Memorable Quotes from Sam Rockwell
53 quotesCaptain Klenzendorf's Urgent Warning to Finkie
Captain Klenzendorf
Finkie, they're drowning.
[seeing the HJ boys drowning, to Sub-Officer Finkel]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on Morality and Action
Chuck Barris
Hey, I got an idea. If you aren't so bad... why don't you do it? Why don't you kill the mole? You got a problem with killing, Jim?
[after Byrd tells Chuck to kill the unknown "mole"]
Jim Byrd
I just don't fit the profile.
Chuck Barris
What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile.
Jim Byrd
Okay, there's no profile.
Chuck Barris
There's no profile.
Jim Byrd
Okay. Let's see. Well, you had a twin sister, stillborn, strangled by your umbilical cord. Your first hit, Chuck. Your mother always wanted a daughter. She blamed you for your sister's death. And, so, until your sister Phoebe was born, she raised you as a girl. Oh, and your father the dentist? Not really your father. Your biological father was a man named Edmund James Windsor. A serial killer. A fact your mother didn't know when she had an affair with him in 1930. If you want to look him up, he was also known as the Tarrytown Troll, because he had been described by witnesses as short and ugly. Windsor died in the electrical chair at Ossining in 1939. We believed your self-loathing tendencies coupled with that extra Y chromosome and whatever else you inherited from your father would serve us well. I'm trying to think what more I can tell you, but you have me at a disadvantage here, Barris. I don't have your files in front of me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debating the Safety of an Alien Planet
Guy Fleegman
Hey! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air?! You don't know!
Fred Kwan
Seems okay.
[calmly sniffs the air and takes a few quick breaths]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Simple Instruction from Captain Klenzendorf
Captain Klenzendorf
Don't do that.
[to the students, after seeing Jojo exploded by a hand grenade irresponsibly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Arresting Jesse James
Robert Ford
They gave me ten days.
Charley Ford
For what?
Robert Ford
Arresting him.
Charley Ford
You and me, huh?
Robert Ford
It's going to happen one way or another. It's going to happen, Charley, and it might as well be us who get rich on it.
Charley Ford
Bob, he's our friend.
Robert Ford
He murdered Ed Miller. He's going to murder Liddil and Cummins if the chance ever comes. Seems to me Jesse's riding from man to man, saying goodbye to the gang. Your friendship could put you under the pansies.
Charley Ford
I'll grind it fine in my mind, Bob. I can't go any further than that, right now.
Robert Ford
You'll come around.
Charley Ford
You think it's all made up don't ya? You think it's all yarns and newspaper stories.
Robert Ford
He's just a human being.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Announcements and Personal Revelations
Owen
Please report to the Administrative Offices International. Duncan, please report to the Administrative Offices International. I have to announce it over the PA as my voice won't carry that far. My throat suffered major damage during an intense make-out session with Lewis mom. She has a forked tongue and a touch of the herpes.
[over the PA system, as Duncan is talking to Susanna]
Lewis
I don't have a mom. I have two dads. In your face.
[annoyed]
Owen
Hurry, hurry.
Duncan
Hold on a second.
[to Susanna]
Owen
Please. Hurry up. This is pressing, pressing. Urgent. I can't tell you how pressing. You can't fathom how pressing. How's it going? What's up? Did you need something?
[over the PA system; to Duncan]
Duncan
No.
Owen
Who's that, big guy?
Duncan
Just a girl.
Roddy
You stallion, you!
Duncan
I don't know. She's older than me.
Roddy
So... what are you doing over here talking to us and not over there, sealing the deal with that cougar?
Duncan
Well, maybe, Roddy, if you guys hadn't called me over here...
[smiles]
Owen, Roddy
Oooo!
[chuckle]
Owen
Return to your lady friend. Duncan, please return to your lady friend. Please let her know that this conversation was entirely about her. In other news, this is very awkward for you.
[over the PA system]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on How to Defeat an Enemy
Alexander Dane
Fred's no good, Jason; you're just gonna have to kill it.
Jason Nesmith
Kill it"? Well, I'm open to any suggestions!
Tommy Webber
Go for the eyes, like in Episode 22!
Jason Nesmith
It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!
Tommy Webber
Well, then go for the throat or mouth, its vulnerable spots!
