Sam RockwellQuotes

Duncan: I wish I could stay here forever.

Owen: You're going to love the winters. They're pretty spectacular. Painting houses until it gets too cold, bar backing at some dive, talking to inanimate objects.

Duncan: I'm serious.

Owen: Yeah, so am I. There's a whole world out there for you, Duncan. Don't settle. Not yet.

Duncan: This is the only place I'm happy.

Owen: What's going on?

Duncan: I hate him.

Owen: Who?

Duncan: Trent. My mom's boyfriend. He said I was a three. He asked me what I thought I was on, a scale from one to ten. He called me a three. Who says that to somebody?

Owen: Someone who doesn't know you.

Duncan: I didn't want to have to answer! I shouldn't have to answer!

Owen: Listen to me. That's about him, man. That's all about him. It's got nothing to do with you.

Duncan: [vehemently] Yeah? How do you know?

Owen: Cause I know, okay? Don't worry about how I know. My dad was the same way. That's why I don't like patterns and rules. And that's why you can't buy into that shit. You gotta go your own way. And you, my friend, are going your own way.

Owen: I'm sorry. I'm developmentally challenged. Like bad. Nightmarey, special episode bad. I'm sorry.

Caitlin: It's alright. I was... I was a little frustrated. I mean, I just planned on being here for one summer, you know. And then, next thing you know it's three years. It had a lot to do with you. So... I just don't want to look back and regret that it should have only been one summer.

Owen: [over the PA system, as Duncan is talking to Susanna] Please report to the Administrative Offices International. Duncan, please report to the Administrative Offices International. I have to announce it over the PA as my voice won't carry that far. My throat suffered major damage during an intense make-out session with Lewis mom. She has a forked tongue and a touch of the herpes.

Lewis: [annoyed] I don't have a mom. I have two dads. In your face.

Owen: Hurry, hurry.

Duncan: [to Susanna] Hold on a second.

Owen: [over the PA system; to Duncan] Please. Hurry up. This is pressing, pressing. Urgent. I can't tell you how pressing. You can't fathom how pressing. How's it going? What's up? Did you need something?

Duncan: No.

Owen: Who's that, big guy?

Duncan: Just a girl.

Roddy: You stallion, you!

Duncan: I don't know. She's older than me.

Roddy: So... what are you doing over here talking to us and not over there, sealing the deal with that cougar?

Duncan: [smiles] Well, maybe, Roddy, if you guys hadn't called me over here...

Owen, Roddy: [chuckle] Oooo!

Owen: [over the PA system] Return to your lady friend. Duncan, please return to your lady friend. Please let her know that this conversation was entirely about her. In other news, this is very awkward for you.

Caitlin: Also, I need you to reorder more mats.

Owen: Did it.

Caitlin: Finish the work schedule for next week.

Owen: Did it.

Caitlin: Change all the filters.

Owen: Done.

Caitlin: You know I'm going to check all that stuff, right?

Owen: Then in that case, I didn't do any of that.

Caitlin: So I'm doing it.

Owen: It's called delegation. I read about it in a book about it.

Owen: Duncan, this is Vladimir, Ismael, and Ming Lee.

Kyle: Those aren't our names!

Owen: Those are the names I’m giving you, Vlady.

Owen: You disappoint me, kid. You're late. You planning on making a habit of this?

Duncan: What?

Owen: You're fired!

Duncan: But I just...

Owen: [sticks out his hand] You make a valid point. Welcome back. With benefits.

Duncan: How long have you been working there?

Owen: Oh, the park? Um, I've always been there. Ever since I was a small Cambodian child. Of course, that was after Nam. I was in the shit. Then I joined the circus to become a clown fighter. I know about 46 ways to kill a clown. I hate clowns. I'm kidding, except for the part where I really do hate them.

Owen: Throw your bike in the back.

Duncan: [politely] No. You don't have to.

Owen: [chuckling] Come on.

Duncan: Yeah?

Owen: Yeah.

Duncan: [hesitating] No, it's too much trouble.

Owen: Duncan, we've got to start having faster conversations. Throw your bike in the back.

Owen: I'd help you out, but I got my hands on the wheel. Giving you a ride, I think that's enough. Where did you get that? The princess collection? Hey, easy, easy! The car's just the right amount of shitty.

Owen: Seriously, when's the last time you bought jeans?

Duncan: My mom buys my jeans.

Owen: Good. Always take things literally. How's that working out for you? Does that get you laid?

Owen: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Duncan: What?

Owen: Yeah. You're going to have to take off. We're getting complaints. You're having way too much fun. It's making everyone uncomfortable.

Duncan: [he gets up to leave] Okay.

Owen: Hey. Hey. Whoa. Whoa. I'm just kidding. Wow! That wasn't even my best stuff. Are you for real? Listen, I can tell you're in complete awe of our picnic table. It is one-of-a-kind, except for the 200 other ones here that are exactly like it. There is more to the park to be seen.

