30 quotes
Rodrick's Impact on School Life
Greg
It's unbelievable. Even at school, Rodrick is ruining my life.
Rowley
Shh. He might hear you.
[whispers, pointing to Rodrick who is sleeping on the couch]
Greg
Nah! Watch.
[drums loudly on Manny's toy drum in Rodrick's face; He remains asleep]
Rowley
Holy cow!
Greg
He once slept through an entire day.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Life and Communication: A Stark Reminder
Rodrick Heffley
REMINDER! You can't call if you're dead.
[to Greg as he threatens to call mom]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Challenge of Authenticity and Attention
Greg
It looks fake. It has to look real.
Rowley
But how do I fake it if I'm actually falling backwards?
Greg
Maybe you need a gimmick so people notice you. Oh. Wear this on your head. Now do it again.
[gives Rowley a pair of underwear; Rowley puts his underwear on his head]
Rowley
Why can't you be the one that falls backwards in the chair?
Greg
Because. I'm not the one wearing the underwear on my head.
[Resumes the music]
Rowley
I Remember when I broke my arm? That didn't feel good at--
[sits on a tinfoil ball, resulting in him screaming loud, cuts back out of him in Greg's laptop]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Boys' Early Arrival Sparks Positive Remarks
Susan
Oh, you boys are five minutes early. Did you have a good time?
[as Greg and Rodrick return home and checks the time on her watch]
Greg
A great time.
Mrs. Kohan
That is so sweet.
Mr. Saltz
I just can't get over how well your boys get along.
Frank
Well, Larry, we run a pretty tight ship around here. It's all about boundaries, rules. Anyway, let me show you some of those Civil War re-enactment photos I was telling you about.
[connecting the camera to the TV]
Susan
So, what did you boys do?
Rodrick
Just hung out at the mall. And talked about life. Just nothing. Nothing special.
[stuttering]
Susan
Oh, my God.
Frank
Rodrick, can you explain what you're doing in this photo?
[turns to Rodrick; curiously]
Rodrick
That's not me.
Frank
That's not you?
Rodrick
Nope.
Frank
Okay. How bout these? I can't believe that you had a PARTY!
[scrolls through his camera, showing more photos of Rodrick's party; Susan presses her hand on her heart, shocked with horror; then sets the camera down as it stops on the last photo of Greg and Rowley; angrily to Rodrick]
Susan
Greg, you told me it was a couple of kids, a band rehearsal!
Frank
Wait, Susan, you knew about this?
Susan
Yes. Yes, I knew.
Rodrick
You told Mom?!
[shocked; to Greg]
Frank
I knew they had a party!
Greg
It slipped out, but I took it back!
Susan
My instincts told me you weren't being honest! I should've trusted my instincts!
Frank
Wait! You knew about this, but you didn't tell me about it?
Greg
I still protected you! I threw Mom off your scent!
Rodrick
Great job. She has no idea!
Frank
We are supposed to be a team against them!
Susan
They were getting along so well, I let it blind me to the truth!
Rodrick
Why were you taking pictures?!
Greg
It was so crazy that morning, I forgot we took the pictures.
Susan
So I let it slide. And I am so sorry. Oh, God. It feels so good to get that out. I haven't been able to look at that bathroom door for two weeks!
[points to the bathroom door]
Frank
I knew that door had a lock on it! And everybody was trying to make me feel like I was losing my mind!
Mr. Salz
We're-We're just gonna let ourselves out. I wouldn't wanna write a column about this.
[closes the door]
Frank
I'm going upstairs. To a bathroom that has a lock on it, and no one can tell me that it doesn't.
Susan
I have to go talk to your father. I will deal with you boys, later.
[to her sons; sighs sharply]
Greg
Rodrick, I really didn't tell her! I mean maybe, sort of, but I made a deal with her and we had a really good time and…
Rodrick
You're my brother. But you'll never be my friend.
[bitterly; walks upstairs]
Susan
Your father I have talked, and we've decided on your punishment.
Frank
Greg, you're grounded for two weeks. Also, no video games for two weeks.
Susan
Rodrick, you may only drive to and from school for the next month. As the ringleader, you are also grounded for a month.
Rodrick
Mom, I'm sorry, and I won't do it again.
Susan
I know you won't. And to make sure, we're also not allowing you to perform in the talent show.
Rodrick
What? No. No, you can't do that. Ground me for a year (instead), I don't care, but you have to let me play in that show! This could be my big break.
[shocked]
Susan
Sorry.
Rodrick
Dad, come on, this isn't fair. I just got Bill in the band!
[upset]
Frank
Actually, Rodrick, that doesn't help your case. Bill's kind of a jerk.
Susan
Our decision is final.
Rodrick
You are so dead.
