30 quotes
A Historic Call for Excellence and Friendship
Abraham Lincoln
Fourscore and... ...7 minutes ago, we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure, conceived by our new friends: Bill and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition, which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other...and...PARTY ON, DUDES!
[checking his pocket watch]
Bill and Ted
No way!
[smile]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embrace the spirit of fun and adventure
Taglines
Party on, dudes!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Welcome to the Future of San Dimas
Rufus
Hi. Welcome to the future: San Dimas, California - 2688. And I'm telling you, it's great here. The air is clean. The water is clean. Even the dirt is clean! Bowling averages are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down, and we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you, this place is great, but it almost wasn't. You see, seven hundred years ago, the Two Great Ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two along the correct path, the basis of our society will be endangered. Ah, but don't worry: it'll all make sense. I'm a professional.
[first lines]
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The Quest for a Super-Band
Bill
Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant, the truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super-band until we get ] on guitar.
[[:en:Eddie Van Halen|Eddie Van Halen]
Ted
Yes, Bill, but...I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen before we have a triumphant video.
Bill
Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we have decent instruments.
Ted
Well, how can we have decent instruments if we don't really even know how to play?
Bill
That is why we need Eddie Van Halen!
Ted
And that is why we need a triumphant video!
Bill and Ted
EXCELLENT!
[think for a second; guitar riff]
Bill
Uh-oh, we're late!
[sees the time]
Ted
For what?
Bill
School, dude!
Ted
Oh, yeah.
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Royal Encounters with Bill and Ted
Bill
How's it going, royal ugly dudes? I'm the Earl of Preston.
Ted
And I am the Duke of Ted.
Henry VIII
Put them in the ].
[walks around and suspecting them; [w:Iron maiden|iron maiden]
Ted
]?
[not understanding; [Iron Maiden]
Bill and Ted
Excellent!
[air guitar]
Henry VIII
Execute them!
Bill and Ted
Bogus.
[realizing he's serious; being dragged off by the guards]
Ted
We'll save you, babes!
[to the princesses]
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Philosophy and History in Bill and Ted's Adventure
Ted
Our first guest speaker was born in the year 470 BC, a time when most of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album, Houses of the Holy.
Bill
We were there. There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil.
Ted
He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle, and like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.
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Introducing Historical Figures to Miss Preston
Ted
Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our...friends.
Bill
This is...Dave Beeth-Oven...Maxine of Arc...Herman the Kid...
Ted
Bob Genghis Khan...So-crates Johnson...Dennis Freud. And uh...Abraham Lincoln...
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Embrace the Moment and Enjoy Life
Ted
Party on dudes!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Time Flies When Enjoying Life's Moments
Taglines
Time flies when you're having fun.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Encounter with Future Selves
Ted
Okay, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Future Bill and Future Ted
69, dudes!
Bill and Ted
Whoa!
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Freud's Diagnosis in an Unexpected Encounter
Freud
Hello, I'm Dr. Freud, but you may call me "Siggy".
[to the girls at the mall]
Girl
Oh, my God!
[cracking up; laughs with her friend]
Freud
You both seem to be suffering from a mild form of hysteria.
Girl
You are such a geek!
[still giggling; walks off with her friend, laughing]
Billy the Kid
Way to go, egghead.
[sarcastically to Freud; walks off]
Socrates
Geek!
[laughs and follows Billy]
Freud
What is a "geek"?
[confused]
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Friendship and Identity in Conversation
Bill
]
[reading from their history textbook; [Socrates|"The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing."]
Ted
That's us, dude!
[after a pause]
Bill
Oh, yeah!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bill's Dismissive Response to Ted
Bill
Shut up Ted.
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Appreciating History and Great Leaders
Bill
Mr. Ryan, before you say anything, my distinguished colleague, Ted, and I wish to express to you our thanks, for all the things we have learned in your class.
Mr. Ryan
And what have you learned?
Bill
We've, uh... We've learned that the world has a great history.
[beat]
Ted
Yes. And that, thanks to great leaders such as... Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method, the world is full of history.
[looks at some of the names written on the chalkboard]
Mr. Ryan
It seems to me the only thing you have learned is that Caesar... is a "salad-dressing dude." Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple. You have flunked every section of this class. Now, unless you get an A-plus on your final oral report tomorrow, guys, I have no choice but to flunk the both of you. Now, you know your topics. So I would suggest that you at least cover those areas if you want to pass the course. Understand?
Bill and Ted
Yes, sir.
Mr. Ryan
Okay. Guys, your report had better be something very special.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Teenage Banter About Family Dynamics
Ted
Now your dad's going for it. In your own room!
[giggles]
Bill
Shut up, Ted.
Ted
Your stepmom is cute, though.
Bill
Shut up, Ted!
Ted
Remember when I asked her to the prom?
Bill
SHUT UP, TED!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introducing Genghis Khan in a Modern Context
Bill
It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted
Please welcome the very excellent barbarian...
