on the road, I've been seeing this shape. Shaving cream, pillows...Dammit! I know this. I know what this is! This means something. This is important.

Roy Neary: [[w:Aurora Borealis|Aurora Borealis; wakes his kids] Honey... Ronnie... Wake up. You're not gonna believe what I saw!... I never would have believed it. There was this, uh, in the cab, there was this... it was a red whoosh... You know those pictures in the National Geographic about the ]? This is better than that! Come on! Ronnie, I need you to see something with me. It's really important. Sylvia, come on. We're going on a little adventure. Toby! Brad! Come on. Get up. Up!... It's better than Goofy Golf! Come on!

Chris: I'm never gonna get out of this town am I, Gordie?

Gordie: You can do anything you want, man.

Chris: Yeah, sure. Give me some skin.

Gordie: I'll see ya.

Chris: Not if I see you first.

The Writer: [voiceover] Chris did get out. He enrolled in the college courses with me, and although it was hard, he gutted it out like he always did. He went on to college and eventually became a lawyer. Last week, he entered a fast food restaurant. Just ahead of him, two men got into an argument; one of them pulled a knife. Chris, who'd always made the best peace, tried to break it up. He was stabbed in the throat. He died almost instantly.

Milo: [Gordie starts running] HEY! Hey, you kid! What are you doing there?! Come over here! You! You come back here! COME BACK HERE, GODDAMMIT! I'LL SIC MY DOG ON YOU!

Vern, Chris, and Teddy: RUN, GORDIE, RUN! RUN, GORDIE!

Milo: Chopper! Sic him! Sic him, boy!

The Writer: [voiceover] Now he said, "Sic him, boy." But what I heard was, "Chopper, sic balls.

Gordie: That's Chopper?

The Writer: [voiceover] Chopper was my first lesson in the vast difference between myth and reality.

Teddy: [Chopper starts biting Teddy's shirt] Come on, Choppy! Kiss my ass, Choppy, kiss my ass! Come on! Bite shit!

Gordie: Come on, Choppy! Sic balls, Choppy!

Milo: [to Teddy] Hey, you kids! STOP TEASING THAT DOG! YA HEAR ME?! STOP TEASING HIM! Sonny, I'm gonna beat your ass, teasing my dog like that!

Teddy: Yeah? I'd like to see you try to climb over this fence and get me, fat-ass!

Milo: Don't you call me that, you little tin weasel. Peckerwood loony's son.

Teddy: What did you call me?

Milo: I know who you are. You're Teddy Duchamp. Your dad's a loony. A loony up in the nuthouse at Togus. He took your ear and he put it to a stove and he burnt it off.

Teddy: My father stormed the beach at Normandy.

Milo: He's crazier than a shithouse rat. No wonder you're acting the way you are, with a loony for a father!

Teddy: You call my dad a loony again, and I'll kill you.

Milo: [mockingly] Loony, loony, loony.

Teddy: [yells and jumps on the fence; the other boys restrain him] I'M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!!!! I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!!!

Milo: You come on and try it, you little slimy bastard!

Chris: He wants you to go over there so he can beat the piss out of you and then take you to the cops!

Milo: You watch your mouth, smart guy! Let him do his own fighting!

Gordie: Sure, you only outweigh him by 500 pounds, fat-ass!

Milo: I know your name. You're Lachance. I know all you guys. And all your fathers are gonna get a call from me, except for the loony up in Togus.

Teddy: [lunges again, but the others restrain him again] I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!

Milo: You little foul-mouthed whoremaster!

Teddy: [the boys begin walking away] YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU!

Milo: Come back here! Come back here, you hear me?!

Teddy: Nobody ranks out my old man!

Milo: Come back here!

Teddy: My father stormed the beach at Normandy!

Milo: I said come back here!

Teddy: HE STORMED THE BEACH, YOU FAGGOT!

Milo: Come back here!

Teddy: [[w:The Mickey Mouse Club|The Mickey Mouse Club; [w:Annette Funicello|Annette's] Have you guys been watching ] lately? I think ] tits are getting bigger.

Gordie: Yeah, I've been noticing lately that the "A"and the "E" are starting to bend around the sides.

Vern: Annette's tits are great.

Chris and Teddy: Yeah.

Vern: This is a really good time.

Chris: The most.

Teddy: A blast.

The Writer: [voiceover] Vern didn't just mean being off limits inside the junkyard, or fudging on our folks, or going on a hike up the railroad tracks to Harlow. He meant those things, but it seems to me now it was more and that we all knew it. Everything was there and around us. We knew exactly who we were and exactly where we were going. It was grand.

