Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989) - Quotes

Taglines: The funniest comedy in the history of history.

Taglines: Brace yourself amigos for a most triumphant video! (UK VHS box)

Taglines: Party on, dudes!

Taglines: Time flies when you're having fun.

Taglines: History is about to be rewritten by two guys who can't spell...

Bill: You know how to play, Rufus?

Rufus: [does a solo of complex guitar riffs] I play a little.

Bill: [amazed] Most outstanding, Rufus! Let's jam!

Ted: Bill, my friend?

Bill: Yes, Ted, my friend?

Ted: This has been a most excellent adventure.

Both: 1! 2! 1-2-3-4!

Rufus: [to the camera] They do get better.

Abraham Lincoln: [checking his pocket watch] Fourscore and... ...7 minutes ago, we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure, conceived by our new friends: Bill and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition, which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other...and...PARTY ON, DUDES!

Bill and Ted: [smile] No way!

Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.

Ted: Please welcome the very excellent barbarian...

Bill and Ted: MR. GENGHIS KHAN!

Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, two hours ago totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.

Freud: And so, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all his deepest anxieties about himself. And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.

Ted: [sits up] Whoa...

Freud: Okay, Ted?

Ted: Yes...Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud...

Freud: [motions toward the couch] Bill?

Bill: Nah. Just got a minor oedipal complex.

Ted: Our first guest speaker was born in the year 470 BC, a time when most of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album, Houses of the Holy.

Bill: We were there. There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil.

Ted: He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle, and like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.

Captain Logan: [the officer ushers Lincoln to his cell] All right, lock him up with the rest of those wackos.

Lincoln: I am a lawyer, you know!

Ted: [enters the station] Dad!

Captain Logan: You pack your bags, Ted.

Ted: What?

Captain Logan: You're going to military school, Ted.

Ted: But, Dad...

Captain Logan: No, I don't wanna hear it, Ted!

Ted: But...

Captain Logan: [ushers Ted out of the station] Ted! You go home and you pack your bags NOW!

Psychologist: I want to know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.

Freud: Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud?

Psychologist: [increasingly frustrated] Why do you keep asking me these questions?

Freud: Tell me about your mother.

Psychologist: [gets up from his desk] Oh, God.

Freud: Would you like a couch to lie on?

Psychologist: No, I don't want a couch to lie on!

Captain Logan: All right, what's your name?

Lincoln: Abraham Lincoln. That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.

Captain Logan: [in disbelief] I know how to spell "Lincoln"! What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?

Lincoln: February 12, 1809.

Freud: [to the girls at the mall] Hello, I'm Dr. Freud, but you may call me "Siggy".

Girl: [cracking up; laughs with her friend] Oh, my God!

Freud: You both seem to be suffering from a mild form of hysteria.

Girl: [still giggling; walks off with her friend, laughing] You are such a geek!

Billy the Kid: [sarcastically to Freud; walks off] Way to go, egghead.

Socrates: [laughs and follows Billy] Geek!

Freud: [confused] What is a "geek"?

Ted: Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our...friends.

Bill: This is...Dave Beeth-Oven...Maxine of Arc...Herman the Kid...

Ted: Bob Genghis Khan...So-crates Johnson...Dennis Freud. And uh...Abraham Lincoln...

Bill: How's it going, royal ugly dudes? I'm the Earl of Preston.

Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted.

Henry VIII: [walks around and suspecting them; [w:Iron maiden|iron maiden] Put them in the ].

Ted: [not understanding; [Iron Maiden] ]?

Bill and Ted: [air guitar] Excellent!

Henry VIII: Execute them!

Bill and Ted: [realizing he's serious; being dragged off by the guards] Bogus.

Ted: [to the princesses] We'll save you, babes!

Bill: [reading from their history textbook; [Socrates|"The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing."] ]

Ted: [after a pause] That's us, dude!

Bill: Oh, yeah!

Ted: Okay, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?

Future Bill and Future Ted: 69, dudes!

Bill and Ted: Whoa!

Rufus: Greetings, my excellent friends.

Ted: ...Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?

Rufus: Well...Perhaps we can ask them.

Ted: Okay, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.

Bill: It's not just a water sport, I knew it.

