Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002) - Quotes

Taglines: A New Breed of Evil.

Taglines: What do you call a swinger old enough to be your father? Daddy!

Taglines: He's still evil... He's still deadly... and he's still surrounded by frickin idiots!

Scott: [laughs evilly, now bald like Dr. Evil, then doing the disco dance] I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers!

Fat Bastard: [now skinny] Hey Powers!

Austin: Fat Bastard? But you're not fat anymore.

Fat Bastard: I went on the Subway diet. Y'know, just like Jared. I've lost 180 pounds.

Austin: Congratulations, baby.

Fat Bastard: Thank you. I do have a little bit of excess skin, though. Bit of a problem here, you know. And unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina.

Foxxy: [he stands up] Goldmember. You're under arrest, sugar.

Goldmember (John Travolta): [bites off the skin; the camera pulls out to reveal a movie theater. Austin, Foxxy, Dr. Evil, and Mini-Me were in the audience while enjoying their film; showing off some groovy dance moves] Hey, assholes! Do I have time for a last smoke and a pancake or what? I am from Holland! Isn't that weird?!

Austin: You know, Dr. Evil, most people think you were crazy.

Dr. Evil: I know.

Austin: [to the camera; smiles] Now I can see you're nuts. I thank you.

Goldmember: [laughs] Not so fast, shmarty-pants! Dr. Evil, you might not want to destroy the world, but I doooo! Preparation H goes ahead as planned. I'm going to flood the Earth!

Foxxy: [points her gun at Goldmember] Think again, Goldmember!

Goldmember: Ahh! Foxxy Cleopatra! It's a shame I had to kill your partner. Too bad for you-hoo!

Foxxy: [holds the key in her hand] Too bad for me? How bout too bad for you?

Goldmember: [in terror] Oh, no! (Foxxy drops the key into the shark tank)

Goldmember: [panics; turns around and removes his genitals, turns around, and reveals another key] No-ho-ho! No-ho-ho-ho! (composes himself) Luckily, I keep a shpare. Look, every-vone! My vinky was a key!

Nigel: [in contempt] Only a bloody Dutchman.

Johnson: Sir, Dr. Evil's not bluffing. One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.

Colonel: Which one?

Johnson: It's the one that looks like a pair of-

Woman: [holds two melons in front of her] Melons! Big juicy melons!

Man: Are they nice and firm?

Woman: Well, what do you think?

Man: [points to the sky] Look at that! It looks like a set of giant-

2nd "T" Man: Hey! A and N, you're late!

A" Man: How we doin’, man?!

All 6 men: Yeah! GO, TITANS!! Yeah!

A" Man: Check it out! Those remind me of-

Ozzy: Boobs!

Sharon: Boobs, Ozzy?

Ozzy: [bleep] These filmmakers are just ing boobs!

Kelly: What do you mean, Dad?

Ozzy: [bleep; [Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me|last Austin Powers movie] Well, they're usin the same ing joke they did in the ].

Sharon: [bleep] What ing joke?

Jack: [bleep] You know, the ing joke about the long, smooth rocket that looks like some guy's-

Colonel: Johnson?

Johnson: Yes, sir?

Colonel: Any sign of that satellite?

Johnson: No, sir. It's gone.

Dr. Evil: Get me the World Organization!

Colonel: [sounding fed up] What is it, Dr. Evil?

Foxxy: [reads; Mini-Me hands her another note; Mini-Me hands het the last note] Are you a clone of an angel?" Ohhh how sweet. No, my mini-man, I'm not. "Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?" Yes, I'm sure. "Would you like to?

Austin: [but stops and sees Foxxy's reaction] That is so not funny.

Number Three: Mini-Me has...switched sides.

Austin: [realizes; looks at Mini-Me; waves; Mini-Me shrugs; looks back at Number Three; covers his mouth] Oh! Oh! Sorry about that, old chap. Welcome aboard. My mole-stake.

Number Three: [Austin shakes head; sighs] What? Look, just get it out of your system.

Austin: No, I'm fine.

Number Three: I insist. We can work better if you just-

Austin: [losing it; calming down] MOLE! Bloody mole! We're not supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face! I'm gonna chop it off, cut it up, and make some guaca-moley!

Number Three: Better?

Austin: [takes plant branch and pokes Number Three's mole with it] Yeah.

Goldmember: Breaker-breaker one-niner, this is Goldie Wang. Over.

Dr. Evil: Ten-four there, Goldie Wang. This is Rubber Duckie. What's your ten-twenty? Over.

Goldmember: I've got Preparation H in my rear and Shmokey the Bear on my back pocket. We got us a convoy. Over.

Dr. Evil: Yee-haw! Copy that, you son of a bitch, pile of monkey nuts.

Japanese Man 1: Run! It's Godzilla!

