American Wedding (2003) - Quotes

Finch Asserts Control Over the Situation

Finch: Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.

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Perspectives on Love and Desire

Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?

Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".

Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?

Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.

Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.

Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?

Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.

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Toasting Friendship and Impoliteness

Kevin Myers: Guys, here's to the next step!

Paul Finch: Would you please shut up with that stepping?! Put your glass down!

Steve Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite or something?

Jim: Impolite" would be an improvement.

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A Cautionary Reminder About Animals

Jim's Dad: Son, step away from the animal...

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Unexpected Confession in American Wedding

Paul Finch: I did fuck your Mom... Twice!

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A Memorable Exclamation About Stifler's Mom

Paul Finch: Oh, Stifler's Mom!

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Rejecting Philosophical Ideals with Humor

Paul Finch: Voltaire can suck on my balls!

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Finch's Philosophy on Life and Love

Paul Finch: Hey I'm gonna give you a little piece of advice: love life, get paid, then get laid. That is the basic philosophy of... The Finch-meister!

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Love is an Action, Not Just a Feeling

Michelle Flaherty: Jim, I had trouble finding the words to tell you how I feel. And I realized something. Love isn't just a feeling. Love is something you do. It's a dress, a visit to band camp. A special haircut. Jim, you've given me everything I ever wanted, and it is my solemn vow to give everything I am to you.

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Love Defined Beyond Feelings

Michelle Flaherty: Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls.

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Unexpected Sentiment from Steve Stifler

Michelle Flaherty: Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. This is huge; it's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.

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Stifler's Bold and Crude Wedding Remarks

Steve Stifler: [sucking noise; sucking noise; sucking noise] Fuck you Finch, you didn't eat shit OK, you didn't prance around here like a ballerina for the whole week. (Cadence appears) Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special fuckers aren't we? Well, you know what? I'm-a gonna get laid Finch-fucker and it's going to be like "oh so good". It's gonna be like "Do you like this shit, mama?" and she's gonna be like "Fucking right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!" Like... Moo (Not amused Cadence) Moo. Moo. (Looks at Cadence) You been here long?

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A Dance Lesson with Stifler

Steve Stifler: Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar

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Confrontational Statement by Steve Stifler

Steve Stifler: Suck my dick. Ron Jeremy

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Frustration with a clear message

Steve Stifler: Fuckface! What part of "This sucks my ass" do you not under-fucking-stand?!

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Frustration and Encouragement in the Moment

Steve Stifler: [Kevin & Finch look at him; Whispers to Jim] This sucks! Did I say that out loud? Keep going, man. It's good.

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Prioritizing work over distractions

Steve Stifler: Save it, dickhead, I'm working.

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Stifler's Unconventional Greeting

Steve Stifler: Hey, flower-fuckers, you there?!

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Stifler's Casual Farewell

Steve Stifler: Fine. Adios!

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Celebrating Unconventional Perspectives on Special Moments

Steve Stifler: Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special fuckers. Well, you know what? Im-a gonna get laid Finch-fucker and it's going to be like oh so good. And I'm gonna be like "You like this shit, mama?" and she's gonna be like "Fucking right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!

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Desire for Stifler's Attention and Approval

Steve Stifler: Everyone wants a piece of the Stifmeister.

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Stifler's Bold Plans for the Wedding

Steve Stifler: It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and I'm gonna rock out with my cock out.

Unexpected Attraction in American Wedding

Steve Stifler: Told ya that guy wanted to fuck me.

Invitation Mishap on a Special Day

Steve Stifler: Happy "Fuck Day", Ass Mouth! What happened to my invite? Get lost in the mail, Fuckface?

Stifler's Unconventional Congratulations

Steve Stifler: Congratulation, Jism!

Stifler's sarcastic response to an invitation

Steve Stifler: Gee, thanks for inviting me to the graduation party, fucker.

Stifler's Priorities in American Wedding

Steve Stifler: If you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.

Unexpected Request for a Milkshake

Steve Stifler: Well, polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.

Stifler's Question About Thailand's Capital

Steve Stifler: [Hits Finch in the groin] Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand? Bangkok!

A Humorous Comparison of Unusual Body Imagery

Steve Stifler: My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls. Hey Finch, you want this for here or to go?

Stifler's Challenge: It's On Like Donkey Kong

Steve Stifler: It's on like Donkey Kong, biotch.

Stifler's Take on Poor Romantic Choices

Steve Stifler: No, no, no, shit-head, you hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds? Not to mention that you passed on Nadia, dumbest fucking thing ever. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.