Ted: Excuse me? When did the Mongols rule China?

Woman: [goes inside the store] I don't know, I just work here.

Ted: [giggles] Now your dad's going for it. In your own room!

Bill: Shut up, Ted.

Ted: Your stepmom is cute, though.

Bill: Shut up, Ted!

Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?

Bill: SHUT UP, TED!

Bill: Okay, Ted: George Washington. One: The father of our country.

Ted: Two: Born on Presidents Day!

Bill: Three: The dollar bill guy.

Ted: You ever made a mushroom out of his head?

Bill: [annoyed] Ted...Alaska.

Ted: Okay...Um....Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.

Bill: [agitated] That's Captain Ahab, dude!

Ted: ...Oh, wait! Remember Disney World? Hall of Presidents?

Bill: [smiles] Yeah, good, what did he say?

Ted: [tries to remember] ...Welcome to the Hall of Presidents!

Captain Logan: [sees his son came home] Ted?

Ted: [surprised] What are you doin home, Dad?

Captain Logan: I'm looking for my keys.

Ted: Oh.

Captain Logan: You haven't done anything with them, have ya?

Ted: No, sir.

Captain Logan: I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.

Ted: Me and Bill-

Captain Logan: He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't you, Ted?

Ted: That I would have to go to Oates Military Academy. Sir.

Captain Logan: I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted...

Ted: [hops back in Missy's car] Dude, we gotta pass; otherwise, there's no more band.

Bill: Why?

Ted: My dad's sending me to military school.

Bill: Where?

Ted: Alaska...

Missy: [drives up to Bill and Ted] Hi, Bill. Wanna ride?

Ted: [while hopping in] Your stepmom's cute.

Bill: [annoyed] Shut up, Ted.

Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?

Bill: Shut up, Ted!

Bill: Mr. Ryan, before you say anything, my distinguished colleague, Ted, and I wish to express to you our thanks, for all the things we have learned in your class.

Mr. Ryan: And what have you learned?

Bill: [beat] We've, uh... We've learned that the world has a great history.

Ted: [looks at some of the names written on the chalkboard] Yes. And that, thanks to great leaders such as... Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method, the world is full of history.

Mr. Ryan: It seems to me the only thing you have learned is that Caesar... is a "salad-dressing dude." Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple. You have flunked every section of this class. Now, unless you get an A-plus on your final oral report tomorrow, guys, I have no choice but to flunk the both of you. Now, you know your topics. So I would suggest that you at least cover those areas if you want to pass the course. Understand?

Bill and Ted: Yes, sir.

Mr. Ryan: Okay. Guys, your report had better be something very special.

Mr. Ryan: Bill, I'm waiting.

Bill: [beat] He's dead?

Mr. Ryan: [[Napoleon] So Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that ] was a "short, dead dude.

Bill: Well, yeah.

Ted: [leans over behind Bill] You totally blew it, dude.

Mr. Ryan: [annoyed] Ted, stand up.

Ted: Stand up?

Mr. Ryan: [Ted stands up; [Joan of Arc] Yes, son, stand up. Now... who was ]?

Ted: [beat; [Noah] ]'s wife.

Bill: [[:en:Eddie Van Halen|Eddie Van Halen] Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant, the truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super-band until we get ] on guitar.

Ted: Yes, Bill, but...I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen before we have a triumphant video.

Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we have decent instruments.

Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments if we don't really even know how to play?

Bill: That is why we need Eddie Van Halen!

Ted: And that is why we need a triumphant video!

Bill and Ted: [think for a second; guitar riff] EXCELLENT!

Bill: [sees the time] Uh-oh, we're late!

Ted: For what?

Bill: School, dude!

Ted: Oh, yeah.

Rufus: [first lines] Hi. Welcome to the future: San Dimas, California - 2688. And I'm telling you, it's great here. The air is clean. The water is clean. Even the dirt is clean! Bowling averages are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down, and we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you, this place is great, but it almost wasn't. You see, seven hundred years ago, the Two Great Ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two along the correct path, the basis of our society will be endangered. Ah, but don't worry: it'll all make sense. I'm a professional.

Ted: Party on dudes!

Bill: Be excellent to each other.

Bill: Shut up Ted.