Sid CaesarQuotes

Ben Powell: Look, you can't afford a new car.

Steve Powell: But dad, neither can you but you drive one.

Ben Powell: I'm too poor to drive an old car.

Ben Powell: What's the matter, you still mad cause I wouldn't let you split my skull with your ax?

Mrs. Patroni: Well, the first stewardess is at the controls, but she... she's in constant touch with the tower.

Barney: You mean THE STEWARDESS IS FLYING THE PLANE?

Mrs. Patroni: [whispering] Would you please keep your voice down.

Barney: [Barney becomes histerycal] S-s-sure... The stewardess is flying the plane. The stewardess...

Mrs Devaney: Here...

Barney: Thank you Mrs Devaney, but I don't drink.

Mrs Devaney: [Looking confused] Well what difference does it make now?

Barney: [Barney takes drink from Mrs Devaney and takes gulp of Whiskey] You're right. No difference.

Mrs. Devaney: Miss?

Nancy Pryor: You need something?

Mrs. Devaney: I feel a little queasy. The altitude I guess. I'll have a bourbon... with a beer chaser.

Barney: Uh. Miss Devaney. Do you know what you just ordered? They call those boiler makers.

Mrs. Devaney: I know.

Nancy Pryor: A bourbon with a beer chaser.

Benjamin: [to Culpeper] It's all your fault, It's your fault right from beginning to end!

Col. Hawthorne: You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous!

Sylvester: Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no! You just had to go and grab up the whole scene, baby.

Dingy Bell: We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.

Melville Crump: 14 into $350,000...

Dingy Bell: [groans] Oh, shut up!

Otto Meyer: [turns to Culpeper] I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us... ...what happens to you, I hope will be worse!

Culpeper: I don't think you have to worry about that. My wife is divorcing me; my mother in-law is suing me for damages; my daughter is petitioning the court to get her name changed; my pension has been revoked, and the ONLY reason, that you ten idiots will very likely get off lightly, is because the judge will have me up there...to throw the book at!

2nd Cabbie: [laughs along with the 3rd Cabbie who smiles to Culpeper] Awww...that's tough!

Culpeper: I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there will be something that I could laugh at, anything.

Mrs. Marcus: [yelling at the bandaged men; slips on the banana peel and falls back-first on the floor] Now see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't...!

Sylvester: [horrified] Mama!

Mrs. Marcus: [yelling while being put on the stretcher and taken away by the doctors] Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!!!

First Cabbie: That'll be two ninety.

Melville Crump: Okay, here's three dollars. Wait for us, okay?

First Cabbie: [sarcastically] Oh, sure.

Melville Crump: Wise guy.

Hardware Store Clerk: [emerges] I'm sorry, we're closed. It's twelve o'clock on Sunday.

Melville Crump: It's twelve o'clock, they're closed. Wait a minute! All we want is a pick and a shovel.

Hardware Store Clerk: Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...

Melville Crump: [he and Monica entered the hardware store] Dinckler! That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on!

Melville Crump: Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off.

Dingy Bell: Listen, Dentist: I hate dentists! And I hate you so much, that I'm not able to tell you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-!

Benjamin: And visa versa.

Melville Crump: [enraged; Dingy and Benji run for their lives] Why you...Come on over here! Come on over here!

Monica: [looking at a highway map] Mount Shasta National Forest. Are we anywhere near Mount Shasta...

Melville Crump: That's on the top. Look down near the bottom.

Monica: Are we near Oregon?

Melville Crump: It's seven hundred miles from here!

Lennie Pike: So lets see, now, I got 1 share for being 1 person, 1 share for going down the hill, 1 share for the truck, and 1 share for being a person in the truck, but no matter how you figure it out, I still don't get as much as anybody else!

Melville Crump: [points pen at J. Russell Finch, Mrs. Marcus, and Emmeline Marcus-Finch; points pen at Dingy Bell and Benjy Benjamin; points pen at himself and Monica; points pen at Pike] Let me explain once more. Them, their group, they, those 3, they get $112,000. Those over there, them, they get $97,000. We, we, us they get $84,000. And you, by yourself, you get $56,000, alone, and that's tax free money.

Lennie Pike: What do you mean "tax free"?

Smiler Grogan: [while dying; continuing after coughing in his injured state; lies his head down, almost dead. Benjy takes his hat off, until he jolts awake and grabs Melville's jacket] Look, there's this dough see. There's all this dough. Three hundred and fifty g's! Do you hear what I'm saying? Three hundred and fifty g's! In the park. Rosita. Rosita Beach State Park. Just south of Daygo in Santa Rosita. It's in this box, buried under this... ...buried under this big W. You'll see it! You'll see it under this big W. You can't miss it! A big, big, W! And it's been there. And it's been laying there for fifteen years! Watch out. Watch out for the bulls. Lousy, stinking bulls are everywhere. Bulls all over the place. You just drive down and dig it up. Dig it all up. And then - and then you fix yourselves all up. Fix yourselves all up. Walk down the street like a king, back to the old neighborhood. See the fellas, the dames - the dames, all with a big hello - a big hello for old Smiler. Good old Smiler, everybody's friend. Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it!

Lennie Pike: Holy mackerel, take it easy, mister!

Russell: Easy!

Smiler Grogan: [last words] Please! Please say it don't make any difference, Aunt Belle! Please! You gotta say! You gotta tell me it don't make any difference!

Dingy Bell: For heaven's sake, tell him.

Melville Crump: It - It don't make any difference.

Lennie Pike: That guy is dead. You better believe it.

Benjamin: Oh, I believe it all right, but if he jumps up again like he did before, I'm gonna get the hell out of here.

Russell: Whoa! Hey d-did ya see it, the way he went sailing right out there? He just went sailing right out there.

Melville Crump: It was terrible, I m-a-mean just terrible. He musta been doin over eighty ya know.

Russell: An ambulance - we better, we oughta call an ambulance.

Dingy Bell: Oh...Oh look at that car.

Russell: He went sailing right out there.

Dingy Bell: How bout you doin ninety miles an hour?

Russell: I wasn't doin - he was passin me.

Dingy Bell: We weren't standin still when he passed us...

Russell: I never saw such a crazy guy in my life!...

Lennie Pike: Come on, let's get down there!

Russell: [to Emmeline and Mrs. Marcus] W...We're gonna go down there, you stay in the car.

Emmeline: Now Russell, be careful, remember your condition.

Mrs. Marcus: [gestures her hand with disdain] Eh.

Russell: [to himself; follows down after the group] Ooh, boy the way he just sailed out there.