T.J. MillerQuotes

Clay Vanstone: Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas.

Clay Vanstone: [[Vin Diesel] ] ain't got shit on me!

Clay Vanstone: I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.

Ned: [looking for his dog [[Willie Nelson; [Willie Nelson] Hey, man, have you seen ]?

Billy: Oh, Yeah, definitely.

Ned: When?

Billy: [realizing what was actually asked] Oh, you mean recently? I just meant, in general, I have seen him!

Ned: [working with Billy in their new recycled candle shop] Anyway, what I was saying though, is that people recycle cans, they recycle papers, you know... why not, why not candles? I say, we put a bin out, let people bring their old drippings in their convenience.

Billy: It's like those, those bags, that say - I used to be a plastic bottle. We can have a bin that say - I used to be another candle!

Ned: That's a great idea. Yeah. And then when they bring those candles, we put them in another bin that say - I used to be another candle.

Billy: Yeah... and eventually we can just have one that say - "Trust me, I used to be a lot of candles!

Ned: [agreeing, amused by the idea] I was a ton... I used to be a lot of candles!

Billy: [still revising his literary contribution] Trust me, man... I have been other candles!

Billy: Nothing like two dudes and a dog making candles.

Ned: Such a cliché.

TSA agent: Next in line! You two traveling together? Okay. You mind coming in back for a quick exam? Just come this way, please. Thank you.

Aldous: [''Produces a red wrappered ball from his mouth and drops it into hand''] I need you to put this into your bottom hole.

Aaron: What?

Aldous: Put this into your rectum.

Aaron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck, man? What are you doing? We're in the middle of the airport!

Aldous: It's a necessary part of your job, Aaron. Don't be complicated.

Aaron: I won't do it. I won't do it. No.

Aldous: Put it in! Relax your anus. Stop! Just stop! Aaron! If you don't do it, I ain't gonna do the concert. I'll just get on a plane and go back to London. The only logical thing to do in this situation is to put this deep in your asshole.

TSA agent: Please keep the line moving, sir.

Aaron: [''Holds up phone''] My phone is ringing.

Aldous: Your phone is not ringing.

Aaron: It's Sergio.

Aldous: It's not Sergio. There's no one there! Aaron, stop pretending to talk to Sergio! Right, mate. Hello!

Sergio: [''Answers while at the fridge of his house kitchen and immediately shouts to sons jumping on couch in family room''; ''To Aaron''] Hey! The couch is not for jumping! Aaron, my superstar. Great news. The concert sold out in 10 fucking minutes.

Aaron: Hey, so I'm having a possible health issue with the talent.

Sergio: [[w:Drug overdose|His eyes ain't rolling to the back of his head; ''To wife''; [w:Babybel|Babybels; [w:Chocolate pudding|chocolate pudding] What kind of health issue? ], are they? No. Babe! I don't see no string cheese! All I see is ] and ]!

Sergio's wife: Baby, look in the dairy drawer! Next to the Go-Gurts.

Sergio: [[w:Go-Gurt|Go-Gurts] I don't see no ]! You need to put these shits where I can see them.

Aaron: He wants me to put drugs up my ass. And I don't know what to do.

Sergio: Then you put the drugs up your ass.

Aaron: Please don't make me do that.

Sergio: This is the opportunity that you've been waiting for. You are now in the power position. You hold all the power in your ass.

Aaron: Isn't that enabling him?

Sergio: [''Hangs up and walks over to sons in family room''; [w:The Biggest Loser|It's Biggest Loser time] Yes, that's what we do. It's only a little bit of heroin in your ass. Nobody's gonna die. You know what you signed up for. ], it's Biggest Loser time, it's Daddy's favorite show It's Daddy's favorite show.

Aaron: Just give it.

Aldous: Aaron! Come on, mate, we ain't got all day. It's not recreational! It's not meant to be a hobby! Just get it up! Close the door behind you! Hurry up!

Aaron: Why did you do this to me?

Aldous: Out of love.

