Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996) - Quotes

Martha: Yoohoo! Travis and Bob Head! Hello!

Martha: Oh, hello, there. Are you two headin for Las Vegas?

Beavis: Yeah. We're gonna score.

Martha: Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doin the slots.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?

Martha: Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.

Beavis: Whoa. Hey, Butt-head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.

Butt-head: Cool.

Martha: It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.

Beavis: Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.

Martha: Well, that's nice.

Marcie Anderson: They're here to look at the TV, Tom.

Tom Anderson: What? The TV ain't broken.

Beavis: Uh, yeah it is.

Butt-head: Whoa, cool. Hey, can I have a gun, too?

Butt-head: [knocks him out her bedroom window into the bushes below where FBI agents are waiting with guns drawn] Hey, baby. I noticed you have braces. I have braces too.

Mötley Crüe Roadie #1 (Butt-head's Dad): [sitting around a camp fire eating beans; farts over camp fire which creates a fiery mushroom cloud] Hey, you wanna see somethin really cool?

Beavis: FIRE!

Butt-head: [dying in the desert; shows Beavis and Butt-head from infancy to now, sitting on the couch, giggling and watching TV] Whoa, I think my life is, like, flashing in front of my eyes. Whoa. My life was cool.

Mötley Crüe Roadie #1 (Butt-head's Dad): Hey, one of you bastards got a match?

Butt-head: Uh, yeah. My butt and your, uh, butt. Uh huh huh.

Beavis: This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.

Butt-head: This desert is stupid. They need to put a drinking fountain out here.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or, like a 7-Eleven or something.

Beavis: I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole.

Concierge: [leading Beavis and Butt-head into their room] I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, gentlemen. We didn't realize you were registered guests. If there's anything we can do to...

Beavis: [sees TV and remote attached to table, tries to lift it] Damn it. This thing is stuck.

Concierge: Sir, it's attached to the...

Butt-head: You dumb-ass, let me try.

Beavis: [stops; Concierge holds out hand, expecting tip] Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there.

Butt-head: [as soon as concierge leaves] Uhh, could you, like, not stand there and stuff? Some people are dumb.

Beavis: Yeah, really.

Butt-head: [notices the door to the adjoining room, which just happens to be Dallas'] Uhh, check it out, Beavis. I wonder where this goes. Uh... Whoa. I think I hear a chick.

Beavis: Really? Cool! Neat!

Dallas Grimes: [Grabs Beavis and Butt-head and holds a gun on them] Alright, who are you? CIA? FBI? ATF?

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, it's her!

Butt-head: Whoa! Uh, huh huh. Hey baby are we like, gonna do it? Uh, huh, huh huh.

Dallas Grimes: [cocks the gun] You got two seconds!

Butt-head: Uh, is that gonna be enough time?

Dallas Grimes: [grabs him and pulls him up to her] Who sent you?

Butt-head: Uh, this drunk dude, he said he was gonna pay us to do you?

Beavis: [laughs] Yeah, yeah, heh, heh, yeah!

Dallas Grimes: [realizes who they're talking about] Muddy, son of a bitch! Hold it. What's he payin you?

Butt-head: [Dallas mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for the hit men who are hunting her] Uh... 10, uh...

Dallas Grimes: [scoffs] 10 grand? Oh, that cheap ass. All right, I've got a better deal for you. I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him.

Butt-head: You want us to do a guy? No way.

Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head. That is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.

Muddy Grimes: Well, I'm gonna enjoy this. Any last words before I kill you?

Butt-head: I have a couple. Butt cheeks.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And, uh, and boobs. I just wanna say that again: boobs.

Muddy Grimes: I'm gonna blow ya both to hell, that's what I'm gonna do!

Butt-head: [[w:Cool (aesthetic)|Cool] ]. Whoa. Hey, Beavis, that's that dude who's paying us to do his wife.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Um, can you just take us to Washington? We're gonna meet her there and, y'know, um... heh heh. Y'know.

Muddy Grimes: Washington? That's where she's gonna meet up with ya? Y'know, I just might need you boys, after all. All right. Get in the trunk. Both of ya. NOW!!

Butt-head: Boy, it sure is hard to score.

Beavis: Yeah, really.

