Yellowbeard - Divine Authority versus Royal Obligation
El Nebuloso: [Examining Yellowbeard's treasure]
Who is it more important to please: the King of Spain, or God?
El Segundo:
Why, God, of course.
El Nebuloso:
And who is God's personal representative in these parts?
El Segundo:
Why, you, your holy ruthlessness.
El Nebuloso:
Well, God wants to keep all of it.
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Nice Dreams - Debating the Attractiveness of Women
Cheech:
Those are the ugliest chicks I ever saw in my life.
Chong:
No kidding, man. But if they're so ugly, how come you were hitting on them?
Cheech:
I wasn't hitting on them, man.
Chong:
Well, that part about asking them if they were models, man.
Cheech:
I was trying to be nice, man.
Chong:
Models for Kal-Can dog food.
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Nice Dreams - Dreams of Wealth and Guitars
Cheech: [[Costa Rica]
We're rich. Hey, let's buy a villa in ]. That'd be great. We could just...
Chong:
I'm gonna get some more guitars.
Cheech:
Yeah?
Chong:
Yeah, I wanna get a Fender. No, I don't like Fenders, man. No, I'll get one anyway.
Cheech:
Let's get one of those big, white houses, man. You know, like, with a veranda, you know. With a porch. We'd be sitting out there sipping pina colonics, man.
Chong:
Pina colonics?
Cheech:
Yeah.
Chong:
What's that?
Cheech:
You know, they make them in a blender, man. You know.
Chong:
Oh, yeah.
Cheech:
Yeah. We'd have topless ladies, man. Maybe we'll make ourselves sun kings. You know, buy a little island. We'll put two little chairs on a little hill, and every day at noon we'll go up there and all the natives will bow down to us and we'll throw them joints, you know. I like to help the little people, man. Like, that's important in life.
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Nice Dreams - Coping with Suspicion in Drug Deals
Chong:
Hey, man, that dude looked kinda straight to be buying dope.
Cheech:
Hey, man, don't worry about it. I checked him out myself, man. He ain't a cop. I can smell cops a mile away, man. They smell like coffee and doughnuts.
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Nice Dreams - Cremation Plans Discussed by Characters
Chong:
You know what I wanna do when I die, man?
Cheech:
What?
Chong:
I'm gonna get cremated, man.
Cheech:
Yeah?
Chong:
Yeah. Then I wanna get my ashes put in a baggie, you know.
Cheech:
Yeah?
Chong:
Then I'm gonna have all my friends - we'll have a party and then everybody will smoke me. Mix it with some good shit, you know.
Cheech:
Remind me not to be one of your friends when you die.
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Nice Dreams - Intelligence and Substance Use in Conversation
Chong:
Hey, listen, there's a lot of smart dudes who do coke, man.
Cheech:
Yeah? Like who?
Chong: [[Sherlock Holmes]
Like, ] does coke. And he isn't so stupid.
Cheech:
Sherlock Holmes?
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Nice Dreams - Investing in a Rest Home for Hippies
Chong:
You know what I think we should invest in, man?
Cheech:
What?
Chong:
A rest home for old hippies.
Cheech:
Yeah?
Chong:
Cause, man, you know, like, hippies have been around since the 60's man.
Cheech:
Yeah.
Chong:
You know, and there really isn't like a hip place for em to go when they get real old, you know.
Cheech:
Yeah.
Chong:
You know, how I see it, you know, it's like a regular rest home except you have all the dope you can smoke, you know, for these old people. They'd listen to all the music they want, you know.
Cheech:
Like we could call it: Laid Back Manor.
Chong:
Yeah! Hey, great. Yeah.
Cheech:
That'd be heavy.
Chong:
Because, you know, I mean, like, what do people do when they get old? You know, they usually keep them stoned, laid-back.
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Nice Dreams - Coping with Repeated Mistakes in Friendship
Cheech:
Man, I can't believe you. Every time you do coke, this shit happens.
Chong:
Hey, wait a minute, man. How come every time I do coke, you say that "every time you do coke" thing?
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Nice Dreams - Unexpected Wealth Revealed in Conversation
Chong:
Hey, how much money do we have now?
Cheech:
All together?
Chong:
Yeah, all together?
Cheech:
Let's see, mmm, uh, oh man! We have $17,000,000!
Chong:
Really?
Cheech:
Oh, wait, well, um, 17, something. Who cares? We're rich, man.
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Still Smokin - Unconventional Claims in a Comedic Exchange
Chong:
You know, I could be your daddy.
Cheech:
You could be my daddy, man?
