The Devil's Brother - Love and Regret in Relationships
Stanlio: [Ordered to hang Ollio or be killed himself]
Try and put yourself in my place.
Ollio:
I wish I could.
Stanlio:
Ollio, do you remember that girl you were very much in love with?A nd she wouldn't marry you because she heard you had a son?
Ollio:
Yes?
Stanlio:
Well, I was to blame for that. I told her I was your son!
Ollio:
Hurry up and get this over with! You're wasting my time!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Devil's Brother - A Plan for Easy Wealth
Ollio:
Now we've got to start all over again - right at the bottom!
Stanlio:
Why don't we start at the top?
Ollio:
Whaddaya mean?
Stanlio:
Well, why don't we become bandits? Then we wouldn't have to work hard anymore. Let's get it the easy way. We could rob the rich and give them to the poor, and we could have all...
Ollio: [Interrupting him]
That's the first time you've shown any intelligence.
Stanlio:
Well, it's the first time you've listened to me. You know if you listened to me, in a while you'd be a lot better off. But one thing worries me. We don't know anything about being bandits.
Ollio:
Why, we can become bandits. It's simple. It doesn't require any brains!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Big Noise - Eccentricity of Inventors Discussed in Conversation
Stan:
You know what?
Oliver:
What?
Stan:
I've got a clue. I think Mr. Hartley is just a bit cracked. Well, I ought to know.
Oliver:
All inventors are like that - they're eccentric. They're not like you and me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Swiss Miss - Brandy Leads to Unusual Sightings
Stan:
I see a monkey.
Oliver:
A what?
Stan:
A monkey.
Oliver:
Well it doesn't surprise me a bit. If you don't quit drinking that brandy, you'll be seeing pink elephants.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Swiss Miss - Proposal for Selling the Cheese Business
Cheese Factory Propietor:
Now I've an idea.
Stan and Oliver:
You've an idea?
Cheese Factory Propietor:
I'll buy the whole business for five thousand cool.
Oliver:
Why for you're being so generous, we'll throw in our mule.
Stan:
You can't do that, Ollie, don't be such a fool.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Bohemian Girl - A Humorous Exchange About the Time
Town Crier:
Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well! Nine o'clock and all is well!
Stan:
Could you tell us the time?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Bohemian Girl - Communication Breakdown in Relationships
Ollie:
Hello, honey.
Ollie's Wife:
Don't honey me, you big bag of suet! I told you five minutes ago not to talk to me. I told you an hour ago. I told you a week ago!
Stan:
Yeah, and you told him a year ago too. Didn't you?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Way Out West - A Hat Eating Challenge is Proposed
Stan:
Your hat's dry.
Ollie:
Oh that reminds me, you made a statement this afternoon.
Stan:
Did I?
Ollie:
Mmm-hmmm. You said if we didn't get the deed, you'd eat my hat.
Stan:
Oh, now you're taking me literally.
Ollie:
Nevertheless, I'm going to teach you not to make rash promises.
Ollie:
Eat the hat.
Stan:
Oh that's silly. Whoever heard of anybody eating a hat?
Ollie:
Whoever heard of anybody doing that.
Ollie:
Eat the hat!
Stan: [Gives it back]
I won't do it.
Ollie: [Slams it back in his lap]
If you don't eat that hat, I'll tie you to a tree and let the buzzards get you!
Stan:
Would you really do that?
Ollie:
I certainly would. Eat it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Way Out West - Confusion Over Identity in Way Out West
Ollie: [Stan and Ollie stop walking, Ollie does a double take]
Did you hear what she said her name was?
Stan:
Sure, Mary Roberts.
Ollie:
How can she be Mary Roberts when we've just given the deed to Mary Roberts?
Stan: [crushes a cigar butt with his shoe]
I don't know.
Ollie:
I smell a rat.
Stan: [discovers his shoe is smoking from the cigar butt, dunks his feet into the janitor's water pail]
I smell something too.
Ollie:
Come on.
Ollie:
Pardon me, did you ever have a father by the name of Cy Roberts?
Mary Roberts:
Why, yes. He left me here with these people years ago when he went prospecting.
Ollie:
Well, who's that woman upstairs?
Mary Roberts:
That's Lola Marcel, Mr. Finn's wife. She's my legal guardian now.
Stan:
Can I speak to you for a minute?
Ollie:
Pardon us.
Stan:
Yeah, we'll be right back.
Stan:
You know what?
Ollie:
What?
Stan:
I think we've given that deed to the wrong woman. That's the first mistake we've made since that guy sold us the Brooklyn Bridge.