Vern: Great! Spit at the fat kid. Real good. What time is it, Gordie?

Gordie: [checks his watch] Um... It's 1:15.

Vern: We better go get the food. Junkyard opens at 3:00. Chopper will be here.

Chris: Ooh, sic balls.

Teddy: [to Vern] You go. You can pick us up on the way back.

Vern: I'm not going alone. We should all go.

Teddy: I'm stayin right here.

Gordie: Yeah, man, I'm not goin'. I'm not goin all the way out there.

Chris: Girls, girls, girls, cool it. We'll flip for it.

Gordie: Okay, odd man goes?

Teddy: That's you, Gordie, odd as a cod.

Gordie: [to Chris] Flip or eat lead.

Vern: Four tails! Oh, Jesus, man, that's a goocher.

Chris: Oh, come on, Vern. That doesn't mean anything. Let's go again.

Vern: No, man, a goocher. That's really bad. Remember when Clint Bracken and those guys got wiped out on Weed Hill in Durham? Billy told me they was flippin for beers, and they came up with a goocher before they got into the car. And bang! They all got totaled! I don't like this, man, sincerely.

Teddy: [to Vern] Vern-o, nobody believes that crap about moons and goochers. It's baby stuff! Now come on, flip again. You gonna flip, or not?

Teddy: [cackles; [screw the pooch|screwed the pooch; laughs] You lose, Gordie! Gordie loses! Oh, Gordie just ]!

Gordie: Does the word "retarded" mean anything to you?

Teddy: [[w:hermaphrodite|morphadite] Gordie, go and get the provisions, you ]!

Gordie: Don't call me any of your mother's pet names.

Teddy: What a wet end you are, Lachance!

Gordie: Shut up!

Teddy: I don't shut up.

Vern, Chris, and Teddy: [They point at each other's open mouths making gagging sounds] I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up!

Gordie: And then your mother goes around the corner and she licks it up.

Vern, Chris, and Teddy: Ooh!

The Writer: [voiceover] Finding new and, preferably, disgusting ways to degrade a friend's mother was always held in high regard.

Gordie: Hey, Vern, looks like your mom's been out driving again.

Vern: That's so funny, I forgot to laugh.

Teddy: [the boys toss their bags over the fence, then begin scaling it] Stand back, men! Paratroops, over the side!

The Writer: [voiceover] No trespassing" was enforced by Milo Pressman, the junkman, and his dog, Chopper, the most feared and least seen dog in Castle Rock. Legend had it that Milo had trained Chopper, not just to sic, but to sic specific parts of the human anatomy. Thus, a kid, who had illegally scaled the junkyard fence, might hear the dread cry, "Chopper, sic balls." But right now, neither the dread, Chopper, nor Milo was anywhere in sight.

The Writer: [typing, about Chris] Although I haven't seen him in more than ten years I know I'll miss him forever. I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anybody?

The Writer: [voiceover] As time went on we saw less and less of Teddy and Vern until eventually they became just two more faces in the halls. That happens sometimes. Friends come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant.

The Writer: [voiceover] I was 12 going on 13 first time I saw a dead human being. It happened in the summer of 1959. A long time ago. But only if you measure in terms of years. I was living in a small town in Oregon called Castle Rock. There were only 1281 people, but to me it was the whole world.

Alexander Dunning: You don't have people killed. I have people killed. I'm the bad guy, remember?

Chief Brody: [swimming back to shore] Hey, what day is this?

Hooper: It's Wednesday...eh, it's Tuesday, I think.

Chief Brody: Think the tide is with us?

Hooper: Keep kickin'.

Chief Brody: I used to hate the water.

Hooper: I can't imagine why.

Chief Brody: [pointing at Quint's tattoo scar] What's that one?

Quint: What?

Chief Brody: That one, there, on your arm.

Quint: Oh, that's a tattoo. I got that removed.

Hooper: [laughs] No, Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Mother!

Quint: [[w:USS Indianapolis (CA-35)|U.S.S. ''Indianapolis''] Mr. Hooper, that's the ].

Hooper: [his face drops] You were on the Indianapolis?

Chief Brody: What happened?