Jason Nesmith
It's a rock: It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
Guy Fleegman
I know! You construct a ]. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
[[weapon]
Jason Nesmith
A LATHE?! GET OFF THE LINE, GUY!! Alexander, you're my advisor. Advise me!
Alexander Dane
Well, you're just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
Jason Nesmith
It's a rock monster! It doesn't have motivation!
Alexander Dane
You see, this was your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Leads to Unexpected Consequences
Owen
You disappoint me, kid. You're late. You planning on making a habit of this?
Duncan
What?
Owen
You're fired!
Duncan
But I just...
Owen
You make a valid point. Welcome back. With benefits.
[sticks out his hand]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Reflections on Work and Clowns
Duncan
How long have you been working there?
Owen
Oh, the park? Um, I've always been there. Ever since I was a small Cambodian child. Of course, that was after Nam. I was in the shit. Then I joined the circus to become a clown fighter. I know about 46 ways to kill a clown. I hate clowns. I'm kidding, except for the part where I really do hate them.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflicted Emotions at a Summer Retreat
Duncan
This is the only place I'm happy.
Owen
What's going on?
Duncan
I hate him.
Owen
Who?
Duncan
Trent. My mom's boyfriend. He said I was a three. He asked me what I thought I was on, a scale from one to ten. He called me a three. Who says that to somebody?
Owen
Someone who doesn't know you.
Duncan
I didn't want to have to answer! I shouldn't have to answer!
Owen
Listen to me. That's about him, man. That's all about him. It's got nothing to do with you.
Duncan
Yeah? How do you know?
[vehemently]
Owen
Cause I know, okay? Don't worry about how I know. My dad was the same way. That's why I don't like patterns and rules. And that's why you can't buy into that shit. You gotta go your own way. And you, my friend, are going your own way.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nostalgia and Preservation at Water Wizz Waterpark
Owen
Water Wizz Waterpark. Built in the summer of 83, it's the last bastion of everything that period stood for. In fact, it was decreed by its creator that this place shall never age. On his deathbed, he said "I don't want this place re-painted or updated I don't even want it brought up to code. And the minute somebody tries, it needs to be destroyed." We actually have a nuclear bomb for just such an occasion. Bought it off the Russians.
[to Duncan, later repeated verbatim by Duncan to Susanna]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jeans Buying and Literal Interpretations
Owen
Seriously, when's the last time you bought jeans?
Duncan
My mom buys my jeans.
Owen
Good. Always take things literally. How's that working out for you? Does that get you laid?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Television Ambitions Over Dark Actions
Chuck Barris
I'm not killing people... my future's in television.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Balancing Opinions in Television Production
Chuck Barris
I've got important things to think about here. I don't have time to fuck around with you.
Jim Byrd
Okay, I'll help you out with your little show. Tit for tat. That's the kinda guy I am. I've seen this "Dating Game" of yours, Chuck. And I have a thought.
Chuck Barris
What, now you're a television producer?
Jim Byrd
Hey, I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV and that should make my opinion of interest to you.
Chuck Barris
Let's hear it then.
[nods]
Jim Byrd
Well, what do you have now? The couple gets sent to some stupid second-rate Hollywood shitcan restaurant, right? Sets you back fifty bucks? That's not too exciting a prize to us vicarious living boobs out in TV-land.
Chuck Barris
Yeah, what's your point?
Jim Byrd
Up the stakes, Chuckles. Send em to some exotic locale. Europe, Southeast Asia, for example.
Chuck Barris
The network's not going to let me send two unmarried kids on vacation together.
Jim Byrd
Send em with a chaperone.
Chuck Barris
You know... that's not half bad.
[beat]
Jim Byrd
I'm telling ya. And sometimes you can be the chaperone, Chuckie. Let's say we have a job for you in Austria. You, a successful TV producer, above suspicion, chaperones the young couple, and while you're there, you take care of some Company business. It's the perfect cover. TV producer by day, CIA operative by night.
Chuck Barris
I told you, I don't have to kill people for money anymore.
Jim Byrd
Chuck, when I said you fit our profile, very little of that had to do with you needing the money. Some of it, but very little. You liked it with Renda, Chuck. I saw it in your eyes. You liked it but you botched it. Don't you want to get really good at something, Chuck?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unidentified Objects in Space Encounter
Guy Fleegman
Hey, guys, th–there's a red-uh thingy, movin toward the green thingy.
[manning the sensor station; Sarris has sent missiles at the ''Protector'']
Jason Nesmith
What?