Aaron: Are you sure you should be doing this stuff?

Aldous: Have you got an anti-drug message that you're gonna convey now?

Aaron: I just feel like it couldn't hurt to not be on heroin.

Aldous: Couldn't it? You know, I used to be sober. When I was sober, I was worried about, "Is this the twilight of my career? Is the mother of my child a cruel, evil, brilliant, savant, idiot genius?" You know, "Am I bringing up my kid the right way?" Now, I'm just worried about drugs.

Aaron: IYour life's to-do list must be a baffling document.

Aldous: You're worried about so many things, Aaron. You're worried about will we get to the show? Will I perform well? Will you get the credit that you deserve? Mine has on it but one word. Do you know what that word is?

Aaron: Oh, no. I have to sneeze.

Aldous: What?

Aaron: I have to sneeze. But I'm terrified that my bowels will evacuate if I do.

Aldous: If you sneeze, it is very important that you clench at the same time. Aaron.

Aaron: I'm gonna sneeze. I'm gonna clench and sneeze.

Aldous: Listen to me.

Aaron: Dude, I'm gonna clench and sneeze.

Aldous: Don't close your eyes. It's impossible to sneeze if your eyes are open. Open your eyes. You're being selfish.

Aaron: I'm gonna clench and sneeze.

Aldous: Is it still in?

Aaron: I think I broke a rib.

Aaron: Hello, to you.

Check-in agent: Hi.

Aldous: I'm just checking if flight 51 is on time.

Check-in agent: Let's see.

Aldous: Hello, gorgeous. That flight to Vegas left yet?

Check-in agent: Not yet.

Aldous: Well, stick us on that then, please.

Check-in agent: Two first-class tickets?

Aaron: No.

Aldous: Yeah. Yeah, switch us onto the Vegas flight, me and him.

Check-in agent: All right.

Aaron: No.

Aldous: I want to visit my dad.

Aaron: It was your idea. That's not what I meant. I meant after the show to see your dad.

Aldous: You didn't specify. He didn't specify.

Aaron: Yeah, well, I... You know, I did that special favor for you earlier. So, maybe you could return that favor and we could just go to LA.

Aldous: What favor?

Aaron: You know. The favor that I did earlier.

Aldous: My mind's a blank. Oh! He means the heroin.

Aaron: Nope.

Aldous: His bum's all full of heroin. He doesn't mean that.

Aaron: No, no, no.

Aldous: [[w:Mule (smuggling)|Mule] I'm a terrible drug addict. ]!

Aaron: No.

Aldous: He's a mule!

Aaron: No.

Aldous: You're the devil.

Check-in agent: Perfect.

Aldous: All right, I want my package now.

Aaron: I'm not gonna give you the drugs until we're in Los Angeles, post-show.

Aldous: Just to clarify, are you saying you're withholding my narcotics?

Aaron: You made a huge tactical error and now I'm in control.

Aldous: Okay.

Aldous: Are you ticklish?

Aaron: Okay, stop. Okay, stop.

Aldous: Give me the package.

Aaron: Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously.

Aldous: I'll smoke you out.

Aaron: Seriously, seriously stop! What are you doing? Stop! No! No! Let go! You're crazy! No! No! No!

Aldous: Open up.

Aaron: No!

Aldous: Good girl. Wasn't painful, was it?

Aaron: No.

Aldous: [''Aaron grabs the package ball, rips it open and stomps the contents around on floor''] In future, if you find yourself in a situation... What are you doing? Get the fuck... You little wanker. I just need you to go and score for me, Aaron.

Aaron: We're in Vegas. I don't know peeps out here, you know?

Aldous: It's not a fucking game, Aaron! Don't put yourself between me and my problem or I'll fucking destroy you! Go on now! Why are you still here?! Why are you still here?!

Aaron: Just calm... Just calm down.

Aldous: It's not a joke! It's not funny! Spilling my narcotics, fucking me around! I need you to sort me out! You spilled my medicine! You need to remedy it! This is calm. Twenty minutes ago, I was even more calm when I had my fingers in your asshole. You don't want to wait around for another half-hour, son, cause I'll be fucking you up.