Owen: [to Duncan, later repeated verbatim by Duncan to Susanna] Water Wizz Waterpark. Built in the summer of 83, it's the last bastion of everything that period stood for. In fact, it was decreed by its creator that this place shall never age. On his deathbed, he said "I don't want this place re-painted or updated I don't even want it brought up to code. And the minute somebody tries, it needs to be destroyed." We actually have a nuclear bomb for just such an occasion. Bought it off the Russians.

Tommy Webber: Whoo!

Guy Fleegman: We're getting hammered, Jason! Return fire?

Jason Nesmith: No! Divert all energy to the armor!

Sarris: How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.

Gwen DeMarco: Sarris ship accelerating toward us at Mark 2.

Jason Nesmith: Accelerate to Mark 4!

Fred Kwan: [[oxygen] We gotta turn off that valve. Their ]'s almost gone.

Guy Fleegman: [brandishes an oversized alien gun] Listen. I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I got this, I'm okay. I might be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.

Fred Kwan: [concerned] That's suicide.

Guy Fleegman: [[hero] I'm just a glorified extra, Fred, I'm a dead man anyway. If I gotta die, I'd rather go out a ] than a coward.

Fred Kwan: Guy. Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief, you ever think about that?

Guy Fleegman: Plucky?

Fred Kwan: [goofy laugh] Besides, I just had this really interesting idea. Yeah, let's go.

Guy Fleegman: Are you stoned?

Alexander Dane: Fred's no good, Jason; you're just gonna have to kill it.

Jason Nesmith: Kill it"? Well, I'm open to any suggestions!

Tommy Webber: Go for the eyes, like in Episode 22!

Jason Nesmith: It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!

Tommy Webber: Well, then go for the throat or mouth, its vulnerable spots!

Jason Nesmith: It's a rock: It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!

Guy Fleegman: [[weapon] I know! You construct a ]. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?

Jason Nesmith: A LATHE?! GET OFF THE LINE, GUY!! Alexander, you're my advisor. Advise me!

Alexander Dane: Well, you're just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?

Jason Nesmith: It's a rock monster! It doesn't have motivation!

Alexander Dane: You see, this was your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft!

Guy Fleegman: Hey! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air?! You don't know!

Fred Kwan: [calmly sniffs the air and takes a few quick breaths] Seems okay.

Guy Fleegman: [whimpering] I changed my mind; I wanna go back.

Alexander Dane: After all the fuss you made about getting left behind?

Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.

Jason Nesmith: You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.

Guy Fleegman: I'm not? Then what's my last name?

Jason Nesmith: It's, uh, uh-- I don't know.

Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.

Gwen DeMarco: Guy, you have a last name.

Guy Fleegman: [puts his head on Gwen's shoulder and cries] DO I??!! DO I??!! FOR ALL YOU KNOW, I'M "CREWMAN #6"! Mommy! Mommy!

Alexander Dane: [wearily] Are we there yet?

Guy Fleegman: [manning the sensor station; Sarris has sent missiles at the ''Protector''] Hey, guys, th–there's a red-uh thingy, movin toward the green thingy.

Jason Nesmith: What?

Guy Fleegman: [repeating] Red thingy, movin toward the green thingy. I think we're the green thingy.

Sarris: A little present for you, Commander.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: [Humma Kavula is removing Zaphod's second head with a giant buzzsaw; his second head is removed; Zaphod's second head has been placed on a hula dancer bobblehead doll with the label "STUPID" underneath it] Hey, hey, hey, take it easy now. Think about this before you do it. NO STOP IT! Ah that kinda tickles. TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE! DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE! IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU NEED ME! COME BACK! COME BACK! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! COME BACK!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: HUMMA KAVULA!!!!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: I'm the president of the galaxy, babe. I ain't got a whole lot of time for reading.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: I'm just gonna go… find something else for my whole life to be about.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Apparently you can't be president with a whole brain.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: In the name of democracy, freedom, stuff like that... I hereby kidnap myself, and I'm taking the ship with me!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Whoo, they're on our tail! Fire a gun! Launch a missile! Do some damage! Come on!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: If there's anything more important than my ego on this ship, I want it caught and shot right now. Hey, c'mon, I love it.

George W. Bush: So we gonna do this thing, or what? I mean, is this happening?

Dick Cheney: I believe... we can make this work.

George W. Bush: [claps] Hehehe! Hot damn!

George W. Bush: Whaddaya say?... I want you to be my VP. I want you, you're ma vice.

Dick Cheney: Well, George, I, uh... I'm a CEO... of a large company. And I have been Secretary of Defense... and I have been White House Chief of Staff. The Vice Presidency is a mostly symbolic job.

George W. Bush: Uh-huh.