Guy Fleegman
Red thingy, movin toward the green thingy. I think we're the green thingy.
[repeating]
Sarris
A little present for you, Commander.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Loyalty and Consequences in a Dangerous Game
Jim Byrd
He's a bad guy. He's one of the bad guys.
Chuck Barris
Bad for the US, right, Jim? Not bad in the absolute sense. Just bad for the US.
Jim Byrd
Don't fuckin dance with me. Renda's bad for the Tea & Biscuit Company. He's bad for me personally. You work for me. Renda's bad for me... You're now officially a patriotic citizen of the United States of Jim Byrd. There's no backing out now. We let you in on everything. You don't play. You don't leave. You understand that? You don't play... You don't leave.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Navigating Regrets and Unexpected Connections
Owen
I'm sorry. I'm developmentally challenged. Like bad. Nightmarey, special episode bad. I'm sorry.
Caitlin
It's alright. I was... I was a little frustrated. I mean, I just planned on being here for one summer, you know. And then, next thing you know it's three years. It had a lot to do with you. So... I just don't want to look back and regret that it should have only been one summer.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Opportunities and Avoiding Settling
Duncan
I wish I could stay here forever.
Owen
You're going to love the winters. They're pretty spectacular. Painting houses until it gets too cold, bar backing at some dive, talking to inanimate objects.
Duncan
I'm serious.
Owen
Yeah, so am I. There's a whole world out there for you, Duncan. Don't settle. Not yet.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Take on Unconventional Military Training
Captain Klenzendorf
I've been meaning to teach the HJ boys water warfare training. Y'know... in case they need to go to battle in a swimming pool.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Reality of Lost Potential
Chuck Barris
When you are young, your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be ]. You might be ]. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren't Einstein. You weren't anything. That's a bad moment.
[[Albert Einstein|Einstein; [Joe DiMaggio|DiMaggio]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Obligations in Relationships
Chuck Barris
When you're in a relationship it means you are obligated to give a shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Controversial Approach to Entertainment Innovation
Chuck Barris
We've been going about this all wrong. Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts... we just put on bad ones and kill them!
[getting the idea for "The Gong Show"]
Casting Executive Man
Chuck, honestly, this... and I know you like them... this is torture.
Chuck Barris
No, no, no. We kill them before they're through. As soon as it gets unbearable... we kill em... dead!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Optimism Amidst War's Challenges
Captain Klenzendorf
And even though it would appear our country's on the backfoot and there's isn't much hope in us winning this war, apparently we're doing just fine.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Heroic Sacrifice in a Desperate Situation
Fred Kwan
We gotta turn off that valve. Their ]'s almost gone.
[[oxygen]
Guy Fleegman
Listen. I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I got this, I'm okay. I might be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.
[brandishes an oversized alien gun]
Fred Kwan
That's suicide.
[concerned]
Guy Fleegman
I'm just a glorified extra, Fred, I'm a dead man anyway. If I gotta die, I'd rather go out a ] than a coward.
[[hero]
Fred Kwan
Guy. Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief, you ever think about that?
Guy Fleegman
Plucky?
Fred Kwan
Besides, I just had this really interesting idea. Yeah, let's go.
[goofy laugh]
Guy Fleegman
Are you stoned?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Names and Identities in The Way Way Back
Owen
Duncan, this is Vladimir, Ismael, and Ming Lee.
Kyle
Those aren't our names!
Owen
Those are the names I’m giving you, Vlady.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Task Completion in a Work Environment
Caitlin
Also, I need you to reorder more mats.
Owen
Did it.
Caitlin
Finish the work schedule for next week.
Owen
Did it.
Caitlin
Change all the filters.
Owen
Done.
Caitlin
You know I'm going to check all that stuff, right?
Owen
Then in that case, I didn't do any of that.
Caitlin
So I'm doing it.
Owen
It's called delegation. I read about it in a book about it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Galactic Leadership and Time Constraints
Zaphod Beeblebrox
I'm the president of the galaxy, babe. I ain't got a whole lot of time for reading.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Deception and Replacement
Chuck Barris
I don't know what was worse - that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor, or that it took seven of us to replace him.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
FCC Warning on Television Broadcast Conduct
Chuck Barris
Hi, folks. Before we begin taping today, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter Jenks of the Federal Communications Commission. Okay?
