Sid Caesar Quotes

First Cabbie That'll be two ninety.

Melville Crump Okay, here's three dollars. Wait for us, okay?

First Cabbie Oh, sure.

Melville Crump Wise guy.

Hardware Store Clerk I'm sorry, we're closed. It's twelve o'clock on Sunday.

Melville Crump It's twelve o'clock, they're closed. Wait a minute! All we want is a pick and a shovel.

Hardware Store Clerk Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...

Melville Crump Dinckler! That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on!

Monica Mount Shasta National Forest. Are we anywhere near Mount Shasta...

Melville Crump That's on the top. Look down near the bottom.

Monica Are we near Oregon?

Melville Crump It's seven hundred miles from here!

Russell Whoa! Hey d-did ya see it, the way he went sailing right out there? He just went sailing right out there.

Melville Crump It was terrible, I m-a-mean just terrible. He musta been doin over eighty ya know.

Russell An ambulance - we better, we oughta call an ambulance.

Dingy Bell Oh...Oh look at that car.

Russell He went sailing right out there.

Dingy Bell How bout you doin ninety miles an hour?

Russell I wasn't doin - he was passin me.

Dingy Bell We weren't standin still when he passed us...

Russell I never saw such a crazy guy in my life!...

Lennie Pike Come on, let's get down there!

Russell W...We're gonna go down there, you stay in the car.

Emmeline Now Russell, be careful, remember your condition.

Mrs. Marcus Eh.

Russell Ooh, boy the way he just sailed out there.

Mrs. Devaney Miss?

Nancy Pryor You need something?

Mrs. Devaney I feel a little queasy. The altitude I guess. I'll have a bourbon... with a beer chaser.

Barney Uh. Miss Devaney. Do you know what you just ordered? They call those boiler makers.

Mrs. Devaney I know.

Nancy Pryor A bourbon with a beer chaser.

Melville Crump Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off.

Dingy Bell Listen, Dentist: I hate dentists! And I hate you so much, that I'm not able to tell you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-!

Benjamin And visa versa.

Melville Crump Why you...Come on over here! Come on over here!

Lennie Pike So lets see, now, I got 1 share for being 1 person, 1 share for going down the hill, 1 share for the truck, and 1 share for being a person in the truck, but no matter how you figure it out, I still don't get as much as anybody else!

Melville Crump Let me explain once more. Them, their group, they, those 3, they get $112,000. Those over there, them, they get $97,000. We, we, us they get $84,000. And you, by yourself, you get $56,000, alone, and that's tax free money.

Lennie Pike What do you mean "tax free"?

Ben Powell What's the matter, you still mad cause I wouldn't let you split my skull with your ax?

Smiler Grogan Look, there's this dough see. There's all this dough. Three hundred and fifty g's! Do you hear what I'm saying? Three hundred and fifty g's! In the park. Rosita. Rosita Beach State Park. Just south of Daygo in Santa Rosita. It's in this box, buried under this... ...buried under this big W. You'll see it! You'll see it under this big W. You can't miss it! A big, big, W! And it's been there. And it's been laying there for fifteen years! Watch out. Watch out for the bulls. Lousy, stinking bulls are everywhere. Bulls all over the place. You just drive down and dig it up. Dig it all up. And then - and then you fix yourselves all up. Fix yourselves all up. Walk down the street like a king, back to the old neighborhood. See the fellas, the dames - the dames, all with a big hello - a big hello for old Smiler. Good old Smiler, everybody's friend. Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it!

Lennie Pike Holy mackerel, take it easy, mister!

Russell Easy!

Smiler Grogan Please! Please say it don't make any difference, Aunt Belle! Please! You gotta say! You gotta tell me it don't make any difference!

Dingy Bell For heaven's sake, tell him.

Melville Crump It - It don't make any difference.

Lennie Pike That guy is dead. You better believe it.

Benjamin Oh, I believe it all right, but if he jumps up again like he did before, I'm gonna get the hell out of here.

Mrs. Patroni Well, the first stewardess is at the controls, but she... she's in constant touch with the tower.

Barney You mean THE STEWARDESS IS FLYING THE PLANE?

Mrs. Patroni Would you please keep your voice down.

Barney S-s-sure... The stewardess is flying the plane. The stewardess...

Mrs Devaney Here...

Barney Thank you Mrs Devaney, but I don't drink.

Mrs Devaney Well what difference does it make now?

Barney You're right. No difference.

Benjamin It's all your fault, It's your fault right from beginning to end!

Col. Hawthorne You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous!

Sylvester Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no! You just had to go and grab up the whole scene, baby.

Dingy Bell We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.

Melville Crump 14 into $350,000...

Dingy Bell Oh, shut up!

Otto Meyer I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us... ...what happens to you, I hope will be worse!

Culpeper I don't think you have to worry about that. My wife is divorcing me; my mother in-law is suing me for damages; my daughter is petitioning the court to get her name changed; my pension has been revoked, and the ONLY reason, that you ten idiots will very likely get off lightly, is because the judge will have me up there...to throw the book at!

2nd Cabbie Awww...that's tough!

Culpeper I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there will be something that I could laugh at, anything.

Mrs. Marcus Now see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't...!

Sylvester Mama!

Mrs. Marcus Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!!!

Ben Powell Look, you can't afford a new car.

Steve Powell But dad, neither can you but you drive one.

Ben Powell I'm too poor to drive an old car.