Tom Anderson: [a roadblock has been set up by the [[w:Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives|ATF] ]. They are stopping anyone who might know the whereabouts of Beavis and Butt-head. Tom and Marcie pull up to the ATF agent] Somethin wrong, Officer?

ATF Agent: [holds up a picture of Beavis & Butt-head] Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.

Tom Anderson: Well, I'll be danged. That's them two kids that have been whackin in my camper.

ATF Agent: You saw these two?

Tom Anderson: I sure did. Boy, I've never seen two kids do so much damned whackin'.

ATF Agent: [speaking on his walkie-talkie] Blue Den, this is post 9; I have positive ID.

Tom Anderson: Boy, they're just like a couple of little old spider monkeys, I'll tell ya—.

ATF Agent: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to step out of the vehicle.

Tom Anderson: Well now, wait a minute. Me and the Mrs. here are on our way to Washington D.C., and–

ATF Agent: [points a gun at Tom Anderson] NOW!!

Tom Anderson: [ATF agents are aggressively searching through Tom and Marcie's camper] Now, wait right there. You're dealin with a veteran of 2 foreign wars. They're the ones been whackin'. I find anything broken in there, you and I are gonna tangle.

Agent Flemming: [Agent Hurly dons a glove; '''Tom Anderson''': ''[off-screen] Masturbating in the man's camper. We're dealing with two sick individuals. I want that camper torn apart, full cavity searches all around. You can't do this!]

Tom Anderson: [Being led away by ATF agents] What in the hell--now wait just a minute!

Agent Bork: [Bork shows a picture of Beavis in his Cornholio persona to Flemming] Chief, this just came in. Two days ago, Express Airways had a disturbance by someone calling himself "Cornholio." Guess who matches the description?

Agent Flemming: Finally, a real break. Get me that flash point of origin. We're gonna kick some ass.

Van Driessen: You know, this could be a really positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us.

Butt-head: Uh-huh huh huh! He said "anus"!

Beavis: [laughs] Entert-ain us", "ainus". Oh yeah!

Van Driessen: [sighs in annoyance] Have you guys heard a word I've said?

Butt-head: [laughs] Uhh, yeah! Anus!

Beavis: [laughs] Yeah! I heard it too!

Van Driessen: Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay?

Butt-head: What a dork.

Butt-head: [Beavis and Butt-head roll the TV out of the school, it falls down the stairs and breaks] That was cool. Huh huh huh.

Beavis: No, it wasn't.

Butt-head: Uh, oh, yeah.

Beavis: Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!

Bus Driver: Hey, buddy, sit down.

Beavis: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!

Bus Driver: Hey, I'm warnin you! SIT DOWN!

Beavis: [motioning to Martha] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!

Martha's Husband: [nodding] Oh, yeah.

Beavis: But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!

Bus Driver: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, NUMB-NUTS! ONCE MORE AND I'LL--UNH!

Beavis: KICK YOUR ASS!

Butt-head: The sun sucks.

Butt-head: *After discovering a car jack in the trunk of Muddy's car

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Check it out. I'm jacking off.

Butt-head: [[w:Urinal#Automatic flush|automatic-flush urinals] *In reference to ]

Butt-head: This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

Butt-head: [[w:Chelsea Clinton|Chelsea Clinton] *Directed at then-first daughter ]

Butt-head: Hey, baby.  I noticed you have braces.  I have braces, too.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, this book is pretty cool. There's a naked chick, a talking snake, and this dude wears a leaf over his schlong.

Beavis: I am Cornholio! — You will cooperate with my bunghole! — For there is but one bunghole: the almighty bunghole.

Beavis: I am the great Cornholio! — I'm a gringo! — I have no bunghole.

Beavis: [as his Cornholio persona] Are you threatening me? — I am Cornholio!

Dallas Grimes: 10 Grand. Oh, that Cheap-Ass.

Muddy Grimes: [about to kill Beavis and Butt-head when he realized he mistook them for hitmen after he found them in the desert] I'm gonna blow you both to Hell, that's what I'm gonna do!

Muddy Grimes: [about to kill Beavis and Butt-head when he realized he mistook them for hitmen after he found them in the desert] Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this. Any last words before I kill you?

Agent Flemming: Well, look what we have here.  You two make me sick.  Book em, Bork.

Agent Bork: Chief, this just came in.  Two days ago, Express Airways had a disturbance by someone calling himself Cornholio.  Guess who matches the description.