Quint: [[w:Little Boy|Hiroshima bomb; [w:tiger shark|tiger; [w:infantry square|old squares; [w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo; smiles and lifts his cup] Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. We was comin back from the island of Tinian to Leyte - just delivered the bomb, the ]. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about half an hour. A ], thirteen footer - you know how you know that when you're in the water, Chief? You tell by lookin from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin'. So we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know, it was kinda like ] in the battle like that you see in the calendar named The ]. And the idea was, the shark comes to the nearest man and he starts poundin and hollerin and screamin'. Sometimes the shark go away... Sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark, he looks right into ya, right into your eyes. Y'know, the thing about a shark, he's got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes after ya, he doesn't seem to be livin until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white, and then... aww, then you hear that terrible, high-pitched screamin', the ocean turns red, and in spite of all the poundin and the hollerin', they all come in and... rip ya to pieces. You know, by the end of that first dawn, we lost a hundred men. I don't know how many sharks, maybe a thousand. I don't know how many men. They averaged six an hour. On Thursday morning, Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boatswain's mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up, down in the water just like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us. He swung in low and he saw us. He was a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper. Anyway, he saw us and he come in low and three hours later, a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. You know, that was the time I was most frightened - waitin for my turn. I'll never put on a life jacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water, three hundred and sixteen men come out, and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.

Quint: [seeing Hooper's equipment; examining the shark cage] What are you? Some kind of half-assed astronaut? Jesus H. Christ, when I was a boy, every little squirt wanted to be a harpooner or a sword fisherman. What d'ya have there - a portable shower or a monkey cage?

Hooper: Anti-shark cage.

Quint: [singing] Anti-shark cage. You go inside the cage? Cage goes in the water? You go in the water? Shark's in the water? Our shark? "Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.

Quint: I'm not talkin about pleasure boatin or day sailin'. I'm talkin about workin for a livin'. I'm talkin about sharkin'.

Hooper: Well I'm not talkin about hookin some poor dogfish or sand shark. I'm talkin about findin a Great White.

Quint: [stares at Hooper; gives Hooper some rope] Porkers? Ya talkin about Porkers, Mr. Hooper? Tie me a sheep shank.

Hooper: [ties the knot expertly; tosses rope back to Quint] I haven't had to pass basic seamanship in a long time. You didn't say how short you wanted it.

Quint: [grabs Hooper's wrists and looks at his hands and examines them; contemptuously] Gimme your hands... Dogfish? You've got city boy hands, Hooper. You been countin money all your life.

Hooper: [pulls away] All right, hey, I don't need this! I don't need this working-class-hero crap!

Quint: Maybe I should go alone.

Hooper: [refers to billboard graffiti] Mr. Vaughn, what we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, an eating machine. It's really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that's all. Now, why don't you take a long, close look at this sign. Those proportions are correct.

Mayor Vaughn: Love to prove that, wouldn't ya? Get your name into the National Geographic.

Chief Brody: This is a great white, Larry. A big one. Any shark expert in the world will tell you it's a killer, it's a man-eater!

Hooper: Look, the situation is that apparently a great white shark has staked a claim in the waters off Amity island. And he is going to continue to feed here as long as there is food in the water.

Chief Brody: And there's no limit of what he's going to do. I mean we've already had three incidents. Two people were killed in a week and it's gonna happen again. It happened before, The Jersey Beach, 1916. Five people were killed.

Hooper: In one week.

Chief Brody: Tell him about the swimmers!

Hooper: A shark is attracted to the exact kind of splashing and activity that occurs whenever human beings go swimming. You cannot avoid it.

Chief Brody: You open the beaches on the Fourth of July is like ringing the dinner bell for Christ's sake!

Hooper: Look Mr. Vaughn, I pulled a tooth the size of a shot glass out of the wrecked hull of a boat out there and it was the tooth of a great white.

Chief Brody: It was Ben Gardner's boat, it was all chewed up. I helped tow it in, you should've seen it!

Mayor Vaughn: Where is that tooth? Did you see it, Brody?

Chief Brody: No, I didn't see it. He dropped it on the way in.

Hooper: I had an accident.

Mayor Vaughn: And what did you say the name of this shark is?

Hooper: It's a Carcharodon carcharias. It's a great white.

Mayor Vaughn: And you don't have the tooth? Look, we depend on the summer people here for our very lives-

Hooper: You're not gonna have a summer unless you deal with this problem!

Chief Brody: We're not only going to have to close the beach, we're going to have to hire somebody to kill the shark! I mean we're going to have to tell the Coast Guard!

Hooper: Mr. Vaughn, you'll have to contact the Shark Research Panel. You'll have to ring this entire harbor!

Mayor Vaughn: I don't think either one of you are familiar with our problems!

