Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) - Quotes

Fagina: How dare you break wind before me?

Vanessa: [giggling] Always wanting to have fun, Austin. That's you in a nutshell.

Austin: [acts as if he were in a nutshell; Vanessa cracks up laughing] No, this is me in a nutshell. "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this nutshell? Look at the size of this bloody great big nutshell. What sort of shell has a nut like this? This is crazy." You're smashed.

Vanessa: No, I'm not.

Austin: Yes, you are.

Vanessa: [after a moment of silence] No, I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm always the designated driver. Oh, kiss me.

Austin: I can't, darling.

Vanessa: Why not?

Austin: Cause you're drunk. It's not right.

Vanessa: [going to sleep] No, I'm not drunk. I'm just beginning to see what my Mummy was talking about all those years ago.

Austin: I can't. She was very groovy. Your dad loved her very much. If there was one other cat in this world that could have loved her and treated her as well as your dad, well, it was me. But unfortunately, for yours truly, that train has sailed.

Austin: That's Dr. Evil's cat!

Vanessa: How can you tell?

Austin: I never forget a pussy...cat.

Vanessa: Hello, Mummy?

Mrs. Kensington: Oh, hello, Vanessa. And how's Austin?

Vanessa: He's asleep.

Mrs. Kensington: You didn't.

Vanessa: No! I made him sleep on the sofa.

Mrs. Kensington: Vanessa, I'm proud of you.

Vanessa: Why?

Mrs. Kensington: Because you've managed to resist Austin Powers charms.

Vanessa: [laughs] Oh, well, God knows he tried, Mummy. I actually had to end up being rather firm with him. What about his teeth? It's really bizarre.

Mrs. Kensington: Darling, you have to understand, in Britain in the 60s, you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter.

Vanessa: Did you ever?

Mrs. Kensington: Me? No, of course not. I was married to your father.

Vanessa: Did you ever want to?

Mrs. Kensington: Austin is very charming, very debonair. He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines. Women want him, and men want to be him. Every bit an international man of mystery.

Vanessa: Yeah, well, you didn't answer my question, Mummy.

Mrs. Kensington: I know. Let me just say this: Austin was the most loyal and...caring friend I ever had. I will always love him.

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!

Number Two: [clears his throat] Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.

Dr. Evil: [pause] Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info. Okay, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless...the world pays us...a hefty ransom?

Number Two: [clears his throat again] That, also, already has happened.

Dr. Evil: [pause; dramatically] Shit. Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachestan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan: We get the warhead, and we hold the world ransom for... $1,000,000!

Number Two: [clears throat] Well, don't you think we should ask for more than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over $9 billion a year.

Dr. Evil: Really?

Number Two: Mmm-hmm.

Dr. Evil: [pause] That's a lot more. Okay, then. We hold the world ransom for...$100...billion!

Austin: [drowning O'Brien; still drowning him] Who...does...Number 2 work for?! Who...does Number 2...work for?!

Cowboy (Tom Arnold): [next to the stall; O'Brien starts noisily drowning; O'Brien is still noisily drowning; Austin has finally drowned O'Brien, who dropped his broken Good Luck Charms. Austin walks out of the stall, and the Cowboy walks out of the other stall and finds the dead O'Brien in the toilet] That's right, buddy, you show that turd who's boss! Hey. Hey, just grab ahold of something, bite your lip, and give it hell. Come on. We're gonna get through this. Hey, that-that sounds pretty nasty. How about a courtesy flush over there? Jesus Christ, boy. What did you eat?!

Casino Dealer: 17.

Number Two: [inconspicuously scans the next card with his X-ray eye patch] Hit me.

Dealer: You have 17, sir.

Number Two: I like to live dangerously.

Dealer: [reveals the next card; turns to Austin after dealing him his next card] 4. 21. 5.

Austin: [waves his hands over his cards] I'll stay.

Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.

Austin: I also like to live dangerously.

Dealer: [flips his cards over] As you wish, sir. 20 beats your 5. I'm sorry, sir.

Austin: Well, I won't lie to you. Cards are not my bag, baby.

Austin: [to Number Two] Allow myself to introduce...myself. My name is Ritchie Cunningham, and this is my wife Oprah.

Frau: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back, we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever.

Dr. Evil: Oh, sure.

Frau: Well, after a couple of years, we...got a little impatient. Dr. Evil, I vant you to meet your son.

Dr. Evil: [shocked] My son?

Frau: [shouts] Ja. SCOTT!!!

Dr. Evil: Hello, Scott.

Scott: [confused] Hi.

Dr. Evil: I'm your father. Dr. Evil.

Scott: [scoffs; Dr. Evil approaches Scott] I haven't seen you my whole life, and now you come back and just expect a relationship? I hate you. What?

Dr. Evil: Can I have a hug?

Scott: No.

Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.

Scott: No way.

Dr. Evil: Come here.

Scott: I'm not comin over there.

Dr. Evil: Let's go.

Scott: Forget it.

Dr. Evil: Pronto.

Scott: What are you doing?

Dr. Evil: [vocalizes weirdly while he dances the Macarena] I'm with it. I'm hip. Haaa! Well, don't look at me like I'm frickin Frankenstein. Give your father a hug.

Scott: Don't touch me!

Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug!

Scott: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!

Austin: [activates a rotating bed and music; startling Vanessa] Let me ask you a question, and be honest. Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah!

Vanessa: [disgusted; to herself; Austin attempts to pull her to a rotating bed; turns off the music and rotating bed] God, I hope this is part of the unfreezing process. Ow!!! Mr. Powers! I will never have sex with you, ever. If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depends on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.

