T.J. Miller Quotes - Best Lines & Interviews

Memorable Quotes from T.J. Miller

39 quotes

Cloverfield

Personal Documentation in Crisis

Hud I'm documenting.

[repeated line]

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Our Idiot Brother

Casual Conversation About Someone's Recent Sightings

Ned Hey, man, have you seen ]?

[looking for his dog [[Willie Nelson; [Willie Nelson]

Billy Oh, Yeah, definitely.

Ned When?

Billy Oh, you mean recently? I just meant, in general, I have seen him!

[realizing what was actually asked]

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She's Out of My League

Differing Perspectives on Personality Traits

Kirk Patty's not a bitch, she's uh... different.

Stainer Yeah, different in that she's a bitch and other people aren't.

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She's Out of My League

Lunch Plans and Family Concerns

Kirk She is coming to lunch with my parents on Sunday.

Stainer That takes care of that, 20 minutes with your family and she will file a restraining order. We're safe.

Devon Hey did she say anything about Wendy? You know... like about me?

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She's Out of My League

A Conversation About Time and Relationships

Kirk Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, because the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you. What do you think?

[pulls out earring box; to his friends]

Stainer Aww, man. It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.

Devon I think it's really pretty. How's it work? Oh...

[opens box]

Jack What the hell is that?

Kirk I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.

Stainer No, no. I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calender as a day of rejoicement. I'm going to celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, we smash it. Okay? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.

Kirk I thank you, but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.

Jack When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?

Kirk I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.

Jack Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?

Kirk What?

Jack You're a moodle.

Kirk A moodle?

Jack A man poodle. Girls, they want to take you out on a walk. They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.

Stainer No one would ever fuck a moodle.

Jack No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you want to get Marnie back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.

Devon Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?

Stainer Why don't you just put your fucking balls in here?

[holding earring box]

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Cloverfield

A Warning About Timing and Decisions

Hud Maybe you should have left town a bit earlier, man.

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Cloverfield

Urgent Call to Leave the Store

Hud Rob, it is time to leave the electronics store.

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Cloverfield

Uncomfortable Choices in Crisis Situations

Hud (with Marlena and Lily, trying to get Rob to stop) One of us is gonna have to tackle you and that's gonna be very uncomfortable for everyone involved!

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She's Out of My League

Unexpected Relationships and Humorous Doubts

Stainer Okay now I know you've gone crazy. You are telling me the hottest chick I've ever met in my life wants you, and the Hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself... FUCK YOU.

Devon It is a pretty impressive catch, Kirkey.

Stainer Yeah, the day that happens is the day Jack sleeps with your wife. What? Did that already happen?

[shocked silence]

Devon We weren't technically dating yet.

Stainer My bad.

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She's Out of My League

Unexpected High School Reunion Humor

Patty You look just like someone I went to high school with.

Stainer Oh yeah? What high school? Maybe it was me.

Patty No, he's in a coma.

Stainer Huh. Who brought the good news bear? Somebody give her some fucking honey.

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Cloverfield

Family Dynamics in Uncertain Times

Lily Robert Hawkins, I can't believe you're leaving me to look after your brother by myself!

Jason Oh! Easy, easy. I mean I'm obviously standing right here.

Lily And I know I'm not officially family... yet...

Jason Not fair.

Hud Dude... I'll cut him out later.

[to Lily]

Lily But I think of you as my brother, and I hope you think of me as your sister.

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Cloverfield

Struggling to Reach the 39th Floor

Hud Please tell me she lives on the ground floor.

Rob 39th.

Hud Shit.

Lily How are we going to get up there?

Rob I don't know; we'll just go inside and see how high up we can get.

Lily I don't know if I can do that.

Hud Well, maybe we can try going up the other building and see if there is a place to cross over on the roof, and then we can find some way down to her place.

Hud Wait! No, never mind! No, that's a bad idea! Hey! That's a bad idea, I take that back!

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Our Idiot Brother

Recycling Ideas for Used Candles

Ned Anyway, what I was saying though, is that people recycle cans, they recycle papers, you know... why not, why not candles? I say, we put a bin out, let people bring their old drippings in their convenience.

[working with Billy in their new recycled candle shop]

Billy It's like those, those bags, that say - I used to be a plastic bottle. We can have a bin that say - I used to be another candle!

