Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker - Quotes

The Joker: [as he takes off Batman's mask and strangles him, he laughs; in a sing-song tone] C'mon, McGinnis! Laugh it up now, you miserable little punk! LAUGH! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Terry: [jabs joybuzzer into the back of the Joker's neck, As the Joker screams in pain frying the microchip and destroying the Joker forever, before Terry puts his mask back on] Ha... ha.

The Joker: [notices the satellite laser is heading for the abandoned candy factory; Turns to leave] Oh, good! The beam's headed here! Now I'll have to start all over again. Thanks for wrecking everything, kid. See ya round.

Batman: [Grabs Joker's wrist] Hold it!

The Joker: Oh wise up, junior, GAME'S OVER!

Batman: I'm taking you in!

The Joker: [laughing; punches Batman several times and throws him onto table, which breaks under his weight] Right! You're out of your league, McGinnis. I know every trick the original Batman and Robin knew at their peak.

Batman: Maybe. But you don't know a thing about me.

The Joker: YOU?! What's to know?! You're a punk! A rank amateur! A costumed errand boy taking orders from a senile old man. Still, if it's a whupping you're a-wantin'...

The Joker: [Terry closes the door, then breaks the switch to prevent escape] That's right. Better run and save yourself... it's about your speed.

Batman: Let's dance, bozo.

Batman: [To Bruce, through comlink] He's tough. Any suggestions, boss?

Bruce Wayne: Joker's vain and likes to talk. He'll try to distract you, but don't listen. Block it out and power on through.

Batman: Wait. I like to talk too.

The Joker: What're you doing?!

Batman: Fighting dirty.

The Joker: [Terry pushes the knee in further] The REAL Batman would never--

Batman: Told you, ya didn't know me.

The Joker: Funny guy...

Batman: [shoves the Joker so that his gut hits a table] Can't say the same for you.

The Joker: Impudent brat. Who do you think you're talking to?

Batman: Not a comedian, I'll tell you that.

The Joker: [draws a laser pistol; fires at Batman] Shut your mouth!

Batman: [retreats into the rafters; tosses a batarang, knocking the gun out of Joker's hand] The real Batman never talked to you much, did he? That's probably why you were so fixated on him.

The Joker: Don't play psychoanalyst with me, boy!

Batman: [hits the lights with a batarang, turning them off] Oh, I don't need a degree to figure you out. The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.

The Joker: I'm not hearing this...

Batman: Get a clue, clowny! He's got no sense of humor! He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape. Not that you ever had a good joke.

The Joker: [really getting angry] Shut up... Shut up!

Batman: I mean, joy buzzers, squirting flowers? Lame! Where's the "A" material? Make a face, drop your pants, something!

The Joker: Show yourself!

Batman: [mimics the Joker's laugh] You make me laugh. But only cause I think you're kinda pathetic.

The Joker: Stop that!

Batman: [laughs mockingly] So you fell in a tank of acid, got your skin bleached and decided to become a supervillain. What, you couldn't get work as a rodeo clown?

The Joker: [grabs some grenades] Don't you dare laugh at me!...

Batman: [laughs harder] Why? I thought the Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!

The Joker: [throwing grenades] YOU'RE NOT BATMAN!!

The Joker: [after targeting Wayne Manor; blows a raspberry at Bruce, then turns to Terry; referring to Bruce; "Bat-fart" becomes "Bat-coot" in the edited version] Adios, Brucie. I suppose I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that, but the truth is I really did hate your guts. How about you, kid? Any last words for the old Bat-fart?

Batman: Yeah. Sic im!

Terry McGinnis/Batman: Where's the Joker?

Timothy Drake: Joker?

Terry McGinnis/Batman: Drop the act, I know you are working for him.

Timothy Drake: No, Joker's gone. I don't know where he is, really.

Bruce Wayne: The suit's sensors aren't picking up any pulse fluctuations. He's telling the truth.

Timothy Drake: I don't do this anymore. I have a home and family. I gave this up years ago. Kids stuff, that's all it was.

Terry McGinnis/Batman: He may be telling the truth, but he's still wacked.

Timothy Drake: Fun and games. Boy wonder playing the hero. Fighting the bad guys and no one ever gets...(then suddenly realizes) Oh God, (puts his hands on his head) I killed him. I didn't mean to. I tried so hard to forget, but I still hear the shot, still see his dead smile. Every night, the dreams get stronger. He's there when I sleep, whispering, laughing, telling me that I'm as bad as he is! We're both the same!

