Tim AllenQuotes

Dave Douglas: This is just not workin'. I'm not a bad dog... but I'm a terrible man. I've got to make this better.

Dave Douglas: I AM A DOG! PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE, EVERYBODY! I'M A DOG! I AM A DOG!

Arthur Herk: [to Eliot] Good, now you and your shithead kid can get the hell out of here, and never come back.

Eliot Arnold: Thanks for everything.

Eliot Arnold: Look, I'm sorry that my kid squirted your daughter... I-I mean, I'm sorry that he got her wet... I mean... the way he described it, it was just supposed to be a game.

Anna Herk: Well, hey, kids.

John: [to Puggy] You want to make five dollars?

John: [Puggy does.] Lay down gentle, so as not to fall. Strong... come back tomorrow one o'clock, maybe I have more job for you.

Eliot Arnold: [v.o.] After only one day in Miami, Puggy had a more rewarding career and lived in a better neighborhood than I did.

Deeber: [points to his computer monitor] If you want to continue working at this newspaper, you will put something in here before you go home.

Eliot Arnold: Why don't I put something in there right now?

Eliot Arnold: [v.o.] Deeber picked the wrong day to be a jerk. Earlier that day I found out my wife was having an affair with her tennis instructor.

Eliot Arnold: [v.o.] What is it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos.

Eliot Arnold: [v.o.] We all go along day after day when suddenly a bomb drops into our lives. Sometimes you can't get out of the way. Sometimes it's a new beginning.

Eliot Arnold: [v.o.; sic] I had to outrun a plane and subdue two convicts with a nuclear weapon to earn Matt's respect. But it was worth it.

Eliot Arnold: [After his son has just called him a loser] Okay, now it's my turn. Up yours, you little shithead. Okay, your turn.

Eliot Arnold: I say we blame this whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television.

Eliot Arnold: [v.o.; [w:2000 United States presidential election recount in Florida#Palm Beach County's butterfly ballot|<u>not</u> confused when he voted; [Pat Buchanan] Arthur Herk: one of the few Floridians who was ] for ].

Sarris: Let me remind you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.

Jason Nesmith: Well, let me tell you somethin', Sarris! It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating!

Gwen DeMarco: Armor almost gone, Jason!

Sarris: You fool! You fail to realize that with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper!

Jason Nesmith: And what you fail to realize is my ship is dragging mines!

Sarris: OH, NO! TURN! TURN!

Tommy Webber: Whoo!

Guy Fleegman: We're getting hammered, Jason! Return fire?

Jason Nesmith: No! Divert all energy to the armor!

Sarris: How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.

Gwen DeMarco: Sarris ship accelerating toward us at Mark 2.

Jason Nesmith: Accelerate to Mark 4!

Gwen DeMarco: What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!

Jason Nesmith: Gwen, Gwen!

Gwen DeMarco: No! I mean, we shouldn't have to do this! It makes no logical sense! Why is it here?

Jason Nesmith: Because it's on the television show!

Gwen DeMarco: Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was badly written!

Alexander Dane: Fred's no good, Jason; you're just gonna have to kill it.

Jason Nesmith: Kill it"? Well, I'm open to any suggestions!

Tommy Webber: Go for the eyes, like in Episode 22!

Jason Nesmith: It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!

Tommy Webber: Well, then go for the throat or mouth, its vulnerable spots!

Jason Nesmith: It's a rock: It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!

Guy Fleegman: [[weapon] I know! You construct a ]. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?

Jason Nesmith: A LATHE?! GET OFF THE LINE, GUY!! Alexander, you're my advisor. Advise me!

Alexander Dane: Well, you're just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?

Jason Nesmith: It's a rock monster! It doesn't have motivation!

Alexander Dane: You see, this was your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft!

Jason Nesmith: What? what was that?

Alexander Dane: Uh, nothing.

Jason Nesmith: I heard some squealin or somethin'.

Gwen DeMarco: Oh, no. Everything's fine.

Teb: But the animal is inside out.

Jason Nesmith: I heard that! It turned inside out?

Teb: And it exploded.

Jason Nesmith: Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it exploded? Hello?

Gwen DeMarco: [Flipping a bit of pig-lizard off her communicator] Hold, please.

Guy Fleegman: [whimpering] I changed my mind; I wanna go back.

Alexander Dane: After all the fuss you made about getting left behind?

Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.

Jason Nesmith: You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.

Guy Fleegman: I'm not? Then what's my last name?

Jason Nesmith: It's, uh, uh-- I don't know.

Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.

Gwen DeMarco: Guy, you have a last name.

Guy Fleegman: [puts his head on Gwen's shoulder and cries] DO I??!! DO I??!! FOR ALL YOU KNOW, I'M "CREWMAN #6"! Mommy! Mommy!

Alexander Dane: [wearily] Are we there yet?

Computer: Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage. Aft vector guards, 96% damage. Structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40...

Jason Nesmith: What about the engines?

Computer: Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage.

Gwen DeMarco: Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power?

Computer: The beryllium sphere has fractured under stress.

Gwen DeMarco: It's fractured.

Jason Nesmith: Can it be repaired?

Gwen DeMarco: Computer, can it be repaired?

Computer: Damage to beryllium sphere: Irreparable. New source of beryllium must be secured.

Gwen DeMarco: We need another one.

Alexander Dane: [to Jason] You broke the ship. You broke the bloody ship!

Jason Nesmith: [clears throat] Eh, uh-- Computer, is there, uh, a replacement Beryllium sphere on board?

Gwen DeMarco: Computer, is there a replacement Beryllium sphere on board?

Computer: Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists on board.

Gwen DeMarco: [to crew] No, we have no extra Beryllium sphere on board.

Tommy Webber: You know, that is really getting annoying!

Gwen DeMarco: Look! I have one job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm gonna do it! Okay?

Tommy Webber: Sure, no problem.

Guy Fleegman: [manning the sensor station; Sarris has sent missiles at the ''Protector''] Hey, guys, th–there's a red-uh thingy, movin toward the green thingy.

Jason Nesmith: What?

Guy Fleegman: [repeating] Red thingy, movin toward the green thingy. I think we're the green thingy.

Sarris: A little present for you, Commander.

Jason Nesmith: [Keeping Dane from running away] Come on, old friend!

Alexander Dane: Old friend?! You stole all my best lines, you cut me out of episode two entirely!

Walt Scheel: Well, if it isn't old Scrooge himself.

Luther Krank: How do you think this photographer got this shot?

Walt Scheel: What photographer?

Luther Krank: The one who took this photograph.

Walt Scheel: Oh, that one.

Luther Krank: Yeah, that one.

Walt Scheel: Well, he climbed up.

Luther Krank: On your roof?

Walt Scheel: Yeah.

Luther Krank: Well, why did you do that?

Walt Scheel: I don't know. He said he wanted to get a shot of the whole street.

Luther Krank: At least you're consistent.

Walt Scheel: I try to be, old man.

Luther Krank: Stop that!

Walt Scheel: Stop what?

Luther Krank: Stop calling me old man! You're like 10 years older than me!

Walt Scheel: Am I?

Luther Krank: Yeah!

Walt Scheel: Well, prove it!

Walt Scheel: Does this mean we have start being nice to each other?

Luther Krank: Of course not.

Walt Scheel: Good, cause I still don't like you that much.

Luther Krank: Well, that's great. I'm not fond of you either.

Luther Krank: [dressed in black to hide his tan] I look like a Mafia Lieutenant.