Ned That's a great idea. Yeah. And then when they bring those candles, we put them in another bin that say - I used to be another candle.

Billy Yeah... and eventually we can just have one that say - "Trust me, I used to be a lot of candles!

Ned I was a ton... I used to be a lot of candles!

[agreeing, amused by the idea]

Billy Trust me, man... I have been other candles!

[still revising his literary contribution]

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Office Christmas Party

Confidence in the Face of Adversity

Clay Vanstone ] ain't got shit on me!

[[Vin Diesel]

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She's Out of My League

Misunderstandings About Relationships and Breakups

Kirk Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?

Devon Cause I thought you had.

Kirk No. We're just in a sticky wicket.

Stainer A "sticky wicket"?

Kirk Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.

Stainer And how many times have you called her?

Kirk Five.

Stainer And how many times have you really called her?

Kirk Seventeen.

Stainer It's done. Tao of Love.

Kirk What?

Stainer That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.

Kirk No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.

Stainer Tina Jordan does.

Kirk Who the hell is Tina Jordan?

Stainer She was my Molly.

Kirk You never mentioned her.

Stainer I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.

Kirk That's what that was? You said you had mono.

Stainer Yeah. Mono of the heart.

Jack Oh, my God, how's your vagina?

Stainer Shut up, Jack!

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Cloverfield

Government Conspiracy Theories During Chaos

Hud How could they not know anything about it? Unless—maybe they're like, in on it, you know? Like maybe the government created it or something.

[running up a staircase]

Rob Do we have to talk about this now, Hud?

Hud Well, I need to talk about something, because if I don't I'm going to actually shit my pants in this stairwell.

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Cloverfield

Limited Choices in a Dire Situation

Hud Okay, just to be clear here, our options are: die here, die in the tunnels, or die in the streets. That pretty much it?

Rob Yeah... that's pretty much it.

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Transformers: Age of Extinction

Unexpected Consequences of a Promised Payment

Lucas Flannery They said they were gonna bring a check! I didn’t know they were gonna send a death squad!

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Cloverfield

The Mysteries of the Ocean Explored

Hud Ocean is big, dude. All I'm saying is a couple of years ago, they found a fish in Madagascar that they thought been extinct for centuries

Rob So what? Its been down here all this time and nobody noticed?

Hud Sure. Maybe it erupted from an ocean trench, you know? Or a crevasse. Crevice. It's just a theory. I mean, for all we know, it's from another planet and it flew here.

Marlena Like ]?

[[Superman]

Hud Yeah, exactly like... Wait. You know who ] is?

[[Superman]

Marlena Oh, my God. You know who ] is?

[[Superman]

Hud Okay, I'm not...

Marlena I'm, like, feeling something. Are you aware of ]?

[sarastically; [Garfield]

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Cloverfield

Facing Mortality in a Crisis Situation

Hud If this is the last thing you see, that means I died.

[pointing the camera at himself as he prepares to cross a treacherous rooftop]

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Cloverfield

The Importance of Visual Evidence in Crisis

Rob Still filming?

Hud Yeah, people are gonna want to know... how it all went down.

Rob Well, you can just tell them how it all went down, Hud.

Hud No, that wouldn't work. People need to see this, you know? It's gonna be important. People are going to watch this.

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She's Out of My League

Discussion on Names and Perceptions

Stainer Let's face it, Marnie's kinda a skank. Oh, hey Marnie. We were just talking about Marnie the name, and how it's unfortunate it's not more common.

[Marnie appears]

Marnie Fuck you Stainer.

Stainer But, you didn't let me finish. More common for skanks.

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Cloverfield

Midtown's Horrific Threats Revealed by Hud

Hud Beth lives in ]. All right? Midtown is that way. Guess what else is that way! Some horrific shit is in Midtown!

[[w:Midtown Manhattan|Midtown]

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She's Out of My League

Belief in Possibility and Relationships

Jack Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.

Stainer OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.

Jack Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.

Kirk Anything is possible"?

Devon Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.

Stainer Such as?

Devon ] and ].

[[w:Lyle Lovett|Lyle Lovett; [Julia Roberts]

Jack Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to ].

