23 quotes
Job Loss and Insults Among Friends
Harry
So you got fired again?
Lloyd
Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya know.
Harry
Yeah, I lost my job too.
Lloyd
Man, You are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry
No, none taken. You know what really chaffs my ass, though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog.
Lloyd
Hi, Petey!
Harry
The alarm alone cost me 200.
Lloyd
Hey! Chicks love it. It's a shaggin wagon.
Harry
What's with the briefcase?
Lloyd
It's a love memento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport, sparks flew, emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man.
Harry
Get out of here.
Lloyd
Oh, yeah, yeah, tractor beam. Sucked me right in. Anyway... she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and out of my life.
[imitates tractor beam by whistling]
Harry
What's in it?
Lloyd
Man... I would have to be a lowlife to go rooting around in somebody else's private property.
Harry
Is it locked?
Lloyd
Yeah, really well.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Mistakes and Finding Solutions
Lloyd
I'm only human, Harry! Anybody can make a mistake. Come on! Stop bein a baby! So we backtracked a tad!
Harry
A TAD?!! (he furiously runs up to Lloyd) A tad, Lloyd?! You drove almost a 6th of the way across the country in the wrong... DIRECTION!!! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen! We don't have enough money to get home! We don't have enough money to eat! We don't have enough money... TO SLEEP!!
Lloyd
Well, it's not gonna do us any good to sit here whinin about it. We're in a hole. We're just gonna have to dig ourselves out.
Harry
(nods unhappily) Okay. Right. You're right. You're absolutely right, Lloyd.
Lloyd
Where ya goin'?
Harry
Home. I'm walking home!
Lloyd
Oh! Well, pardon me, Mr. PERFECT!!! (nervously laughs) I guess I forgot that you never, ever make a mistake!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Life's Simple Choices for Harry and Lloyd
Taglines
For Harry and Lloyd every day is a no-brainer.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Most Annoying Sound in the World
Lloyd Christmas
Hey. Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
[makes a loud, weird noise]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unusual Culinary Preference Expressed by Character
Lloyd Christmas
(about a passing woman at the preservation society) I'd like to eat her liver with some "farver" beans and a nice bottle of chianti!
[he and Harry imitate Hannibal Lecter]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comment on Physical Appearance
Harry Dunne
Nice set of hooters you got there.
[to Mary, while looking at a pair of owls]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Meal with Unconventional Plans
Joe
Yeah, it's Mental. I'm just sitting down to a nice meal with our boys.
[on the phone with Nicholas]
Nicholas
Oh, how nice for you. Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left! Look, I can't have these guys runnin around Aspen!
Joe
Don't worry. They ain't gonna be runnin around nowhere after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Childish Game of Quitsies and Anti-Quitsies
Lloyd
You're it.
[nudges Harry]
Harry
You're it.
[nudges Lloyd]
Lloyd
You're it, quitsies!
[nudges Harry]
Harry
Anti-quitsies. You're it! Quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
[nudges Lloyd]
Lloyd
You can't do that!
Harry
Can too!
Lloyd
Cannot, stamped it!
Harry
Can too, double stamped it, no erasies!
Lloyd
Cannot, triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue make it true.
[puts his hands over his ears and sings]
Harry
No! No! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! LLOYD! LLOYD! You c--
Joe
GUYS!!! ENOUGH!!
Lloyd
Hey... want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?
[makes a really loud noise and Harry does it with him]
Joe
GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! Fellas... you think we could... listen to the radio or something?
Lloyd
Radio? Who needs a radio? Ready, Harry? Mock...
[singing]
Harry
Yeah...
[singing]
Lloyd
Ing...
Harry
Yeah...
Lloyd
Bird...
Harry
Yeah...
Lloyd
Yeah...
Harry
Yeah...
Both
Mockingbird, everybody have you heard?
[singing]
Harry
Hey, Lloyd, look! There's some people who wanna ride too.
Lloyd
Pick em up!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over a Stolen Briefcase
Joe
(sees a note on Harry and Lloyd's door) Those rat bastards. They're rubbin it right in our faces.
Shay
Man! Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrage if we don't get that briefcase back!
Joe
They must've been followin us for weeks.
Shay
Why ya say?
Joe
Gas Man". How the hell do they know that I got gas?
Shay
They gotta be pros.
Joe
Don't worry. We're gonna get that money back. And I'll tell you somethin else. They ain't never gettin to Aspen. I'm gonna see to that.