Aaron: I'll figure it out.

Aldous: Yeah, you will. Yeah.

Brian: Hi. Can I help you?

Aaron: Yes. I am trying to look up a friend of mine who's staying at the hotel. I don't know what room he's in.

Brian: Okay. What's the last name?

Aaron: It's spelled H...

Brian: Okay.

Aaron: ...E- R-O-l-N.

Aaron: Can you find that guest for me? Can you find that guest for me?

Brian: Okay, I see what you're doing. I don't think it's funny, to be honest with you. I mean, you come here, you ask me for, if somebody named Heroin has checked in the fucking hotel, cause you wanna buy drugs and that's how you do it? You pretend that it's the last name of a fucking guest? Are you out of your mind?

Aaron: I don't know. I just, just, just... I just... I'm looking for my friend Heroin. Do you know him?

Brian: Yeah, I do. He'll be out back of the Spice Market Buffet in 20 minutes.

Aaron: [[2 Fast 2 Furious] I feel like I'm in ].

Roommate: [''Holds up knife''] Yo, Brian, give me my money or I'm gonna stab you in the fucking stomach, all right?

Brian: Get out of my room, dude. What are you gonna do?

Aaron: What... I'm not, like, involved in this.

Brian: Oh, my God!

Aaron: Where is the hospital?!

Brian: You take a right on North Casino Way!

Aaron: Every street's called Casino Way!

Brian: God, why didn't he take me all the way to the door?

Jackie: [[w:Human anus|my dirty posie] One, two, three, four. It's just like coming in the back door. Five, six, seven, eight. Feels great. A ring, a ring around ]. My rear pocket is so fit and so damn cozy. Ring, ring, ring around my posie. All the boys in town say I've the tautest of posies.

Aaron: Aldous. I couldn't get what you wanted me to get. Sorry.

Aldous: Yeah, I forgot I asked you to do that. No, that's all sorted. Turns out, it's quite easy to get drugs in Las Vegas. Why do you look so flustered? All right, just change and we'll get going, shall we? Looking forward to seeing me dad.

Aaron: Thanks again for the suggestion.

Aldous: Great.

Jackie: By posie, I'm talking about my asshole. Jackie Q!

Hud: Ocean is big, dude. All I'm saying is a couple of years ago, they found a fish in Madagascar that they thought been extinct for centuries

Rob: So what? Its been down here all this time and nobody noticed?

Hud: Sure. Maybe it erupted from an ocean trench, you know? Or a crevasse. Crevice. It's just a theory. I mean, for all we know, it's from another planet and it flew here.

Marlena: [[Superman] Like ]?

Hud: [[Superman] Yeah, exactly like... Wait. You know who ] is?

Marlena: [[Superman] Oh, my God. You know who ] is?

Hud: Okay, I'm not...

Marlena: [sarastically; [Garfield] I'm, like, feeling something. Are you aware of ]?

Beth: [sees monster stomping down the street towards them as they cross a rooftop] What is that?!

Hud: It's a terrible thing.

Beth: What the hell was that?

Hud: I don't know! Something else, also terrible!

Hud: [running up a staircase] How could they not know anything about it? Unless—maybe they're like, in on it, you know? Like maybe the government created it or something.

Rob: Do we have to talk about this now, Hud?

Hud: Well, I need to talk about something, because if I don't I'm going to actually shit my pants in this stairwell.

Hud: Please tell me she lives on the ground floor.

Rob: 39th.

Hud: Shit.

Lily: How are we going to get up there?

Rob: I don't know; we'll just go inside and see how high up we can get.

Lily: I don't know if I can do that.

Hud: Well, maybe we can try going up the other building and see if there is a place to cross over on the roof, and then we can find some way down to her place.

Hud: Wait! No, never mind! No, that's a bad idea! Hey! That's a bad idea, I take that back!