[[Denise Richards]

Stainer All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.

Jack OK, OK, OK. ] and ].

[[King Kong (2005 film)|King Kong; [Naomi Watts]

Stainer They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.

Jack Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.

Stainer He's the master of space and time! He knows about black holes and shit.

Devon What about the President of France and that girl that went out with ]?

[[Mick Jagger]

Stainer He knows about wine. And he has a French accent. He could probably French kiss like a motherfucker.

Devon Wait a second... The Beast.

Stainer Who?

Devon The Beast from ]. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.

[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]

Stainer OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.

Devon You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets cause I've only been with one girl. It's cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in front of her and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.

Stainer Power of love.

Jack Very... perfect.

Kirk Beautiful.

Devon Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.

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Get Him to the Greek

Unexpected Travel Instructions at Security Checkpoint

TSA agent Next in line! You two traveling together? Okay. You mind coming in back for a quick exam? Just come this way, please. Thank you.

Aldous I need you to put this into your bottom hole.

[''Produces a red wrappered ball from his mouth and drops it into hand'']

Aaron What?

Aldous Put this into your rectum.

Aaron Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck, man? What are you doing? We're in the middle of the airport!

Aldous It's a necessary part of your job, Aaron. Don't be complicated.

Aaron I won't do it. I won't do it. No.

Aldous Put it in! Relax your anus. Stop! Just stop! Aaron! If you don't do it, I ain't gonna do the concert. I'll just get on a plane and go back to London. The only logical thing to do in this situation is to put this deep in your asshole.

TSA agent Please keep the line moving, sir.

Aaron My phone is ringing.

[''Holds up phone'']

Aldous Your phone is not ringing.

Aaron It's Sergio.

Aldous It's not Sergio. There's no one there! Aaron, stop pretending to talk to Sergio! Right, mate. Hello!

Sergio Hey! The couch is not for jumping! Aaron, my superstar. Great news. The concert sold out in 10 fucking minutes.

[''Answers while at the fridge of his house kitchen and immediately shouts to sons jumping on couch in family room''; ''To Aaron'']

Aaron Hey, so I'm having a possible health issue with the talent.

Sergio What kind of health issue? ], are they? No. Babe! I don't see no string cheese! All I see is ] and ]!

[[w:Drug overdose|His eyes ain't rolling to the back of his head; ''To wife''; [w:Babybel|Babybels; [w:Chocolate pudding|chocolate pudding]

Sergio's wife Baby, look in the dairy drawer! Next to the Go-Gurts.

Sergio I don't see no ]! You need to put these shits where I can see them.

[[w:Go-Gurt|Go-Gurts]

Aaron He wants me to put drugs up my ass. And I don't know what to do.

Sergio Then you put the drugs up your ass.

Aaron Please don't make me do that.

Sergio This is the opportunity that you've been waiting for. You are now in the power position. You hold all the power in your ass.

Aaron Isn't that enabling him?

Sergio Yes, that's what we do. It's only a little bit of heroin in your ass. Nobody's gonna die. You know what you signed up for. ], it's Biggest Loser time, it's Daddy's favorite show It's Daddy's favorite show.

[''Hangs up and walks over to sons in family room''; [w:The Biggest Loser|It's Biggest Loser time]

Aaron Just give it.

Aldous Aaron! Come on, mate, we ain't got all day. It's not recreational! It's not meant to be a hobby! Just get it up! Close the door behind you! Hurry up!

Aaron Why did you do this to me?

Aldous Out of love.

Aaron Are you sure you should be doing this stuff?

Aldous Have you got an anti-drug message that you're gonna convey now?

Aaron I just feel like it couldn't hurt to not be on heroin.

Aldous Couldn't it? You know, I used to be sober. When I was sober, I was worried about, "Is this the twilight of my career? Is the mother of my child a cruel, evil, brilliant, savant, idiot genius?" You know, "Am I bringing up my kid the right way?" Now, I'm just worried about drugs.

Aaron IYour life's to-do list must be a baffling document.

Aldous You're worried about so many things, Aaron. You're worried about will we get to the show? Will I perform well? Will you get the credit that you deserve? Mine has on it but one word. Do you know what that word is?

Aaron Oh, no. I have to sneeze.

Aldous What?

