Back to School (1986) - Quotes

Father and Son Discuss Academic Challenges

Jason Melon: [[Kurt Vonnegut] Dad, why don't join me on a little reality break, ok? Just cuz you're in love with Dr. Turner, that does NOT mean you're gonna pass her course. Now, you got a major paper comin up on ]. You haven't even read any of the books.

Thornton Melon: I tried...

Thornton Melon: I don't understand a word of it.

Jason Melon: So, how you gonna write the paper then, huh?

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.: [removing his hat] Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.

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Scheduling a Meeting Amidst Classes

Dr. Turner: Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight.

Thornton Melon: Oh. How bout tomorrow night?

Dr. Turner: I have class then, too.

Thornton Melon: I'll tell you what, then. Why don't you call me some time when you have no class?

Dr. Turner: [laughs] Alright. Maybe I will.

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A Professor's Passion for History

Professor Terguson: Welcome to Contemporary American History. I'm Professor Turgeson. I know a lot of people think history is just facts, just information about the past - but not me. I hold history very sacred, sacred. The way a farmer looks at the earth and he holds it sacred, the way a Christian takes the Bible and he holds it sacred, the way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred. That's how I feel about it. So why don't we dive right in by interpreting one of the easiest events in the last twenty years of American history? Now, can someone tell me why, in 1975, we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?

Student: The failure of Vietnamization to win popular support caused an ongoing erosion of confidence in the various American but illegal Saigon regimes.

Professor Terguson: [starting to shout; [Beatles|BEATLE] Is she right? Cause I know that's the popular version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there! I wasn't here in a classroom, hoping I was right, thinking about it. I was up to my knees in rice paddies, WITH GUNS THAT DIDN'T WORK, GOING UP AGAINST CHARLIE, SLUGGING IT OUT WITH HIM, WHILE PUSSIES LIKE YOU WERE BACK HERE PARTYING, PUTTING HEADBANDS ON, DOING DRUGS, LISTENING TO THE GODDAMN ] ALBUMS! OHHHH! OHHHH! OH...!

Thornton Melon: Hey Professor, take it easy, will you? I mean, these kids, they were in grade school at the time! And me... I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover!

Professor Terguson: [chuckles; rips a desk apart] Well! I didn't know you wanted to get involved with the discussion, Mr. Helper! But since you wanna help, maybe you can help me, okay? You remember that thing we had about thirty years ago called the Korean conflict? Yeah, and how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China, THEN TAKE IT APART BRICK BY BRICK, AND NUKE THEM BACK INTO THE FUCKING STONE AGE FOREVER?! HOW COME?! TELL ME WHY! SAY IT! SAY IT!

Thornton Melon: [incensed] All right, I'll say it. Cause Truman was too much of a PUSSY WIMP to let MacArthur go in there and BLOW OUT THOSE COMMIE BASTARDS!

Professor Terguson: Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you.

Thornton Melon: [chuckling to his classmates] Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what, I have no idea.

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A Humorous Exchange About Mistakes and Generosity

Security Guard: [after Thornton Melon's run-in with a showering sorority girl] Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a a bad day...

Thornton Melon: [hands officer cash] But a great view! You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids.

Security Guard: I don't have any kids.

Thornton Melon: [hands officer more cash] No kids? Well, get yourself some. Take it all. And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!

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Favorite Subjects and Literary Assistance

Thornton Melon: What's your favorite subject?

Bubbles: Poetry.

Thornton Melon: Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.

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Identifying the Right Person in a Crowd

Player #1: Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?

Derek: [the football player picks up Derek by his shirt] Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges. Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!

Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.

Jason Melon: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?

Player #1: Shut up, meat-head!

Thornton Melon: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.

Player #1: Yeah? Wanna make something of it?

Thornton Melon: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...

Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical.

Lou: [stepping up to the player] You got a problem?

Player #1: No. I haven't got a problem.

Lou: Well, now you do.

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Class Schedule Conflicts with Personal Appointments

Thornton Melon: When's our first class?

Jason Melon: Uh, we got Economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock.

Thornton Melon: 11 o'clock? No good. I got a massage 11 o'clock. Tell em to make it 2 o'clock.

Jason Melon: No, dad. Uh, you don't get it. They're not gonna re-schedule the classes around your massage.

Thornton Melon: All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that Dean. I mean, these classes could be a REAL inconvenience.

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Critique of Modern Education and Its Students

Dr. Turner: [Thornton is buying books and treating everyone along the way] Who is that?

Dr. Phillip Barbay: That... is Mr. Thornton Mellon. The world's oldest living freshman... and the walking epitome of the decline in modern education. The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter.

Dr. Turner: Oh, I think he was just having fun.

Dr. Phillip Barbay: Oh really? I can't wait to get him in my class. We'll see just how much fun he is then.

Dr. Turner: Oh, Phillip.

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Ethics in Education and Admission Standards

Dean Martin: [Barbay has arrived at the groundbreaking of the new Melon School of Business] Ah, Phillip... so glad you could make it. Mr. Melon, this is Dr. Phillip Barbay. He's the dean of our new Melon School of Business.

Dr. Phillip Barbay: [Thornton extends his hand, Barbay refuses it and takes Martin aside] David, I just want to get it on record that I am totally against this. I don't think that selling admission to an obviously unqualified student is either ethical or honorable.

Dean Martin: Uh, right... Phil. In Mr. Melon's defense, it was a really big check.

Dr. Phillip Barbay: [glaring at Martin in dismay] It's a simple matter of undermining the efforts of our best students, who are here as the result of hard work!

Thornton Melon: [chiming in] Hard work? Listen, Sherlock! While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is cause guys like me donate buildings.

Dr. Phillip Barbay: [turns on heel and heads to his car] I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon.

Dreams of College in High School

Thornton Melon: Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it.

Jason Melon: Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?

Thornton Melon: When I used to fall asleep in high school.

Nostalgia for the Past in Home Life

Thornton Melon: Home, Sweet Home.

Lou: I liked the old house better.

Thornton Melon: So did I.

Lou: I liked the old wife better, too!

Thornton Melon: [laughs; sighs] Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday! And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.

Body Donation to Science Fiction

Thornton Melon: With the shape I'm in you could donate my body to science fiction.

Struggling with Academic Expectations and Background

Thornton Melon: Please, try to understand. I don't have the background for this. I mean, the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window!

A Humorous Take on Family Legacy

Thornton Melon: Don't mind Lou - he's only the second generation in his family to stand up straight.

A Request for Frequent Beer Refills

Thornton Melon: Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.

Confusion About Modern Women's Independence

Thornton Melon: I don't know. I can't figure women out. Today, they're... independent. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa - she used to scream out her own name!