Bill and Ted
MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
Ted
This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, two hours ago totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Awkward Moments Between Friends and Family
Missy
Hi, Bill. Wanna ride?
[drives up to Bill and Ted]
Ted
Your stepmom's cute.
[while hopping in]
Bill
Shut up, Ted.
[annoyed]
Ted
Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?
Bill
Shut up, Ted!
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A Jam Session Among Friends
Bill
You know how to play, Rufus?
Rufus
I play a little.
[does a solo of complex guitar riffs]
Bill
Most outstanding, Rufus! Let's jam!
[amazed]
Ted
Bill, my friend?
Bill
Yes, Ted, my friend?
Ted
This has been a most excellent adventure.
Both
1! 2! 1-2-3-4!
Rufus
They do get better.
[to the camera]
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Promoting Kindness and Respect Among Friends
Bill
Be excellent to each other.
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A Triumphant Video Awaits You
Taglines
Brace yourself amigos for a most triumphant video! (UK VHS box)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
History Rewritten by Unlikely Heroes
Taglines
History is about to be rewritten by two guys who can't spell...
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Confrontation Among Characters in a Legal Context
Captain Logan
All right, lock him up with the rest of those wackos.
[the officer ushers Lincoln to his cell]
Lincoln
I am a lawyer, you know!
Ted
Dad!
[enters the station]
Captain Logan
You pack your bags, Ted.
Ted
What?
Captain Logan
You're going to military school, Ted.
Ted
But, Dad...
Captain Logan
No, I don't wanna hear it, Ted!
Ted
But...
Captain Logan
Ted! You go home and you pack your bags NOW!
[ushers Ted out of the station]
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Historical Figures and Playful Banter
Bill
Okay, Ted: George Washington. One: The father of our country.
Ted
Two: Born on Presidents Day!
Bill
Three: The dollar bill guy.
Ted
You ever made a mushroom out of his head?
Bill
Ted...Alaska.
[annoyed]
Ted
Okay...Um....Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.
Bill
That's Captain Ahab, dude!
[agitated]
Ted
...Oh, wait! Remember Disney World? Hall of Presidents?
Bill
Yeah, good, what did he say?
[smiles]
Ted
...Welcome to the Hall of Presidents!
[tries to remember]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Historical Misunderstandings in Casual Conversation
Ted
Okay, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill
It's not just a water sport, I knew it.
Ted
Excuse me? When did the Mongols rule China?
Woman
I don't know, I just work here.
[goes inside the store]
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Questioning Identity and Authority in Dialogue
Psychologist
I want to know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.
Freud
Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud?
Psychologist
Why do you keep asking me these questions?
[increasingly frustrated]
Freud
Tell me about your mother.
Psychologist
Oh, God.
[gets up from his desk]
Freud
Would you like a couch to lie on?
Psychologist
No, I don't want a couch to lie on!
Captain Logan
All right, what's your name?
Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln. That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.
Captain Logan
I know how to spell "Lincoln"! What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?
[in disbelief]
Lincoln
February 12, 1809.
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Exploring Father-Son Dynamics Through Freud's Lens
Freud
And so, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all his deepest anxieties about himself. And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.
Ted
Whoa...
[sits up]
Freud
Okay, Ted?
Ted
Yes...Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud...
Freud
Bill?
[motions toward the couch]
Bill
Nah. Just got a minor oedipal complex.
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Miscommunication About a Deceased Character
Mr. Ryan
Bill, I'm waiting.
Bill
He's dead?
[beat]
Mr. Ryan
So Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that ] was a "short, dead dude.
[[Napoleon]
Bill
Well, yeah.
Ted
You totally blew it, dude.
[leans over behind Bill]
Mr. Ryan
Ted, stand up.
[annoyed]
Ted
Stand up?
Mr. Ryan
Yes, son, stand up. Now... who was ]?
[Ted stands up; [Joan of Arc]
Ted
]'s wife.
[beat; [Noah]
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Searching for Keys at Home
Captain Logan
Ted?
[sees his son came home]
Ted
What are you doin home, Dad?
[surprised]
Captain Logan
I'm looking for my keys.
Ted
Oh.
Captain Logan
You haven't done anything with them, have ya?
Ted
No, sir.
Captain Logan
I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.
Ted
Me and Bill-
Captain Logan
He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't you, Ted?
Ted
That I would have to go to Oates Military Academy. Sir.
Captain Logan
I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted...
Ted
Dude, we gotta pass; otherwise, there's no more band.
[hops back in Missy's car]
Bill
Why?
Ted
My dad's sending me to military school.
Bill
Where?
Ted
Alaska...
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A Curious Question About Mongol History
Rufus
Greetings, my excellent friends.
Ted
...Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?
Rufus
Well...Perhaps we can ask them.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Funniest Comedy in History
Taglines
The funniest comedy in the history of history.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.