Aaron I have to sneeze. But I'm terrified that my bowels will evacuate if I do.

Aldous If you sneeze, it is very important that you clench at the same time. Aaron.

Aaron I'm gonna sneeze. I'm gonna clench and sneeze.

Aldous Listen to me.

Aaron Dude, I'm gonna clench and sneeze.

Aldous Don't close your eyes. It's impossible to sneeze if your eyes are open. Open your eyes. You're being selfish.

Aaron I'm gonna clench and sneeze.

Aldous Is it still in?

Aaron I think I broke a rib.

Aaron Hello, to you.

Check-in agent Hi.

Aldous I'm just checking if flight 51 is on time.

Check-in agent Let's see.

Aldous Hello, gorgeous. That flight to Vegas left yet?

Check-in agent Not yet.

Aldous Well, stick us on that then, please.

Check-in agent Two first-class tickets?

Aaron No.

Aldous Yeah. Yeah, switch us onto the Vegas flight, me and him.

Check-in agent All right.

Aaron No.

Aldous I want to visit my dad.

Aaron It was your idea. That's not what I meant. I meant after the show to see your dad.

Aldous You didn't specify. He didn't specify.

Aaron Yeah, well, I... You know, I did that special favor for you earlier. So, maybe you could return that favor and we could just go to LA.

Aldous What favor?

Aaron You know. The favor that I did earlier.

Aldous My mind's a blank. Oh! He means the heroin.

Aaron Nope.

Aldous His bum's all full of heroin. He doesn't mean that.

Aaron No, no, no.

Aldous I'm a terrible drug addict. ]!

[[w:Mule (smuggling)|Mule]

Aaron No.

Aldous He's a mule!

Aaron No.

Aldous You're the devil.

Check-in agent Perfect.

Aldous All right, I want my package now.

Aaron I'm not gonna give you the drugs until we're in Los Angeles, post-show.

Aldous Just to clarify, are you saying you're withholding my narcotics?

Aaron You made a huge tactical error and now I'm in control.

Aldous Okay.

Aldous Are you ticklish?

Aaron Okay, stop. Okay, stop.

Aldous Give me the package.

Aaron Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously.

Aldous I'll smoke you out.

Aaron Seriously, seriously stop! What are you doing? Stop! No! No! Let go! You're crazy! No! No! No!

Aldous Open up.

Aaron No!

Aldous Good girl. Wasn't painful, was it?

Aaron No.

Aldous In future, if you find yourself in a situation... What are you doing? Get the fuck... You little wanker. I just need you to go and score for me, Aaron.

[''Aaron grabs the package ball, rips it open and stomps the contents around on floor'']

Aaron We're in Vegas. I don't know peeps out here, you know?

Aldous It's not a fucking game, Aaron! Don't put yourself between me and my problem or I'll fucking destroy you! Go on now! Why are you still here?! Why are you still here?!

Aaron Just calm... Just calm down.

Aldous It's not a joke! It's not funny! Spilling my narcotics, fucking me around! I need you to sort me out! You spilled my medicine! You need to remedy it! This is calm. Twenty minutes ago, I was even more calm when I had my fingers in your asshole. You don't want to wait around for another half-hour, son, cause I'll be fucking you up.

Aaron I'll figure it out.

Aldous Yeah, you will. Yeah.

Brian Hi. Can I help you?

Aaron Yes. I am trying to look up a friend of mine who's staying at the hotel. I don't know what room he's in.

Brian Okay. What's the last name?

Aaron It's spelled H...

Brian Okay.

Aaron ...E- R-O-l-N.

Aaron Can you find that guest for me? Can you find that guest for me?

Brian Okay, I see what you're doing. I don't think it's funny, to be honest with you. I mean, you come here, you ask me for, if somebody named Heroin has checked in the fucking hotel, cause you wanna buy drugs and that's how you do it? You pretend that it's the last name of a fucking guest? Are you out of your mind?

Aaron I don't know. I just, just, just... I just... I'm looking for my friend Heroin. Do you know him?

Brian Yeah, I do. He'll be out back of the Spice Market Buffet in 20 minutes.

Aaron I feel like I'm in ].

[[2 Fast 2 Furious]

Roommate Yo, Brian, give me my money or I'm gonna stab you in the fucking stomach, all right?