[whispers angrily to Greg]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bathroom Door Concerns in Family Dynamics
Susan Heffley
Greg. Two words: Bathroom… door.
[enters Greg's room; sternly to Greg]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Art of Denial in Friendship
Rodrick
We've got to keep them away from the bathroom.
[whispering]
Greg
For the next 10 years?
Rodrick
Listen to me. No matter what they ask you, no matter how hard they push, deny, deny, deny; even if they figure it out, never ever admit to anything. Deny, deny, deny. Got it?
Greg
Got it. Deny, deny, deny.
Rowley
It sounds to me like, "Lie, lie, lie." I kind of wish you hadn't told me.
Greg
Don't you understand? Rodrick isn't beating me up anymore.
Rowley
But how are they not going to notice that the lock's gone?
Greg
Please. They're like, 40.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Events and Obligations in Heffley Household
Greg
Seventh grader. Sounds a lot better than sixth grader.
[gets out of the car and looks up at the sign]
Rodrick
This is a Greg thing. I don't see why I had to come.
[gets out of the car and closes the door; sighs unamusingly]
Susan
Because, Rodrick, this is a family event, and like it or not, you're part of the Heffley family.
[gets out of the car]
Frank
Yeah. That and we already paid for your ticket.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Missing Lock and Confusion Among Characters
Susan
Hey, Rodrick, could you come here, please? What happened to the lock?
Rodrick
Uhh… I don't know what you're talking about.
Susan
There was a lock on this door.
Rodrick
Um… I don't think so.
[laughs]
Susan
Rodrick, I've lived in this house for 10 years. I've locked that door 10,000 times because sometimes it's my only moment of privacy of the day. I know there was a lock on that door.
Rodrick
There wasn't. Trust me. Greg has walked in on me, like, a million times, and if there was a lock, I would use it. In fact, maybe you should put one on.
Susan
So that's your story. There was never a lock, and you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Rodrick
Yes.
Susan
Fine. I'll just go ask your brother the same thing. Greg, two words. Bathroom. Door.
[walks away, goes upstairs, and enters Greg's room; sternly]
Greg
IT WAS RODRICK! HE MADE ME! IT WAS HIS IDEA! He had the party! Someone wrote on the door, so we had to change it!
[bursting out]
Susan
I knew it. I knew it.
[starts to leave the room]
Greg
No, Mom, wait! I was exaggerating a little bit. It wasn't a party. It was a band rehearsal for the talent show. That's all it was.
[gets up from his desk and runs to the door and closes it]
Susan
We said nobody could come over. He knew the rules.
Greg
Yeah, but, Mom, if you punish him, Rodrick's gonna know I told on him. We really had a good time this weekend. But, if you do this, Rodrick and I will never ever be friends again.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Apology and Confusion at the Sleepover
Susan
Greg, is there something you want to say to Rowley and his father?
Greg
(Yes, I do.) I'm sorry for choosing an inappropriate movie for the sleepover. At least nobody got hurt this time.
[to Rowley and Mr Jefferson]
Rowley
I'm a little birdy! I'm a little birdy! My knee-bone!
[falls of the bed and injures himself]
Greg
What?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Dynamics Amidst Unexpected News
Frank
Hi. You've reached the Heffley residence. Please leave a message.
[on answering machine]
Susan
Hey, guys. Manny's sick, and we're on our way home. See you in an hour.
[through answering machine]
Rodrick
Holy…
Greg
Moly! You are in so much trouble.
[gets up from the sofa and looks around the messy house; to Rodrick]
Rodrick
Me? You lied to Mom just as much as I did, and you know how she feels about lying. She's gonna kill both of us!
Greg
You do the living room, I'll start the kitchen, go!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sibling Rivalry at a Party
Greg
Rodrick, help! The door's closed!
Rodrick
Yeah and it's staying closed. I don't need a middle schooler ruining my party.
Greg
What? I thought it was our party.
Rodrick
It's my party. Now keep quiet or I'll lock you in the dryer!
Greg
RODRICK!
[banging on the door]
Rodrick
Greg!
[mockingly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Couples Skate Announcement at the Rink
Greg
I'm going in. Cover me!
[notices that it is almost 8:00; to Rowley]
Bill
All rockers and hardcore skaters off the rink, unless you're lookin for love. It's time for Couples Skate!
[over P.A.]
Greg
I'm making my move.
[prepares to tap Holly on the shoulder]
Bill
STOP!!!! Enough of that total lameness! Who's ready to ROCK?! Yeah!
[over P.A.; The music stops; Greg turns around; plays the intro to "Cut Throat" by Kittie]
Rodrick
Whoo!
[makes the "Double Horns" sign with both hands]
Holly
Come on, let's get outta here. Come on.
[she and her friends exit the rink]
Rowley
What're we gonna do?!
[panicking]
Greg
Stay calm. All we have to do is just stay here.