Peter Jenks
I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but it's a federal offense to make lascivious remarks on a television network broadcast. The penalty for this disgusting, un-American behavior is one year in prison, or a ten thousand dollar fine. Or both! Anyone making a sick or subversive remark tonight will be arrested immediately. I then will personally escort the offender to federal prison for booking under edict number 364 of the Broadcasting Act of 1963. And it's a long drive to that prison, baby, just you and me. No witnesses.
Chuck Barris
OK, have fun, everybody... all right...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Decision Time in Leadership Dynamics
George W. Bush
So we gonna do this thing, or what? I mean, is this happening?
Dick Cheney
I believe... we can make this work.
George W. Bush
Hehehe! Hot damn!
[claps]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Quest for New Life Purpose
Zaphod Beeblebrox
I'm just gonna go… find something else for my whole life to be about.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cultural Identity and Misunderstanding in Conversation
Penny
What are you?
Chuck Barris
Jew.
Penny Pacino
Oh, I had one of those once. But he was separatist. He was Ashka Nazi.
Chuck Barris
Ashkenazi.
Penny Pacino
Right, Ashka Nazi. I haven't had one of those yet.
Chuck Barris
You're a romantic.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Zaphod's Plea for Companionship and Understanding
Zaphod Beeblebrox
Hey, hey, hey, take it easy now. Think about this before you do it. NO STOP IT! Ah that kinda tickles. TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE! DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE! IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU NEED ME! COME BACK! COME BACK! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! COME BACK!
[Humma Kavula is removing Zaphod's second head with a giant buzzsaw; his second head is removed; Zaphod's second head has been placed on a hula dancer bobblehead doll with the label "STUPID" underneath it]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Darkly Humorous Game Show Concept
Chuck Barris
I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Zaphod Beeblebrox's Exclamation of Excitement
Zaphod Beeblebrox
HUMMA KAVULA!!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Challenge of Leadership and Intelligence
Zaphod Beeblebrox
Apparently you can't be president with a whole brain.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Missing Microfilm
Simon Oliver
You are a bloody amateur.
Chuck Barris
You're a faggot.
Jim Byrd
Chuck.
Simon Oliver
Tell me, Mr. Barris, are you in possession of my microfilm?
Chuck Barris
Yeah, I got it.
Simon Oliver
Let's have it, then.
Chuck Barris
It's up my ass, Oliver, why don't you reach on up there and get it?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Urgent Call to Action in Crisis
Zaphod Beeblebrox
Whoo, they're on our tail! Fire a gun! Launch a missile! Do some damage! Come on!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Power Dynamics in Vice Presidential Decision-Making
George W. Bush
Whaddaya say?... I want you to be my VP. I want you, you're ma vice.
Dick Cheney
Well, George, I, uh... I'm a CEO... of a large company. And I have been Secretary of Defense... and I have been White House Chief of Staff. The Vice Presidency is a mostly symbolic job.
George W. Bush
Uh-huh.
Dick Cheney
However, if we came to a, uh... different... understanding... I can handle the more mundane... jobs. Overseeing bureaucracy... military... energy... and, uh... foreign policy.
George W. Bush
Yeah, right! I like that!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Actors Face Off Against Their Adversary
Tommy Webber
Whoo!
Guy Fleegman
We're getting hammered, Jason! Return fire?
Jason Nesmith
No! Divert all energy to the armor!
Sarris
How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.
Gwen DeMarco
Sarris ship accelerating toward us at Mark 2.
Jason Nesmith
Accelerate to Mark 4!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Critique of Software Quality in Iron Man 2
Justin Hammer
Good stuff.
Vanko
Твой софт - говно.
[Russian; pronounced "tuh-voy soft, guhv-no"]
Hammer
Sorry?
[Confused]
Vanko
Software shit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold Act of Self-Kidnapping
Zaphod Beeblebrox
In the name of democracy, freedom, stuff like that... I hereby kidnap myself, and I'm taking the ship with me!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Too Much Fun Leads to Uncomfortable Situation
Owen
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Duncan
What?
Owen
Yeah. You're going to have to take off. We're getting complaints. You're having way too much fun. It's making everyone uncomfortable.
Duncan
Okay.