Japanese Man 2: It only looks like Godzilla, but due to International Copyright Laws, it's not.

Man 1: Still, we should run like it is Godzilla!

Man 2: [looking at the camera, breaking the fourth wall] Though it isn't.

Mr. Roboto: [I am president of Roboto Industries. My name is Mr. Roboto.] Watashi wa Roboto Industries no shachōdesu. Watashinonamaeha Mr. Robotodesu.

Austin: [Thank you, Mr. Roboto; in English; to the audience] Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. I thank you.

Foxxy: [Thank you for seeing us on such short notice.] Kyūna go renraku nimokakawarazu go raiten itadaki arigatōgozaimashita.

Austin: [surprised] You speak Japanese?

Foxxy: A little.

Austin: [both laugh, then he turns to Mr. Roboto] Well, you might be a cunning linguist. but I'm a master debater. I'm looking for my father. He was kidnapped.

Mr. Roboto: [holds out a mushroom to Austin; Please eat some shit.] Shītake o tabete kudasai.

Austin: Please eat" what?!

Foxxy: [removes the white cups revealing rest of subtitle] Wait. He said: "Please eat some shiitake mushrooms".

Austin: Tell me, what do you know about my father's where...about...s?

Mr. Roboto: [walks up to his bookcase; Your ass is happy.] Hmm... Anata no ninmu wa fukōna monodesu.

Austin: Your ass is happy"?

Foxxy: [pulls down a bookcase cover, revealing the rest of the subtitle] No. He said: "Your assignment is an unhappy one".

Austin: Oh!

Mr. Roboto: [to a Japanese woman in white; I have a huge rod.] Nezumi no mondai ga shinkokudesu.

Austin: Nice potty-mouth, dirt bag!

Mr. Roboto: [moves away from woman, revealing ''I have a huge rodent problem''.] Nezumi no mondai ga shinkokudesu.

Austin: Oh.

Mr. Roboto: [A little off the topic but unfortunate nonetheless.] Sukoshi hanashi ga soremasuga, zan'nen'na kotodesu.

Austin: Yes. Quite off-topic, thank you very much.

Mr. Roboto: Why don't I just-a speak in English?

Austin: [long pause, looks at the camera and winks] That would be a good idea, now, wouldn't it? That way, I wouldn't misread the subtitles, making it look like you're saying things that are dirty.

Mr. Roboto: I'm sorry to hear about your father, but I can't help you. Please excuse me, I have another appointment.

Austin: [standing in the doorway; I have a huge rod...I wish.; closes the door, whispers quietly to Foxxy] By the way, Kyodaina roddo o mottemasu...hoshīdesu. Mr. Roboto is lying to us.

Foxxy: [sarcastically] Tell me somethin I don't know.

Austin: I open-mouth kissed a horse once.

Foxxy: Say what?

Austin: That's something you don't know.

Dr. Evil: [Scott moves to get up; Number Two moves to get up; Frau moves to get up; Goldmember moves to get up; camera cuts to various henchmen around the sub; awkward silence, as everyone turns to look as Mini-Me] Alright, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out! Everyone out, come on! Not you, Scottie. Not you, Number Two. Not you, Frau. Not you, Goldmember. Not you guys back there. Not you, henchman holding wrench. Not you, henchman arbitrarily turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something. Oooh, this is uncomfortable.

Goldmember: Haha, the tiny one can't take a hint! He doesn't understand he is shmall, haha.

Fat Bastard: [beat; farts] Well to be honest with you, I've been trying to go legit. I really take my sumo wrestling seriously, you know. But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair, will always be tragically skewed.

Austin: Did you just soil yourself?!

Fat Bastard: Maybe. It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell, all right? Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Alright, analysis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Oh that could gag a maggot! I smell like hot sick ass in a dead carcass! Ooh, even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!

Austin: [gets off the basket, feeling disgusted with dirty sumo diapers, accidentally reveals himself] You really are a Fat Bastard!

Fat Bastard: [mumbles; notices Foxxy; rubs his breasts erotically; moans] You know, that hurts my feelings. I tried going on a diet. "The Zone", you know, "carbs are the enemy, and... Hey, who's your friend? Oh, I'd like to have a go with that filly. Do you find me sexy? Oh look at my titties!

Foxxy: [snarky] Shut yo mouth!

Nigel: [to Mini-Me; Mini-Me nods unsure; Mini-Me unzips his pants] So, little fella, I'm curious. Is everything in proportion? You know, your bobby dangler, giggle stick, your general-two-colonels, master of ceremonies...Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look. My lord! You're a tripod. What you been feeding that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!

Frau Farbassina: LOWER THE GLOBE!!!!

Dr. Evil: Ow! Ow!

Goldmember: Scheiße!