Greg
Rowley! Hang on!
Rowley
WHOOOOOOOA!!!
[shrieking]
Susan
GREG HEFFLEY! This is your mother! Everything is going to be okay. Stay where you are, and your father is going to come rescue you. I repeat, everything is going to be okay. Okay, here he comes. Here comes Frank. I see him. He's on his way. Okay.
[over P.A.]
Greg
Dad!
Frank
I know, I know.
Susan
Okay. Alright. Everyone, go back to skating!
[over P.A.]
Frank
You alright?
Greg
Yeah.
Rodrick
Hey, Romeo. How'd it go with the new girl?
Greg
WHOOOA!!!!
[grunts angrily and lunges at Rodrick, screaming; lands onto Taylor's birthday cake; Rodrick laughs; lifts his head up off the smashed cake, his face covered in frosting]
Taylor
You ruined my birthday! You jerk!
[furiously; to Greg]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nostalgia for Youthful Memories and Celebrations
Susan Heffley
Oh, honey, hi! Remember when we were young like this? And we used to dance and go to parties and stuff like that?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggling with Expectations and Public Embarrassment
Susan Heffley
What did I say about being civil to one another?! That's all I asked of you! Well, you have blown it big time! Never been more embarrassed. Everyone we know was there. I have no idea how I'm gonna write my column this week. I feel like a complete fraud!
[as time passes; emotionally]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Brotherhood and Friendship: A Complex Relationship
Rodrick Heffley
You're my brother. But you'll never be my friend.
[bitterly to Greg]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Dynamics and Unexpected Enjoyment
Greg
Okay. The note was a minor setback, but at least things are still going well with Rodrick. It's amazing but I'm actually enjoying watching Loded Diper rehearse for the talent show. Bill's taken the band to a whole new level.
[narrating]
Bill
Somebody farted.
[speaks into the microphone; echoing]
Rodrick
I got one. I got one. I got a good one. I got a good one. Somebody farted.
[speaks into the microphone; echoing]
Greg
My dad should be happy that I'm hanging out with Rodrick. But I don't think he really likes Bill. I think what he's worried about is I'll turn out like Rodrick, Manny'll turn out like me, and eventually, we'll all turn out like Bill.
[laughs and turns at his father; narrating]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Band Practice and Family Responsibilities
Rodrick
This is huge, I've gotta call the band. W-We've gotta practice. THIS COULD BE OUR BIG BREAK!!!
Susan
Ah, ah, ah, wait a second. Aren't you forgetting something?
Rodrick
What? I showered yesterday. Smell.
Susan
Okay, okay, okay, okay. We agreed that you'd give a drum lesson to Greg.
Greg
You were serious?
Susan
Who knows? Maybe you guys will really like it and we can form a family band.
[gasps]
Recorded music
Hello, world. Here's a song that we're singin'. Come on, get happy! A whole lot of loving is what we'll be bringin'. We'll make you happy!
[song: "Get Happy"]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Need for Personal Space and Privacy
Susan Heffley
Rodrick, I've lived in this house for 10 years. I've locked that door 10,000 times because sometimes it's my only moment of privacy of the day. I know there was a lock on that door.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Birthday Wish with Unexpected Humor
Heffleys and Rowley
Happy birthday, Grandpa!
Grandpa Heffley
Next year, I want a chocolate cake.
Greg
That is if you're alive next year.
Susan
Greg!
[annoyed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introducing the New Girl in Town
Greg
Who is that?
[surprised]
Chirag
Her name is Holly Hills. She just moved here.
[skates up next to them]
Greg
What grade is she in?
Chirag
Seventh. She's an all-star soccer player, has done professional modeling, and was her sixth grade class president. She moved here from Oregon because her father got a big promotion. They drive a hybrid SUV, live on the north side of town in a cul-de-sac near the park. What? I googled her. She's a picture of loveliness, is she not?
[Greg and Rowley look at him, confused]
Rowley
She's almost as pretty as my mom.
Chirag
She's going to be very popular.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rodrick's Perspective on Mom Bucks Opportunity
Rodrick Heffley
This "Mom Bucks" thing is a gold mine muchacho. Better not ruin it for me.
[to Greg]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Classroom Seat Conflict Among Friends
Rowley
Greg, look who's in our class.
[points to Holly]
Greg
This was my chance. If I could sit next to Holly, I'd have the whole year to show her how great I am.
[spots a desk that's sitting next to Holly's; narrating]
Patty
No way, Greg Heffley. This is my seat.
Greg
No, it's not. I was here first.
Patty
It's mine!
[grunting]
Greg
Let go!
Patty
You know I'm stronger than you, Greg Heffley.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Acknowledging Technological Advances and Their Impact
Holly
In conclusion, without last century's technological advances, there'd be no computers, cell phones, or modern medical miracles. And so for that, we salute and thank our ancestors from 100 years ago.
