Stan Laurel Quotes

Pack Up Your Troubles

Misunderstandings in the Dark

Oliver Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Stan It was so dark, I didn't think you would hear me.

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Block-Heads

Discussion on Smoking and Respectful Terms

Stan Do you think your wife would mind if I smoked my pipe?

Oliver Of course not. What's all right with me is okay with her.

Stan I know, but a lot of dames are particular.

Oliver Well yes, but... What do you mean calling my wife a dame?

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Way Out West

A Question of Ideas and Acceptance

Stan Do you mind if I have another idea?

Ollie If it's anything like the last one, YES!

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A Chump at Oxford

Advice on Demeanor and Posture

Stan By the way, Fatty.....you don't seem to have the dignity becoming of a lackey. You don't walk right or something. Throw your shoulders back. Now, chin up!! No, no, no - both of them!

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Way Out West

The Uniqueness of Creating Something Valuable

Stan Any bird can build a nest, but it isn't anyone that can lay an egg.

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Pack Up Your Troubles

Miscommunication About Military Recruitment

Recruiting Sergeant How about gettin in one of these uniforms?

Oliver I'm awfully sorry; but, we're incapacitated.

Recruiting Sergeant Incapacitated?

Stan Yes, sir. There's been a lot of it going around lately.

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Nothing But Trouble

Aged Wine and Modern Preferences

Mrs. Elvira Hawkley I thought a little spot of this might refresh you before taking up your new duties. It's Chateauneuf 1924.

Stan Gee, that's pretty old. Haven't you got anything new?

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Pack Up Your Troubles

Pack Up Your Troubles - Dialogue 9

Oliver Wasting your time like that! While I'm here slaving all day. Why don't you do something to help me?

Stan Well, what can I do?

Oliver Well, you can take care of the baby awhile. I've got my ironing to do!

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Way Out West

Secrets of a Gold Mine Revealed

Mickey Finn I'm Mary's legal guardian. What do you want to see her for?

Ollie Well, sir, we aren't supposed to talk about that to anyone else.

[smiling and shutting his eyes in his famous charming disarming way]

Stan Yeah, you see, it's PRIVATE. Her father died and left her a gold mine, and we're not supposed tell it to anyone but her, right Ollie?

Ollie Now that he's taken you into our CONFIDENCE...You might as well know the rest!

[glaring at Stan]

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Great Guns

Unexpected Responses in Tense Conversation

Sgt. Hippo What did I ever do to deserve a couple of yaps like you?

Stan Maybe you were good to your mother.

Sgt. Hippo Pipe down!

Stan Yes, sir.

Sgt. Hippo Now at 10:00 you're all going over for an IQ test, and according to the answers you give, you'll be classified in a job.

Stan Swell! We're good at quizes, aren't we, Ollie?

Oliver Maybe they'll put me in the intelligence "corpse".

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Nothing But Trouble

Confronting Fears: A Lion's Perspective

Oliver Well, there's nothing to it. All you have to do is look the lion straight in the eyes. Lions are afraid of that. I read that in a book.

Stan But did the lion read the book?

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Way Out West

A Conversation About Lola's Father

Lola Marcell Oh, tell me about my dear, dear Daddy! Is it true that he's dead?

Stan Well, we hope he is. They buried him.

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The Bohemian Girl

Communication Breakdown in Relationships

Ollie Hello, honey.

Ollie's Wife Don't honey me, you big bag of suet! I told you five minutes ago not to talk to me. I told you an hour ago. I told you a week ago!

Stan Yeah, and you told him a year ago too. Didn't you?

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A Chump at Oxford

Departure Plans Between Friends

Stan Ollie, where ya goin'?

Ollie Back to America for me!

Stan Ollie?

Ollie What?

Stan You're going without me...

[starts to cry]

Ollie Stan! You know me!

Stan Well, of course I know you... What do you have, one of those dizzy spells?

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Block-Heads

Definition of a knick-knack

Stan What's a knick-knack?

Oliver Oh a knick-knack is a thing that sits on top of a whatnot.

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Pack Up Your Troubles

Desire for Adventure Amidst Conflict

Oliver Well, looks like we're in it. Gee, I wish I could go.

Stan Go where?

Oliver Why to war!

Stan Why can't ya go?

Oliver There you are, I knew you'd take that selfish attitude. I'd go in a minute if it wasn't for my flat feet.

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The Devil's Brother

A Plan for Easy Wealth

Ollio Now we've got to start all over again - right at the bottom!

