Accepted Quotes

Bartleby Gaines Listen guys, there are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college. ]. You know? ] never went to college. ] and ]; they had a great run. Both ]. ]. ].

Hoyt Ambrose Hey, I know you. You are..the guy!

Bartleby Yeah, I'm..The Guy! What can I do for you? Let me guess...you want me...to sign a petition banning minorities from your yacht club?

Hoyt Ambrose I need to see the leaseholder. Harmon College would like to buy the property. Where can I find him?

Bartleby I can tell you that the leaseholder is not interested in selling. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to enjoy my wad.

Hoyt Ambrose Open up!

Bartleby Now go back to whatever game show you host.

Hoyt Ambrose This is not funny!

Freaky Guy Is this a test?

Taglines Battle Royale

Schrader Hey, you wanted to fool your dad and the guy's not an idiot. And also, it was your idea to put "acceptance is just one click away".

Bartleby Yeah, you put it as "one click away", you don't make it clickable!

Ben Lewis I'm going off the grid. No more Franchises, no more botox, no more "Hey, oh, lets clone another goat," and certainly no more sexual harassment lawsuits, what's wrong with saying "Hey, nice tits." When did that go out the window?

Diane Gaines Are you huffing?

Bartleby Oh god.

Diane Gaines Are you high?

Jack Gaines You're huffing grass?

Bartleby No I'm not huffing mom I'm not stoned I'm completely fine, in fact I'm more clear and level headed than I've ever been.

Jack Gaines Okay cut the crap Bartleby. Society has rules and the first rule is: You go to college. You wanna have a happy and successful life, you go to college. If you wanna be somebody, you go to college. If you wanna fit in, you go to college.

Bartleby Well you know what? Maybe I didn't get into college!

Glen I got fired from Quick & Stop.

Bartleby How come?

Glen For making a shrimp slushee.

Bartleby Aw Glen, that is disgusting! What on Earth inspired you to make that?

Glen I was hungry and thirsty!

Ben Lewis You know a lot of people say that college is a time when young men and women expand the way that they look at their world when they open their mind to new ideas and experiences and when they begin that long journey form the innocence of Youth, to the responsibilities of Adulthood... now isn't that a load of horse shit! AHAHAHAHA!

Bartleby Alright, Schrader. What about you?

Schrader Well, B, I'm glad you asked that, actually, cuz since we're going to prison, I want to learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.

Bartleby Okay ha ha. I'll tell you something though, all our lives we've been told what to learn, well today the tide is going to turn my friend because today we're gonna ask the customers.

Bartleby Oh, no!

Schrader Ask me about my wiener! Ask me about my wiener-r-r-r-r-r!

Bartleby Schrader?

Monica Hey.

Schrader Oh hey, B. And Monica.

Bartleby Why are you wearing that?

Schrader Every brother of my fraternity has worn this suit. President James Garfield wore this suit like a gentleman!

Bartleby Oh yeah, and look what happened to him? He got assassinated by Charles Guiteau.

Bartleby Don't ask me how I know that.

Schrader Listen, could you guys ask me about my wiener real quick?

Bartleby Schrader , no.

Schrader Guys, this is important! My fraternity brothers could be watching me right now! Just ask me about my wiener, please!

Bartleby Why are you doing this?

Schrader What do you mean?

Bartleby This, you're humiliating yourself, buddy.

Schrader You know what, B? Don't mess with me, alright? These are the happiest times of my life right now! I've never been happier, I'm happy! Hey, ask me about my wiener!

Lizzie Gaines Bartleby, I know that this is not real. I will tell Mom and Dad.

Bartleby Fine, I dare you!

Lizzie Hello Mom, I was just visiting Bartleby. Could you please pick me up at...

Bartleby OK, OK, you win. Name something, not money related.

Lizzie Your razor scooter.

Bartleby Done.

Lizzie And a fake ID.

Bartleby No way! I will not be an accessory to you buying booze!

Lizzie It is so I can vote, doofus!

Bartleby Oh, well then OK.

Glen You need a razor scooter to vote?

Taglines Reject rejection

Bartleby Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?

Ben Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that they're gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!

Jack Gaines I... I, I just don't understand...

Ben DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...

Bartleby Holy shit...

Jack Gaines ... Which is?

Ben ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.

Jack Gaines I couldn't agree more.

Diane Gaines It is so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!

Ben Fuckin A!

Taglines When every college turned them down...they made one up.

Ben Lewis Health insurance my ass! They don't pay for shit. You get sick on a Friday, they only pay from Monday through Thursday. You go to doctor A, they only pay for doctor B. You break your penis, they only fix vaginas!

Bartleby You said you didn't wanna be a part of this thing.

Schrader I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wanted to be the fourth generation of Schrader to go to Harmon. But then I realized, I would much rather be the first generation of Schrader to go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology. I said it, okay? I said it.

Bartleby So you're saying... you're saying you want to be a S.H.I.T. head?

Schrader I'm saying I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.

Ben Lewis What is learning? It's paying attention. It's opening yourself up to this great big ball of shit that we call life, and what's the worst that could happen? You get bit in the ass. Well let me tell you: my ass looks like hamburger meat, but I can still sit down.

Dr. Alexander So, is that it Mr. Gaines? You have one teacher for upwards of 300 students?

Dr. Alexander Mr. Gaines! Answer the question!

Bartleby Nah, I'm not gonna answer your question, cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces. And it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look, and not by who we are. Just because you want us to be more like them, when the truth is, we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! Harmon College, and their 100 years of tradition, but tradition of what? Of hazing kids, and humiliating anyone who's a little bit different? Or putting so much pressure on kids that they become these stress freaks and caffeine addicts?

Dean Van Horne Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!

Bartleby Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules, and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?

Dean Van Horne Your curriculum is a joke, and you sir, are a criminal.

Bartleby You know what? You're a criminal, because you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion, that's the real crime! What about you parents? Did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or play it safe, roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician, or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I lied to you, I lied to all of you and I'm sorry, Dad, especially you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. It was full of possibilities, and isn't that what you ultimately want for us as parents? I mean... it's that. It's possibilities. Well, we came here today to get your approval and something just occurred to me. I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval?! We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. Because there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you know it, and I know that it's a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. Because you don't need teachers or classrooms or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn, you just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shitload at South Harmon! So you can go ahead. Sign your forms. Reject us, and shoot us down, do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning and well never stop growing and we'll never forget the ideals that were instilled in us at our place! Because we're S.H.I.T. Heads now, and we'll be S.H.I.T. Heads forever, and nothing you can say or do or stamp can take that away from us, so go!