Batman: The Dark Knight Returns - Quotes

Lola Chang: Funeral proceedings are underway today for Bruce Wayne, as Gotham City still reels from last week's spectacular revelation that the world-famous billionaire was the Batman. All of Wayne's secrets, his methods and tools and his decades as the Batman, died with him as Wayne Manor burned to the ground. The fire was apparently set by his butler, who himself died of a stroke at the scene. Every penny of Wayne's wealth, all of his accounts and financial holdings, have also disappeared.

Selina Kyle: You've got some nerve showing up here! I know who killed him, damn you!

James Gordon: [to Clark, as Selina leaves sobbing] Selina, don't. It's no use. Let's go. Were you a friend?

Clark Kent: I think so. I honestly couldn't say.

James Gordon: [leaves] Sounds about right.

Batman: You're feeling it now, aren't you? What the rest of us live with every day. Your own mortality. Don't worry, you'll survive. The kryptonite will work its way out of your lungs soon enough.

Superman: Bruce... your heart...!

Batman: But I didn't have to go easy on you. A different binding agent, a stronger mix. I want you to remember that, I wanted to remind you to stay out of my way. In all the years to come, in your most private moments, I want you to remember the one man who beat you.

Superman: Bruce!

Superman: What are you doing?! Do you want me to kill you?

Batman: Oh, you're not going to kill me. Now!

Batman: It wasn't easy to make, Clark. It took years and cost a fortune. Luckily, I had both.

Batman: You say you answer to some sort of authority. They only want me dead because I'm an embarrassment. Because I do what they can't. What kind of authority is that?

Superman: It doesn't matter. It's their world, and they won't stand for you anymore. If it isn't me, it'll just be someone else.

Batman: Really? Who do they send after you?

Superman: We don't have to do this.

Batman: Sure we do.

Superman: Bruce, be reasonable. You know what my orders are.

Batman: Your "orders"?

Batman: [he hurls Joker against the wall] No more! All the people I've murdered... by letting you live.

The Joker: [spits blood] I never kept count.

Batman: [lifting Joker by the scruff of the neck] I did!

The Joker: I know...

The Joker: [he slashes Batman's chest; tackles Batman to the ground, raising his knife to stab] ...And I love you for it. It's finally here, isn't it? The moment we've both dreamed about!

The Joker: [feigning sympathy] Oh, don't tell me you're gonna fall asleep before we finish! You have gotten old, haven't you?

The Joker: Not quite how I imagined it, but we can still end on a high note!

The Joker: [chuckling, in a sing-song voice] You're in trouble now...

The Joker: Go ahead. Say this has never happened to you before.

Batman: Shut up.

The Joker: Make me! Come on, finish me.

The Joker: [laughing; laughs] Ahh, doesn't matter... I win. I made you lose control... ...and they'll kill you for it. See you... in hell!

David Endochrine: Joker, you've asked for a chance to share your side of things. I'm told you've killed about six hundred people. How exactly does your side of that go?

Dr. Bartholomew Wolper: Stop right there! This is a sensitive man, and I won't have him being harassed.

The Joker: [brushes Wolper's hand off his shoulder] That's alright. I want them to get me.

David Endochrine: Alright, then.

The Joker: [sips coffee from one of the show's branded mugs; the audience murmurs uneasily] That's why I'm gonna kill everyone in this room.

David Endochrine: [nervous] Okay... I think that's a little more insight than we had in mind.

Dr. Bartholomew Wolper: It's okay, he doesn't really mean that. He's just trying to ease the tension.

David Endochrine: Funny way to go about it.

Dr. Bartholomew Wolper: You have to remember, this man isn't responsible for those killings. He's merely a victim of the Batman's psychotic obsession.

The Joker: [the audience laughs] I thought I was Batman's psychotic obsession.

David Endochrine: So you think the Batman's the real sicko here.

Dr. Bartholomew Wolper: Without a doubt. He's an obsessive-compulsive, narcissistic hero-complexed sociopath. I would love a shot at him as a patient.

The Joker: [holds up coffee mug] Do guests get to keep these?

David Endochrine: Heh. Sure, you do whatever you want with it. We got a closet full of them.

The Joker: So long as you won't miss it.

The Joker: [inhales deeply, the filters his henchman provided him protecting him from the effects] Breathe, David. Breathe.

Bruce Wayne: You cost me hours of work last night.

Clark Kent: Then I'll get right to it. You have to go back into retirement. You're upsetting too many people.