Austin: [happily confused] What's your point, Vanessa?

Dr. Evil: Patty O'Brien, ex-Irish assassin. His trademark: A superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake from his good-luck bracelet on every victim he kills. Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.

O'Brien: [Irish accent; Dr. Evil and Frau snicker and chortle respectively] Yeah. They're always after me lucky charms. What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They are after me lucky charms! What?

Frau: [German accent] It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun man! Leprechaun man! We want to get your Lucky Charms!" Oh. And there are these little, tiny pieces of marshmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So, that when the kids eat them, they think, "Oooh, this is candy, I'm having fun!".

Dr. Evil: [his face is still not shown] Gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. Its been 30 years, but I'm back. Everything's gone perfectly to plan, except one small flaw. Due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa, complications arose in the unfreezing process.

Mustafa: But my design was perfect.

Dr. Evil: [reveals that Mr. Bigglesworth is now hairless] Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth!

Mustafa: But, Dr. Evil, we were unable to anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process.

Dr. Evil: [pushes a button; Mustafa's chair tilts back dropping him into the pit of fire; his face is finally shown; Mustafa can be heard moaning from an air vent; Mustafa's moans continue] Silence! Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure. Gentlemen, lets get down to business. We've got a lot of work to do.

Mustafa: [offscreen] Someone help me! I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.

Dr. Evil: Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.

Mustafa: [offscreen] Hello, up there! Anyone?! Can someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain.

Dr. Evil: [Mustafa groans again; picks up his phone and talks to a henchman on the other line] Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet-- Excuse me. Yes, he's down there.

Henchman: [on the phone, almost inaudible] Is he dead yet?

Dr. Evil: No, not dead. Burnt, badly.

Henchman: [on the phone] Would you like me to take care of him, possibly with a gun?

Dr. Evil: Yes.

Henchman: [on the phone] Kill him?

Dr. Evil: [hangs up] Right.

Mustafa: [offscreen; a hatch is heard opening; a gunshot fires] If somebody can open the retrieval hatch, down here I can get out. See, I designed this device myself- Oh, hi. Good. I'm glad you found me. Listen. I'm very badly burned, so if you could just- You shot me!

Dr. Evil: Okay, moving on.

Mustafa: [offscreen; last words] You shot me right in the arm! Why did--?!

Dr. Evil: [after a slight pause] Right.

Clerk: One blue, crushed velvet suit.

Austin: Hey, all right!

Clerk: One frilly lace cravat.

Austin: There it is!

Clerk: [Austin shoots an alluring look at Vanessa] One silver medallion with male symbol. One pair of Italian boots.

Austin: Buongiorno, boys.

Clerk: One vinyl record album, Burt Bacharach Plays His Hits.

Austin: Right, yeah.

Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.

Austin: That's not mine.

Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger, signed by Austin Powers.

Austin: I'm telling ya, baby, that's not mine!

Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.

Austin: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!

Clerk: One book: "Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: (This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby)", by Austin Powers.

Austin: Ah.

Clerk: Just sign the form.

Austin: [laughs; leaves with Vanessa, but goes back and retrieves his enlarger pump] Okay, thank you, handy man. I'll sign here, just to get things moving. You know.

Austin: [sees the group of men; shouting] WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

Basil: [to the general] The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing.

Austin: [shouts again] Yes, I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!!

P.A.: [Austin urinates in the toilet for a long period of time; all the while, Basil looks at his watch, until Austin has stopped; Austin continues urination; stops again; trickle; trickle; trickle; slight pause; Austin continues urination] Stage 5: Evacuation beginning. Evacuation com-- Evacuation comp-- Comp-- Comp-- Evacuation comp--

Austin: I've got you now, Dr. Evil!

Dr. Evil: [his face is still not shown; Mr. Bigglesworth walks up to him in the pod; laughs evilly, closes and seals the cryogenic pod] Not this time. Come, Mr. Bigglesworth! See you in the future, Mr. Powers.

Mrs. Kensington: My God, he's freezing himself!

Basil: [narrating] And so, Dr. Evil escaped and had himself cryogenically frozen, to return at a time when free love no longer reigned, and greed and corruption ruled again.

Mrs. Kensington: [appalled] Austin, why on Earth did you hit that woman?

Austin: [pulls off wig, revealing a man in drag; crowd gasps in shock] Right. Let me show you, baby. That ain't no woman. It's a man, man. He's one of Dr. Evil's assassins.

Dr. Evil: [last lines; in his frozen chamber at the end of the film] I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! It's frickin freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a breakaway Russian republic, Kreplachistan, is about to transfer a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead, and we hold the world ransom for...$1,000,000.

Dr. Evil: There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.

Dr. Evil: Throw me a frickin bone here!

Dr. Evil: [first lines; face not shown; ejecting most of the henchmen, minus Number 2, Frau Farbassina, and Mustafa; ejecting again, minus the three same] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins. And yet, each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!! Why must I be surrounded by frickin idiots?! Mustafa, Frau Farbissina, I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of Britain's top secret agent, the only man who can stop me now. We must kill Austin Powers!

Austin Powers: [after getting hit in the head by Random Task's shoe] That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot. Who throws his shoe? Honestly. You fight like a woman.

Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix: Deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin: Deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass: Deceased, ham sandwich.

Austin Powers: Pardon me for being rude.

Austin Powers: Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?

Austin Powers: [beat] My God, Vanessa's got a fabulous body. I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell her that, because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner-monologue? I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.

Austin Powers: [at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club] It's my happening, baby, and it freaks me out!

Austin Powers: Yeah, baby, yeah!

Austin Powers: Groovy, baby!

Austin Powers: Oh, behave!