[crumples the note]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Inappropriate Desire for a Young Boy
Lloyd Christmas
Mary, I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Fragility of Life
Lloyd Christmas
Life's a fragile thing, Harr. One minute you're chewin on a burger, and the next minute you're dead meat.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion and Chaos over a Phone Number
Beth
The number's 555-...
Harry
(quietly and rapidly) 555-...
Beth
905-- Wait a minute, that's my old number. (laughs) That is so weird how your mind just goes blank!
Harry
(screams while his left leg is on fire) FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIMME THE DAMN NUMBER!!!
Beth
Okay, look. Uh, you're gonna get pushy, forget about it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Complementary Flaws in Friendship
Taglines
What the one doesn't have, the other is missing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual Conversation Between Friends
Harry
Hi, Lloyd.
Lloyd
Hi, Harry.
Harry
How was your day?
Lloyd
Not bad. Fell off the jetway again.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Among Friends Over Past Mistakes
Nicholas
Which one of you losers wants to get it first?
Lloyd
Over here. I was the one who got us into this whole mess. C'mon, shoot me.
Harry
No! Wait. Do me first. I stole your girl, Lloyd, I deserve it.
Lloyd
No, you don't.
Harry
Yes, I do.
Lloyd
No, you don't. No, you don't!
Harry
Yes, I do! Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life! Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.
Lloyd
Okay. Kill him!
[sarcastically]
Lloyd
Oh, no! You killed my best friend, you bastard!
[whimpers; to Nicholas]
Nicholas
If it's any consolation, you're about to be reunited.
[points his gun at Lloyd]
Lloyd
Harry! You're alive! And you're a horrible shot.
Nicholas
Lucky me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Effective Relief with a Half Teaspoon
Lloyd Christmas
One half teaspoon, for fast, effective relief.
[pretends to promote Turbo Lax]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Redemption in Dumber Moments
Harry Dunne
You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embrace Life and Seize Opportunities
Lloyd Christmas
Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!
[deleted scene]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration and Desperation in a Small Town
Lloyd
Ohh...! That's it. I've had it with this dump! We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
[upon hearing Petey's death]
Harry
Okay, just calm down!
Lloyd
What the hell are we doing here, Harry?! We gotta get outta this town!
Harry
Yeah, and go where, huh? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd
I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry
I don't know, Lloyd, the French are assholes. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! I know what you're up to, mister. Yeah! You just wanna go to Aspen and find that girl who lost her briefcase and you need me to drive you there, right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right, Lloyd?
[gets up from his chair]
Lloyd
Yeah, so? Yeah! So? So I wanna go someplace where we know somebody who can plug us into the social pipeline.
Harry
No! No, no, no, no, Lloyd! No! I say we stay here, we hunt for jobs and we keep saving money for the wormstore! I don't know about you, but I am getting sick and tired of running from creditors.
Lloyd
You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry? I'm sick and tired of having to eke my way through life. I'm sick and tired of being a nobody. But most of all... I'm sick and tired of having nobody.
Harry
Okay, Lloyd. Aspen it is.
Lloyd
You better not be fooling.
[walks over to Harry and hugs him while crying]
Harry
Okay, okay. Just let it out. Have a good cry, come on. Okay, that's enough.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Meeting in Aspen for Hot Chocolate
Harry Dunne
Yeah, I'm heading to Aspen myself. Maybe we could meet up and have some hot chocolate.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lloyd's Message to Harry the Matchmaker
Lloyd Christmas
To my friend, Harry... the matchmaker.
[after dumping Turbo Lax in Harry's tea]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Over Missing Money
Joe
I'm sorry, Mr. Andre. You were saying?
[after punching the guy behind him while he is on the phone with Nicholas]
Nicholas
Look, Mental. Those jokers have got a lot of money that belongs to me! I wanna know who they are and what they're doing with it!
Joe
Hey, hey, hey. I told you already, I'm on it. Alright?
Nicholas
Good.
[Hangs up and drinks his cup]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussing Budget and Expenditures on their Trip
Harry
Hey, where'd you get those?
Lloyd
I bought them when we filled up.
Harry
We're supposed to talk about our expenditures, Lloyd. We're on a very tight budget.
Lloyd
This didn't come out of our travel fund. I was able to raise twenty-five extra bucks before we left.
Harry
Where did you get twenty-five extra bucks?
Lloyd
I sold some stuff to Billy in 4C.
Harry
The blind kid?!
Lloyd
Yeah! ... Yeah.
Harry
What did you sell him, Lloyd?
Lloyd
Stuff.
Harry
What kind of stuff?
Lloyd
I dunno. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles. (fake coughs) Petey.
Harry
Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?! Lloyd!! What are you -?! Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd
Harry. I took care of it
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.