[''Holds up knife'']

Brian Get out of my room, dude. What are you gonna do?

Aaron What... I'm not, like, involved in this.

Brian Oh, my God!

Aaron Where is the hospital?!

Brian You take a right on North Casino Way!

Aaron Every street's called Casino Way!

Brian God, why didn't he take me all the way to the door?

Jackie One, two, three, four. It's just like coming in the back door. Five, six, seven, eight. Feels great. A ring, a ring around ]. My rear pocket is so fit and so damn cozy. Ring, ring, ring around my posie. All the boys in town say I've the tautest of posies.

[[w:Human anus|my dirty posie]

Aaron Aldous. I couldn't get what you wanted me to get. Sorry.

Aldous Yeah, I forgot I asked you to do that. No, that's all sorted. Turns out, it's quite easy to get drugs in Las Vegas. Why do you look so flustered? All right, just change and we'll get going, shall we? Looking forward to seeing me dad.

Aaron Thanks again for the suggestion.

Aldous Great.

Jackie By posie, I'm talking about my asshole. Jackie Q!

Cloverfield

Secrets and Surprises Among Friends

Lily Rob and Beth slept together.

Hud Are you serious?

Lily Yeah, a few weeks ago. Beth made me promise not to say anything. She also slept with Dean from Supernatural!

Jason Are you kidding me Lily? Rob and Beth sleeping together and your not even going to tell me that?

Hud Why would't you tell me?

Lily Why wouldn't I tell you?

[long pause]

Office Christmas Party

Acknowledging Privilege in a Humorous Way

Clay Vanstone Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas.

Cloverfield

Desperation in a Crisis

Hud No one ever listens to me, now they are- we're all gonna die....

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Stuck Foot and Urgent Plea for Help

Lucas Flannery My foot stuck wait Kate! Wait! Wait!

[last words]

Our Idiot Brother

Clichés in Unexpected Situations

Billy Nothing like two dudes and a dog making candles.

Ned Such a cliché.

Deadpool 2

Lessons from Pain and Chaos

Vanessa Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

Blind Al Listen to the pain. It's both a history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. But we can't really live til we've died a little, can we?

Weasel There you go, little fella. Go on, you're doing it! My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy.

Juggernaut Let's Fuck Some Shit Up" is my legal middle name.

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Unexpected Reaction to a Situation

Lucas Flannery No f-ing way!

Office Christmas Party

Understanding Confusion in Communication

Clay Vanstone I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.

She's Out of My League

Confrontation with a Threatening Ultimatum

Stainer Foler, you have a choice, you can step aside, or you can fight me. If that's how you wanna go, I warn you, I will go Dark Side. I will rip out your hair, I'll bite your chin off, and I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors. Because I am an insane motherfucker! You know that from the breakroom! What's it gonna be?

Cloverfield

Unexpected Conversations in Crisis Situations

Hud Do you guys remember a couple of years ago when that guy was lighting homeless people on fire in the subways?

Rob Jesus, Hud! Maybe not the best time for this conversation down here.

Hud Right.

Hud ...I just can't stop thinking how scary it'd be if a flaming homeless guy came running—

All HUD!

Hud I'm just saying. Sorry.

Cloverfield

Dependence on Friends in Crisis

Party Guest How're you going to survive without Rob, he's like your "main dude".

Hud I don't know. Hey, how am I going to survive without you?

[turns to Rob]

Rob I don't know, I'm like your "main dude".

Hud Straight up!

Cloverfield

Uncertainty Amidst Chaos and Fear

Beth What is that?!

[sees monster stomping down the street towards them as they cross a rooftop]

Hud It's a terrible thing.

Beth What the hell was that?

Hud I don't know! Something else, also terrible!

She's Out of My League

Debating Kirk's Attractiveness Among Friends

Stainer I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.

Devon Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.

Stainer A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.

Jack Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point because he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.

Stainer But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.

Kirk Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?

Stainer Oh, I don't know. Except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.

Jack Five.

Stainer Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.

Kirk Where do you get this shit?

Stainer Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.

Jack Oh, not even you, huh?

[chuckles]

Stainer I'm a six, okay?

Jack Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?

Stainer You're an eight.