Dr. Evil: [now stuck; Number 2 pulls the globe off his head; Goldmember chuckles] Well, congratulations, numb-nuts! You've succeeded in turning me into a frickin Jack-in-the-Box! Get it off, get it off! It's dark, it's dark! Okay, I'm okay. Release the meteor!

Frau Frabassina: RELEASE THE METEOR!!!!

Dr. Evil: [falls over] Ohh! Oh! Ohh, no way!

Goldmember: Right in the kinicke.

Dr. Evil: [to Mini-me who shrugs afterwards; whispers; normally; sits back down in his moving chair] God damn it! Oh! Guys! Way to go, a-hole! Alright, hold on while I try and find my balls, for God's sakes. 1, 2, and 3. Okay, I'm okay.

Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we have the ultimate inshurance polishy. May I preshent to you, the very shexual, the very toit, Austin Power's fahza!

Dr. Evil: His what?

Number 2: His fazha, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: [Number 2 nods] His farjer? What's a farjer?

Goldmember: His fazha, ya know the fazha.

Dr. Evil: Yeah, Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv-boy?

Goldmember: Fazha, his dad. Dad is fazha.

Dr. Evil: [realizes] Oh, his dad. Oh! His father.

Goldmember: Yes, I have a Dutch accent. Isn't that weird?

Dr. Evil: Father, Father. Ah, Nigel Powers.

Nigel: [enters with the guards; slaps Frau on her rear] Hello, hello. Ha-ha-ha.

Dr. Evil: Bring him to me.

Nigel: [the two guards listen; karate chops on 2 guards] Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy. Oh, put the guns down. Is-is this the first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes, you attack me, one at a time, and I knock you out with a single punch. Okay? Go. Judo chop!

Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.

Nigel: [to third guard; the third guard nods; the third guard nods again; the third guard complies; handgun chambers behind Nigel] Do you know who I am? Have you any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years? And look at you, you haven't even got a name tag. You got no chance. Why don't you just fall down? Go on, son. All right, Dr. Evil, give yourself up while you still got a chance. Okay, okay, you got me.

Dr. Evil: Nigel Powers, I'd like you to meet Mini-me.

Nigel: [looks down at Mini-me] Oh, blimey! I thought I smelled cabbage.

Dr. Evil: Take him away!

Goldmember: Uh-uh, Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, ya know?

Dr. Evil: [piloting his chair over to Goldmember, and swivels it to look at him] How bout NO, you crazy Dutch bastard?!

Goldmember: [picking a piece of skin off his back] Oh yesh. Yesh yesh yesh yesh. This is a keeper.

Dr. Evil: [Goldmember eats a piece of skin; disgusted] Alright, you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you? You did. Okay, that's just gross.

Goldmember: Yesh, shalty. Yesh, that was good.

Dr. Evil: [nobody laughs] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seamen! Nothing? Not even a titter? Tough sub...

Foxxy: Basil, what's happenin', baby?

Basil: A lot is happening, Foxxy. Dr. Evil has escaped! The good news is that one of our agents has managed to infiltrate Dr. Evil's organization.

Austin: Excellent, Basil. We've been trying for years to get a mole into Dr. Evil's lair; we now have that mole.

Basil: : Yes! Ah, and here he is.

Austin: [zooms up on the mole's mole] So you're the... mo-o-ole, mo-o-o-le...

Foxxy: Mo-ost, most...most excellent agent we've ever seen.

Austin: Yes, most...excellent...agent...we've...ever seen.

Foxxy: Mm-hmmm.

Austin: [quietly to Foxxy] Thank you.

Number Three: [awkward pause] Thank you. Now, I wasn't able to get an exact location, but I did learn that Dr. Evil has moved to a new lair outside of Tokyo, Japan. By the way, I realize that I have a large mole on my face.

Austin: [laughs nervously] Where? What? Where's that mole? I...didn't see one.

Number Three: I also realize the irony that I am myself...a mole.

Austin: [nervously; he and Foxxy look at each other] No one would make that connection.

Basil: [to Number Three] Anyway, well done, old chap. Jolly good work.

Austin: Yes, nice to mole you - meet you! Nice to meet your mole. Don't say "mole".

Foxxy: Stop it.

Austin: I said "mole".

Foxxy: Stop!

Number Three: Bye.

Austin: [Basil and Number Three approach the elevator; Basil holds up his finger] Mole. Mo-ole... Mole!

Basil: [irritated; leaves] OH, SHUT UP!

Austin: [tries to hold it in, but cannot] Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!

Austin: You're insane, Goldmember.

Goldmember: [mutters] And that's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it. KC and the Sunshine Band.

Nigel: All right Goldmember. Don't play the laughing boy. There's only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.

Goldmember: [insulted; the girls grab Nigel; mutters] What? Take the fahza away! Dutch hater. And now, it is time to say goodbye. Dr. Evil's orders. Which, for you, is Bad News Bears. Walter Matthau.