Chong:
Yeah, I used to fuck buffalo.
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Still Smokin - A Tune Inspired by Life's Struggles
Chong: [as Blind Melon Chitlin]
I wanna sing a little tune I wrote one day while I was beatin my old lady. It's called "GOING DOWNTOWN GONNA SEE MY GAL".
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Still Smokin - Balancing Act of Legs and Shoulders
Chong: [sings; muffled singing continues]
Got one leg on my shoulder. Two legs on my shoulder.
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Cheech & Chong's Next Movie - Complications of Driving an Automatic Car
Chong:
You're driving like an idiot, man.
Cheech:
I just can't get used to these automatics, man.
Chong:
Yeah, they are real complicated, aren't they?
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Cheech & Chong's Next Movie - A Comedic Challenge Among Friends
Pee-wee Herman:
Hey, you guys look a little familiar to me!
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza:
Hey, you smell kinda familiar.
Pee-wee Herman:
Ha, ha, ha. I'm the comedian. I'll tell the jokes, if you don't mind! If you think it's so easy, why don't you come up here and do it?
Gloria's Mom:
Yeah, go up there and tell a joke!
Pee-wee Herman:
That's right! You come up here and do it!
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza:
Okay!
Chong:
Yeah, man!
Pee-wee Herman: [gives Red the finger and storms off]
Fuck this. I'm going somewhere else. Hey, hey, here!
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Cheech & Chong's Next Movie - Misunderstandings Among Friends After Years Apart
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza:
Cheech! Hey, you old pile of horseshit! How are you? Goddamn, you got ugly! How ya doing, man?
Chong:
Good, man.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza:
I haven't seen you in ten years, man!
Chong:
I'm not Cheech, man.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza:
What?
Chong:
I'm Cheech's friend Chong.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza:
Oh, hey, Ching! Good to meet you!
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Cheech & Chong's Next Movie - Learning Spanish with Friends
Cheech:
Want me to teach you some Spanish, man?
Chong:
Okay.
Cheech:
When you see a friend, you say "Hey, how's it going, Pendejo?
Chong:
Hey, how's it going, Pendecko?
Cheech:
...Yeah, that's close enough.
Chong:
What does that mean, man?
Cheech:
Oh, it means my really good friend.
Chong:
How's it going, Pend... Pen..." How was that, again?
Cheech:
Pendejo.
Chong:
Pendecko.
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Cheech & Chong's Next Movie - Caution Amidst Gas Fumes
Chong:
You got a light, man?
Cheech: [hands him a lighter]
Huh? Oh yeah, here. Hey, I don't think you better light it in here, man.
Chong:
Why?
Cheech:
Ah, these gas fumes, man.
Chong: [flicks the lighter]
Oh man.
Cheech: [the inside of the car explodes]
I don't know.
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Cheech & Chong's Next Movie - Creativity in Songwriting: A Unique Perspective
Chong:
I dig it, man. It's good. But you know, while you were singing that, I came up with another song, man.
Cheech:
Oh, yeah?
Chong:
Yeah. It's like the same thing, only different.
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Cheech & Chong's Next Movie - A Request for a Drink
Cheech: [seeing a jar with a yellowish fluid inside]
Hey, it's about time, man. Hey, what do you got? Hey, give me some.
Chong:
What?
Cheech:
Give a drink, man. Come on, man, you drink it.
Chong:
What, this?
Cheech:
Yeah.
Chong: [hands him the jar]
Oh, go ahead, man. Help yourself.
Cheech: [sniffs the inside]
Wait a minute... Hey, man, that's pee!
Chong:
No kidding.
Cheech:
What are you doing with pee?
Chong:
That's for my probation officer, man.
Cheech:
What, does he drink pee?
Chong:
No, man. Last week, I was supposed to bring some in, you know.
Cheech:
Yeah?
Chong:
But I forgot to wash out the jar first, so he sees that mayonnaise floatin around, and he'll think I'm on some kind of weird drug again, and I'm really gonna fuck with his mind this time, man.
Cheech:
Yeah, what did you do?
Chong:
Have my SISTER pee in it.
Cheech: [laughs it out]
Your sister?
Chong:
Yeah, she's pregnant!
Cheech:
Hey, did she get the weed?
Chong:
No, she's out of it, man. We're just waiting on some from Columbia.
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Up in Smoke - A Playful Exchange About Getting High
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After Hours - The Value of Ugly Art
Pepe:
Art sure is ugly.
Neil:
Shows how much you know about art. The uglier the art, the more it's worth.
Pepe:
This must be worth a fortune, man.
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