Ollie:
Oh, buying that bridge was no mistake. That's gonna be worth a lot of money to us someday.
Stan:
Well, maybe you're right. We'd better go and get the deed.
Ollie:
Say, maybe they won't give it back to us.
Stan:
What do you mean, they won't give it back to us? We'll get that deed, or I'll eat your hat.
Ollie:
That's what I call determination.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Way Out West - Planning a Scheme in Way Out West
Mickey Finn:
And I'll take care of those two bozos and get them out of town.
Lola Marcel: [Stan enters and overhears Lola talking to Mickey]
Don't worry, leave everything to me. I've done pretty good up to now, haven't I?
Stan:
You certainly have, I wish you were in my shoes.
Mickey Finn:
Eh-hrm, oh how about a drink on the house?
Oliver:
That suits me fine.
Stan:
How'd you get dressed so quick?
Oliver:
None of your business.
Oliver:
Goodbye Miss Roberts, and thanks for the use of your boudoir.
Lola Marcel:
You're very welcome.
Stan:
Goodbye. Now that you've got the mine, I bet you'll be a swell gold-digger.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Way Out West - A Conversation About Lola's Father
Lola Marcell:
Oh, tell me about my dear, dear Daddy! Is it true that he's dead?
Stan:
Well, we hope he is. They buried him.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Way Out West - Secrets of a Gold Mine Revealed
Mickey Finn:
I'm Mary's legal guardian. What do you want to see her for?
Ollie: [smiling and shutting his eyes in his famous charming disarming way]
Well, sir, we aren't supposed to talk about that to anyone else.
Stan:
Yeah, you see, it's PRIVATE. Her father died and left her a gold mine, and we're not supposed tell it to anyone but her, right Ollie?
Ollie: [glaring at Stan]
Now that he's taken you into our CONFIDENCE...You might as well know the rest!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Way Out West - A Question of Ideas and Acceptance
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Way Out West - The Uniqueness of Creating Something Valuable
Stan:
Any bird can build a nest, but it isn't anyone that can lay an egg.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Block-Heads - A Conversation About Hidden Abilities
Oliver:
Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?
Stan:
Well, you didn't ask me! I've always had em...
Oliver: [sarcastically]
You're better now...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Block-Heads - Discussion on Smoking and Respectful Terms
Stan:
Do you think your wife would mind if I smoked my pipe?
Oliver:
Of course not. What's all right with me is okay with her.
Stan:
I know, but a lot of dames are particular.
Oliver:
Well yes, but... What do you mean calling my wife a dame?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Block-Heads - Reflecting on Personal Growth and Change
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Block-Heads - Definition of a knick-knack
Stan:
What's a knick-knack?
Oliver:
Oh a knick-knack is a thing that sits on top of a whatnot.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Block-Heads - A Reunion After Many Years
Oliver:
Lulu, I haven't seen you in ages. You remember Stan, don't you?
Lulu:
How could I ever forget him.
Oliver:
I just met him today. You know, I haven't seen him in 20 years.
Stan:
No, you see, everybody thought I was dead. Didn't they?
Oliver:
Umm-hmm.
Lulu:
How did you find out you weren't?
Stan:
Well, I figured that - well, I saw my picture in the paper.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Block-Heads - Recognition Through the Newspaper
Stan:
How'd you know I was here?
Oliver:
I saw your picture in the paper!
Stan:
Did you?
Oliver:
Yeah!
Stan:
How'd I look?
Oliver:
Well, you haven't changed a bit!
Stan:
Huh! Neither've you, too. You know, if I hadn't of seen ya, I never would've known ya.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Chump at Oxford - Departure Plans Between Friends
Stan:
Ollie, where ya goin'?
Ollie:
Back to America for me!
Stan:
Ollie?
Ollie:
What?
Stan: [starts to cry]
You're going without me...
Ollie:
Stan! You know me!
Stan:
Well, of course I know you... What do you have, one of those dizzy spells?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Chump at Oxford - Dizzy Spell Humor in A Chump at Oxford
Stan: [Pointing to Wilfred Lucas]
Look, he's having one of those dizzy spells.
Ollie:
Yeah, he's a Dizzy Dean!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Chump at Oxford - Misunderstanding at the College Entrance
Student:
Pardon me sir, but haven't you come to the wrong college?
Ollie:
This is Oxford isn't it?