Lily: Robert Hawkins, I can't believe you're leaving me to look after your brother by myself!

Jason: Oh! Easy, easy. I mean I'm obviously standing right here.

Lily: And I know I'm not officially family... yet...

Jason: Not fair.

Hud: [to Lily] Dude... I'll cut him out later.

Lily: But I think of you as my brother, and I hope you think of me as your sister.

Lily: Rob and Beth slept together.

Hud: Are you serious?

Lily: Yeah, a few weeks ago. Beth made me promise not to say anything. She also slept with Dean from Supernatural!

Jason: Are you kidding me Lily? Rob and Beth sleeping together and your not even going to tell me that?

Hud: Why would't you tell me?

Lily: [long pause] Why wouldn't I tell you?

Hud: Do you guys remember a couple of years ago when that guy was lighting homeless people on fire in the subways?

Rob: Jesus, Hud! Maybe not the best time for this conversation down here.

Hud: Right.

Hud: ...I just can't stop thinking how scary it'd be if a flaming homeless guy came running—

All: HUD!

Hud: I'm just saying. Sorry.

Hud: Okay, just to be clear here, our options are: die here, die in the tunnels, or die in the streets. That pretty much it?

Rob: Yeah... that's pretty much it.

Rob: Still filming?

Hud: Yeah, people are gonna want to know... how it all went down.

Rob: Well, you can just tell them how it all went down, Hud.

Hud: No, that wouldn't work. People need to see this, you know? It's gonna be important. People are going to watch this.

Party Guest: How're you going to survive without Rob, he's like your "main dude".

Hud: [turns to Rob] I don't know. Hey, how am I going to survive without you?

Rob: I don't know, I'm like your "main dude".

Hud: Straight up!

Hud: (with Marlena and Lily, trying to get Rob to stop) One of us is gonna have to tackle you and that's gonna be very uncomfortable for everyone involved!

Hud: No one ever listens to me, now they are- we're all gonna die....

Hud: [pointing the camera at himself as he prepares to cross a treacherous rooftop] If this is the last thing you see, that means I died.

Hud: [repeated line] I'm documenting.

Hud: [[w:Midtown Manhattan|Midtown] Beth lives in ]. All right? Midtown is that way. Guess what else is that way! Some horrific shit is in Midtown!

Hud: Rob, it is time to leave the electronics store.

Hud: Maybe you should have left town a bit earlier, man.

Lucas Flannery: [last words] My foot stuck wait Kate! Wait! Wait!

Lucas Flannery: No f-ing way!

Lucas Flannery: They said they were gonna bring a check! I didn’t know they were gonna send a death squad!

Lucas Flannery: Tess, I’m basically your uncle. Su casa es mi casa. And we’re going to lose the casa.

Kirk: She is coming to lunch with my parents on Sunday.

Stainer: That takes care of that, 20 minutes with your family and she will file a restraining order. We're safe.

Devon: Hey did she say anything about Wendy? You know... like about me?

Stainer: Okay now I know you've gone crazy. You are telling me the hottest chick I've ever met in my life wants you, and the Hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself... FUCK YOU.

Devon: It is a pretty impressive catch, Kirkey.

Stainer: [shocked silence] Yeah, the day that happens is the day Jack sleeps with your wife. What? Did that already happen?

Devon: We weren't technically dating yet.

Stainer: My bad.

Kirk: Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?

Devon: Cause I thought you had.

Kirk: No. We're just in a sticky wicket.

Stainer: A "sticky wicket"?

Kirk: Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.

Stainer: And how many times have you called her?

Kirk: Five.

Stainer: And how many times have you really called her?

Kirk: Seventeen.

Stainer: It's done. Tao of Love.

Kirk: What?

Stainer: That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.

Kirk: No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.

Stainer: Tina Jordan does.

Kirk: Who the hell is Tina Jordan?

Stainer: She was my Molly.

Kirk: You never mentioned her.

Stainer: I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.

Kirk: That's what that was? You said you had mono.

Stainer: Yeah. Mono of the heart.

