Cheaper by the Dozen (2003) - Quotes

Family Challenges and Everyday Life

The Baker Family: [[w:Brent and Shane Kinsman|Shane Kinsman] ] as Kyle Baker

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A Baker's Perspective on Family Life

The Baker Family: [[w:Brent and Shane Kinsman|Brent Kinsman] ] as Nigel Baker

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Family Challenges in Everyday Life

The Baker Family: [[w:Blake Woodruff|Blake Woodruff] ] as Mike Baker

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Family Dynamics in a Chaotic Household

The Baker Family: [[w:Morgan York|Morgan York] ] as Kim Baker

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Family Dynamics in a Busy Household

The Baker Family: [[w:Liliana Mumy|Liliana Mumy] ] as Jessica Baker

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Family Dynamics in the Baker Household

The Baker Family: [[w:Forrest Landis|Forrest Landis] ] as Mark Baker

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Family Dynamics in a Large Household

The Baker Family: [[w:Jacob Smith (actor)|Jacob Smith] ] as Jake Baker

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Family Life and Its Challenges

The Baker Family: [[w:Alyson Stoner|Alyson Stoner] ] as Sarah Baker

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Family Challenges and Everyday Life

The Baker Family: [[w:Kevin Schmidt|Kevin Schmidt] ] as Henry Baker

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Family Dynamics and Expectations in Chaos

The Baker Family: [[Hilary Duff] ] as Lorraine Baker

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Family Challenges and Unexpected Surprises

The Baker Family: [[w:Tom Welling|Tom Welling] ] as Charlie Baker

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Nora Baker's Perspective on Family Dynamics

The Baker Family: [[w:Piper Perabo|Piper Perabo] ] as Nora Baker

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Navigating Family Life with Humor and Chaos

The Baker Family: [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt] ] as Kate Baker

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Family Challenges and Parenting Struggles

The Baker Family: [[Steve Martin] ] as Tom Baker

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Household Boundaries and Teen Independence

Tom: What's this?

Nora: Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?

Tom: Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.

Hank: Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.

Tom: Now would be an excellent time for you to be very, very quiet, chief. Now, get dressed and get downstairs.

Hank: Whoa.

Kate: I just... I can't believe you let things get this bad around here. I can't believe it.

Tom: Well, what can I say? You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career.

Kate: Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy. You told me to go to New York. Do you remember that? Mr. I Can Handle It. "Everything'll be okay. Go, Kate! Go!" Help me, would you?

Tom: So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?

Kate: No. I want a lot of things. So do you. That's the problem.

Tom: This isn't working.

Kate: Yeah, that's my point.

Tom: I meant the zipper.

Kate: Let's just get through the next hour, okay?

Tom: Fine.

Kate: Fine. Okay, everybody. I know it's been a difficult day, but I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces. Everything's great. We're a big, happy family. If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah. If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see em.

Mark: Mom, Beans is dead!

Sarah: Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?!

Mark: (Annoyed and irritated) STOP CALLING ME THAT! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)

Kate: DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM THAT!!

Tom: All right! Hey!

Kate: Stop! Stop! Oprah is coming!!!

Cameraman 1: What's the name of this segment again?

Cameraman 2: Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?

Cameraman 1: Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.

Hank: All I'm saying is that families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.

Nora: Does that mean you don't want children?

Hank: Children?!

Kate: Leave him alone!

Hank: Hello! Look at these, children! They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.

Tom: Nora! Come on! We need you down here!

Lorraine: You're stepping on me! You're messing up my hair! Stop!

Kate: Nigel, get off your brother's head!

Mark: Get off me! Nobody cares about me!

Nora: Mark.

Mark: Nobody cares about me!

Nora: (tries to comfort Mark) Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!

Sarah and Lorraine: What?! What are you talking about?! I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before!

Kate: Oh, no, none of that!

Tom: Hey! Hey!

Cameraman 1: No, you do not want to come here. No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.

Jake: Why am I the only normal person in this family?!

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Football Team Troubles for Charlie

Kate: What's the deal with Charlie?

Tom: Fine, thanks. How are you?

Kate: I'm sorry, hi.

Tom: Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.

Kate: What?!

Tom: Don't worry, I'm handling it.

Tom: Shake. President Gerhard.

President Gerhard: Tom.

Shake: Tom, we need a minute.

Mark: Please don't die, Beans.

President Gerhard: The university is prepared to make a huge investment in the program, but we want some assurances.

Tom: What does that mean?

Shake: We wanna know that you're committed to the football program.

President Gerhard: You have to decide who's making the bacon and who's cooking it.

Shake: So, what's it gonna be, Tom?

Kate: Tom, honey, didn't you pick up my dry-cleaning?

Tom: Yes, dear, it's in the front closet.

Shake: Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.

Kate: The wife's name is Kate, Shake.

Nigel: What a wiener.

Shake: We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over.

Conflict Between Father and Son

Charlie: Knock much?

Tom: You got kicked off the football team!

Charlie: Well, then look who decided to be a parent!

Tom: Let's check that attitude, Charlie!

Charlie: I don't fit in this town, Dad. I'm going back to Midland.

Tom: You are not dropping out of school, and you are not walking out on this family!

Charlie: [scoffs] What family? Since we've moved here, everybody's been looking out for number one, especially you and Mom.

Tom: Your mother and I are doing what we think is best for everyone!

Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You did not take this coaching job for us! You took it because you were a loser in college while Shake was out there being a superstar! If you want your shot at glory, Dad, if you wanna have it all, you do what you gotta do! But quit feeding us this line about being a happier and stronger family! This move was about you!! And you know what?! I don't have to sit here and pay the price of your life choices! I'm leaving!

Tom: You're staying.

Charlie: Are you gonna make me?

Tom: [sighs] Charlie, I love you. And I want you to have the best life that you can have. And that means you're getting a diploma.

Charlie: When I graduate, I'm gone.