Memorable Quotes from Will Forte
22 quotesExploring Unconventional Methods of Conception
John Solomon
I think we maybe need to broaden our search to include less conventional methods of having a baby.
Dean Solomon
Like anal?
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Confronting an Adversary with Determination
MacGruber
Pound some Cunth.
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MacGruber's Reaction to Insanity
MacGruber
* Subtited: You're crazy, man!
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The Joys of Freedom for Stray Dogs
Reggie
Yeah, well it is kinda awesome not having to hold my pee for ten hours until Doug lets me outside. And I like the sound of "legend" a lot more than "shitbag".
[He and the other dogs walk away laughing, except for Hunter, who's still peeing.]
Hunter
Guys, I'm still peeing.
Maggie
Wait, is that really what he called you?
Reggie
And I really don't miss roasting in the car when he stops at a store, and he leaves me with the windows cracked barely enough for me to stay conscious.
Maggie
Wait, what?
Reggie
And I'm just panting, gasping for air and trying to survive until he comes back in 45 minutes. Classic Doug. Too funny.
[chuckles and sighs]
Maggie
So, this guy neglects you, throws you on the street, and you still think he's a good guy?
Reggie
Yeah. I mean, if Doug doesn't like me, why does he let me eat his leftover human food?
Hunter
So he doesn't have to buy dog food.
Bug
And why didn't he put a collar and tags on you?
Reggie
Because he doesn't believe in labels.
Bug
Oh, come on, Reg.
Reggie
And the bandana he gave me is way more special than a collar, cause he used it for his penis sneezes.
Maggie
Ew.
Hunter
Ew.
Reggie
Doug loves me. We have a good relationship. You just don't understand the situation, because if Doug's such a bad guy, and he... he left me on purpose, and he hurt me on purpose, that would mean... that would mean... Doug doesn't love me. Can, uh, you guys just give me a second?
[begins to realize; short pause]
Maggie
Poor little guy.
[sighs]
Hunter
That is just the classic toxic relationship. I should probably talk to him. I am a therapy dog.
Bug
Nah, give him some space. Kid's been through a lot.
Doug
That's what you fucking sound like, you piece of shit. Oh, get off! Get-- Bad dog! BAD DOG! BAD DOG! Worst dog in the fucking world.
[in the flashbacks; imitates barking]
Maggie
Hey, Reggie. I know you're feeling hurt right now, and it's-- It must be so hard to figure out what to do.
Reggie
I'm going back to Doug's.
Maggie
What?!
Bug
The fuck, man? What's it gonna take for you to understand that he's not playing a game with you?
Reggie
And I'm not playing a game with him.
Bug
Okay...?
Reggie
All my life, I felt like I wasn't worth anything unless I heard those words, "Good boy". But they never came. Well, he needs to know he's hurt me. He needs to feel my pain. And he needs to pay for what he did with the only thing he truly loves! I'm gonna bite his dick off.
Maggie
Oh.
[surprised]
Hunter
Wait, did he just say bite?
Bug
Yeah, I'm still a little drunk, but did I just hear you say that you--
Reggie
I said I'm gonna bite his dick off!
Bug
Oh, I'm a hundred percent in for this.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A crude expression of frustration and humor
MacGruber
I bet you wish your nose was a dick so you could fuck butts!
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Concerns About a Child's Appearance
John Solomon
Do you have any pictures of the kids? Something that we can... Oh, Dean. How about that little guy?
[points to picture of adoption agency representatives son]
Dean Solomon
No friggin way! Under no circumstances. Hes got like Bells Palsy or something.
[agency representative appears visibly upset]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Personal Growth Through Challenging Moments
Dean Solomon
THERE YOU GO AGAIN, MAKING ME A BETTER PERSON!
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Unexpected Enthusiasm for a Moment
MacGruber
That was fuckin tits
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Unexpected Consequences of an Accident
John Solomon
So she got hit by a bus, huh? Poor girl.
Dean Solomon
Yeah, the bus took a pretty serious hit too. I mean she was a large girl. Comfortably in the 200s.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Acknowledge the Madness
MacGruber
You're loco, man!
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Desperation for Clarity in Communication
MacGruber
Just tell me what you want me to fuck!
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Desperate Measures in Extreme Circumstances
MacGruber
If ripping throats gets that warhead back, I'll suck as many dicks as I've go— I'll rip as many throats as I have to!
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Belief and Reality in Communication
Receptionist
Does he have Alzheimer's?
[about Woody]
David Grant
No, he just believes what people tell him.
Receptionist
That's too bad.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Chaos with MacGruber's Humor
MacGruber
Classic Macgruber
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Small Town Memories and Mischievous Youth
Kate Grant
That's Ed Pegram singing. Did you know that he was always trying to get in my bloomers?
[to Woody]
David Grant
Jesus Mom! Was the whole town trying to seduce you?
Kate Grant
These boys grow up staring at the rear ends of cows and pigs, it's only natural that a real woman will get them chafing their pants.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of Persistence in Life
MacGruber
Never ever say never ever'.
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Conflict and Agreement Amongst Strays
Doug
BAD FUCKING DOG!!!
Reggie
You're goddamn right!
Reggie
Yeah, we should probably leave.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Hat or Seat Cushion Choice
Receptionist
I can give you a free gift. Would you like a hat or a seat cushion?
[after telling Woody he hasn't won the money]
David Grant
Dad? Do you want a hat or a seat cushion?
Woody Grant
I'll take a hat.
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A Request for Meatloaf at Dinner
Kate Grant
Why do you want meatloaf if it isn't even on the dinner menu?
Woody Grant
Cause I like it.
Waitress
What can I get you?
Woody Grant
Do you have any meatloaf?
Waitress
No, that's only part of our lunch specials.
Kate Grant
He'll have the chicken.
Waitress
Fried or grilled?
Woody Grant
Fried.
Kate Grant
He'll have it grilled. I think I'd like the roast beef, but I'm not entirely sure. What do you recommend?
Waitress
Everything's all good ma'am, but I especially like the tilapia.
Kate Grant
Oh, then I'll have the roast beef.
David Grant
I'll have the tilapia.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Tensions and Harsh Memories
Kate Grant
There's Woody's little sister, Rose. She was only nineteen when she was killed in a car wreck near Wausa. What a whore!
[looking at graves]
David Grant
Mom!
Kate Grant
Nah, I liked Rose, but my God, she was a slut.
David Grant
C'mon...
Kate Grant
I'm just telling you the truth!
David Grant
Where's your family?
Kate Grant
Oh, they're over in the Catholic cemetery. Catholics wouldn't be caught dead around all these damn Lutherans. Here's Delmer, Woody's cousin, he was a drunk. One time we were wrestling and he felt me up. Grabbed a handful of boob and Woody was right there and didn't have a clue, did ya Woody?
[approaches another tombstone]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defiance in the Face of Adversity
MacGruber
I got a better idea, no fucking way!
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Awkward Conversations About Intimacy and Appeal
John Solomon
I literally cannot wait to feel myself inside you!
Janine
Whoa! The only thing you're going to feel yourself inside of is a cold Dixie cup!
Dean Solomon
Well, that certainly doesn't make your vagina sound very appealing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.