Duck Soup (1933) - Quotes

Prepare for Laughter and Absurdity

Taglines: Bring Your Straight Jackets. You'll Roll In the Aisles.

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The Art of Culinary Expression

Taglines: The fanciest dish of screams—howls—beauty and music ever concocted.

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Mad Marxes Serve Up Laughter in Duck Soup

Taglines: Laughing Soup...concocted, brewed and dished up by the Mad Marxes...Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Zeppo.

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A Hilarious Journey Through Chaos and Fun

Taglines: A wild crazy nightmare of fun!

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Memorable Gags and Songs in Duck Soup

Taglines: Gags the whole town will be telling! Songs that will burst your bathroom walls! BOY HOW THEY HAND IT OUT!

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Marx Brothers' Humorous Take on War

Taglines: War Is Swell ...when the Marx Brothers are in it. They'll be out of the trenches by Christmas...if the food doesn't improve.

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Changing Sides for Better Food

Firefly: You're the Secretary of War. Why don't you do something?

Chicolini: I've done it already. I've changed to the other side.

Firefly: You're on the other side, eh? Then what are you doing over here?

Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.

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Misunderstanding Terminology in a Humorous Exchange

Chicolini: I wouldn't go out there unless I had one of those big iron things that go up and down. What do you call those things?

Firefly: Tanks.

Chicolini: You're welcome.

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Misunderstanding Leads to Humorous Exchange

Prosecutor: Something must be done. War would meant a prohibitive increase in our taxes.

Chicolini: Hey, I've got an uncle that lives in Taxes.

Prosecutor: No, I'm talking about taxes. Money. Dollars.

Chicolini: Dollas! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollas, Taxes!

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A Change of Heart and Its Limitations

Mrs. Teasdale: Ambassador Trentino is here on a friendly visit. He's had a change of heart.

Firefly: A lot of good that'll do him! He's still got the same face.

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High Stakes and Treasonous Charges

Chicolini: Hello, boss!

Firefly: Chicolini, I bet you eight-to-one we find you guilty.

Chicolini: At's-a no good; I can get ten-to-one at the barbershop.

Officer: Chicolini, you're charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.

Chicolini: I object.

Officer: [scoffs] Oh, you object? On what grounds?

Chicolini: I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Firefly: [raps gavel] Objection sustained.

Officer: Your Excellency, you sustained the objection?!

Firefly: Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say, either. Why don't you object?

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Perception vs. Belief in Conflict

Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!

Chicolini: [in disguise as Rufus T. Firefly] Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

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The Paradox of Being Found and Lost

Vera: Oh, for heaven's sake, don't make a sound. If you found, you lost.

Chicolini: Oh, you crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?

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A Lesson in Unwanted Skills

Lemonade Vendor: I'll teach you to kick me!

Chicolini: [kicks him] You don't have to teach me—I know how!

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The Cost-Saving Argument for a Standing Army

Chicolini: I think we should have a standing army.

Firefly: Why should we have a standing army?

Chicolini: Because that way we save money on chairs!

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A Dog's Journey to the Pole

Chicolini: [[Richard E. Byrd|Admiral Byrd] He's some smart dog. You know, he went with ] to the Pole.

Firefly: I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.

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Cabinet Meeting Highlights Miscommunication and Confusion

Treasury minister: Your Excellency, here's the Treasury department's report. I hope you'll find it clear.

Firefly: Clear?" Huh! Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report! (aside as he passes the report to Bob Roland) Run out and find me a four-year-old child; I can't make head or tail out of it. And now, members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business.

Trade Minister: I wish to discuss the tariff.

Firefly: [pause] Sit down, that's new business. No old business? Very well, we'll take up new business.

Trade Minister: Now about the tariff-

Firefly: Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.

Secretary of War: Gentlemen, as your Secretary of war-

Firefly: The Secretary of War is out of order! Which reminds me, so is the plumbing. Make a note of that. Never mind, I'll do it myself.

Labor Minister: The Department of Labor wishes to report that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours.

Firefly: Very well, then we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes. (the Cabinet exchange startled looks) Now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new Treasurer.

Labor Minister: But you appointed one last week!

Firefly: That's the one I'm looking for!

Secretary of War: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Enough of this. How about taking up the tax?

Firefly: How about taking up the carpet?

Secretary of War: I still insist we take up the tax!

Firefly: [to Bob Roland] He's right—you've got to take up the tacks before you take up the carpet.

Secretary of War: I give all my time and energy to my duties, and what do I get?

Firefly: You get awfully tiresome after a while.

Secretary of War: Sir, you try my patience.

Firefly: I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine some time.

Secretary of War: That's the last straw! I resign. I wash my hands of the whole business!

Firefly: Good idea. You can wash your neck too.

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Humorous Exchange About Tracking Firefly

Trentino: Have you been trailing Firefly?

Chicolini: Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner he's got a nose just like a bloodhound!

Trentino: Oh really?

Chicolini: Yes, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.

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A Gala Day and Its Humor

Mrs. Teasdale: The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.

Firefly: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.

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A Conversation About Loss and Excuses

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?

Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.

Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.

Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away.

Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.

Firefly: Oh, I see. Then, it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

Mrs. Teasdale: He left me his entire fortune.

Firefly: [jumps into her arms] Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you!

Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, your Excellency!

Firefly: You're not so bad yourself.

A Confusing Encounter Between Two Characters

Trentino: Your Excellency, haven't we seen each other somewhere before?

Firefly: I don't think so; I'm not sure I'm seeing you now, it must be something I ate.

Trentino: Look here, sir, are you trying to-?!

Firefly: Don't look now... but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

Reception Committee Greetings and Humor

Mrs. Teasdale: As chairwoman of the reception committee, I extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of Freedonia.

Rufus T Firefly: [Fans out a deck of playing cards] Never mind that stuff, take a card.

Mrs. Teasdale: [Picks one from the fan] Card? What do I do with the card?

Firefly: You can keep it. I got fifty one left! Now, what were you saying?

Mrs. Teasdale: As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.

Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?

Mrs. Teasdale: I've sponsored your appointment because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.

Firefly: Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it; I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.