Jack: Oh, my God, how's your vagina?

Stainer: Shut up, Jack!

Stainer: [Marnie appears] Let's face it, Marnie's kinda a skank. Oh, hey Marnie. We were just talking about Marnie the name, and how it's unfortunate it's not more common.

Marnie: Fuck you Stainer.

Stainer: But, you didn't let me finish. More common for skanks.

Stainer: Foler, you have a choice, you can step aside, or you can fight me. If that's how you wanna go, I warn you, I will go Dark Side. I will rip out your hair, I'll bite your chin off, and I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors. Because I am an insane motherfucker! You know that from the breakroom! What's it gonna be?

Jack: Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.

Stainer: OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.

Jack: Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.

Kirk: Anything is possible"?

Devon: Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.

Stainer: Such as?

Devon: [[w:Lyle Lovett|Lyle Lovett; [Julia Roberts] ] and ].

Jack: [[Denise Richards] Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to ].

Stainer: All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.

Jack: [[King Kong (2005 film)|King Kong; [Naomi Watts] OK, OK, OK. ] and ].

Stainer: They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.

Jack: Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.

Stainer: He's the master of space and time! He knows about black holes and shit.

Devon: [[Mick Jagger] What about the President of France and that girl that went out with ]?

Stainer: He knows about wine. And he has a French accent. He could probably French kiss like a motherfucker.

Devon: Wait a second... The Beast.

Stainer: Who?

Devon: [[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast] The Beast from ]. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.

Stainer: OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.

Devon: You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets cause I've only been with one girl. It's cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in front of her and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.

Stainer: Power of love.

Jack: Very... perfect.

Kirk: Beautiful.

Devon: Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.

Stainer: I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.

Devon: Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.

Stainer: A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.

Jack: Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point because he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.

Stainer: But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.

Kirk: Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?

Stainer: Oh, I don't know. Except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.

Jack: Five.

Stainer: Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.

Kirk: Where do you get this shit?

Stainer: Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.

Jack: [chuckles] Oh, not even you, huh?

Stainer: I'm a six, okay?

Jack: Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?

Stainer: You're an eight.

Jack: Okay, you're a six then.

Stainer: But I get a one point bump because I'm in a band.

Kirk: Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oates cover band. I'm pretty sure that's a deducation.

Stainer: Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back at seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.

Kirk: What about your crappy car?

Stainer: Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car.

Jack: Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?

Stainer: Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack! Look it up in the dictionary. It's there. It's right next to "fuck you"!

Devon: I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.

Jack: [[Hannah Montana] My God. What are you, ]? Because nothing you are saying right now is of any help to Kirk.

Kirk: [pulls out earring box; to his friends] Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, because the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you. What do you think?

Stainer: Aww, man. It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.

Devon: [opens box] I think it's really pretty. How's it work? Oh...

Jack: What the hell is that?

Kirk: I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.

Stainer: No, no. I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calender as a day of rejoicement. I'm going to celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, we smash it. Okay? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.

Kirk: I thank you, but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.

Jack: When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?

Kirk: I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.

Jack: Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?

Kirk: What?

Jack: You're a moodle.

Kirk: A moodle?

Jack: A man poodle. Girls, they want to take you out on a walk. They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.

Stainer: No one would ever fuck a moodle.

Jack: No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you want to get Marnie back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.

Devon: Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?

Stainer: [holding earring box] Why don't you just put your fucking balls in here?

Kirk: Patty's not a bitch, she's uh... different.

Stainer: Yeah, different in that she's a bitch and other people aren't.

Patty: You look just like someone I went to high school with.

Stainer: Oh yeah? What high school? Maybe it was me.

Patty: No, he's in a coma.

Stainer: Huh. Who brought the good news bear? Somebody give her some fucking honey.

Vanessa: Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

Blind Al: Listen to the pain. It's both a history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. But we can't really live til we've died a little, can we?

Weasel: There you go, little fella. Go on, you're doing it! My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy.

Juggernaut: Let's Fuck Some Shit Up" is my legal middle name.