Stanlio Why don't we start at the top?

Ollio Whaddaya mean?

Stanlio Well, why don't we become bandits? Then we wouldn't have to work hard anymore. Let's get it the easy way. We could rob the rich and give them to the poor, and we could have all...

Ollio That's the first time you've shown any intelligence.

[Interrupting him]

Stanlio Well, it's the first time you've listened to me. You know if you listened to me, in a while you'd be a lot better off. But one thing worries me. We don't know anything about being bandits.

Ollio Why, we can become bandits. It's simple. It doesn't require any brains!

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Block-Heads

Reflecting on Personal Growth and Change

Stan You remember how dumb I used to be?

Oliver Yeah?

Stan Well, I'm better now.

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Pack Up Your Troubles

Following Orders in Military Protocol

Oliver Say, what are we supposed to do with this stuff?

[on KP Duty]

George Marshall Are you kidding me? What do you think you do with it? Take it to the General!

Stan Now what do you suppose the General wants with this?

Oliver There you go asking questions again! When will you learn to follow Army curriculum? OBEY ORDERS, WITH DISCIPLINE! If the General wants it, he can have it!

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The Big Noise

Eccentricity of Inventors Discussed in Conversation

Stan You know what?

Oliver What?

Stan I've got a clue. I think Mr. Hartley is just a bit cracked. Well, I ought to know.

Oliver All inventors are like that - they're eccentric. They're not like you and me.

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Pack Up Your Troubles

Finding Mr. Smith Is Simple

Stan Now what are we gonna do?

Oliver All we've got to do is find Mr. Smith.

Stan You don't know where they live.

Oliver Will you leave that to me. It's the simplest thing in the world.

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The Devil's Brother

Love and Regret in Relationships

Stanlio Try and put yourself in my place.

[Ordered to hang Ollio or be killed himself]

Ollio I wish I could.

Stanlio Ollio, do you remember that girl you were very much in love with?A nd she wouldn't marry you because she heard you had a son?

Ollio Yes?

Stanlio Well, I was to blame for that. I told her I was your son!

Ollio Hurry up and get this over with! You're wasting my time!

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Pack Up Your Troubles

Confusion Over Mr. Smith's Location

Oliver Pardon me, Officer. Would you happen to tell us where Mr. Smith lives?

Policeman Smith?

Oliver Yes, sir.

Policeman Smith. Smith. Let me think. What Smith?

Stan It's Eddie's father.

Policeman Eddie who?

Oliver Why the father of this child.

Policeman What's his name?

Stan Who?

Policeman Why the father of this child. That's who you're looking for, isn't it?

Oliver Ah no, sir.

Policeman No?

Oliver The man we're looking for is the father of the father of this child.

Policeman Oh, now I understand you. It's the grandfather that's lost.

Oliver Yes. Oh, no sir. He's not lost.

Policeman No? Well, then what are you looking for him for?

Stan We're not looking for him. We just tryin to find him.

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Block-Heads

Recognition Through the Newspaper

Stan How'd you know I was here?

Oliver I saw your picture in the paper!

Stan Did you?

Oliver Yeah!

Stan How'd I look?

Oliver Well, you haven't changed a bit!

Stan Huh! Neither've you, too. You know, if I hadn't of seen ya, I never would've known ya.

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Nothing But Trouble

Confronting Fear and Indifference to Death

Oliver Come Stanley, let no one say that we were afraid to die.

Stan I don't care who says it.

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Swiss Miss

Proposal for Selling the Cheese Business

Cheese Factory Propietor Now I've an idea.

Stan and Oliver You've an idea?

Cheese Factory Propietor I'll buy the whole business for five thousand cool.

Oliver Why for you're being so generous, we'll throw in our mule.

Stan You can't do that, Ollie, don't be such a fool.

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A Chump at Oxford

Misunderstanding at the College Entrance

Student Pardon me sir, but haven't you come to the wrong college?

Ollie This is Oxford isn't it?

Student Yes but, you're dressed for Eton

Stan Just as well, we haven't eaten since breakfast

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The Bohemian Girl

A Humorous Exchange About the Time

Town Crier Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well!

Stan Could you tell us the time?

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Block-Heads

A Conversation About Hidden Abilities

Oliver Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?

Stan Well, you didn't ask me! I've always had em...

Oliver You're better now...

[sarcastically]

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Swiss Miss

Brandy Leads to Unusual Sightings

Stan I see a monkey.