Goldmember: Would you like a shmoke und a pancake?

Austin: ...What?

Goldmember: [Austin shakes head; Austin shakes head again; again] A shmoke und a pancake. You know, a flapjack und a shigarette? No? Shigar und a waffle? No? Pipe und a crepe? No? Bong und a blintz?

Austin and Nigel: No.

Goldmember: Well, then there ish no pleashing you.

Austin: [quietly] That's not right.

Austin: What's wrong with your neck?

Nigel: I took a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours.

Austin and Nigel: Ah, thank you!

Austin: Listen, dad, if you are gonna talk about naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English.

Nigel: [looks back at the girls; Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.] All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China.

Austin: [Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?] Are you telling pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur?

Nigel: [What, alone?] What, billy no mates?

Austin: [Indeed.] Too right, youth.

Nigel: [Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?] Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint?

Austin: [The insane one?] Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens!

Nigel: [She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.] Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears!

Austin: [A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck; inaudiably; ????????...] She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and...

Austin and Nigel: -St. Regis tea kettle!

Nigel: And then, and then-

Austin and Nigel: [laugh] She shat on a turtle! Good times, good times.

Goldmember: Welcome to noonteen sheventy five, Austin Powers and Fahza!

Austin: How can I find this Goldmember?

Dr. Evil: Quid pro quo, Mr. Powers.

Austin: Yes. Squid pro row.

Dr. Evil: I give you Goldmember, you give me a transfer to a regular prison, so that I can be with my beloved Mini-Me.

Young Dr. Evil: [checking the class rankings] Hey everybody, I'm #1!

Young Number 2: Hello. I'm Number 2.

Young Dr. Evil: [laughs evilly] Pleased to meet you, Number 2. But now, I'm finally going to be this year’s international man of mystery!

Boy: [off screen; throws a cupcake at Dr. Evil] Shut your gob!

Young Dr. Evil: [the students laugh] Ow! Who throws a cupcake? Honestly.

Basil: [to the sailors; to Austin] Austin, these men were assigned to guard your father. Okay, chaps. Chins up, trousers down. I think we may have found a clue.

Austin: Cor blimey! All your privates have had their privates painted gold! How bizarre! Imagine, gilded tally-whackers, golden wedding tackle, 14-karat trouser snakes.

Basil: That's enough.

Austin: Okay. Basil, there's only one person in the world who truly understands the psychology of a madman.

Austin and Basil: [look at the camera] Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: [Scott snickers] Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call...Preparation H. What?

Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.

Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, did you want some ice cream?

Scott Evil: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.

Dr. Evil: [Somewhat confused] Perhaps later.

Number 2: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.

Dr. Evil: Yeah, eh?

Frau Farbissina: Ja, Doktor. It's a really good plan.

Dr. Evil: [Scott laughs] Yes Frau, on the whole I think Preparation H feels good. What is it now?

Scott Evil: No, nothing, I agree. Preparation H does feel good...on the hole.

Dr. Evil: [laughs evilly] Well, I’m glad we're sprechen Sie the same lingitty, ja. Ladies and gentlemen, using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future. And the best part of this plan is...no one can stop me. Not even...Austin Powers.

Austin Powers: [arrives with a gun; the police aim their guns at Dr. Evil and Mini-Me] Not so fast. You're surrounded, Doctor Evil.

Dr. Evil: [defeated once again] Shit.

Austin (Tom Cruise): [takes off his glasses] Yeah Baby!

Dixie (Gwyneth Paltrow): [walks up to him; "Gwyneth Paltrow as Dixie Normous" appears] Hi I'm Dixie, Dixie Normous. I may just be a small town FBI agent slash single mother, but I'm still tough, and sexy.

Austin (Cruise): Well, Miss Normous, shall we shag now, or shag later?

Dixie (Paltrow): Oh, Austin, Behave!

Dr. Evil (Kevin Spacey): [they look at him; "Kevin Spacey as Dr. Evil" appears] Hey, Powers! You better watch your friggin self because this is one doctor who does make house-calls. Right, mini-me?

Mini-me (Danny Devito): [flipping the bird while smoking a cigar; "Danny DeVito as Mini-Me" appears; fires an automatic assault rifle in the air] Hey, assholes! I'm right over here! I'm Mini-me! Come and get me!

Steven Spielberg: So Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?

Austin: [laughs] Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest filmmaker in the history of cinema is making a mooovie about my life. Very shagadelic, baby. Yeah! Having said that, I do have some thoughts.

Steven Spielberg: [holds up an Oscar] Really? My friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.

Austin: [holds up the word 'mojo'; blows the word into colorful dust] Well, no offense, Sir Stevie... ...but you've gotta have mojo baby. Yeah! Hit it!