Memorable Quotes from Tim Allen
24 quotesConnection Between Strangers: Profound or Mundane?
Eliot Arnold
What is it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos.
[v.o.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Workplace Tension Amid Personal Struggles
Deeber
If you want to continue working at this newspaper, you will put something in here before you go home.
[points to his computer monitor]
Eliot Arnold
Why don't I put something in there right now?
Eliot Arnold
Deeber picked the wrong day to be a jerk. Earlier that day I found out my wife was having an affair with her tennis instructor.
[v.o.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on How to Defeat an Enemy
Alexander Dane
Fred's no good, Jason; you're just gonna have to kill it.
Jason Nesmith
Kill it"? Well, I'm open to any suggestions!
Tommy Webber
Go for the eyes, like in Episode 22!
Jason Nesmith
It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!
Tommy Webber
Well, then go for the throat or mouth, its vulnerable spots!
Jason Nesmith
It's a rock: It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
Guy Fleegman
I know! You construct a ]. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
[[weapon]
Jason Nesmith
A LATHE?! GET OFF THE LINE, GUY!! Alexander, you're my advisor. Advise me!
Alexander Dane
Well, you're just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
Jason Nesmith
It's a rock monster! It doesn't have motivation!
Alexander Dane
You see, this was your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Identity in Unusual Circumstances
Dave Douglas
I AM A DOG! PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE, EVERYBODY! I'M A DOG! I AM A DOG!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Logic of Fictional Elements
Gwen DeMarco
What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!
Jason Nesmith
Gwen, Gwen!
Gwen DeMarco
No! I mean, we shouldn't have to do this! It makes no logical sense! Why is it here?
Jason Nesmith
Because it's on the television show!
Gwen DeMarco
Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was badly written!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Apologies and Misunderstandings Among Parents and Kids
Eliot Arnold
Look, I'm sorry that my kid squirted your daughter... I-I mean, I'm sorry that he got her wet... I mean... the way he described it, it was just supposed to be a game.
Anna Herk
Well, hey, kids.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Over Lines and Episode Roles
Jason Nesmith
Come on, old friend!
[Keeping Dane from running away]
Alexander Dane
Old friend?! You stole all my best lines, you cut me out of episode two entirely!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unidentified Objects in Space Encounter
Guy Fleegman
Hey, guys, th–there's a red-uh thingy, movin toward the green thingy.
[manning the sensor station; Sarris has sent missiles at the ''Protector'']
Jason Nesmith
What?
Guy Fleegman
Red thingy, movin toward the green thingy. I think we're the green thingy.
[repeating]
Sarris
A little present for you, Commander.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perspective on Florida's Unique Residents
Eliot Arnold
Arthur Herk: one of the few Floridians who was ] for ].
[v.o.; [w:2000 United States presidential election recount in Florida#Palm Beach County's butterfly ballot|<u>not</u> confused when he voted; [Pat Buchanan]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Tense Farewell Between Two Characters
Arthur Herk
Good, now you and your shithead kid can get the hell out of here, and never come back.
[to Eliot]
Eliot Arnold
Thanks for everything.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation on Mutual Dislike
Walt Scheel
Does this mean we have start being nice to each other?
Luther Krank
Of course not.
Walt Scheel
Good, cause I still don't like you that much.
Luther Krank
Well, that's great. I'm not fond of you either.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Luther Krank's Self-Deprecating Observation
Luther Krank
I look like a Mafia Lieutenant.
[dressed in black to hide his tan]
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A Photographer's Question Sparks Curiosity
Walt Scheel
Well, if it isn't old Scrooge himself.
Luther Krank
How do you think this photographer got this shot?
Walt Scheel
What photographer?
Luther Krank
The one who took this photograph.
Walt Scheel
Oh, that one.
Luther Krank
Yeah, that one.
Walt Scheel
Well, he climbed up.
Luther Krank
On your roof?
Walt Scheel
Yeah.
Luther Krank
Well, why did you do that?
Walt Scheel
I don't know. He said he wanted to get a shot of the whole street.
Luther Krank
At least you're consistent.
Walt Scheel
I try to be, old man.
Luther Krank
Stop that!
Walt Scheel
Stop what?
Luther Krank
Stop calling me old man! You're like 10 years older than me!
Walt Scheel
Am I?
