A Simple Favor Quotes

Stephanie Smothers Hi moms. Stephanie here. I'm going to do something a little different today. I normally avoid any talk of religion on the vlog. I don't want to offend any non-denominational moms, but I do think that we live on after we die. So, Emily, if you are out there, and you can hear me right now, no one could ever replace you. And you'll always be Nicky's mom. I can't take your place. I can just try to love the people that you love and try to make their lives better. I think that's what you would want.

Diana She never let me paint her face except for this one. I've never seen such a beautiful girl want to be so invisible or just completely vanish. But you know what, it takes money to vanish, and so she took everything that she could from me. You know how I would paint you? Beautific. Like, like a fucking saint.

Stephanie I get that a lot.

Diana You should embrace it. People love saints.

Stephanie Yeah, after they're dead.

Diana Okay. What do you know about her? How did she die?

Stephanie In the lake, on heroin.

Diana Well, you don't believe that, or you wouldn't be here.

Stephanie She didn't ever mention Michigan, did she?

Diana That is the only thing that she ever left here. She said she had it since she was a kid. I warn you, you go poking around in her past, you're going to find some shit that is terrifying. She was not a normal person like you or me.

Margaret Are you a mother?

Stephanie Yes. I love every minute of it.

Margaret Aww. Then you must have brain damage.

Stephanie It's my fault. I'm the reason they're both dead.

Emily No. Hey, don't do that. People, people do terrible things for their own fucked up reasons. That's on them, not on you.

Stephanie Yeah. I miss him.

Emily Which one?

Stephanie Both. I'm lonely. I think loneliness probably kills more people than cancer.

Sean What did you guys get up to today at school?

Nicky I saw my mom.

Sean Um, I understand, Nicky, that sometimes we think we see people that we miss even if they're gone.

Nicky No, I saw her. She was right outside the fence by the kickball yard at recess.

Sean Well, lots of people look like someone else.

Nicky Nobody looks like mom! She told me to say hi to Stephanie.

Sean Nicky, this is unhealthy.

Nicky Miles saw her too, right Miles?

Miles I think I did. But I don't know. I was playing tetherball.

Stephanie Did you two hatch this up? Is this a game, like when you smash everything with trucks? Because you know what we say about lying.

Nicky I'm not lying! I saw her! Fuck you!

Sean Hey, Nicky!

Miles Oopsy.

Stephanie Emily! Emily, stop! Emily, you can't outrun this! Don't do this to Nicky! Come on, you're still his mom!

Emily Yeah, I am. But you sure as shit won't be.

Darren America's hybrids. Silent, but deadly.

Emily Come here, little dude. Oh, my baby! Look at your shirt. Did any food make it into your mouth?

Miles Ask her, Nicky! Ask her!

Emily Ask me what?

Nicky We want a play date.

Emily Oh, we can't, mommy already has a play date with a symphony of anti-depressants. Let's go.

Miles and Nicky Play date! Play date! Play date!

Emily Baby, please don't do this. I got to go. Come on. I got a ton of work to do.

Nicky You don't let me have any fun.

Emily That's not true. I let you tear my labia as you exited my body, so you're welcome.

Stephanie Smothers I'm sorry! I'm not sorry! I'm still working on that!

Stephanie Smothers Hi moms, Stephanie here. Today, as promised, I am going to share my zucchini chocolate chip cookie recipe. But first, many of you have asked me for an update on the Emily situation. And for those of you who are new to my vlog, you should know my best friend Emily is missing right now. She asked me a simple favor, to pick up her son Nicky from school, which was five days ago, and she hasn't come back yet, so I'm sorry. We're all really worried, and I'm doing everything I can to help the police track her down. But I'm realizing I don't know her as well as I thought I did. It's like my mom used to say, God rest her soul, um, "Secrets are like margarine, easy to spread, bad for the heart". But as different as we are, I do consider Emily my best friend. She is this wonderful, elegant person. And our sons brought us together, actually. Well, you know, for our new friends, I'll just started from the beginning. I met Emily a few weeks ago at school. It was international cuisine day in my son's first grade class, and once again, I drew Sweden, which meant my famous meatless meatballs.

Stephanie Here. I made that for you.

Emily You made this for me?

Stephanie Thought it would go with that pinstriped suit you have.

Emily Really? That's nice. No one does stuff like this for me.

Stephanie I used to watch those Bewitched reruns on TV Land, and I always thought it was so classy when Darren would come from work and Samantha would fix him a martini. So every time we do this, I feel so high-tone.

Emily My God, you're such a nerd.

Sean I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of pretending. I want to be this man. The man I am with you.

Stephanie I don't do threesomes.

Taglines What happened to Emily?

Stephanie You used me. You used me too. But you had me making you dinner, watching your kid, sucking your dick.

Sean I had no idea that she was still alive!

Stephanie Stop lying.

Emily Okay, you guys. I think we should just sit down and talk this out.

Sean Emily, you sit down. You hated Stephanie. You used to watch her vlog and rip her apart.

Stephanie All I wanted was to be your friend.

Emily You were. And then you fucked my husband and my insurance plan.

Sean Don't blame her! This is so typical of you!

Emily Sean, I was just trying to get us out of crushing fucking debt.

Sean Yeah, maybe if you had the good sense to give me a call, I could've helped you with this little plot of yours.

Emily Oh, please, you haven't come up with a decent plot in ten years.

Sean Really? Right now?

Stephanie Can I say something, as the lady with the gun? Nicky deserves better than both of you.

Emily Fuck you! I love my kid.

Sean Shut up!

Emily Did you just take my picture?

Stephanie I'm yearbook mom.

Emily Did I ask you to take my picture? Erase it.

Stephanie Oh, you look really chic. It's just for Faces and Places. Just for the other parents.

Emily Erase it or I'll slap a fucking injunction on your yearbook. Do you understand?

Stephanie Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's gone. Whoa. Bye bye.

Emily Don't do that again.

Stephanie Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Or I didn't mean to offend you. Um, I'm sure that stuff's really sensitive in your industry.

Emily Oh, no. It's all good.

Stephanie I'm probably not the kind of person that you're normally friends with.

Emily Oh, you do not want to be friends with me. Trust me.

Sean Townsend She's an enigma, my wife. You can get close to her, but you never quite reach her. She's like a beautiful ghost.

Taglines It all started with... a simple favor

Sean I grieved your death.

Emily I understand. You're not alone. They say that 90% of people who lose their spouse end up sleeping with their spouse's best friend after their funeral, actually.

Sean Really?

Emily No, I just made that up, you fucking dick. That's how you grieve? Balls deep in my best friend?

Taglines Can you keep a secret?

Emily Nelson Brotherfucker!

Emily You are so nice. I have no idea how you've survived this long.

Stephanie I'm not as nice as you think, so.

Emily Are you baiting me?

Stephanie No! I'm just saying, everybody has a dark side.

Emily Mm-hmm.

Stephanie Some of us are better at hiding at it than others.

Emily Want to trade confessions?

Stephanie No, no. No.

Emily Come on, what's the wildest thing you've ever done?

Stephanie Oh, I... no, I don't know. I shouldn't. You go first.

Emily Okay, um, a few months ago, Sean and I had his TA over dinner and drinks, and a threesome.

Stephanie Was Sean jealous of him?

Emily Did I say it was a him?

Stephanie That's very cool, sis. Very cool.

Taglines We all have secrets to hide.