Hooper: I think that I am familiar with the fact that you are going to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and bites you IN THE ASS! Now wait a second, wait a second. There are two ways to deal with this problem: you either kill this animal, or you're gonna cut off his food supply!

Hooper: [he and Martin have just taken the recently caught tiger shark to a boathouse for an autopsy; stomach fluid pours out as Hooper cuts the shark open, and throws out 2 dead fish and a can] We start in the alimentary canal, and open the digestive tract. Ah! Just like I thought.

Chief Brody: What?

Hooper: [throws out a Louisiana license plate; Chief Brody picks it up and examines it] Came up in the Gulf stream, from southern waters.

Chief Brody: He didn't eat a car, did he?

Hooper: [laughs; slides over to Chief Brody] No. Tiger shark's like a garbage can, it'll eat anything. Someone probably threw that in the river. Hoo, that's it.

Chief Brody: [now knowing the crisis hasn't been resolved yet] I've got to close the beach, call the mayor.

Hooper: [gestures with his hands demonstrating the width of a big mouth] You've got a bigger problem than that, Martin. You still got a hell of a fish out there, with a mouth about this big.

Ellen: Martin hates boats. Martin hates water. Martin - Martin sits in his car when we go on the ferry to the mainland. I guess it's a childhood thing. It's a - there's a clinical name for it, isn't there?

Chief Brody: Drowning! Isn't it true that most people are attacked by sharks in three feet of water and about ten feet from the beach.

Hooper: Yes, that's true.

Chief Brody: And that...and that before people started to swim for recreation - I mean before sharks knew what they were missing - that a lot of these attacks weren't reported?

Hooper: That's right.

Chief Brody: Now this shark that, that swims alone...

Hooper: A rogue.

Chief Brody: Rogue, yeah, now this guy, he - he keeps swimming around in a place where the feeding is good until the food supply is gone, right?

Hooper: It's called "territoriality". It's just a theory that I happen to...agree with.

Chief Brody: Then why don't we have one more drink and go down and cut that shark open.

Ellen: Martin? Can you do that?

Chief Brody: I can do anything, I'm the chief of police.

Hooper: Martin, there's all kinds of sharks in the water, you know? Hammerheads, whitetips, blues, makos, and the possibility that these bozos caught the exact shark that-

Chief Brody: Oh, there's no other shark like this in these waters!

Hooper: Martin, Martin, it's a hundred to one. A hundred to one. Now, I'm not saying it's not the shark. It probably is, Martin, it probably is! It's a man-eater, it's extremely rare for these waters. But the fact is, the bite radius on this animal is different than the wounds on the victim. I just- I wanna be sure. You wanna be sure, we all wanna be sure, okay? Now, what I wanna do is very simple; the digestive system on this animal is very, very slow. Let's cut it open, whatever it's eaten in the past 24 hours is bound to still be in there, and then we'll be sure.

Chief Brody: ...Well, I guess it would be the only way to confirm it, huh?

Mayor Vaughn: Look, fellas, let's be reasonable. This is not the time or the place, to perform some half-assed autopsy on a fish. And I am not going to stand here and see that thing cut open, and see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock!

Chief Brody: Why don't we show Mr. Hooper our accident?

Hooper: [uncovers the tray of the remains, panting in nausea and shock] Uh, victim's name is Christine Watkins, female caucasian...probable boating accident. The height and weight of the victim can only be estimated from the partial remains. The torso has been severed in mid-thorax. There are no major organs remaining. May I have a glass of water please?

Medical Examiner: Sure.

Hooper: [sips his water; to inspector; to Brody] Right arm has been severed with massive tissue loss in the upper musculature. Thank you very much. Partially denuded bone remaining. This was no boating accident. Did you notify the Coast Guard about this?

Chief Brody: No. It was only local jurisdiction.

Hooper: [to Brody, who he notices is about to light a cigarette; holds up a severed arm] The left arm, head, shoulder, sternum, and portions of the rib cage are intact. Do not smoke in here! Thank you very much. This is what happens. It indicates the non-frenzy feeding of a large squalus, possibly longimonus, or Isurus Glaucus. Now, the enormous amount of tissue loss prevents any detailed analysis. However the attacking squalus must be considerably larger than any normal squalus found in these waters. Did you get on a boat and check these waters?

Chief Brody: No.

Hooper: [to Inspector] Well, this is not a boating accident! It wasn't any propeller, it wasn't any coral reef, and it wasn't Jack the Ripper! It was a shark.