Luther Krank
Yeah!
Walt Scheel
Well, prove it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Changes in Life's Journey
Eliot Arnold
We all go along day after day when suddenly a bomb drops into our lives. Sometimes you can't get out of the way. Sometimes it's a new beginning.
[v.o.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Turn in the Conversation
Eliot Arnold
Okay, now it's my turn. Up yours, you little shithead. Okay, your turn.
[After his son has just called him a loser]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Earning Respect Through Extraordinary Challenges
Eliot Arnold
I had to outrun a plane and subdue two convicts with a nuclear weapon to earn Matt's respect. But it was worth it.
[v.o.; sic]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Damage Report and Engine Status Inquiry
Computer
Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage. Aft vector guards, 96% damage. Structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40...
Jason Nesmith
What about the engines?
Computer
Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage.
Gwen DeMarco
Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power?
Computer
The beryllium sphere has fractured under stress.
Gwen DeMarco
It's fractured.
Jason Nesmith
Can it be repaired?
Gwen DeMarco
Computer, can it be repaired?
Computer
Damage to beryllium sphere: Irreparable. New source of beryllium must be secured.
Gwen DeMarco
We need another one.
Alexander Dane
You broke the ship. You broke the bloody ship!
[to Jason]
Jason Nesmith
Eh, uh-- Computer, is there, uh, a replacement Beryllium sphere on board?
[clears throat]
Gwen DeMarco
Computer, is there a replacement Beryllium sphere on board?
Computer
Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists on board.
Gwen DeMarco
No, we have no extra Beryllium sphere on board.
[to crew]
Tommy Webber
You know, that is really getting annoying!
Gwen DeMarco
Look! I have one job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm gonna do it! Okay?
Tommy Webber
Sure, no problem.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Sounds in a Calm Situation
Jason Nesmith
What? what was that?
Alexander Dane
Uh, nothing.
Jason Nesmith
I heard some squealin or somethin'.
Gwen DeMarco
Oh, no. Everything's fine.
Teb
But the animal is inside out.
Jason Nesmith
I heard that! It turned inside out?
Teb
And it exploded.
Jason Nesmith
Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it exploded? Hello?
Gwen DeMarco
Hold, please.
[Flipping a bit of pig-lizard off her communicator]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Actors Face Off Against Their Adversary
Tommy Webber
Whoo!
Guy Fleegman
We're getting hammered, Jason! Return fire?
Jason Nesmith
No! Divert all energy to the armor!
Sarris
How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.
Gwen DeMarco
Sarris ship accelerating toward us at Mark 2.
Jason Nesmith
Accelerate to Mark 4!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation in the Face of Danger
Sarris
Let me remind you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.
Jason Nesmith
Well, let me tell you somethin', Sarris! It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating!
Gwen DeMarco
Armor almost gone, Jason!
Sarris
You fool! You fail to realize that with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper!
Jason Nesmith
And what you fail to realize is my ship is dragging mines!
Sarris
OH, NO! TURN! TURN!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Success in a New City
John
You want to make five dollars?
[to Puggy]
John
Lay down gentle, so as not to fall. Strong... come back tomorrow one o'clock, maybe I have more job for you.
[Puggy does.]
Eliot Arnold
After only one day in Miami, Puggy had a more rewarding career and lived in a better neighborhood than I did.
[v.o.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Blaming Evening on Rap Music and Violence
Eliot Arnold
I say we blame this whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television.
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Fear of the Unknown in Space Adventure
Guy Fleegman
I changed my mind; I wanna go back.
[whimpering]
Alexander Dane
After all the fuss you made about getting left behind?
Guy Fleegman
Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
Jason Nesmith
You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
Guy Fleegman
I'm not? Then what's my last name?
Jason Nesmith
It's, uh, uh-- I don't know.
Guy Fleegman
Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
Gwen DeMarco
Guy, you have a last name.
Guy Fleegman
DO I??!! DO I??!! FOR ALL YOU KNOW, I'M "CREWMAN #6"! Mommy! Mommy!
[puts his head on Gwen's shoulder and cries]
Alexander Dane
Are we there yet?
[wearily]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggling with Identity and Responsibility
Dave Douglas
This is just not workin'. I'm not a bad dog... but I'm a terrible man. I've got to make this better.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.