Terry McGinnis/Batman: I'm calling an ambulance.

Timothy Drake: No, I'm alright. Forgive me, Terry. Old nasty memories twisting inside me like bad oysters. Nothing really. I'm perfectly fine now.

Terry McGinnis/Batman: How do you know my name?

Timothy Drake: There's nothing about you I don't know, Batfake.

Bruce Wayne: Terry!

Timothy Drake: Have a timeout, kid, can't let you spoil the party too soon. And Bruce, I'm sure you've got your monkey-boy wired somehow. That's just peachy, cause I want you to see every minute of this; it's a killer.

Bruce Wayne: My God!

The Joker: [Takes off the lab coat, showing the purple tights underneath] Ooh, I never get tired of that.

Terry McGinnis/Batman: Drake, you're the Joker?

The Joker: [does a slight chuckle; [w:Project_Cadmus|cutting-edge genetics technology; points to a dot on the back of his neck; [Justice_League_Unlimited#Epilogue|Everything that was me has been'a sleeping all comfy and cozy inside Tim Drake's subconscious; Imitating Drake's voice; Goes back to his own voice] That flabby oaf doesn't realize I'm using him as a timeshare. Beneath this puckish exterior lies the mind of a genius years ahead of my time. In the weeks young Robin was under my tutelage, I used him as the subject of my greatest experiment: utilizing ], which I had pinched here and there, I encoded my DNA on a microchip and set it into BirdBoy's BirdBrain, here. ]. At first I had to limit the time I spent in Drake's body. He's not aware of what I do, chalking up lingering memories to bad dreams. If his family misses him, I simply call wifey and tell her, "I'm working late, honey." The changes come at will now, and soon I'll be strong enough to live in this body permanently. Mr. J's on the rebound, baby! My comeback party's gonna set the whole town on fire!

Bruce Wayne: That's why I didn't want you going up against the Joker. Imposter or not.

Bruce Wayne: Robin did shoot him.

Bruce Wayne: It can't be.

The Joker: [whispers] Oh no. Your old eyes do not deceive you, Brucie! After all, who'd know me better than you?

Terry McGinnis: It's funny. I know about all your other major enemies, but you never mention him. He was the biggest, wasn't he?

Bruce Wayne: It wasn't a popularity contest. He was a psychopath. A monster.

Terry McGinnis: So how is it possible he could still be around after all this time?

Bruce Wayne: It's not possible. He died years ago.

Terry McGinnis: You're sure?

Bruce Wayne: [shortly] I was there.

Dana: Terry, my head's on fire.

Terry: [takes the hand of another girl, his eyes are closed] You look good.

Dana: [angry] MCGINNIS!!

Terry: Sorry, babe. Guess the day was longer than I thought.

Terry: [[w:Captain America|Suspended animation after being frozen in a block of ice?] So... The Joker, huh? Must be spry for a guy who's like... mid-eighties? Any theories on that? Clone? Robot? ]

Bruce: Shut up and drive.

Terry: Yes, sir.

Chucko: [Chucko slides the board to Joker, who is sitting across the table. Joker catches it.] Batman showed up and we had to ditch, but we were able to save this: the console's memory board. I know it's not much, but-

The Joker: [smashes the memory board] It's not much? It's nothing. Losers, all of you, a disgrace to the name Joker, why in my day...

Bonk: In your day?! Ever since you conned your way into this gang it's been "in your day" this, "in your day" that.

Chucko: [uneasily] Bonk.

Bonk: Your day is over, old man, even if you are who you say you are; and personally, I think you're a fake.

The Joker: Ah, brave new world, that has such putzes in it.

Bonk: He's got us running around, ripping out a lot of geek junk, but no cash! He won't tell us what his plan is, even if he has one! I want out!

The Joker: [Amused, the Joker pulls out a gun.; the other Jokerz gasp] If you insist...

Bonk: [scared] Hey, man, take it easy! I-I was, I was just kidding!

The Joker: [The Joker chuckles and waves the gun, then shoots the flag into Bonk's chest] So was I! Oops! No I wasn't! That's also how we did it in my day. You know, kids, a lot has changed since your old Uncle Joker's been away: new Gotham, new rules, even a new Batman. But now I'm tanned, I'm rested, and I'm ready to give this town a wedgie again! I have to know you're with me. Will you say it for me one time?

