20 quotes
Nostalgia for Past Days in the Office
Alex Hardy
...Siamese fighting fish in the water cooler... the old crew in the golden days of this magazine would have thought of it.
[rambling on aimlessly to himself]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Painful Rabies Shots and Their Misconceptions
Jamie Conway
I hear rabies shots are really painful. They put needles in your dick or something.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on a Broken Relationship
Jamie Conway
We sort of split up.
Theresa
Too bad for you. She was yummy! Sort of the slinky girl-next-door look. Very ingenuous.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Night of Excess and Indulgence
Tad Allagash
I, believe it or not, took this bimbo back to her place on Fifth Avenue. Did some of her off-the-boat-quality drugs. We scooped it out of these tall Ming vases - did it off each other's naked bodies. Fucking beautiful, man.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Legal Advice on Sexual Abandonment
Jamie Conway
This man calls. He said he was her lawyer. Easiest thing all the way around, he said was for me to sue her for sexual abandonment. A legal term, he said.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Navigating Unfamiliar Terrain at Dawn
Jamie Conway
You are not the kind of guy who would be at a place like this at this time of the morning and, though the details are fuzzy. You cannot say that the terrain is entirely unfamiliar.
[voiceover]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Allagash Heritage and Attractiveness Explained
Tad Allagash
She's an Allagash. She has Allagash genes. She's a very attractive lady. She'll also inherit a little of the Allagash money.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Illusions of Wealth and Success
Taglines
All that glitters is not gold.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Unique Offer from the Ferret Man
Ferret Man
Want to buy a ferret?
Jamie
No, thanks.
Ferret Man
Loose joints. Genuine Hawaiian sens. His name is Fred...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Morning Reflection in Bright Lights, Big City
Taglines
It's 6.00am. Do you know where you are?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Navigating Inner Turmoil and External Fears
Vicky
Are you sure you're all right?
Jamie Conway
Well, my brain is trying to find a way out of its skull - and I'm afraid of just about everything; but, I'm okay.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Drug Possession
Tad Allagash
Speaking of drugs, are you in possession?
Jamie Conway
Negative.
Tad Allagash
Not even a single line for young Tad?
Jamie Conway
Sorry.
Tad Allagash
Not even a mirror to lick?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Learning to Navigate Life's Challenges Slowly
Jamie Conway
You have to go slowly. You'll have to learn everything all over again.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Journey Far from Home
Taglines
He's a long way from Kansas.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Feeling Overwhelmed by Small-Minded People
Alex Hardy
Pygmies. I'm surrounded by pygmies.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Writing and Editing Careers
Alex Hardy
I started off as an office boy at the magazine - got published every so often. I used to write satirical sketches on Manhattan highlife.
Jamie Conway
I know, I used to read that stuff. Amazing.
Alex Hardy
Yeah. A lot more fun than being an editor. All I do as an editor is read a lot of undisciplined, untalented crap.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Solitude in Personal Failure
Jamie Conway
There's a certain shabby nobility in failing all by myself.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication in Creative Expression
Tad Allagash
Doing a little writing, are we? Yeah! "Dead Amanda"! I told ya, you get more nookie than you can shake a fucking stick at if you just told people your wife was dead.
[reads paper in typewriter]
Jamie Conway
I hit the wrong key.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing the Night's Adventures
Tad Allagash
Ready to roll? The girls are waiting.
Jamie Conway
Right. Where are we rolling to?
Tad Allagash
Into the heart of the night! Wherever there are dances to be danced, drugs to be hoovered, women to be Allagashed. It's a dirty job, Jamie, but somebody's got to do it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Clara's Behavior
Walter Tyler
So how's Clara behaving?
Jamie Conway
Same as usual. Like a fourth-grade tyrant.
Walter Tyler
I've always wanted to ask somebody in Fact - does Clara piss in the men's room or the ladies'?
Jamie Conway
I don't believe she pisses.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.