Ross MalingerQuotes

Sam Baldwin: I'm leaving first thing in the morning, but I'm only gonna be gone one night. Clarisse is gonna be here. So, you'll be able to see plenty of Geraldo and Nightmare on Elm Street, 12 I will never know.

Jonah Baldwin: Are you going with her?

Sam Baldwin: I'm going with Victoria. Yes.

Sam Baldwin: Don't try anything tricky, understand?

Jonah Baldwin: [walks to Jonah's room] Don't go rolling in poison ivy as soon as I leave the house. You lock yourself in a closet or do anything, make sure you'll need stitches. If your finger falls off, it's staying off. No one's gonna pack it on ice and take you to the hospital, so you can be a breakthrough in laser surgery. Is this about that woman in Baltimore?

Jonah Baldwin: Annie.

Jonah Baldwin: I don't care what you do!

Sam Baldwin: [sees Jonah standing in the doorway] Good! Fine! I'll tell you what I'm doing this weekend, I'm getting laid. It's the 1990's and nobody's getting laid. I'm the only man in America who's getting laid this weekend and I haven't been laid that much. Six girls in college, maybe seven. How long have you been standing there?

Jonah Baldwin: Forever.

Sam Baldwin: What did you just hear me say?

Jonah Baldwin: Six girls in college, maybe seven.

Sam Baldwin: Seven... EIGHT! Mary Kelly.

Jonah Baldwin: [holds Annie's letter] This is the one I like!

Sam Baldwin: Jonah, the fact is, you're not gonna like any woman, because that isn't your mother.

Jonah Baldwin: How do you know?! What's wrong with Annie?!

Sam Baldwin: Oh, Jonah, shut up!

Jonah Baldwin: Shut up? Shut up?! Mom never said "shut up" to me! Mom never yelled at me!

Sam Baldwin: This conversation is finished.

Jonah Baldwin: Why can't we go to New York?

Sam Baldwin: [[w:Fatal Attraction|Fatal Attraction] There is no way that we're going on a plane to meet some woman who could be a crazy, sick lunatic! Didn't you see ]?

Jonah Baldwin: You wouldn't let me!

Sam Baldwin: Well I saw it and it scared the shit out of me! It scared the shit out of every man in America!

Jonah Baldwin: I'm not leaving until you say "yes".

Jonah Baldwin: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

Sam Baldwin: That's good, you'll have a lot to tell Oprah how your Dad destroyed your life because he had to go off for a weekend special at the Holiday Inn!

Jonah Baldwin: He's not sane enough to judge anything. Now he's kissing her on the lips. She's a ho! My dad's been captured by a ho! What am I going to do?

Dr. Marcia Fieldstone: Jonah, calm down. Tomorrow, when you're sitting down to breakfast, tell him how you feel. It's not good to keep your feelings inside you.

Sam Baldwin: [about Annie] She wants to meet me at the top of the Empire State Building. On Valentine's Day.

Suzy: It's like that movie.

Sam Baldwin: What movie?

Suzy: [[w:An Affair To Remember|An Affair To Remember; [Cary Grant; [w:Deborah Kerr|Deborah Kerr; starts to cry; crying more; sobbing] ]. Did you ever see it? ] and ]. She's gonna meet him at the top of the Empire State Building... only she got hit by a taxi. And he waited and waited. And it was raining, I think. And then... she's too proud to tell him... that she's, uh... crippled. And he's too proud to find out why she doesn't come. But he comes to see her anyway. I forget why, but, oh... Oh, it's so amazing when he comes to see her because... he doesn't even notice that she doesn't get up to say hello. And he's very bitter. And you think that he's just gonna walk out the door... and never know why she's just lying there, you know, on the couch... with this blanket over her shriveled little legs.

Jonah Baldwin: Are you all right?

Greg: She's fine.

Suzy: [trails off crying] Suddenly he goes, "I already sold the painting." And he like goes to the bedroom... and he looks and he comes out and he looks at her and he kind of just... They know and then they hug. And it's so...

Sam Baldwin: Well I'm not looking for a mail-order bride! I just want somebody I can have a decent conversation with over dinner. Without it falling down into weepy tears over some movie!

Greg: She's, as you just saw, very emotional.

Sam Baldwin: [[w:The Dirty Dozen|The Dirty Dozen] Although I cried at the end of ].

Greg: Who didn't?

Sam Baldwin: [[Jim Brown; [w:Richard Jaeckel|Richard Jaeckel; [w:Lee Marvin|Lee Marvin; Begins to cry] ] was throwing these hand grenades down these airshafts. And ] and ] were sitting on top of this armored personnel carrier, dressed up like Nazis...

Greg: [Crying too] Stop, stop!

Sam Baldwin: [[w:Trini Lopez|Trini Lopez] And ]...

Greg: Yes, Trini Lopez!

Sam Baldwin: He busted his neck while they were parachuting down behind the Nazi lines...

Greg: Stop.

Sam Baldwin: And Richard Jaeckel - at the beginning he had on this shiny helmet...

Greg: [Crying harder] Please no more. Oh God! I loved that movie.

Jonah Baldwin: If you get a new wife, I guess you'll get to have sex with her, huh?

Sam Baldwin: I certainly hope so.

Jonah Baldwin: Will she scratch up your back?

Sam Baldwin: [shocked] What?

Jonah Baldwin: In the movies, women are always scratching up the men's back and screaming and stuff when they're having sex.

Sam Baldwin: How do you know all this?

Jonah Baldwin: Jessica's got cable.

Sam Baldwin: Oh.

Sam Baldwin: I'd much rather just see somebody I like, and get a feeling about them, and ask them if they want to have a drink.

Jonah Baldwin: Or a slice of pizza --

Sam Baldwin: [beat] Not dinner. Not necessarily on the first date because halfway through dinner you could be really sorry you asked them to dinner. Whereas if it's just a drink, if you like them you can always ask them for dinner but if not, you can just say, "Well, that was great," and then you go home. If you see what I mean. I wonder if it still works this way.

Jonah Baldwin: It doesn't. They ask you.

Sam Baldwin: I'm starting to notice that.

Jonah Baldwin: [about Dr. Marcia Fieldstone] Talk to her, dad. She's a doctor.

Sam Baldwin: Of what? Her first name could be Doctor.

Jonah Baldwin: Shut up, shut up?! Mom never said shut up to me! Mom never yelled at me!