Jokerz: [terrified] We're with you!

The Joker: A little louder.

Jokerz: [louder] We're with you!

The Joker: Dee-Dee?

Dee-Dee Twins: We're with you!

The Joker: Boys?

Chucko and Ghoul: We're with you!

The Joker: [pauses and grins brightly; Dee-Dee Twins manage to get Bonk off of the table] Bonk? Oh, right. Dead! Dee-Dee, be a lamb and sweep out the trash. There's a good girls! Your renewed faith puts a smile in my heart! Let's say we forget about tonight's mishap and start over?

Chucko: Great, Boss!

The Joker: Ghoul, m'boy, we're gonna need a new systems scanner; who's got one that they'd be willing to donate?

Ghoul: Checking... What we're after is cutting edge. It's the only other place we can find one.

The Joker: [Reading off a list.; Finally finding a candidate.] Hmmm... Nope. Nuh-uh. Nope. Ah!

Ghoul: What? There? Security's gonna be tight.

The Joker: Oh, yes! But think of the fun!

Bruce Wayne: [After hitting a target with a batarang] Still got it.

Bruce Wayne: Terry. I've been thinking about something you once told me. And you were wrong. It's not Batman that makes you worthwhile; it's the other way around. Never tell yourself anything different.

Timothy Drake: I owe you big time. Bruce couldn't have chosen anyone better to put on the mask.

Timothy Drake: [turns around; Batman is gone] Me and the others gave everything, but it just wasn't enough for the old man. I used to think, if I went on long enough, someday he'd retire and I'd... ah, the heck with it. Capes, costumes, bad guys - it was kid's stuff! Bruce probably did me a favor. By the end, I was so sick of it I never wanted to see that stupid Robin suit again...! Some things never change.

Timothy Drake: [working on a communications array, not looking up; Batman decloaks] You might as well show yourself. I heard you coming a mile away. I'm no Boy Wonder anymore, but that old training never goes away, even at my age.

The Joker: [blows raspberry] Adios, Brucie; I guess I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that but the truth is, I really did hate your guts.

The Joker: [after shocking Ace; [w:Snoopy|Snoopy] End of the line, ].

The Joker: [preparing to fire the satellite laser] So where should I make Ground Zero, Gotham General, where our hero's dear little Dana is recuperating, or here, in the happy garden of Mrs. Mary McGinnis? I always think it adds resonance to a hero's mission to have some defining element of tragedy in his background, don't you? Ah, but the one and only kickoff point must be stately Wayne Manor: gone in a flash before Brucie can hobble to safety or mount a rescue, don't worry though; I'll be hitting those other spots soon enough.

The Joker: [prepares to fire the satellite laser] Aren't you the nasty tattletale, ratting me out before I have my fun? Papa spank.

The Joker: [simulation of the satellite firing down on Gotham; chuckles] This is one of Uncle Sam's orbiting defense satellites: Hyperion-class, laser armed, handy little gadget for shooting down unfriendly missiles or giving someone a world-class hotfoot. Think of it as urban tagging on a grand scale reminding all and sundry that this is Joker territory; you're welcome to try and stop us but, I'm not taking bets on that happening anytime soon, toodle.

The Joker: [to Bruce; laughing] Don't get up, Bruce, it's just an old friend come by to say hello. Hello, Batman.

The Joker: [to Bruce] Oh no, your old eyes do not deceive you, Brucie; after all, who'd know me better than you?

The Joker: [meeting the new Batman] Ah, the new boy: ears are too long and I miss the cape but not too shabby, not too shabby at all; Woof.

The Joker: [laughs] Hello Gotham, Joker's back in town.

The Joker: You know, kids, a lot has changed while your old uncle Joker's been away: new Gotham, new rules, even a new Batman; but now I'm tanned, I'm rested, and I'm ready to give this old town a wedgie again.

Batman (Terry McGinnis): [to Ace] Good Batdog.

Batman (Terry McGinnis): I hate to say it, but I think your little Robin's turned into a bitter old crow.

Batman (Terry McGinnis): [after the Jokerz's vehicle crashes] That ain’t coming out of my allowance.

Batman (Terry McGinnis): [to the Jokerz] It's a school night, boys and girls. I'm gonna have to call your folks.