Oliver A what?

Stan A monkey.

Oliver Well it doesn't surprise me a bit. If you don't quit drinking that brandy, you'll be seeing pink elephants.

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Way Out West

Confusion Over Identity in Way Out West

Ollie Did you hear what she said her name was?

[Stan and Ollie stop walking, Ollie does a double take]

Stan Sure, Mary Roberts.

Ollie How can she be Mary Roberts when we've just given the deed to Mary Roberts?

Stan I don't know.

[crushes a cigar butt with his shoe]

Ollie I smell a rat.

Stan I smell something too.

[discovers his shoe is smoking from the cigar butt, dunks his feet into the janitor's water pail]

Ollie Come on.

Ollie Pardon me, did you ever have a father by the name of Cy Roberts?

Mary Roberts Why, yes. He left me here with these people years ago when he went prospecting.

Ollie Well, who's that woman upstairs?

Mary Roberts That's Lola Marcel, Mr. Finn's wife. She's my legal guardian now.

Stan Can I speak to you for a minute?

Ollie Pardon us.

Stan Yeah, we'll be right back.

Stan You know what?

Ollie What?

Stan I think we've given that deed to the wrong woman. That's the first mistake we've made since that guy sold us the Brooklyn Bridge.

Ollie Oh, buying that bridge was no mistake. That's gonna be worth a lot of money to us someday.

Stan Well, maybe you're right. We'd better go and get the deed.

Ollie Say, maybe they won't give it back to us.

Stan What do you mean, they won't give it back to us? We'll get that deed, or I'll eat your hat.

Ollie That's what I call determination.

Way Out West

A Hat Eating Challenge is Proposed

Stan Your hat's dry.

Ollie Oh that reminds me, you made a statement this afternoon.

Stan Did I?

Ollie Mmm-hmmm. You said if we didn't get the deed, you'd eat my hat.

Stan Oh, now you're taking me literally.

Ollie Nevertheless, I'm going to teach you not to make rash promises.

Ollie Eat the hat.

Stan Oh that's silly. Whoever heard of anybody eating a hat?

Ollie Whoever heard of anybody doing that.

Ollie Eat the hat!

Stan I won't do it.

[Gives it back]

Ollie If you don't eat that hat, I'll tie you to a tree and let the buzzards get you!

[Slams it back in his lap]

Stan Would you really do that?

Ollie I certainly would. Eat it.

Great Guns

Assignment of a Porter and Schedule Adjustments

Stan Look, they've assigned us a porter.

[Hippo lights his pipe with an exploded shell and gets soot all over his face]

Oliver You may start over here, my good man, and you may have Thursdays off.

Stan Twice a week.

The Flying Deuces

Acceptance of Past Mistakes

Stan There's no use crying over split milk.

Way Out West

Planning a Scheme in Way Out West

Mickey Finn And I'll take care of those two bozos and get them out of town.

Lola Marcel Don't worry, leave everything to me. I've done pretty good up to now, haven't I?

[Stan enters and overhears Lola talking to Mickey]

Stan You certainly have, I wish you were in my shoes.

Mickey Finn Eh-hrm, oh how about a drink on the house?

Oliver That suits me fine.

Stan How'd you get dressed so quick?

Oliver None of your business.

Oliver Goodbye Miss Roberts, and thanks for the use of your boudoir.

Lola Marcel You're very welcome.

Stan Goodbye. Now that you've got the mine, I bet you'll be a swell gold-digger.

Block-Heads

A Reunion After Many Years

Oliver Lulu, I haven't seen you in ages. You remember Stan, don't you?

Lulu How could I ever forget him.

Oliver I just met him today. You know, I haven't seen him in 20 years.

Stan No, you see, everybody thought I was dead. Didn't they?

Oliver Umm-hmm.

Lulu How did you find out you weren't?

Stan Well, I figured that - well, I saw my picture in the paper.

A Chump at Oxford

Dizzy Spell Humor in A Chump at Oxford

Stan Look, he's having one of those dizzy spells.

[Pointing to Wilfred Lucas]

Ollie Yeah, he's a Dizzy Dean!

Pack Up Your Troubles

Business Ventures in the Community

Bank President What is your business?

Oliver We're in the restaurant business.

Bank President Here in town?

Oliver Oh, all over town. Here, there and thither.

Bank President Chain business?

Stan No, restaurant.

Memorable Quotes from Stan Laurel