Caddyshack Quotes

Carl So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.

Angie A looper?

Carl A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver, he hauls off and whacks one- big hitter, the Lama- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says?

Angie No.

Carl Gunga galunga...gunga- gunga lagunga." So we finish the eighteenth... and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know... for the effort, you know?" And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin for me, which is nice.

Carl Spackler Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts. How about a nice, cool drink, varmints? Scum! Slime! Menace to the golfing industry! You're a disgrace and you're varmints. You're one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by the rat. Well, I have been pushed. I think it's about time that somebody teaches these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it's like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society! Come to Carl, varmint. Come to Carl. Ah! Okay, I guess we're playing for keeps now. I guess the kidding around is pretty much over, huh? I guess it's just a matter now of pumping about fifteen thousand gallons of water down there to teach you a little bit of a lesson, is that it? I think it is!

Danny Mr. Webb, can I ask you something?

Ty Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.

Danny Danny.

Ty Danny.

Danny When you were my age, did you ever have trouble deciding what you wanted to do with you life?

Ty No I've never had that problem, really. Why?

Danny Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.

Ty Do you take drugs, Danny?

Danny Everyday.

Ty Good. So what's the problem?

Danny I don't know. I don't know. Did you have to take that K'utr Preference Test when you were a senior in high school?

Ty Oh yeah, I took it. They said I should be a "firewatcher". What are you supposed to be?

Danny An underachiever". I gotta go to college. I gotta.

Ty Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it?

Danny Nah.

Ty I didn't think so. No the thing is really, uh, do you even want to go to college?

Danny In Nebraska? Besides it costs like $8,000 a year.

Ty Hold on, Danny, I lent you about $2.50 yesterday I can't foot the bill for everything so don't ask for money.

Danny It's just that my dad, he can't afford it and I haven't even told him about the scholarship I didn't get. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.

Ty What's the matter with lumber? I own two lumberyards.

Danny I notice you don't spend too much time there.

Ty I'm not quite sure where they are. I like you, Betty.

Danny It's Danny, sir.

Ty Danny. Danny, I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen; all you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking... let things happen... and be... the ball.

Taglines The Snobs Against The Slobs!

Carl Spackler I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted myself.  My foe, my enemy, is an ], and in order to conquer him, I have to think like an animal, and, whenever possible, to look like one.  I've gotta get inside this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days.

Taglines Some People Just Don't Belong.

Judge Elihu Smails Danny, I'm having a party this weekend. How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?

Taglines Playing A Round Of Golf At The Bushwood Club Isn't Just Confined To The Golf Course!

Judge Elihu Smails WELL? WE'RE WAITING.

Danny Judge Smails, sir?

Smails Sit down, Danny. I think you know why you're here, so I'll do us the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday. My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain zest for living. The last thing any of us needs now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.

Danny I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.

Smails Good, good. You know, despite what happened, I'm still convinced that you have many fine qualities. I think you can still become a gentleman someday if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society. There's a lot of...well, badness in the world today. I see it in court every day. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it- I felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for- goodness...or badness.

Danny Now I know I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I want to be good!

Smails Very good! I know how hard it is for young people today and I want to help. Just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal..."Mr. Scholarship Winner"?

Danny Yes, sir! I'm your pal!

Smails How about a Fresca?

Ty You've got to win this hole.

Danny I kinda thought winning wasn't important.

Ty Me winning isn't. You, do.

Danny Great grammar.

Taglines At last, a comedy with balls!

Al What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?

Smails Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.

Al I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.

Smails Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

Smails Damn!

Al Okay, you can owe me.

Smails I owe you nothing.

Taglines At last, a comedy that bites!

Carl Spackler What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack at Augusta. He's at the final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think. Oh, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved Augusta crowd is going wild... for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5-iron, it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing... that's- oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8-iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac- it's in the hole! It's in the hole!

Sandy : Carl, I want you to kill all the gophers on the course.

Carl Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they'll lock me up and throw away the key.

Sandy Not golfers, you great git! Gophers- the little brown, furry rodents!

Carl We can do that. We don't even have to have a reason.

Sandy Aye! Well, do it, man!

Carl All right. Let's do the same thing, but with gophers. It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying.

Carl Spackler I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.

Smails Ty, what did you shoot today?

Ty Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.

Smails Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?

Ty By height.

Smails You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.

Ty Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

Spaulding I want a hamburger-- No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake, I want a potato...

Smails You'll get nothing and like it!

Smails I demand satisfaction.

Al You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: cash. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!

Smails Wha... I could beat you with one arm!

Al Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...

Dr. Beeper I beg your pardon!

Al And I'll take Ty, here.

Ty Guys, don't include me in this.

Al Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.

Ty I don't play golf...for money...against people.

Al What are you, religious or something?

Ty You might say that.

Smails Ty, can I have a word with you? In private?

Ty Sure thing, Judge.

Smails Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not belong. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?

Ty Let's make it $40,000.

Al Hey, great!

Ty You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.

Carl Spackler License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill you must know your enemy, and in this case, my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will not quit, ever. They're like the Viet Cong. Varmint Cong. So what you gotta do is, you gotta fall back on superior firepower, and superior intelligence. And that's all she wrote.

Judge Elihu Smails I have a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat.

Carl Spackler This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.