18 quotes
Evolving Themes in American Pageants
Gladys
Wait, wait, wait. I think I just thought of a theme... "Proud to be an American".
Interviewer
So what was the theme of the pageant last year?
Gladys
Oh, that was "Buy American".
Interviewer
And the year before that was?
Gladys
USA's A-OK
Interviewer
And can you remember the theme of your favourite pageant?
Gladys
Can I? "Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this, I don't know, maybe it's a gift from God, or something.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Teen Princess Meets Unexpected Comment
Terry Macey
And you are?
Amber
Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
Terry
Funny, you don't look dead.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Tense Exchange Between Friends
Candy Striper
Hey, lil Miss Sad-pants and her friend Serious Sally, how about some nice cool mints to turn those frowns upside-down.
Loretta
D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if I shoved your head up your ass?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aiming to Win Through Maternal Encouragement
Becky Ann Leeman
My Mom gave me this 9mil for my birthday, I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners". That's why, no matter what I do, I aim to win.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Determining the Winner Amidst Uncertainty
John Dough
Well, you know, we'll, uh, compare scores and figure out a winner. Cause, I mean, we don't know who the winner is yet. I have no idea who Jean picked... or Harold... no idea.
Hank
I know who the winner is, I know who the winner is... Harold, I know who the winner is.
John
God damn, that's it. Shut your Goddamn mouth.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cultural References in a Lighthearted Exchange
Gladys
You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin and dancin since she was knee high to a pig's eye.
Lester
Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye.
Gladys
Sammy Davis, Jr., honey.
Lester
Yeah, yeah, the Jew.
Becky
Nice one, Dad. He's dead.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating a Win and Going to State
Becky
I'm so excited. I mean, I won. I'm a winner. And I'm going to State.
Gladys
She's a winner. And we're going to State!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Temptation and Responsibility in Communal Settings
Gladys Leeman
Hello Father Donnagan, sidewalks? sidewalks? Iris, stop it, it's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too tempting for some of them.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for a Bag of Donuts
Hank
I want a big bag of little donuts.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Misunderstanding About Body Image
Amber
Nice, Becky, she's anorexic.
Becky
She's skinny Amber, not deaf!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pride in American Symbolism and Greatness
Becky Ann Leeman
I chose Mount Rushmore, cause to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans who did so much to make our country super great, well that makes me, Rebecca Leeman, proud to be an American.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Swan Incident Causes Urgent Parental Concern
Gladys Leeman
Oh my God! My baby. That swan ate my baby. Baby, please, get out, we gotta go to State!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confidence and Competition in a Beauty Pageant
Tammy
Maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant, but other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club either, and I did. It's just like Anthony Robins says, "I'm a winner, nobody can stop me, but me".
Annette
I shoved your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out of the house, you go find the guy who cut them off, he'll give em to you so you can practice for the pageant.
Leslie
They'll never let you perform naked, I asked.
Hank
Harold, Harold, Are we on cops again Harold?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pageant Pressure and Frustration Unleashed
Amber
This is bullshit.
Iris
Amber Atkins, that is not American Teen Princess language.
Amber
Good. Because this isn't an American Teen Princess pageant. This is.. this is.. this is.. Nazi Germany! (storms off)
Iris
Where do they get this stuff?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Secrets and Lasting Impact
Amber Atkins
Oh no, my mom never kept a secret of the fact my dad chose his career over us. What was it she used to say? Once a carnie, always a carnie. Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Power of Appearance and Perception
Tagline
If looks could kill...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Discussion About a Parking Fine
Iris
It's a $200 fine.
Gladys
I told you I'd move the car if a cripple came. Now, just run in the store and pick out some outfits.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings in Family Dynamics
Amber
Mom! Mom! Mom!
Firefighter
You family?
Loretta
Oh no, she's just screaming "Mom, Mom" cause she's got Tourettes. She's Annette's kid, dipshit.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.