Bruce Wayne: Mm-hmm.

Clark Kent: Why do you always have to be like this? You played right into their hands last time. When the parents groups and the subcommittees came after us, you're the one they pointed to. You act like a criminal!

Bruce Wayne: We are criminals, Clark. We always have been. You're still one, too. Only difference is, you have a boss.

Clark Kent: And you answer to no one. You know, we almost had this talk ten years ago, when you wouldn't go along with the deal we made. Everyone else agreed. Diana went back to her people. Hal left the planet...

Bruce Wayne: And Oliver? Did he agree?

Clark Kent: That's not how I wanted that to go.

Bruce Wayne: He was all torn up about it too.

Clark Kent: He made it necessary, like...

Bruce Wayne: Like I'm about to?

Clark Kent: Do you even remember why you retired?

Bruce Wayne: I remember.

Clark Kent: Look, either shut it down or one of these days someone with authority is gonna tell me to come stop you. And when that happens...

Bruce Wayne: When that happens? May the best man win.

Clark Kent: [hears his pager watch ping] I have to go. We'll finish this later.

Bruce Wayne: No hurry.

The President: Son, you know I like to keep you out of domestic affairs, what with all the ruckus you stir up.

Superman: Yes, sir.

The President: But, well, it's a ruckus I'd like you to straighten out. Involving a friend of yours in Gotham City. It's all well and good to have a wild bronco on the ranch now and then. Does the hands good to break him in. But if the bronco up and kicks over the fence, and gets all the other horses crazy, well, that's bad for business.

Superman: I understand, sir.

The President: Now, I'm not asking you to put him down. Not yet, anyway. But settle him. Ride him around the yard a few times, if you have to. You know what I'm asking.

Superman: Sir, I can talk to him, but...

The President: I'd just hate for things to get out of hand. You know how to get in touch with him, don't you, son?

Superman: He's not hard to find, sir.

The President: Good boy.

Mutant Leader: Batman! Show yourself! Face me fool, and I will kill you! I will show you who rules Gotham City!

Batman: Alright, son. Show me.

Commissioner Gordon: That was some stunt you pulled at the racetrack.

Bruce Wayne: It keeps the blood flowing.

Commissioner Gordon: So long as most of it stays inside you, Bruce.

Bruce Wayne: Not worried about me, are you Jim?

Commissioner Gordon: Let's just say I'm glad you survived Batman's retirement and I was hoping you'd keep it that way.

Mutants: [catchphrase] Slice and Dice!

Mutant Leader: We will kill the old man, Gordon. We will chop him, we will grind him. We will bathe in his blood. I, myself, will kill the fool Batman. I will rip the meat from his bones and suck them dry. Don't call us a gang. Don't call us criminals. We are the law. Gotham City belongs to the Mutants.

Son of Batman: [former Mutant gang member, after the defeat of their leader] The Mutants are dead. This is the new face of the law. We are the Sons of Batman. And Gotham's criminals are about to enter hell.

Commissioner Gordon: Wife made me quit the cigars.

Alfred Pennyworth: [answering the phone] One moment, it's Commissioner Gordon. No doubt calling for details on the funeral.

Alfred Pennyworth: [finding Bruce in the Batcave] Master Bruce. You set off the alarm, sir. This somnambulism is becoming a problem, especially for those of us with a penchant for sleeping at night.

Alfred Pennyworth: If it's suicide you're after, I have an old family recipe. It's slow and painful. You'd like it.

The Joker: So many faces... so few smiles.

Batman/Bruce Wayne: [to Superman] In all the years to come, in your most private moments, I want you to remember the one man who beat you.

Batman/Bruce Wayne: [to the "Sons of Batman", after the EMP blast that knocked out power in Gotham; takes a gun from one of the gang members; snaps rifle in half, shows them some batarangs] Tonight I am going to maintain order in Gotham City. You are going to help me. But not with these. These are loud and clumsy. These are the weapons of cowards. Our weapons are precise and quiet. In time I will teach them to you. But for tonight, you will rely on your brains and your fists. Tonight, we are the law. Tonight, I am the law.

Batman/Bruce Wayne: [to Mutant Leader] You don't get it, son. This isn't a mud hole. It's an operating table. And I'm the surgeon.

Batman/Bruce Wayne: [thinking to himself, about going back to being Batman] You try to hold me back, but you're weak. You know it in your soul. You're nothing but a hollow shell. A rusty trap. The time has come.