29 quotes
A Gala Day and Its Humor
Mrs. Teasdale
The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.
Firefly
Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Exchange About Tracking Firefly
Trentino
Have you been trailing Firefly?
Chicolini
Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner he's got a nose just like a bloodhound!
Trentino
Oh really?
Chicolini
Yes, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lesson in Unwanted Skills
Lemonade Vendor
I'll teach you to kick me!
Chicolini
You don't have to teach me—I know how!
[kicks him]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
High Stakes and Treasonous Charges
Chicolini
Hello, boss!
Firefly
Chicolini, I bet you eight-to-one we find you guilty.
Chicolini
At's-a no good; I can get ten-to-one at the barbershop.
Officer
Chicolini, you're charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.
Chicolini
I object.
Officer
Oh, you object? On what grounds?
[scoffs]
Chicolini
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Firefly
Objection sustained.
[raps gavel]
Officer
Your Excellency, you sustained the objection?!
Firefly
Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say, either. Why don't you object?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Cost-Saving Argument for a Standing Army
Chicolini
I think we should have a standing army.
Firefly
Why should we have a standing army?
Chicolini
Because that way we save money on chairs!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dog's Journey to the Pole
Chicolini
He's some smart dog. You know, he went with ] to the Pole.
[[Richard E. Byrd|Admiral Byrd]
Firefly
I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Changing Sides for Better Food
Firefly
You're the Secretary of War. Why don't you do something?
Chicolini
I've done it already. I've changed to the other side.
Firefly
You're on the other side, eh? Then what are you doing over here?
Chicolini
Well, the food is better over here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Honor and Irony in Rufus T. Firefly's Words
Rufus T. Firefly
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Memorable Gags and Songs in Duck Soup
Taglines
Gags the whole town will be telling! Songs that will burst your bathroom walls! BOY HOW THEY HAND IT OUT!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Request for Headquarters, Not Hindquarters
Rufus T. Firefly
Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters, headquarters!
[on a telephone]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Paradox of Being Found and Lost
Vera
Oh, for heaven's sake, don't make a sound. If you found, you lost.
Chicolini
Oh, you crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Marx Brothers' Humorous Take on War
Taglines
War Is Swell ...when the Marx Brothers are in it. They'll be out of the trenches by Christmas...if the food doesn't improve.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Terminology in a Humorous Exchange
Chicolini
I wouldn't go out there unless I had one of those big iron things that go up and down. What do you call those things?
Firefly
Tanks.
Chicolini
You're welcome.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perception vs. Reality of Intelligence
Rufus T. Firefly
Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot. But don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mad Marxes Serve Up Laughter in Duck Soup
Taglines
Laughing Soup...concocted, brewed and dished up by the Mad Marxes...Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Zeppo.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reception Committee Greetings and Humor
Mrs. Teasdale
As chairwoman of the reception committee, I extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of Freedonia.
Rufus T Firefly
Never mind that stuff, take a card.
[Fans out a deck of playing cards]
Mrs. Teasdale
Card? What do I do with the card?
[Picks one from the fan]
Firefly
You can keep it. I got fifty one left! Now, what were you saying?
Mrs. Teasdale
As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
Firefly
Is that so? How late do you stay open?
Mrs. Teasdale
I've sponsored your appointment because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.
Firefly
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it; I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Hilarious Journey Through Chaos and Fun
Taglines
A wild crazy nightmare of fun!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Prepare for Laughter and Absurdity
Taglines
Bring Your Straight Jackets. You'll Roll In the Aisles.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perception vs. Belief in Conflict
Mrs. Teasdale
But I saw you with my own eyes!
Chicolini
Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?
[in disguise as Rufus T. Firefly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cabinet Meeting Highlights Miscommunication and Confusion
Treasury minister
Your Excellency, here's the Treasury department's report. I hope you'll find it clear.
Firefly
Clear?" Huh! Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report! (aside as he passes the report to Bob Roland) Run out and find me a four-year-old child; I can't make head or tail out of it. And now, members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business.
Trade Minister
I wish to discuss the tariff.
Firefly
Sit down, that's new business. No old business? Very well, we'll take up new business.
[pause]
Trade Minister
Now about the tariff-
Firefly
Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.
Secretary of War
Gentlemen, as your Secretary of war-
Firefly
The Secretary of War is out of order! Which reminds me, so is the plumbing. Make a note of that. Never mind, I'll do it myself.
Labor Minister
The Department of Labor wishes to report that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours.
Firefly
Very well, then we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes. (the Cabinet exchange startled looks) Now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new Treasurer.
Labor Minister
But you appointed one last week!
Firefly
That's the one I'm looking for!
Secretary of War
Gentlemen, gentlemen. Enough of this. How about taking up the tax?
Firefly
How about taking up the carpet?
Secretary of War
I still insist we take up the tax!
Firefly
He's right—you've got to take up the tacks before you take up the carpet.
[to Bob Roland]
Secretary of War
I give all my time and energy to my duties, and what do I get?
Firefly
You get awfully tiresome after a while.
Secretary of War
Sir, you try my patience.
Firefly
I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine some time.
Secretary of War
That's the last straw! I resign. I wash my hands of the whole business!
Firefly
Good idea. You can wash your neck too.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Art of Culinary Expression
Taglines
The fanciest dish of screams—howls—beauty and music ever concocted.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
An Unwelcome Presence in the Room
Rufus T. Firefly
Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for Freedom and Distraction
Rufus T. Firefly
Hey let me out! Let me out of here, or throw me a magazine!
[locked in a closet]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Confusing Encounter Between Two Characters
Trentino
Your Excellency, haven't we seen each other somewhere before?
Firefly
I don't think so; I'm not sure I'm seeing you now, it must be something I ate.
Trentino
Look here, sir, are you trying to-?!
Firefly
Don't look now... but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Loss and Excuses
Firefly
Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale
Why, he's dead.
Firefly
I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale
I was with him to the very end.
Firefly
Hmmph. No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale
I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Firefly
Oh, I see. Then, it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Mrs. Teasdale
He left me his entire fortune.
Firefly
Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you!
[jumps into her arms]
Mrs. Teasdale
Oh, your Excellency!
Firefly
You're not so bad yourself.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Legal Advice Post-Graduation
Rufus T. Firefly
I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Change of Heart and Its Limitations
Mrs. Teasdale
Ambassador Trentino is here on a friendly visit. He's had a change of heart.
Firefly
A lot of good that'll do him! He's still got the same face.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Leads to Humorous Exchange
Prosecutor
Something must be done. War would meant a prohibitive increase in our taxes.
Chicolini
Hey, I've got an uncle that lives in Taxes.
Prosecutor
No, I'm talking about taxes. Money. Dollars.
Chicolini
Dollas! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollas, Taxes!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dancing Preferences in Humorous Context
Rufus T. Firefly
I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.