22 quotes
Unexpected Apologies and Surprising Revelations
Lead Thug
I'll tell you what. We'll apologize the day a ] comes out of my butt. Then you'll get your "sorry". How about that?
[[monkey]
Bruce
What a ]! Because that's... today.
[[coincidence]
Thug #1
Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?!
Thug #2
¡Brujería! ¡Es el Diablo! (Witchcraft! It's the Devil!)
Thug #3
This is some voodoo shit, man! ¡Vámonos! Let's go!
Bruce
Are you guys leaving? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! Hey there, little anal-dwelling butt monkey! Time for you to go home, little buddy.
[Breathes bees at them, and is then joined by the monkey; The monkey re-enters the Lead Thug's butt]
Surrendering Control to a Higher Power
Bruce
You win. I'm done. Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be ]! I want You to decide what's right for me! ]
[breaks down upon seeing Grace pray so hard; [God; [Kenosis|I SURRENDER TO '''YOUR WILL!''']
Miscommunication During a Live Broadcast
Evan
In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director
What did he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician
The prompter's fine.
Director
Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.
Evan
The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I "lika"... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some "technical" difficulties... Oh... my apologies.
[as Bruce manipulates the teleprompter; farts]
Be the Miracle
God
Parting your soup is not a ], Bruce, it's a ] ]. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds ] to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to ] and "yes" to an ], that's a miracle. ] want Me to do everything for them, but what they don't realize is, they have the ]. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.
[[miracle; [magic; [trick; [time; [drugs; [education; [People; [power]
A New Power for the Ordinary Man
Taglines
The guy next door just became the man upstairs.
Understanding the Rules of Power
God
Okay, let me explain the rules.
Bruce
Rules?
God
Yeah, you left in such a rush, I didn't get a chance to explain.
Bruce
Well, the "two extra fingers" thing freaked me out a little bit.
God
I figured that would get your attention. I did the same thing to ], he didn't eat for three weeks. Now, here's the deal. You have all my power, use it any way you choose. There are only two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God; believe me, you don't want that kind of attention. And you can't mess with free will.
[laughs; [w:Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]
Bruce
Can I ask why?
God
Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!
[smiling]
Divine Spark of Joy and Laughter
Bruce
Am I...?
[to God]
God
You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.
Bruce
But why? Why now?
God
Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have the gift of bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.
Bruce
Quit braggin'.
God
You see! That's what I'm talking about. That's the spark.
Bruce
What do you want me to do?
God
I want you to pray, son. Go ahead. Use them.
Bruce
Lord, feed the hungry and bring ] to all of mankind. How's that?
[trying to pray; [peace; to God]
God
Great!... If you wanna be Miss America. Now c'mon - what do you really care about?
Bruce
].
[starting to break down; [Grace]
God
Grace.... You want her back?
Bruce
No... I want her to be happy. No matter what that means. I want her to find someone, who will treat her with all of the love she deserved from me... I want her to meet someone... who will see her always, as I do now... through your eyes...
[looking into the distance then to God]
God
Now that's a prayer.
Bruce
Yeah?
God
Yeah. It's good.
Bruce
It's good?
[relieved]
Both
It's good!
[laughs]
God
I'm gonna get right on it...
What Would You Do as God?
Taglines
If you could be God for one week, what would you do?
Divine Encounter and Human Doubt
God
This last entry was a little disturbing; "The gloves are off, ]." "God has taken my bird and my bush." "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass." "Smite me, O mighty smiter!" Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me ].
[[God; [laugh]
Bruce
Are you spying on me?! Who are you?
[shocked]
God
I'm the one. Creator of the ] and ], Alpha and Omega.
[[heavens; [earth]
Bruce
Oh, I see where this is going...
God
Bruce, I'm God.
Bruce
Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and ] ] with the ]. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK! You know what? It would have been a little bit more impressive though if you hadn’t used the cheesy file cabinet illusion. Anybody with a brain stem can tell that drawer is being fed through the wall from the other side.
[[good; [luck; [Apocalypse]
A Conversation About Job Opportunities
Bruce
Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.
Grace
Come on! What are you DOING?!
Bruce
Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill (Ferry Owner)
Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...
Bruce
Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life ERODING BENEATH ME?! Eroding, eroooooooding, EEEEEEROOOOODDDING.
Jack
Cut the feed. Go to black.
Technician
I'm on it.
Bruce
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, FUCKERS!
[flips off bird]
Jack
Oh, boy.
Grace
Oh, my God.
Bruce
That is perfect. That is the motivation that I needed! Right there. Thank you! Thank you, “WKBW.” Wimpy Kitty Baby Whiners. That’s what that stands for!
[reading]
Challenging Divine Authority and Accountability
Bruce
Fine! The gloves are off God! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!!!
Perspective on Faith and Belief
Homeless Man Signs
Bruce: (with his own sign) WHATEVER HE SAID →