Walter Matthau Quotes

The Bad News Bears

The Challenge of Breaking Bad Habits

Coach Morris Buttermaker This quitting thing, it's a hard habit to break once you start.

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The Odd Couple

Casual Banter Among Friends in a Room

Speed Scuse me sir, but aren't you the one they call the Cincinnati Kid?

Murray You don't like it, get a machine.

Roy Jeez, it stinks in here.

Vinnie What time is it?

Speed Again what time is it?

Vinnie My watch is slow. I'd like to know what time it is.

Speed You're winnin $95. That's what time it is. Where the hell are you runnin'?

Vinnie I'm not runnin anywhere. I just asked what it was.

Roy It's 10:30.

[looks at his watch]

Vinnie Gotta leave by 12.

[pauses]

Speed Jeez!

[laughs]

Vinnie I told you that when I sat down. I gotta leave by 12. Uh, Murray, didn't I say that when I sat down? I said I gotta leave by 12.

Speed Don't talk to him. He's dealin'. You wanna rest for a while, Murray? Go lie down, sweetheart.

[To Murray]

Murray You want speed or accuracy? Make up your mind.

[He continues shuffling slowly while Speed puffs on his cigar angrily.]

Roy Hey, you wanna do me a really big favor? Smoke towards New Jersey.

[Speed blows smoke into Roy's face. Roy gets up and walks around.]

Murray No kidding. I'm really worried about Felix. He's never been this late before. Maybe somebody should call.

Vinnie Hm.

Murray Hey, Oscar! Why don't you call Felix?!

Speed Listen, why don't we chip in three dollars apiece and buy another window. How the hell can you breathe in here?

Murray How many cards you got? Four?

Speed Yes, Murray, we all have four cards. When you give us one more, we'll all have five. If you gave us two more, we'd all have six. You understand how it works now?

Murray Is Oscar playing or not? Hey, Oscar!

[Yells off.; Cut to Oscar in the kitchen.]

Oscar Madison Yeah?

[Yells off.]

Murray Hey, Oscar, you in or out?

[Yells.]

Oscar Madison Out, pussycat, out!

[Yells.]

Vinnie I told my wife I'd be home by one the latest. We're making an eight o'clock plane to Florida. I told you that when I sat down.

Murray Who goes to Florida in July?

Vinnie Well, it's off-season. There's no crowds, and you get the best room for one-tenth the price. No cards.

Murray Hm.

Speed Some vacation. Six cheap people in an empty hotel.

Murray Dealer takes four. Hey, you think maybe Felix is sick? I mean he's never been this late before.

Roy You know, this is the same garbage from last week's game. I'm beginning to recognize things.

[picks up a piece of junk]

Murray I'm out.

Speed Two kings.

Vinnie Straight.

Murray Hey, maybe he's in his office locked in the john again. Did you know that Felix was once locked in the john overnight? Yeah. He wrote out his entire will on a half a roll of toilet paper What a nut.

[laughs.; laughs.; cracks up. The others laugh with him. Murry is still laughing.]

Speed Don't play with your chips. I'm askin you nice. Don't play with your chips.

[to Vinnie]

Vinnie I'm not playing. I'm counting. I mean, leave me alone, will you?

Speed I'll leave you alone if you stop playin with your chips. I can't stand a guy who's winnin who plays with his chips.

[Oscar comes out of the kitchen with a tray of food and drinks and heads over to the table.]

Oscar Madison This is my house, Vinnie. You wanna play with your chips, you play with them, darling.

[He puts his tray down on the coffee table next to the poker table.]

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Fail Safe

Debate Over Military Action in Crisis

Defense Secretary Swenson The President says he may have to order our fighters to shoot down Group Six. He wants our opinion.

Prof. Groeteschele I oppose it, sir, on the grounds that it's premature. Our planes have not yet reached Soviet territory, they're still hundreds of miles away.

Brig. Gen. Black We've got to do it, and fast! Right now before it's too late!

Gen. Stark It might be too late anyway. Those fighters swung away from the bombers when they got the all-clear signal, they've been flying in opposite directions.

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The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Request for Discharged Motormen List

Lt. Garber Rico, you want to make yourself useful? Get personnel and tell them to get together a list of all motormen discharged for cause during the past five to ten years.

Lt. Patrone What are you looking for?