Dick Cheney: However, if we came to a, uh... different... understanding... I can handle the more mundane... jobs. Overseeing bureaucracy... military... energy... and, uh... foreign policy.

George W. Bush: Yeah, right! I like that!

Pretty Woman: Hi.

Chuck Barris: Hi.

Pretty Woman: I thought it was you.

Chuck Barris: [smiles and bows] It's me.

Pretty Woman: I'm glad to meet you because I wanted to tell you that I've seen "The Gong Show" and I think you are the most insidious and despicable force in entertainment today.

Chuck Barris: Well...

Pretty Woman: How dare you subject the rest of the world to your loathsome view of humanity.

Chuck Barris: I don't think it's that loathsome.

Pretty Woman: [[w:Sistine Chapel|Sistine Chapel] What is it then? To mock some poor, lonely people who just crave a little attention in their lives. To destroy them. So everybody's not brilliantly talented. They're still people. They deserve respect and compassion. I mean, who the hell are you? What the fuck have you ever done that elevates you above the pathetic masses? Oh, I forgot, you created "The Dating Game". Wow, right up there with the ].

Chuck Barris: I've got important things to think about here. I don't have time to fuck around with you.

Jim Byrd: Okay, I'll help you out with your little show. Tit for tat. That's the kinda guy I am. I've seen this "Dating Game" of yours, Chuck. And I have a thought.

Chuck Barris: What, now you're a television producer?

Jim Byrd: Hey, I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV and that should make my opinion of interest to you.

Chuck Barris: [nods] Let's hear it then.

Jim Byrd: Well, what do you have now? The couple gets sent to some stupid second-rate Hollywood shitcan restaurant, right? Sets you back fifty bucks? That's not too exciting a prize to us vicarious living boobs out in TV-land.

Chuck Barris: Yeah, what's your point?

Jim Byrd: Up the stakes, Chuckles. Send em to some exotic locale. Europe, Southeast Asia, for example.

Chuck Barris: The network's not going to let me send two unmarried kids on vacation together.

Jim Byrd: Send em with a chaperone.

Chuck Barris: [beat] You know... that's not half bad.

Jim Byrd: I'm telling ya. And sometimes you can be the chaperone, Chuckie. Let's say we have a job for you in Austria. You, a successful TV producer, above suspicion, chaperones the young couple, and while you're there, you take care of some Company business. It's the perfect cover. TV producer by day, CIA operative by night.

Chuck Barris: I told you, I don't have to kill people for money anymore.

Jim Byrd: Chuck, when I said you fit our profile, very little of that had to do with you needing the money. Some of it, but very little. You liked it with Renda, Chuck. I saw it in your eyes. You liked it but you botched it. Don't you want to get really good at something, Chuck?

Chuck Barris: [getting the idea for "The Gong Show"] We've been going about this all wrong. Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts... we just put on bad ones and kill them!

Casting Executive Man: Chuck, honestly, this... and I know you like them... this is torture.

Chuck Barris: No, no, no. We kill them before they're through. As soon as it gets unbearable... we kill em... dead!

Penny Pacino: Do you want me around or not? Do you even like me?

Chuck Barris: Of course I like you! Penny...

Penny Pacino: How much?

Chuck Barris: What?

Penny Pacino: I need to know how much you like me.

Chuck Barris: I know what that means! How much? How could I read a person in that way?

Penny Pacino: [sighs dreamingly] You could if you felt it. If you felt it, it would be easy. You would ...just spread your arms as wide as they would go and say: "This much, Penny.

Chuck Barris: Everything... everything is complicated. Nothing is black and white like that.

Penny Pacino: [cries] Do you want me around or not? Cause if you don't it's okay, just tell me.

Chuck Barris: [kisses her] Hey, hey... I love you, Penny. In my way. Maybe not that crazy head-over-heels-thing, but what is that anyway? Romantic love, isn't that just an illusion?

Penny Pacino: [stops crying] You just said you love me, right?

Jim Byrd: He's a bad guy. He's one of the bad guys.

Chuck Barris: Bad for the US, right, Jim? Not bad in the absolute sense. Just bad for the US.

Jim Byrd: Don't fuckin dance with me. Renda's bad for the Tea & Biscuit Company. He's bad for me personally. You work for me. Renda's bad for me... You're now officially a patriotic citizen of the United States of Jim Byrd. There's no backing out now. We let you in on everything. You don't play. You don't leave. You understand that? You don't play... You don't leave.

Simon Oliver: You are a bloody amateur.

Chuck Barris: You're a faggot.

Jim Byrd: Chuck.

Simon Oliver: Tell me, Mr. Barris, are you in possession of my microfilm?

Chuck Barris: Yeah, I got it.

Simon Oliver: Let's have it, then.

Chuck Barris: It's up my ass, Oliver, why don't you reach on up there and get it?

Penny: What are you?

