Bull Durham (1988) - Quotes

Nuke: How come you don't like me?

Skip: [Talking to Crash after another loss] Hell of a shot. Sorry it got wasted. I don't know what to do with these guys; I beg, I plead, I try to be a nice guy. I'm a nice guy-

Crash: Scare em.

Skip: Huh?

Crash: They're kids. Scare em. That's what I'd do.

Skip: [Realizes something and walks away chuckling''] Yeah..

Skip: Everybody into the Shower!! Anybody ain't in the shower in ten seconds gonna get fined a hundred dollars! Larry!

Larry: [Begins counting to ten as all the players run into the shower area] 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi, 5 Mississippi, 6 Mississippi, 7 Mississippi, 8 Mississippi, 9 Mississippi, 10 Mississippi.

Skip: You guys...you lollygag the ball around the infield! You lollygag your way down to first! You lollygag in and out of the dugout! Do you know what that makes you? Larry?!

Larry: Lollygaggers!

Skip: Lollygaggers! What's our record, Larry?

Larry: 8-16.

Skip: 8-16...How did we ever win eight?

Larry: It's a miracle.

Skip: It's a miracle. This is a simple game: You throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball. You got it?! Now we have got a twelve day road trip startin tomorrow! Bus leaves 6 in the morning.

Crash: [walking with Nuke back to the pitcher’s mound] Hey. Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic.

Nuke: [to himself as Crash walks away] What's this guy know anyway? If he's so great, how come he's been in the minors for ten years? If he's so hot how come Annie wants me instead of him?

Crash: [turns back] Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don't know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the show, you'll listen to me. Annie only wants you so she can boss you around, got it? So relax! Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don't hold the ball so hard, OK? It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.

Nuke: [to himself again] What's he know about fun? I'm young. I know about fun. An old man. He don't know nothin about fun.

Crash: [behind the plate again; Crash calls for a curve ball] All right. Nobody's goin out there.

Nuke: [to himself] Why's he calling for a curve ball? I want to bring heat. Shake him off. Throw what you want.

Crash: [Walks to the mound] Goddamit. Timeout. Hey! Why are you shaking me off? Huh?

Nuke: I want to bring the heater. Announce my presence with authority.

Crash: To announce your what!?

Nuke: Announce my presence with authority!

Crash: To announce your fucking presence with authority?! This guy's a first-ball, fastball hitter, he's looking for the heat.

Nuke: Oh yeah? So what? He ain't seen my heat.

Crash: [He walks back to his place behind the plate.] All right, Meat. Give him your heat.

Nuke: Why's he always calling me Meat? I'm the guy driving a Porsche.

Crash: [to the batter at the plate] Fastball.

Crash: [to the batter; to the umpire; the umpire tosses a new baseball to Crash and he walks over to Nuke with it on the pitching mound; laughs] What are you doin'? Huh? What are you doing standing here? I gave you a gift. You stand here showing up my pitcher? Run, dummy! Gimme a ball. Well, he really hit the shit outta that one, didn't he?

Nuke: [softly, infuriated] I held it like an egg...

Crash: [laughs] Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the fucking bull! Guy gets a free steak! You having fun yet?

Nuke: Oh, yeah. Havin a blast.

Crash: Good.

Nuke: God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!

Crash: He did know.

Nuke: How?

Crash: I told him.

Nuke: [to himself after Crash leaves] Don’t think, just throw. Don’t think, just throw.

Annie: [pause] Well -- you boys stopped fighting yet? Are you pals now? Good. I love a little macho male bonding -- I think it's sweet even if it's probably latent homosexuality being "re-channeled" but I believe in "re-channeling" so who cares, right? Shall we go to my place?

Nuke: Which one of us?

Annie: Oh both of you, of course...

Annie: These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season. Usually takes me a couple of weeks to pick the guy - kinda my own spring training. And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far, so I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.

Crash: Time out. Why do you get to choose?

Annie: What?

Crash: Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose? Why doesn't he get to choose?

Annie: Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.

Nuke: So is somebody going to go to bed with somebody or what?

Annie: Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown. You'd better cool off. Ha ha, ha ha!

Annie: Oh, where are you going?

Crash: After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.

Annie: What do you believe in, then?

Crash: [[w:Susan Sontag|Susan Sontag; [w:Lee Harvey Oswald|Lee Harvey Oswald; [w:John F. Kennedy assassination conspiracy theories|acted alone; [w:AstroTurf|AstroTurf; ''pause''] Well, I believe in the soul. The cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of ] are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe ] ]. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing ] and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Goodnight.

Annie: Oh my. Crash...

Nuke: Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?

Nuke: [After he has challenged Crash to a fight] I don't hit no man first.

Crash: [throws him a baseball] All right, then, hit me in the chest with that.

Nuke: I'd kill you!

Crash: [the crowd that has gathered laughs] Yeah?! From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat! Come on; right here, right in the chest!

Nuke: No way!

Crash: C'mon, Meat! Throw it! You know you're not gonna hit me, cause you've already started to think about it, eh?! Thinkin about how embarrassing it would be to miss in front of all these people, how somebody might laugh?! Come on, Meat, show us that million-dollar arm, Cause I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours!

Crash: Ball four.

Nuke: Who the fuck are you, man?!

Nuke: Good punch...

Crash: I'm Crash Davis; I'm your new catcher, and you just got lesson number one: Don't think. You can only hurt the ball club.

Reporter: So, how does it feel to get your first professional win?

Nuke: [Grabs the reporter's recorder and continues talking into it] It feels "out there", I mean it's a major rush. I mean, it doesn't just feel "out there", I mean it feels out there, you know? Um, kind of radical in a kind of tubular way, you know? But, most of all, it's out there...