Lt. Garber Somebody down there knows how to drive a train. You don't pick that up watching ]. Tell them we want it today.

[[w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street]

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The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Urgent Update on Pelham's Movement

Lt. Garber Rico, she's moving.

Lt. Patrone Who's moving?

Lt. Garber Who do you think? Pelham!

Lt. Garber Inspector Daniels? She's moving, sir.

Inspector Daniels Who's moving?

Lt. Garber What's the matter with everybody? How many hijacked trains have we got around here, anyway?

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Lonely are the Brave

Chasing the Unseen in Desperation

Sheriff Morey Johnson You'd think we're chasing a ]... an invisible horse and an invisible cowboy. Harry, throw me that canteen. I haven't got enough spit left to wet a stick of gum.

[[ghost]

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A Face in the Crowd

The Power of Media Influence

Mel Miller You gotta be a saint to stand off the power that little box can give you.

[about TV]

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Fail Safe

The Irony of Nuclear War's Destruction

Ilsa Woolfe You could joke about the convicts and file clerks because you know there won't be any survivors, will there?

Prof. Groeteschele Not many.

Ilsa Woolfe None. None at all. That's the beauty of it.

Prof. Groeteschele I've heard nuclear war called a lotta things, Miss Woolfe. Never beautiful.

Ilsa Woolfe People are afraid to call it that, but that's what they feel.

Prof. Groeteschele The beauty of death?

Ilsa Woolfe Don't patronize me. What else but that are you selling, Professor? And we all know we're going to die, but you make a game out of it, a marvelous game that includes the whole world. You make it seem possible.

Prof. Groeteschele It is possible. Even probable.

Ilsa Woolfe You make death and entertainment something that can be played in a living room.

Prof. Groeteschele As good a place as any.

Ilsa Woolfe No. No, there's an even better place. Turn in there.

[Professor Groeteschele steers his car into that road and stops the car.]

Prof. Groeteschele This where you live?

Ilsa Woolfe Don't joke.

[laughs]

Prof. Groeteschele : Why not? I'm a joker. I make death into a game for people like you to get excited about. I watched you tonight. You'd love making it possible, wouldn't you? You'd love pressing that button. What a thrill that would be, knowing you have to die to have the power to take everyone else with you. The mob of them with their plans, their little hopes, born to be murdered. Turning away from it, closing their eyes to it, and you could be the one to make it true. Do it to them. But you're afraid, so you look for the thrill someplace else. And who better than a man who isn't afraid? I'm not your kind.

[Ilsa Woolfe tries seducing him, and he slaps her.]

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A Face in the Crowd

The Duality of Mildness and Viciousness

Mel Miller Didn't you know? All mild men are vicious. They hate themselves for being mild, and they hate the windy extroverts whose violence seems to have a strange attraction for nice girls. You should know better.

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The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Positive Identification of the Dead Men

Lt. Patrone get that list out on the wire, will you, Wally? Tell em it's top priority!

[on phone]

Lt. Garber What have you got, Rico?

[returning to Transit Police HQ]

Lt. Patrone We got positive identification on the three dead men.

Lt. Garber George Stever. Professional guy, huh?

[reading the ID cards]

Lt. Patrone From St. Louis.

Lt. Garber Yeah, I know how to read, Rico. Giuseppe Benvenuto, alias Joe Welcome. Where's the English guy, the guy who fried himself?

[muttering; aloud]

Lt. Patrone No card on him, but we got a confirm on his prints from Immigration. His name's Bernard Ryder, mercenary soldier. Between wars, I guess.

Lt. Garber None of these guys knows how to drive a train, that means it's the motorman who's missing. Did you get that list of motormen who were discharged for cause I asked you to get?

Lt. Patrone Yeah - seventy-eight names.

Lt. Garber Seventy-eight?

Lt. Patrone Yeah, but it's not that bad. Eight are dead, twenty-two were rehired, eleven are in jail, twenty-six moved away, one's in a mental institution, and another's a member of the New York Police Department.

Lt. Garber That's our man right there.

Lt. Patrone Sorry to disappoint you, Zachary, but he was accounted for.

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The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Conflict Between Duty and Morality

Correll Boy, I never thought I'd see the day when talking to murderers took priority over running a railroad.