[he gets up to leave]
Owen
Hey. Hey. Whoa. Whoa. I'm just kidding. Wow! That wasn't even my best stuff. Are you for real? Listen, I can tell you're in complete awe of our picnic table. It is one-of-a-kind, except for the 200 other ones here that are exactly like it. There is more to the park to be seen.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call to Return to Scotland
Chuck Barris
Go back to Scotland! Get yourself some Guinness, some Lucky Charms.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ego Takes Priority on the Ship
Zaphod Beeblebrox
If there's anything more important than my ego on this ship, I want it caught and shot right now. Hey, c'mon, I love it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fear of the Unknown in Space Adventure
Guy Fleegman
I changed my mind; I wanna go back.
[whimpering]
Alexander Dane
After all the fuss you made about getting left behind?
Guy Fleegman
Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
Jason Nesmith
You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
Guy Fleegman
I'm not? Then what's my last name?
Jason Nesmith
It's, uh, uh-- I don't know.
Guy Fleegman
Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
Gwen DeMarco
Guy, you have a last name.
Guy Fleegman
DO I??!! DO I??!! FOR ALL YOU KNOW, I'M "CREWMAN #6"! Mommy! Mommy!
[puts his head on Gwen's shoulder and cries]
Alexander Dane
Are we there yet?
[wearily]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Captain Klenzendorf's Unique Uniform Design
Captain Klenzendorf
As part of our preparations for the invasion I’m re-designing my uniform. Note, the feathers for aerodynamics, the sparkly colour to dazzle the enemy, the boots are purely decorative. And this is a ] mounted with a radio which emits... annoying music to dishearten the enemy.
[shows another sketch; [w:Gatling gun|Gatling gun]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Affection in Uncertainty
Penny Pacino
Do you want me around or not? Do you even like me?
Chuck Barris
Of course I like you! Penny...
Penny Pacino
How much?
Chuck Barris
What?
Penny Pacino
I need to know how much you like me.
Chuck Barris
I know what that means! How much? How could I read a person in that way?
Penny Pacino
You could if you felt it. If you felt it, it would be easy. You would ...just spread your arms as wide as they would go and say: "This much, Penny.
[sighs dreamingly]
Chuck Barris
Everything... everything is complicated. Nothing is black and white like that.
Penny Pacino
Do you want me around or not? Cause if you don't it's okay, just tell me.
[cries]
Chuck Barris
Hey, hey... I love you, Penny. In my way. Maybe not that crazy head-over-heels-thing, but what is that anyway? Romantic love, isn't that just an illusion?
[kisses her]
Penny Pacino
You just said you love me, right?
[stops crying]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Fleeting Moment of Happiness
Chuck Barris
Life was sweet... For a minute.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Brief Encounter Between Two Characters
Pretty Woman
Hi.
Chuck Barris
Hi.
Pretty Woman
I thought it was you.
Chuck Barris
It's me.
[smiles and bows]
Pretty Woman
I'm glad to meet you because I wanted to tell you that I've seen "The Gong Show" and I think you are the most insidious and despicable force in entertainment today.
Chuck Barris
Well...
Pretty Woman
How dare you subject the rest of the world to your loathsome view of humanity.
Chuck Barris
I don't think it's that loathsome.
Pretty Woman
What is it then? To mock some poor, lonely people who just crave a little attention in their lives. To destroy them. So everybody's not brilliantly talented. They're still people. They deserve respect and compassion. I mean, who the hell are you? What the fuck have you ever done that elevates you above the pathetic masses? Oh, I forgot, you created "The Dating Game". Wow, right up there with the ].
[[w:Sistine Chapel|Sistine Chapel]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Ride with Friends
Owen
Throw your bike in the back.
Duncan
No. You don't have to.
[politely]
Owen
Come on.
[chuckling]
Duncan
Yeah?
Owen
Yeah.
Duncan
No, it's too much trouble.
[hesitating]
Owen
Duncan, we've got to start having faster conversations. Throw your bike in the back.
Owen
I'd help you out, but I got my hands on the wheel. Giving you a ride, I think that's enough. Where did you get that? The princess collection? Hey, easy, easy! The car's just the right amount of shitty.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dual Life of Entertainment and Violence
Chuck Barris
My name is Charles Prescott Barris. I have written pop songs, I have been a television producer. I am responsible for polluting the airwaves with mindnumbing, puerile entertainment. In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings.
[types on a typewriter: I am damned to hell]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Casual Salute in Uncertain Times
Captain Klenzendorf
Heil Hitler, guys.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.