Crash: [Watching nearby] This is hopeless. This is utterly fucking hopeless.

Larry: [To Skip] Who are you? Who's he?

Crash: I'm the player to be named later.

Skip: [Shakes Crash's hand] Crash Davis? I'm Joe Riggins.

Crash: And you, Larry Hockett, should recognize me, cause five years ago in the Texas League, you were pitching for El Paso, I was batting clean-up for Shreveport. You hung a curveball on a 0-2 pitch in a 3-2 game in the bottom of the 8th, and I tattooed it over the Michelin Tire sign and beat you 4-3.

Larry: [grins] Yeah, I remember, I should've thrown a slider. Damn, Crash, how you doing?

Crash: I'm too old for this shit. Why the hell am I back in A-ball?

Skip: Cause of Ebby Calvin LaLoosh. Big club's got a hundred grand in him.

Larry: He's got a million-dollar arm, and a five-cent head.

Skip: Had a gun on him tonight. The last five pitches he threw were faster than the first five, He has the best young arm I've seen in 30 years. You've been around. You're smart, professional. We want you to mature the kid. We want you to room with him on the road, stay on his case all year. He could go all the way.

Crash: Where can I go?

Skip: You can keep going to the ballpark, and keep getting paid to do it. Beats the hell out of working at Sears.

Larry: Sears sucks, Crash. I worked there once, sold Lady Kenmores. Nasty. Nasty business.

Skip: And even if it is the Carolina League, it's a chance to play every day.

Crash: You don't want a ballplayer; you want a stable pony.

Skip: Nah.

Crash: [pause] Well, my Triple-A contract gets bought out so I can hold some flavor-of-the-month's dick in the bus leagues, is that it? Well, fuck this fucking game! I quit, all right? I fucking quit.

Crash: Who we play tomorrow?

Skip: Winston-Salem. Batting practice at 11:30.

Millie: What's it say?

Annie: [Donny takes the note] It says he's not bending his back enough on his follow-through. Donny? Baby, take this to Ebby Calvin. Right, honey, let's get down to it. How was Ebby Calvin LaLoosh?

Millie: Well, he fucks like he pitches: Sorta all over the place.

Annie: Millie, you've got to stay out of the clubhouse. It'll just get everybody in trouble.

Millie: I got lured.

Annie: You did not get "lured". Women never get lured. They're too strong and powerful for that. Now say it - "I didn't get lured and I will take responsibility for my actions".

Millie: I didn't get lured and I will take responsibility for my actions.

Annie: That's better.

Skip: Jesus, Ebby, this is your professional debut tonight! A million guys would give their left nut to be in your shoes, and you're leaving your fastball in the locker room in some piece of ass!

Millie: Skip, it's me! I'm not some quote, "piece of ass", unquote.

Skip: Ah, Millie, sorry, didn't recognize you. And, don't take this personally, Millie, but if I catch you in here again, I'm banning you from the ballpark.

Millie: You can't ban me from the ballpark, cause my daddy donated that scoreboard, and if you ban me, he just might take that scoreboard away.

Skip: Well, what do we need a scoreboard for? We haven't scored any runs all year.

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh: A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while.

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh: [Gives up a hit in a close game] Shit, piss, fuck!

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh: Why does he want me to throw the heat again, I just threw it. No, don't think, Meat, just give him the gas.

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh: [Wearing Annie's garter belt under his uniform for the first time] This underwear feels kinda sexy...that don't make me queer, right? Right.

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh: Limping jets of love"...Hey, Crash. Does that mean what I think it means, "limping jets of love"?

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh: [Describing his first night with Annie] We didn't fuck. She just read poetry to me all night. It was more tiring than fucking.

Crash Davis: [Repeated line] C'mon, Meat. Bring me that weak-ass shit.

Crash Davis: I've been known on occasion to howl at the moon.

Crash Davis: You know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is? It's 25 hits. 25 hits in 500 at-bats is 50 points, okay? There's six months in a season; that's about twenty-five weeks. That means if you get just one extra flare a week, just one; A gork, a groundball—you get a groundball with eyes—you get a dying quail...just one more dying quail a week, and you're in Yankee Stadium.

Crash Davis: [Complaining to an umpire] That was a cocksucking call!

Crash Davis: Never fuck with a winning streak.

Crash Davis: [To the batter after Nuke ignores his signs] This sonofabitch's pitching a 2-hit shutout and he's shaking me off, you believe that shit? Charlie, here comes the deuce, and when you speak of me, speak well.

Crash Davis: [Adjusts Nuke's garter belt] The rose goes on the front, big guy.

Crash Davis: [Turns on the sprinklers on a ball field] Oh my goodness, we've got ourselves a natural disaster!

Crash Davis: [To Nuke] Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the Show, you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the Show, however, it means you're a slob.

Annie Savoy: [Closing narration; [Walt Whitman] ] once said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us." You could look it up.

Annie Savoy: [narrating; [Thomas Gray; [William Cullen Bryant] Full many a flower's born to blush unseen and waste its sweetness on the desert air." - ]...or ], I don't know. I get them mixed up.

Annie Savoy: [narrating] The world's made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness.

Annie Savoy: [narrating] Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth, and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time, but it's also a job.

Annie Savoy: This is the damndest season I've ever had; the Durham Bulls can't lose and I can't get laid!

Annie Savoy: [Opening narration; [Buddha; [Allah; [w:Brahma|Brahma; [w:Vishnu|Vishnu; [w:Siva|Siva; [Isadora Duncan; [Jesus; sigh] I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped ], ], ], ], ], trees, mushrooms, and ]. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave ] a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology.