Future Weapon Confusion Among Friends
Ron Burgundy:
Brick, what the hell is that?
Brick Tamland:
It's a gun...from the future.
Wesley Jackson:
No fair, he has a gun from the future!
Ron Burgundy:
Where did you get it from?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
News Crew Engages in Comedic Banter
BBC Anchor: [[w:BBC|BBC; BBC news team shouts]
Wait! Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wanker-man Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From Newsreader From a Superior Country." For we are the ] News Service!
Ron Burgundy:
Oh, not now!
Jack Lime: [To his news team]
Fall back, fall back.
Wesley Jackson: [[w:MTV|MTV]
If y'all gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the ] news crew want in!
Brian Fantana:
What's "MTV"?
Ron Burgundy:
I think it's a venereal disease.
Wesley Jackson: [MTV news team shouts]
The most requested video of the day: A new band called "Burgundy sucking chest wound"!
Jill Jansen:
It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Jansen...
Wendy Van Peel:
And Wendy Van Peel, from Entertainment News.
BBC Anchor:
Entertainment News is an abomination!
Wendy Van Peel:
Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!
Jill Jansen:
Today's celebrity birthdays: None. Today's celebrity deaths: All you dick-licks!
Brian Fantana:
I like how they're put together.
Champ Kind:
I like fighting girls.
Jill Jansen:
I like to cunt-punt cowboys.
Wendy Van Peel:
You eat pussy?
Jill Jansen:
You're gonna.
Scott Riles: [Canada News Team shouts]
HEEEEYYY! There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian News Team.
Quebec News Anchor:
What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
Scott Riles:
Give it a rest, eh?
Champ Kind:
Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
Scott Riles:
We're gonna mop the floor with ya! We're gonna put the boots to ya! Sorry.
Quebec News Anchor:
Sorry. We're gonna gouge yer eyes out, and kick yer head in!
Scott Riles and Quebec News Anchor:
Sorry!
Brick Tamland: [[w:Canada Dry|your ginger ale]
...I like ]!
Jeff Bullington: [[w:ESPN|ESPN]
Jeff Bullington, ], all sports. Tonight's Play of the Day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body!
Brian Fantana:
Holy shit, there's a lot of news!
Ron Burgundy:
It's true, the market has become saturated.
History Network Host: [History Network team shouts]
Hey! The History Network wants in on this. We're news too! Only news told much, much later!
Ron Burgundy: [[w:Stonewall Jackson|Stonewall Jackson]
Wait a minute, is that the ghost of ] with you?
History Network Host: [[w:Minotaur|minotaur]
Yes, it is. And the mighty ]!
Jack Lime:
Eh, I don't know about this, man. The minotaur isn't even history. It's mythology!
Ron Burgundy:
Hey, let's not downplay the fact that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
Ghost of Stonewall Jackson:
May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.
Mack Tannen:
You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?
Ron Burgundy:
Mack Tannen? What are you doing here, you're too old for this!
Mack Tannen:
Well, you see, there's the thing: When there's an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!
Champ Kind:
He's on our side, right Ron?
Ron Burgundy:
He's a were-hyena!
Wesley Jackson: [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson; [w:Michael Jackson's Thriller|video idea]
I'm gonna call ], I got a ]!
Ron Burgundy:
Alright, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return! People will die!
Jill Jansen: [Quietly]
I'm so horny right now.
Ron Burgundy:
Some will be disfigured! In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual: No touching of the hair and face!
Scott Riles:
C'mon! What do we look like, rookies?
Scott Riles and Quebec News anchor:
Sorry.
Ron Burgundy:
When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
El Trousias: [Blows her horn]
I am El Trousias! Hear my sirens song!
Jeff Bullington:
El Trousias...the juiciest, hmm!
El Trousias: [Finishes blowing her horn]
...That means you can start.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bats Referred to as Chicken of the Cave
Champ Kind:
They call bats, "Chicken of the cave.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Beliefs on Chicken and the Census
Champ Kind:
I believe in two things: Chicken, and that the census is a way for the UN to make your children gay.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating the Greatness of a City
Wes Mantooth:
The greatest city in the history of the Earth.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Mistakes in San Diego
Wes Mantooth:
You made one mistake today. You messed with somebody from San Diego.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Uncertainty in Predicting Jelly Bean Quantities
Brick Tamland:
I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if I'm wrong.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mispronunciation of San Diego Explained
Ron Burgundy:
It's pronounced Sawn Dee-Ayy-Go.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Child's Discomfort with Tooth Fairy's Appearance
Ron Burgundy:
The Tooth Fairy's exposed breast made the child uncomfortable.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Foot Rub from Andre the Giant
Ron Burgundy:
Andre the Giant gave a surprising nimble foot rub.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Loneliness Drives Unusual Companionship Choices
Ron Burgundy:
I'm so lonely, I paid a hobo to spoon with me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Astrological Appeal in Unlikely Comparisons
Ron Burgundy:
If you've got an ass like the North Star, wise men are gonna want to follow it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Identity and Abilities
Ron Burgundy:
I'm not trying to be funny, but are you sure he's not a midget with a learning disability?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ron Burgundy's Memorable Exclamation
Ron Burgundy: [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]
By the hymen of ]!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ron Burgundy's Ignorance of NBA Players
Ron Burgundy: [[Julius Caesar]
Who the hell is ]? You know I don't follow the NBA!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
