26 quotes
The Fragility of Relationships and Commitment
Valerie Gail
A relationship is a lot like a porcelain nail, Ted. You can break it, and you can glue it back together, but it's not going to be as strong as it was unless the person is really committed to not bringing home nurses!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Confused Conversation About Intimacy
Valerie
Wait a minute. Are you like coming on to me? Is this a pass? Because, I mean, if it is, sex is like totally out of the question.
Mac
What is sex?
Valerie
Sex? You know, making love. A man and a woman like each other and they take their clothes off and...
Mac
Okay.
Valerie
Well, no! No, no, no! We can't, no, because, I mean, me and Ted are, uh, are, uh, well, I guess we're not, but, I mean, uh, we can't because, I mean, you're an alien and I'm from the valley and we may not even be, you know, anatomically correct for each other. That could be - a real problem. No problem. But, I mean, uh, no, no, no. I mean, it just wouldn't work! You're from out of town. The phone bills would just be hell.
[looks at naked Mac's groin]
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Questioning the Meaning of Casual Relationships
Valerie Gail
If meaningless sex is what you want, why can't you have it with me?!
[to Ted]
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Confessions of a Tight-Lipped Friend
Valerie Gail
Really, I could keep my mouth shut. I mean, I'm the kind of person that you could tell anything to and I'd never tell. Ask my cousin, Debbie. You know, she got like her boobs done and I never told anyone. Oh! Except I just told you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Perks of Being Blonde
Candy Pink
Because I'm blonde, I don't have to think, I talk like a baby, And I never pay for drinks, Don't have to worry, About getting a man, If I keep this blonde, And I keep these tanned, Cause I'm a blonde, Yeah, yeah, yeah, Cause I'm a blonde, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see people working, It just makes me giggle, Cause I don't have to work, I just have to jiggle, Cause I'm blonde...
[singing]
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A Manicurist's Perspective on Knowledge
Valerie Gail
I'm just a manicurist. I don't know about anything about anything, except nails. You know, nails?
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Misunderstandings About Geography in Conversation
Wiploc
Finland is here?
Valerie
Finland? No, this is the Valley. Finland is the capital of Norway. Gawd, you guys sure learn fast.
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Unexpected Discovery in the Pool
Valerie Gail
There's a giant blow dryer in my pool.
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Choosing Between Fun and Safety
Candy
Okay you guys, what's the plan for tonight?
Valerie
Whoa, Candy, reality check. We can't go out with these guys, they're aliens!
Candy
So? They can still be dates! Do you guys have margaritas on your planet?
Valerie
Candy, it's just not safe. I'll give you a lift home and that's it.
Candy
Don't get your panties in a bunch! We're with three major cute guys and it's Saturday night! Come on!
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Unexpected Visitors and Haircuts Amid Chaos
Valerie
A UFO landed in my pool and they captured me but we made friends and I fed them Pop-Tarts and, um, they're here now, but Ted's coming home tonight so you've got to cut their hair.
[Frantically to Candy]
Owner of Beauty Shop
What did you say?
Valerie
Oh, nothing. I'm on drugs. Candy, you've got to help them out.
[Turns back to Candy]
Candy
Would you listen to yourself? Valerie, no man is worth getting yourself in this state over. ], maybe, but not Ted! Valerie, come here, just sit down, honey, relax, have a mental margarita, and everything is...
[[Mel Gibson]
Valerie
Okay, I'm going to show you something that's going to totally change your life, completely, forever. Okay?
Candy
Well, in that case, let me get a cigarette.
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A Freshman's Aspirations and Recognition
Candy Pink
I just want to say that being chosen as this month's Miss August is like a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can. Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA, but my goal is to become a veterinarian, cause I love children.
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Unexpected Confrontation About Relationship Boundaries
Valerie
You brought a girl home to have sex?
Ted
Well, you weren't supposed to be here, Val.
Valerie
You were going to have sex without me?
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Alien Abduction Adds to Valerie's Troubles
Valerie Gail
As if things weren't bad enough, now I've been abducted by aliens.
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Universal Split Ends in Space
Candy Pink
Well I see split ends are universal. Lost in space with no conditioner, huh?
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Prepare for Fun in Earth Girls Are Easy
Taglines
Get ready for Earth Girls Are Easy because this is going to be fun!
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Hospital Plans and Manipulative Strategies
Mac
Joe, take us to hospital, please.
Joe
Hey, clown, you're going to the slammer!
Mac
We go to slammer first.
[looks at Mike, then at Valerie]
Valerie
Listen, give them that love touch, then they'll come on to me. They'll be putty in my hands.
[to Mac]
Mac
You want sex with Joe and Mike?
Valerie
No, no, just so we can get away. Do it, do it! You'll see.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Farewell Between Characters
Valerie
Aw, Wiploc, I think I'll miss you least of all.
Wiploc
You want a liplock from Wiploc?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Comedy Adventure Beyond the Stars
Taglines
An out-of-this-world, down-to-earth comedy adventure.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alien Endorsement of Earth Girls
Taglines
A recent poll showed that 3 out of 4 aliens agree... Earth Girls Are Easy.
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Demanding Justice for Home Invasion
Dr. Ted Gallagher
These degenerates broke into my home and destroyed my property. I want them arrested right now. They're MTV scum!
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Don't Freak Out, Just Promise Me
Valerie
Candy, whatever you do, don't freak out.
Candy
Valerie!
Valerie
I mean it, don't freak out. Promise me you will not freak out.
Candy
Stop it! You are freaking me out!
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UFO in the Pool Causes Panic
Valerie
Ted is coming home tonight and there's a UFO in my pool. A UFO!
Candy
BFD. Ted's not going to be there for a few hours. Just chill out, Val.
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Valley's Appeal in Earth Girls Are Easy
Candy Pink
You guys are so lucky you crashed in the valley. It's the baddest place on earth!
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Finding Mr. Right in Unlikely Places
Taglines
Valerie's about to discover how far a girl has to go to find Mr. Right.
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Defining "Easy" in Earth Girls Are Easy
Valerie
I didn't want you to think Earth girls were easy.
Mac
What is "easy"?
Valerie
This is "easy".
[kissing him]
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Jail Experience Leads to Unexpected Skills
Woody
Hey! Jail isn't so bad. It's where I learned how to surf.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.