Lt. Garber Get off it, will you, Frank? My only priority is saving the lives of these passengers.

Correll Screw the goddamn passengers! What the hell did they expect for their lousy 35 cents - to live forever?

Lt. Garber Oh, you're beautiful. Do you read me, Pelham One Two Three?

[into mike]

Correll If I was running things, I'd go in there with guns and tear gas and blast them out.

Lt. Garber Yeah, well you're not running things, so why don't you start doing your own work and let the police do theirs, huh?

Correll Like that lily-livered cop on the train, huh? When the hell's he going to start shooting?

Lt. Garber We don't even know if it is a he. Do you read me, Pelham One Two Three?

[into mike]

Correll Lady cops - what the hell good are they? She probably can't even find her gun in her goddamn purse!

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The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Time Constraints in Negotiation

Mr. Blue It is 2:24, Lieutenant, you've got forty-nine minutes.

Lt. Garber Be reasonable, will you? We're trying to cooperate with you but we can't do anything if you don't give us enough time to work with.

Mr. Blue Forty-nine minutes.

Lt. Garber We're dealing with City Hall, for God's sake, you know what a mess of red tape that is?

Mr. Blue Forty-nine minutes.

Lt. Garber Look, fella, we know how to tell time as well as you do, but we're not gonna get anywhere if all you do is repeat forty-nine minutes!

Mr. Blue Forty-eight minutes.

Lt. Garber Yeah, all right, we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Son of a bitch.

[after shutting off the mike]

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The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Train Hijacking Reported by Officers

Lt. Patrone What's up, Z?

Lt. Garber You won't believe it.

Lt. Patrone You know me. I'll believe anything.

Lt. Garber A train's been hijacked.

Lt. Patrone I don't believe it.

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The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Conflict between authority and defiance

Correll I don't give a rat's ass for your fucking instructions. I'm not lifting a finger to help the killers of Caz Dolowicz. Hey, Jesus!

[Grabbed by the shirt by Lt.Garber]

Lt. Garber Now you listen to me, you dumb son of a bitch. You don't do what I tell you, you'll be having dinner tonight with Caz Dolowicz!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Tragedy Strikes in the Line of Duty

Lt. Patrone Z, they just drew first blood, that supervisor from Grand Central Tower. We don't know his name, they just killed him.

Lt. Garber Oh God. Thanks, Rico. Frank, do you know who went down to 28th St. from Grand Central?

Correll Yeah, Caz Dolowicz. Why?

Lt. Garber Geeze, I knew him.

Correll Hey, what do you mean you knew him?

Lt. Garber They just shot him.

Correll Dead? Caz? Fat Caz?

Lt. Garber Yeah.

Correll Awww, shit!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Face in the Crowd

Critique of the Television Industry's Isolation

Mel Miller Here you see the lepers of the great television industry. Men without faces. Why, they even slide our paychecks under the door so they can pretend we're not here.

[about the writers]

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Fail Safe

Debate on the Value of Human Life

Female Party Guest Two hours ago, you said a hundred million dead. Now you say sixty million.

Prof. Groeteschele I say sixty million is perhaps the highest price we should be prepared to pay in a war.

Mr. Foster And what's the difference between sixty million dead and a hundred million?

Prof. Groeteschele forty million.

Mr. Foster Some difference!

Prof. Groeteschele Are you prepared to say the saving of forty million lives is of no importance?

Mr. Foster You miss the point, Professor! The saving of those sixty million lives is what's important!

Prof. Groeteschele Face facts, Mr. Foster. We're talking about war. I say every war, including thermonuclear war, must have a winner and a loser. Which would you rather be?

Mr. Foster In a nuclear war, everyone loses! War isn't what it used to be.

Prof. Groeteschele It's the resolution of economic and political conflict.

Mr. Foster But what kind of resolution with a hundred million dead?!

Prof. Groeteschele It doesn't have to be a hundred million.

Mr. Foster Even sixty!

Prof. Groeteschele The same as a thousand years ago, sir. We also had wars that wiped out whole peoples. The point is still who wins and who loses, the survival of a culture.

Mr. Foster A culture?! With most of its people dead?! The rest dying, the food poisoned! The air unfit to breathe! You call that a culture?!

Prof. Groeteschele Yes, I do, Mr. Foster. I am not a poet. I am a political scientist, who would rather have an American culture survive than a Russian one.

