Army of Darkness (1993) - Quotes

Taglines: They move. They breathe. They suck.

Taglines: 1 man, 1 million dead, the odds are just about even.

Taglines: Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas

Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.

Possessed woman: Who the hell are you?!

Ash: [cocks rifle; then a fight breaks out, and he shoots the Possessed Woman in the stomach makes her fly backwards and lands on her feet] Name's Ash. Housewares.

Possessed Woman: [Looks at seeing a hole in her stomach, then gets mad and looks at Ash] I'll swallow your soul!

Ash: Come get some.

Possessed Sheila: You found me beautiful once...

Ash: Honey, you got reeeal ugly!

Scout: My Lord, an army of the dead gather in the wilderness, and they approach the castle.

Lord Arthur: How far from here?

Scout: Bout two days ride.

Lord Arthur: Then these winged ones are only the first of them.

Wiseman: Perhaps we should leave this place as soon as possible?

Man 1: We can be safe in the hills!

Man 2: Yes, the mountains!

Wiseman: It is written, Arthur! It is been foretold!

Man 1: They'll take our souls!

Man 2: I'm afraid!

Man 1: They'll swallow our souls!

Man 2: And we're about to DIE!

Ash: That's it. Go ahead and run! Run home and cry to mama! Me? I'M THROUGH RUNNING! I say we stay here and fight it out.

Lord Arthur: Are all men from the future loudmouthed braggarts?!

Ash: Nope. Just me, baby. Just me.

Wiseman: When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?

Ash: Yeah, basically.

Wiseman: Did you speak the exact words?!

Ash: Look, maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no, but basically I said them, yeah!

Wiseman: Dung-eating fool! Thou hast doomed us all! When thou misspoke the words, the army of the dead awoke!

Ash: Now whoa, whoa, whoa right there, spinach-chin!

Ash: What are you? Are you me?

Evil Ash: What are do? Are you me?" HAHAHOOHOOHOOHOO! You sound like a jerk!

Ash: Why ya doin this, huh?

Evil Ash: [doing a taunting dance; begins to sucker-punch Ash; honks] Oh, you wanna know? Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody TWO-SHOES! Little goody TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE! LITTLE GOODY TWO-SHOES! HEHEHE--

Ash: [fires shotgun at "Evil Ash"] Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun.

Ash: [cocks shotgun, points it under "Evil Ash"'s nose and fires] I ain't that good.

Ash: [attacked by miniature versions of himself] Oh, you little bastards! All right! I'll crush each and every one of ya! I'll crush you to PIECES, I'm telling ya! I'll squash you so hard, you'll have to look up to look down--

Mini Ash: [drops a bucket down onto his head] Hey, dumbass!

Wiseman: This path will lead you to an unholy place, a cemetery. There, the Necronomicon awaits. When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite the words "Klaatu Barada Nikto".

Ash: Klaatu Barada Nikto." Okay...

Wiseman: Well, repeat them.

Ash: [exasperated] Klaatu Barada Nikto".

Wiseman: Again!

Ash: I GOT IT, I GOT IT! I know your damn words, all right?! Now you get this straight, the both of ya: if I get that book, you send me back. After that, I'm history.

Duke Henry: You're not one of my vassals... who are you?

Ash: Who wants to know?

Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northland and leader of its peoples.

Ash: Well, hello, Mister Fancypants! I've got news for you, pal, you ain't leadin but two things right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.

Evil Ash: [after being burned and reduced to a skeleton by Ash] I got a bone to pick with you!

Evil Ash: [fighting Ash] I'll spoil those good looks!

Evil Ash: [jaw dislocates; he relocates it; jaw dislocates again; he relocates it again] OOH, YOU MISERABLE BAGS OF BONES! PICK YOURSELVES UP, AND SALLY Fagghh- SALLY Fagghh- ...sally forth.

Evil Ash: Dig, damn you! Dig faster! I shall command every worm-infested son of a bitch that ever died in battle!

Ash: How about some hot chocolate? huh?

Ash: [Last Lines (Director's Cut)] Oh God...! No! NO! I SLEPT TOO LOOOOOOONG!!!!!!

Ash: [Last Lines (Theatrical Cut)] Hail to the king, baby!

Ash: [final monologue] Sure I could've stayed in the past. Could've even been king. But in my own way, I am king.

Ash: [sets "Evil Ash" on fire, then swings towards him on a rope; kicks him off the castle wall] TALLY HOOOO!

Ash: [crushing skeletons with boulders] OH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT!

Ash: Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth!

Ash: [clears his throat into his hand, then pauses] Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N Okay... that's it!

Ash: Three books? Wait a minute... hold it. Nobody said anything about three books! Ooh, that stinkin wiseman! He was so busy fillin me full of his secret little words and his phrases and his BULLSHIT, that he never said anything about this!

Ash: Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun.

Ash: [about to kiss Sheila] Gimme some sugar, baby.

Ash: It's a trick. Get an axe.

Ash: Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!

Ash: [spits out grape seed] First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

Ash: [continuing nonchalantly; yells, shoots at the pit Deadite, then shoots again] All right, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my BOOMSTICK! It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart: shop S-Mart... YA GOT THAT?! Now I swear, the next one of you primates even touches me...

Ash: [now Ash is in a flashback; back to monologue; Flashback: Ash and Linda at the cabin; something crashes through the window of the cabin and Linda screams; Ash is seen cutting off his hand; Ash gets pulled into the vortex holding onto the doorway] My name is Ash, and I am a slave. As close as I can figure, the year is 1300 AD, and I'm being dragged to my death. Wasn't always like this. I had a real life once, a job. Hardware, aisle twelve. Shop smart: shop S-Mart! I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda. Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. It took Linda, and then it came for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. But that didn't stop it. It came back... Big time. For God's sake! How do you stop it?!