Mr. Draybick
Thank you, Holly. That was excellent work. Now I think we have time for one more. I have to say that when I read this paper, I was a bit surprised by its content. But more than any other, this one deserves to be read out loud. Greg?
[turns the lights back on; takes out Greg's assignment binder; lowers the binder to Greg]
Rowley
Yay, Greg!
[clapping]
Mr. Draybick
Just read it, Greg. All of it.
Greg
Sometimes I sit and wonder about stuff I do not know, like, what the earth was like a hundred years ago. Did cavemen ride on dinosaurs? Did flowers even grow? Did spiders rule the earth? Were deserts filled with snow? There were no books or humans, so how are we to know what the earth was like a hundred years ago?
[reading his assignment]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rodrick's Unexpected Moment with Holly
Rodrick Heffley
I can't believe my luck! I finally have Holly all to myself without Chirag, or anyone else!
[running with Greg's diary]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Weekend of Consequences and Embarrassment
Taylor
POOP! HE'S POOPED HIS PANTS!
Greg
No, it isn't what it looks like! It isn't! It's chocolate! Chocolate, see? Hyah!
[eats a bit of it, then everyone in the church gets grossed out, so humiliated; Rodrick laughs; furiously lunges himself at Rodrick as they have a scuffle on the floor]
Susan
What did I say about being civil to one another?! That's all I asked of you! Well, you have blown it big time! Never been more embarrassed. Everyone we know was there. I have no idea how I'm gonna write my column this week. I feel like a complete fraud! Well, you have brought this on yourselves. You can kiss Rockin Rapids goodbye. You two will stay here together all weekend and work out your differences. And if you don't, I will… and trust me, you don't want any part of that. Do you understand?
[as time passes…; emotionally]
Rodrick
Yes.
Greg
Yes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Incentives for a Ride Home
Rodrick
Get in.
Greg
Why? What are you doing here?
Rodrick
Mom said she'd pay "Mom Bucks" if I drove you home from school.
[he and his friend laugh and high-five]
Greg
We'd rather walk.
Rodrick
Get in. Now!
[gets out and opens the back door for Greg and Rowley. Greg immediately notices that the back seats are gone]
Greg
What happened to the seats?
Rodrick
Oh, I needed the room for my new equipment.
Greg
How'd you have the money for that?
Rodrick
Oh, you know..."Mom Bucks".
[shuts the door]
Greg
There's no way. You only earned like... five.
Greg and Rowley
WHHHHHOOOOOOA!!! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!!!!!!!!
[screaming]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Cookie Chaos Among Siblings
Greg
What?!
Rowley
Hey! A cookie.
Greg
Manny, what have you done?
Manny
I'm only 3.
Susan
What's going on? What'd you do to him?
[walks in]
Greg
Nothing, he ruined my video game.
Susan
He didn't anything on purpose, did you honey?
[gasps]
Manny
No, I didn't.
Susan
No, he didn't. He's only three.
Manny
I'm only 3.
[pokes his tongue out at Greg as Susan takes him away]
Susan
Okay, let's go, sweetie. You want another cookie?
Greg
It's so unfair. I have Rodrick making my life a misery on one side, and Manny attacking me from the other. And I'm the only one who seems to get blamed for anything. Wonder what it'd be like to have a family that actually loves me.
[narrating]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Weekend Challenges with Sibling Dynamics
Greg
On weekends, I try to stay as far away from my brothers as possible. But on Sunday morning, I have no choice.
[narrating]
Manny
Poopy.
Susan
Oh, Greg! It looks like he has a candy bar on there.
Greg
MANNY!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sibling Tensions and Embarrassment Threats
Rodrick
Listen up. If you do anything that embarrasses me, ANYTHING at all, I will-
[whispering angrily to the boys]
Greg
You will what?
Rodrick
Just, stay out of my way… nerds.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Weekend Chaos at Grandpa's Retirement Community
Greg
Things have never been worse. Our parents are super mad at us, so we have to spend the weekend at my Grandpa's boring retirement community. Holly Hills thinks I'm Fregley, and my relationship with Rodrick is at an all-time low. So, he's made it his mission to ruin my life. Quit it!
[narrating; walks with Rodrick and their grandfather towards his retirement hotel room, Rodrick kicks him from behind him, still sore about his punishment; angrily turns to Rodrick]
Rodrick
Why don't you tell Mom? You're good at that.
[annoyed]
Greg
Grandpa doesn't like TV. Instead, he prefers to watch the lobby on the security channel.
[narrating]
Rodrick
I should be rehearsing right now.
Greg
Please, Grandpa. Please, can we watch a real TV show now?
Grandpa
TV is just a bunch of fakers. This is real life.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.