Female Party Guest But what would it be like? I mean, really like?! Who would survive?

Prof. Groeteschele Who would survive? That's an interesting question. I would predict... convicts and file clerks. The worst convicts. Those deep down in solitary confinement. And the most ordinary file clerks. Probably for large insurance companies, because they would be in fire-proof rooms, protected by tons of the best insulator in the world: paper. And imagine what will happen. The small group of vicious criminals will fight the army of file clerks for the remaining means of life. The convicts will know violence, but the file clerks will know organization. Who do think'll win? It's all hypotheses of course, but fun to play around with.

[A male guest laughs.; There is a long pause, and then he laughs.]

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

The Dead Man's Feature Explained

Inspector Daniels Garber, I just had a terrible thought: suppose they're not on the train? What if they set the throttle and jumped off? While we're chasing the train, they're sneaking out of an emergency exit somewhere behind us.

Lt. Garber Ingenious thought, sir, except for one thing: it's impossible.

Inspector Daniels Why?

Lt. Garber Little gizmo known as a dead man's feature. It was built into the controller handle in case a motorman should ever drop dead. The controller handle has to have a man's hand pressing down on it hard at all times. Otherwise, the thing don't work. The train stops cold.

Inspector Daniels Uh-huh. I see.

Lt. Garber Nice try, though.

A Face in the Crowd

Courage in Ignorance

Mel Miller I'll say one thing for him, he's got the courage of his ignorance.

[about Lonesome Rhodes]

A Face in the Crowd

The Inevitable Decline of Fame

Lonesome Rhodes Listen, I'm not through yet. You know what's gonna to happen to me?

Mel Miller Suppose I tell you exactly what's gonna happen to you. You're gonna be back in television. Only it won't be quite the same as it was before. There'll be a reasonable cooling-off period and then somebody will say: "Why don't we try him again in an inexpensive format? People's memories aren't too long." And you know, in a way, he'll be right. Some of the people will forget, and some of them won't. Oh, you'll have a show. Maybe not the best hour or, you know, top 10. Maybe not even in the top 35. But you'll have a show. It just won't be quite the same as it was before. Then a couple of new fellas will come along. And pretty soon, a lot of your fans will be flocking around them. And then one day, somebody'll ask: "Whatever happened to, uh... whatshisname? You know, the one who was so big. The number-one fella a couple of years ago. He was famous. How can we forget a name like that? Oh by the way, have you seen, uh, Barry Mills? I think he's the greatest thing since Will Rogers.

Fail Safe

The Dilemma of City Alerts

Defense Secretary Swenson General Stark, are there any papers or documents in New York which are absolutely essential to the running of the United States? General Stark?

Gen. Stark No sir. There are important documents, but none of them absolutely essential.

Admiral Wilcox Will there be any warning given? A lot of lives could be saved if people had a few minutes.

Defense Secretary Swenson On this short notice, an alert to a big city would do more harm than good. It only produces panic.

Admiral Wilcox What about this?

Gen. Stark Maybe... maybe he doesn't know his wife is there.

Defense Secretary Swenson He knows.

[shaking his head]

Prof. Groeteschele Gentlemen, we are wasting time. I've been making a few rough calculations based on the effect of two twenty megaton bombs dropped on New York City in the middle of a normal workday. I estimate the immediate dead at about three million. I include in that figure those buried beneath the collapsed buildings. It would make no difference, Admiral Wilcox, whether they reached a shelter or not. They would die just the same. Add another million or two who will die within about five weeks. Now our immediate problem will be the joint one of fire control and excavation. Excavation not of the dead, the effort would be wasted there. But even though there are no irreplaceable government documents in the city, many of our largest corporations keep their records there. It will be necessary to... rescue as many of those records as we can. Our economy depends on this. Our economy depends on this. And the Lord said, gentlemen, "He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone.

[walking to the podium; pause; pause]

Fail Safe

The Ethics of Preemptive Strikes in War

Prof. Groeteschele Excuse me. Every minute we wait works against us. Now, Mr. Secretary, now is when we must send in a first strike.

Gen. Stark We don't go in for sneak attacks. We had that done to us at Pearl Harbor.

