31 quotes
Puppy Dog Happiness Expression
Clay Stone
I feel as happy as a puppy dog with two peters.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Experiences on the Ranch
Mitch Robbins
To Curly, as they're delivering a calf.] You know, this was not in the brochure.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Visa Charge for a New Shirt
Ed Furillo
Charge all this to my Visa I'll take that shirt, too.
[spits out chewing tobacco and it lands on a denim shirt for sale]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Seeking Peace Amidst Personal Turmoil
Phil Berquist
Now let's have some peace and quiet around here, for Christ's sakes! I'm tired! I been under a lot of stress! I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I got some sort of rash from making in the bushes!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Phil's Hyperbolic Expression of Hatred
Phil Berquist
If hate were people, I'd be China!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating with Cake in City Slickers
Mitch Robbins
Let's bring out the cake!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Transformation of Tenderfeet into Competent Ranchers
Clay Stone
When you three first got here, you were as worthless as hen shit on a pump handle. But look at ya now; a bunch of tenderfeet bringin in a whole herd!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Attraction and Life
Phil Berquist
You know, when I was alive, I would've found her attractive.
[Seeing Bonnie for the first time]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous remark about unconventional fashion choice
Ed Furillo
No, that was "I like your ass; can I wear it as a hat?".
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Contrast Between Cowboys and City Dwellers
Ed
This guy, Curly, is a true cowboy. One of the last real men. He's untamed. A mustang. We're trained ponies. It'll do us good to be in his world for a while.
Mitch
Do us good? Didn't you guys see? He was hanging the help! Did you see his eyes? He's got crazy eyes. He's a lunatic! I am telling you, we are going into the wilderness being led by a lunatic!
Mitch
He's behind me, isn't he?
Curly
Time to turn in.
Everyone, in unison
Goodnight!
Mitch
I'm sorry; I didn't mean anything by it!
[frightened]
Curly
I crap bigger than you.
Mitch
He's gonna kill me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mitch Robbins' Humorous Spin on Life's Challenges
Mitch Robbins
Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get em up, move em out, wake em up, get em dressed, get em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!
[singing]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Trust and Motivation in Leadership
Ed Furillo
TRUSTED us? They don't even KNOW us! They followed us because we yelled "yah!".
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defining the Best Day of Your Life
Phil
Alright what is the best day of your life?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curly's Preference for Redheads
Curly
She a redhead? I like redheads.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Reflection on Personal Growth
Phil Berquist
I've gotta stop being a schmuck.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dispute Over Personal Pride and Appearance
Mitch
I wish you hadn't worn this jacket.
Ed
What's wrong with it?
Mitch
Well, look at it; it's got your name and your picture on it. It's a little grotesque.
Ed
I'm proud of what I do.
Phil
So is the President; he doesn't put his picture on a suit.
Ben Jessup
Hi.
Mitch
Hi, Mitch Robbins.
[shakes Ben's hand]
Ed
I'm Ed Furillo; I sell sporting goods.
Mitch
Show him your jacket.
Phil
I'm Phil Berquist. I committed adultery, lost my job and my family.
Mitch
His jacket's being made.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Nature Encounter
Clay Stone
Great gobs of goose shit!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Perspective of City Folk
Curly
City folk.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cattle Disturbance Concerns
Curly
You're spookin the cattle.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Visit Brings Trouble for Phil
Nancy
Umm is Mr. Phil Berquist here?
[Shows up at the door during Mitch’s party]
Barbara
Can I get you something to…?
[Nancy walks past her and over to Phil]
Nancy
Mr. Berquist your housekeeper told me where you were. I’m in trouble.
Phil
What are you doing here, Nancy? Who’s on Register 9?
Nancy
I don’t know what to do.
Mitch
Rumaki?
[Holds up a tray next to Nancy]
Phil
I don’t think this is the time or the place to talk about this!
[Becoming anxious]
Nancy
I'm late!
Phil
What?
Nancy
I missed my period!
Mitch
Whoops.
Phil
What!?
Nancy
I was at work and on my break and I took one of those home pregnancy tests from Aisle 11.
Phil
The ones on special?
Nancy
Yes, and it came up blue!
Arlene
Why is she telling you this, Phil?
Phil
Because... because I'm her boss! And... we have a health plan!
[Embarrassed]
Arlene
You son of a bitch, you screwed this little girl in my father's store!?
Phil
No, no, no!
Nancy
It was in his car!
Phil
Oh, Jesus.
Nancy
And I'm not a little girl, I'm 20.
Arlene
Get out of this house, you little whore!
Phil
Hey! I will not permit you to talk to her that way.
Arlene
Fine. I'll tell my father what you did!
Phil
No, do not call Mr Levine! Hey! Put down that phone!
[struggles to take the phone from her and the phone jack is torn from the wall]
Mitch
That’s my phone!
Arlene
You're crazy!
Phil
That's right - not having sex for 12 years will do that to a person!
Mitch
Stop it.. come on, not in front of your friend’s..
[Trying to break them up]
Arlene
I’m not afraid of you! I'll call from the bedroom.
[let’s go of the phone and leaves the room]
Phil
The bedroom? How the hell would you know where the bedroom is?
Arlene
I'm calling...
[from the other room]
Phil
Go ahead, call him, I'm sure he's home! It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis!
Arlene
I hate you!
Phil
I hate you more! If hate were people, I'd be China!
Mitch
Let's bring out the cake!
[awkward pause]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Panic and Leadership in a Crisis Situation
Mitch
Whose idea was this anyway!?
[While running with the bulls in Pamplona]
Phil
THEY'RE GAINING ON US!
Ed
Andele, ANDELE!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preserving Dignity in Difficult Times
Ed Furillo
Phil, let the man keep what's left of his dignity.
[while Phil is taking pictures of Mitch getting his butt wound stitched]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Acknowledging Feelings of Inadequacy
Mitch
Feel like a schmuck?
[to Phil]
Phil
Oh yeah, big schmuck. A big one!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gender Perspectives on Sexual Motivation
Mitch Robbins
Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of an All-Bacon Diet
Phil Berquist
The man ate bacon at every meal... you just can't do that!
[at Curly's impromptu funeral]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ed's Question on Protection Choices
Ed Furillo
What'd ya use for protection, Phil; paper or plastic?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Surgical Caution from Mitch Robbins
Mitch Robbins
Excuse me, el doctor! Helloooo...? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?
[to a Spanish doctor treating a puncture wound on his buttock]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold Statement of Size and Strength
Curly
I crap bigger than you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Facing Uncertainty Together
Barbara
Go ahead, go with Phil and Ed. Find your smile.
Mitch
What if I can't?
Barbara
We'll jump off that bridge when we get to it.
[sighs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on a Midlife Crisis Adventure
Mitch Robbins
I'm 39, and I'm saying "Moo, cow!" in a river! Do you believe this!?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Passage of Time and Life Choices
Mitch Robbins
Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so fast. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud. One of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering “How come the kids don’t call? How come the kids don’t call?” The eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?
[to a classroom full of children on Career Day]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.