Chuck Barris: Jew.

Penny Pacino: Oh, I had one of those once. But he was separatist. He was Ashka Nazi.

Chuck Barris: Ashkenazi.

Penny Pacino: Right, Ashka Nazi. I haven't had one of those yet.

Chuck Barris: You're a romantic.

Chuck Barris: [after Byrd tells Chuck to kill the unknown "mole"] Hey, I got an idea. If you aren't so bad... why don't you do it? Why don't you kill the mole? You got a problem with killing, Jim?

Jim Byrd: I just don't fit the profile.

Chuck Barris: What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile.

Jim Byrd: Okay, there's no profile.

Chuck Barris: There's no profile.

Jim Byrd: Okay. Let's see. Well, you had a twin sister, stillborn, strangled by your umbilical cord. Your first hit, Chuck. Your mother always wanted a daughter. She blamed you for your sister's death. And, so, until your sister Phoebe was born, she raised you as a girl. Oh, and your father the dentist? Not really your father. Your biological father was a man named Edmund James Windsor. A serial killer. A fact your mother didn't know when she had an affair with him in 1930. If you want to look him up, he was also known as the Tarrytown Troll, because he had been described by witnesses as short and ugly. Windsor died in the electrical chair at Ossining in 1939. We believed your self-loathing tendencies coupled with that extra Y chromosome and whatever else you inherited from your father would serve us well. I'm trying to think what more I can tell you, but you have me at a disadvantage here, Barris. I don't have your files in front of me.

Chuck Barris: Hi, folks. Before we begin taping today, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter Jenks of the Federal Communications Commission. Okay?

Peter Jenks: I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but it's a federal offense to make lascivious remarks on a television network broadcast. The penalty for this disgusting, un-American behavior is one year in prison, or a ten thousand dollar fine. Or both! Anyone making a sick or subversive remark tonight will be arrested immediately. I then will personally escort the offender to federal prison for booking under edict number 364 of the Broadcasting Act of 1963. And it's a long drive to that prison, baby, just you and me. No witnesses.

Chuck Barris: OK, have fun, everybody... all right...

Chuck Barris: I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.

Chuck Barris: [types on a typewriter: I am damned to hell] My name is Charles Prescott Barris. I have written pop songs, I have been a television producer. I am responsible for polluting the airwaves with mindnumbing, puerile entertainment. In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings.

Chuck Barris: I'm not killing people... my future's in television.

Chuck Barris: Life was sweet... For a minute.

Chuck Barris: Go back to Scotland! Get yourself some Guinness, some Lucky Charms.

Chuck Barris: I don't know what was worse - that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor, or that it took seven of us to replace him.

Chuck Barris: When you're in a relationship it means you are obligated to give a shit.

Chuck Barris: [[Albert Einstein|Einstein; [Joe DiMaggio|DiMaggio] When you are young, your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be ]. You might be ]. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren't Einstein. You weren't anything. That's a bad moment.

Robert Ford: They gave me ten days.

Charley Ford: For what?

Robert Ford: Arresting him.

Charley Ford: You and me, huh?

Robert Ford: It's going to happen one way or another. It's going to happen, Charley, and it might as well be us who get rich on it.

Charley Ford: Bob, he's our friend.

Robert Ford: He murdered Ed Miller. He's going to murder Liddil and Cummins if the chance ever comes. Seems to me Jesse's riding from man to man, saying goodbye to the gang. Your friendship could put you under the pansies.

Charley Ford: I'll grind it fine in my mind, Bob. I can't go any further than that, right now.

Robert Ford: You'll come around.

Charley Ford: You think it's all made up don't ya? You think it's all yarns and newspaper stories.

Robert Ford: He's just a human being.

Captain Klenzendorf: [shows another sketch; [w:Gatling gun|Gatling gun] As part of our preparations for the invasion I’m re-designing my uniform. Note, the feathers for aerodynamics, the sparkly colour to dazzle the enemy, the boots are purely decorative. And this is a ] mounted with a radio which emits... annoying music to dishearten the enemy.

Captain Klenzendorf: [seeing the HJ boys drowning, to Sub-Officer Finkel] Finkie, they're drowning.

Captain Klenzendorf: I've been meaning to teach the HJ boys water warfare training. Y'know... in case they need to go to battle in a swimming pool.

Captain Klenzendorf: [to the students, after seeing Jojo exploded by a hand grenade irresponsibly] Don't do that.

Captain Klenzendorf: And even though it would appear our country's on the backfoot and there's isn't much hope in us winning this war, apparently we're doing just fine.

Captain Klenzendorf: Heil Hitler, guys.

Justin Hammer: Good stuff.

Vanko: [Russian; pronounced "tuh-voy soft, guhv-no"] Твой софт - говно.

Hammer: [Confused] Sorry?

Vanko: Software shit.