Prof. Groeteschele And the Japanese were right to do it. From their point of view, we were their mortal enemy. As long as we existed, we were a deadly threat to them. Their only mistake was that they failed to finish us at the start, and they paid for that mistake at Hiroshima.

Gen. Stark You're talking about a different kind of war.

Prof. Groeteschele Exactly. This time, *we* can finish what *we* start. And if we act now, right now, our casualties will be minimal.

Brig. Gen. Black You know what you're saying?

Prof. Groeteschele Do you believe that Communism is not our mortal enemy?

Brig. Gen. Black You're justifying murder.

Prof. Groeteschele Yes, to keep from being murdered!

Brig. Gen. Black In the name of what? To preserve what? Even if we do survive, what are we? Better than what we say they are? What gives us the right to live, then? What makes us worth surviving, Groeteschele? That we are ruthless enough to strike first?

Prof. Groeteschele Yes! Those who can survive are the only ones worth surviving.

Brig. Gen. Black Fighting for your life isn't the same as murder.

Prof. Groeteschele Where do you draw the line once you know what the enemy is? How long would the Nazis have kept it up, General, if every Jew they came after had met them with a gun in his hand? But I learned from them, General Black. Oh, I learned.

Brig. Gen. Black You learned too well, Professor. You learned so well that now there's no difference between you and what you want to kill.

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Questioning Motives in Unexplained Actions

Lt. Garber Inspector, that short move they made between 28th Street and 17th Street - why did they do that?

Inspector Daniels I don't know.

Lt. Garber Suppose they wanted to do something they didn't want anybody else to know about?

Inspector Daniels Like what?

Lt. Garber Like jumping off the train! Turn around, Inspector, we're going back to 17th Street.

Inspector Daniels Like hell we are!

Lt. Garber They are not on the train. I'm sure of it!

Inspector Daniels Look, Garber, I suggested that in the first place and you shot me down. Something about a dead man's feature?

Lt. Garber But they figured out how to beat that! That's their plan! That's what they started with!

Inspector Daniels Turn this thing around and burn rubber.

[to his driver]

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Discussion on Execution Practices

Mr. Blue Excuse me, do you people still execute in this state?

Lt. Garber What? Oh, execute. No, not at the moment.

Mr. Blue Pity.

Fail Safe

Debate on Military Strategy and Outcomes

Prof. Groeteschele In my opinion they will take no action at all.

Gen. Stark They're not going to just sit there, Professor

Prof. Groeteschele I think if our bombers get through the Russians will surrender.

Gen. Bogan Who's this professor, Mr. Secretary? What's he doing there?

Defense Secretary Swenson Professor Groeteschele is a civilian advisor to the Pentagon, General. Will you explain your statement, Professor?

Prof. Groeteschele The Russian aim is to dominate the world. They think that Communism must succeed eventually if the Soviet Union is left reasonably intact. They know that a war would leave the Soviet Union utterly destroyed. Therefore, they would surrender.

Gen. Stark But suppose they feel they can knock us off first?

Prof. Groeteschele They know we might have a doomsday system, missiles that would go into action days, even weeks after a war is over and destroy an enemy even after that enemy has already destroyed us.

Brig. Gen. Black Maybe they'll think that even capitalists aren't that insane, to want to kill after they themselves have been killed.

Prof. Groeteschele These are Marxist fanatics, not normal people. They do not reason they way you reason, General Black. They're not motivated by human emotions such as rage and pity. They are calculating machines. They will look at the balance sheet, and they will see they cannot win.

Defense Secretary Swenson Then you suggest doing what?

Prof. Groeteschele Nothing.

Defense Secretary Swenson Nothing?

Prof. Groeteschele The Russians will surrender, and the threat of Communism will be over, forever.

Gen. Bogan That's a lot of hogwash. Don't kid yourself, there'll be Russian generals who will react just as I would - the best defense is a good offense. They see trouble coming up, take my word for it, they'll attack, and they won't give a damn what Marx said.

Prof. Groeteschele Mr. Secretary, I am convinced that the moment the Russians know bombs will fall on Moscow, they will surrender. They know that whatever they do then, they cannot escape destruction. Don't you see, sir, this our chance. We never would have made the first move deliberately, but Group 6 has made it for us, by accident. We must take advantage of it - history demands it. We must advise the President not to recall those planes.

Memorable Quotes from Walter Matthau

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