Meet the Fockers - A Humorous Take on Love and Relationships
Greg Focker: [high on Truth Serum, giving a speech]
Hello everybody. I am, uh, about to set sail on my ship... on the sea of life with my first mate - the beautiful Pamela Byrnes.
Pam Byrnes: [blows kiss]
Love you, baby!
Greg Focker: [drunkenly blows back kiss, pauses; blabbers incoherently; sees Jorge]
I still masturbate to Pam. What? She's hot - check out those boobs. I just wanna lather em up with soap and... rub my face in em. I could take a vacation in there. What? Gosh, sorry for you being perfect! And there's another wonderful lady in the audience, my future mother-in-law Dina Byrnes! Dina-Dina-Bo-Bina-I-love-Dina! Byrnes! You know they say you can tell from looking at the mother what your wife will look like in the future - well, I'ma looking, and I'm-a LIKIN... In my first... passionate sexual awakening, I made sweet, sweet love to my housekeeper, Isabel.
Pam Byrnes:
Come on, honey, that was in the past, so sit down.
Greg Focker:
No, no, no, baby - I gotta get this off my chest.
Pam Byrnes:
Please... sit.
Greg Focker: [everyone applauds; Pam gasps in horror; falls backward and passing out]
We conceived a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. This is the fruit of my loins. Come on! Search your feelings, Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa! Yeah, I know, a lot of information to take in. Give that boy a hand. Oh, and Jack? PAM'S PREGNANT. Focker out!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Meet the Fockers - Concerns Over Parenting Choices and Teething Remedies
Jack Byrnes:
I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
Greg Focker:
It was Barry Poppins.
Jack Byrnes:
What kind of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Roz Focker:
Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
Jack Byrnes:
It was your idea?
Roz Focker:
Yes.
Jack Byrnes:
What is wrong with you people?!
Bernie Focker:
You people?
Dina Byrnes:
I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Jack Byrnes:
Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Greg Focker:
Jack, he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
Jack Byrnes:
He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his development.
Roz Focker:
The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Greg Focker:
Mom...
Jack Byrnes:
What are you saying?
Roz Focker:
I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here. And I've got news for you, Jack,. Prodigies don't eat their own boogers.
Jack Byrnes:
And I have news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes:
Okay, Dad. That's my fiancee.
Jack Byrnes:
I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Roz Focker:
Why? Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
Jack Byrnes: [Greg is getting extremely frustrated]
The Little Jack in me?
Roz Focker:
Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed?
Greg Focker:
Mom, stop.
Bernie Focker:
Key question!
Roz Focker:
My guess is no.
Jack Byrnes:
Would you spare me the drugstore psychology?
Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing; the arguing stops]
Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP! Okay?! Jack, I'm not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying, so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second, I came back in, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
Jack:
Oh, that's it! Greg just said that's it, so I feel much better now.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.