Student:
Yes but, you're dressed for Eton
Stan:
Just as well, we haven't eaten since breakfast
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Chump at Oxford - Advice on Demeanor and Posture
Stan:
By the way, Fatty.....you don't seem to have the dignity becoming of a lackey. You don't walk right or something. Throw your shoulders back. Now, chin up!! No, no, no - both of them!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nothing But Trouble - Confronting Fear and Indifference to Death
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nothing But Trouble - Confronting Fears: A Lion's Perspective
Oliver:
Well, there's nothing to it. All you have to do is look the lion straight in the eyes. Lions are afraid of that. I read that in a book.
Stan:
But did the lion read the book?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nothing But Trouble - Aged Wine and Modern Preferences
Mrs. Elvira Hawkley:
I thought a little spot of this might refresh you before taking up your new duties. It's Chateauneuf 1924.
Stan:
Gee, that's pretty old. Haven't you got anything new?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Great Guns - Assignment of a Porter and Schedule Adjustments
Stan: [Hippo lights his pipe with an exploded shell and gets soot all over his face]
Look, they've assigned us a porter.
Oliver:
You may start over here, my good man, and you may have Thursdays off.
Stan:
Twice a week.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Great Guns - Unexpected Responses in Tense Conversation
Sgt. Hippo:
What did I ever do to deserve a couple of yaps like you?
Stan:
Maybe you were good to your mother.
Sgt. Hippo:
Pipe down!
Stan:
Yes, sir.
Sgt. Hippo:
Now at 10:00 you're all going over for an IQ test, and according to the answers you give, you'll be classified in a job.
Stan:
Swell! We're good at quizes, aren't we, Ollie?
Oliver:
Maybe they'll put me in the intelligence "corpse".
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Flying Deuces - Acceptance of Past Mistakes
Stan:
There's no use crying over split milk.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pack Up Your Troubles - Pack Up Your Troubles - Dialogue 9
Oliver:
Wasting your time like that! While I'm here slaving all day. Why don't you do something to help me?
Stan:
Well, what can I do?
Oliver:
Well, you can take care of the baby awhile. I've got my ironing to do!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pack Up Your Troubles - Confusion Over Mr. Smith's Location
Oliver:
Pardon me, Officer. Would you happen to tell us where Mr. Smith lives?
Policeman:
Smith?
Oliver:
Yes, sir.
Policeman:
Smith. Smith. Let me think. What Smith?
Stan:
It's Eddie's father.
Policeman:
Eddie who?
Oliver:
Why the father of this child.
Policeman:
What's his name?
Stan:
Who?
Policeman:
Why the father of this child. That's who you're looking for, isn't it?
Oliver:
Ah no, sir.
Policeman:
No?
Oliver:
The man we're looking for is the father of the father of this child.
Policeman:
Oh, now I understand you. It's the grandfather that's lost.
Oliver:
Yes. Oh, no sir. He's not lost.
Policeman:
No? Well, then what are you looking for him for?
Stan:
We're not looking for him. We just tryin to find him.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pack Up Your Troubles - Finding Mr. Smith Is Simple
Stan:
Now what are we gonna do?
Oliver:
All we've got to do is find Mr. Smith.
Stan:
You don't know where they live.
Oliver:
Will you leave that to me. It's the simplest thing in the world.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pack Up Your Troubles - Business Ventures in the Community
Bank President:
What is your business?
Oliver:
We're in the restaurant business.
Bank President:
Here in town?
Oliver:
Oh, all over town. Here, there and thither.
Bank President:
Chain business?
Stan:
No, restaurant.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pack Up Your Troubles - Misunderstandings in the Dark
Oliver:
Why didn't you tell me it was you?
Stan:
It was so dark, I didn't think you would hear me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pack Up Your Troubles - Following Orders in Military Protocol
Oliver: [on KP Duty]
Say, what are we supposed to do with this stuff?
George Marshall:
Are you kidding me? What do you think you do with it? Take it to the General!
Stan:
Now what do you suppose the General wants with this?
Oliver:
There you go asking questions again! When will you learn to follow Army curriculum? OBEY ORDERS, WITH DISCIPLINE! If the General wants it, he can have it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pack Up Your Troubles - Miscommunication About Military Recruitment
Recruiting Sergeant:
How about gettin in one of these uniforms?
Oliver:
I'm awfully sorry; but, we're incapacitated.
Recruiting Sergeant:
Incapacitated?
Stan:
Yes, sir. There's been a lot of it going around lately.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pack Up Your Troubles - Desire for Adventure Amidst Conflict
Oliver:
Well, looks like we're in it. Gee, I wish I could go.
Stan:
Go where?
Oliver:
Why to war!
Stan:
Why can't ya go?
Oliver:
There you are, I knew you'd take that selfish attitude. I'd go in a minute if it wasn't for my flat feet.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.