Diary of a Wimpy Kid (2010) - Quotes

Rowley: Remember that secret language we made up last week?

Greg: We got to stay in this neighborhood the rest of the night.

Rowley: That guy gave two full-size Snickers!

Greg: Did I tell you or did I tell you? These people have money to burn. Can't believe we got this much candy. This is like the best day ever.

Teenager: Hey, reflector dude, nice costume!

Rowley: Thanks! My mom made it...

Greg: [Teenagers' truck stops and starts to back up] I saw your plates! We're calling the cops! Uh-oh.

Rowley: Oh, boy.

Greg: RUN!

Angie: Y'know, I like your point of view. You should sign up for the school paper. We are the voice of the people. Well, the people are mostly idiots so I guess technically speaking we're the voice of the people making fun of the people.

Chirag Gupta: STOP! Good God, man! You almost got the Cheese Touch!

Greg: The what?

Chirag: The Cheese Touch.

Angie Steadman: It all starts in middle school, y'know. You're not a kid anymore, the coddling's stopped. Kids aren't separated by intelligence. The weak are picked on. The girls you've known since kindergarten won't even talk to you anymore.

Greg: Okay, well it sounds like you've got it all figured out, so go back to your book.

Bully: Jerk.

Greg: Rowley, if you had to say what you were ranked in terms of popularity from 1 to 200, where would you put yourself?

Rowley Jefferson: Is 200 good or bad?

Greg: I'd say you're somewhere around the 154 mark. I'd put myself around number 19 or 20. I might even have a shot at the top spot by the end of the year. If things will go the way I think they will.

Rowley: Well, who's at the bottom?

Fregley: [lifts up his shirt] Hey, guys! You wanna see my secret freckle?

Greg & Rowley: EEEWWW!

Greg: [narrating] Fregley, sent home for hygiene issues at least once a month.

Fregley: Check it out. It's got a hair in it!

Greg Heffley: OK, first of all, let me get something straight, this is a journal, not a diary. Yeah, I know what it says on the cover, but when my mom went out to buy this thing, I specifically told her not to buy the thing that says "diary" on it. This just proves that Mom doesn't understand anything about kids my age.

Bully: [punches Greg] Huh, Sissy!

Greg: The only reason why I agreed to write in this thing, is because one day, when I'm rich and famous, I'll have better things to do than answer people's stupid questions all day long.

Reporter #1: Gregory! Tell us about your childhood!

Reporter #2: Were you always so smart and handsome?

Greg: Here's my journal. Now shoo, shoo.

Rodrick Heffley: [Greg run offs. Rowley holds onto to Rodrick's leg to stop him] What? Let go, baby hippo!

Rodrick Heffley: It's the bass solo, Turd Burglar! Don't you know anything about music? Listen, I came here to get a new drumstick, and now Greg, since Mom and Dad are gone, I'm going to kill you. Literally kill you!

Rodrick Heffley: What did I tell you would happen if you ever went into my room again?

Rodrick Heffley: [sighs; patting Greg's head] So, look. Mom asked me to give you some advice about middle school. It's real simple: don't talk to anyone, don't look at anyone, don't go anywhere, don't sit down, don't raise your hand, don't go to the bathroom, don't get noticed, don't choose the wrong locker, don't... Who am I kidding? You'll be dead or homeschooled by the end of the year anyway. And don't be seen with Rowley.

Angie Steadman: You know, Patty? One day you'll wake up and all the things you thought were important won't be anymore.

Angie Steadman: You rejected the school paper, but you joined the Safety Patrol? Are you working your way down the evolutionary ladder?

Angie Steadman: It's completely barbaric. This place is an intellectual wasteland, but it's nice to meet a person more interested in his mind than his body.

Patty Farrell: Can I wrestle with somebody Good Now?

Patty Farrell: Who let you into the school, Greg Heffley?

Patty Farrell: [grunts] Come on! What are you waiting for, huh? Don't be such a wuss, Heffley. Make your move!

Fregley: Wanna have a tickle fight?

Fregley: I guess this is where all the cool guys hang out.

Fregley: [singsong voice] Hey, guys. Wanna see my secret freckle? Check it out, it’s got a hair in it!

Chirag Gupta: This is a terrible place!

Chirag Gupta: [Scene flashes forward to before the Cheese became moldy; Darren puts his finger on the Cheese; Darren cries in the hallway; Darren touches an unsuspecting girl, thus giving her the Cheese Touch; Flash forward to the present] The Cheese Touch. Nobody knows when or how, but one day, that cheese mysteriously appeared on the blacktop. Nobody knew who it belonged to. Nobody touched it, nobody threw it away. So there it sat, growing more foul and powerful by the day. And then, one day, a kid named Darren Walsh made the biggest mistake of his life. Darren had the Cheese Touch! It was worse than nuclear cooties. He became an outcast. The only way to get rid of the Cheese Touch was by passing it on to someone else. And so began the Cheese Touch frenzy! Friend turning on friend, brother turning on sister, it was madness! Until, a German exchange student named Dieter Müller took it away. Sadly for Dieter, that fact was lost in translation. Thankfully, he moved back to Düsseldorf, and took the Cheese Touch with him. And so the Cheese sits, patiently waiting for its next victim.

Chirag Gupta: [Sees Greg trying to touch the Cheese] STOP! Good God, man! You almost got the Cheese Touch.

Rowley Jefferson: Wow. Everyone knows me now. lt's like l'm famous!

Rowley Jefferson: [repeated line] Zoo-wee-mama!

Rowley Jefferson: So, wanna play Twisted Wizard?

Rowley Jefferson: [in robotic voice] My name is Bell E. Button. What's yours?

Greg Heffley: She's a girl! Where do I grab her?

Greg Heffley: [after getting teased by Quentin] Right now, I have to take abuse from these morons. But in twenty years, Quentin here will be workin for me.

Greg Heffley: Thank God there are a few normal people or this place would be a total freak show.

Greg Heffley: Let me just say for the record that I think middle school may be the dumbest idea ever invented.