Ernest Goes to Jail (1990) - Quotes

Rubin Bartlett: Not so fast!

Warden Carmichael: Nash, take it like a man.

Ernest P. Worrell: But I'm not Nash, I'm Ernest. And what is an Ernest you may ask? A man with a past both rich in history and tradition. Should we punish this man for crimes he did not commit? No, no, no, no, no.

Warden Carmichael: Can't you speed things up?

Prison guard: Okay, okay!

Ernest P. Worrell: [Ernest sits on the electric chair and gets electrocuted] Such a man should be set free.

Warden Carmichael: Hit the alarm! Run for it!

Ernest P. Worrell: So, it's come to this. A pointless, miserable end to a shallow, meaningless life. But it's as it should be. It's the hand I've been dealt, and I have to play it as it lays. Oh, I'm not going to cry because life's thrown me a curve. I'm not going to whine because I got mashed potatoes when French fries is what I really wanted. It's time for me to step up to the plate, belly up to the bar! It's time for me to look fate square in the eye, flare my nostrils, breathe life's last breath! It's time for me to lie down with lions so I can soar with the eagles! All right! I'm ready! Come and get me! Let's do it!

Prison guard: Come on Nash, it's time!

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, oh. I don't wanna die!

Rubin Bartlett: [Thinking Ernest is Nash] Did you miss me, Mr. Nash?

Cell Guard: Close C-12!

Ernest P. Worrell: You! You know I'm not Nash!

Rubin Bartlett: Of course you are... Ernest.

Ernest P. Worrell: We're sequestered. And on top of that we can't even leave! Oh, this is great. This is just great.

Ernest P. Worrell: I hope you've got a good story to tell my boss! After all, I do have a living to earn.

Prison guard: [crossly] Now look, Nash...

Ernest P. Worrell: My name is Worrell. Ernest P. Worrell.

Prison guard: Oh, Mr. Funny-Man, huh? Yeah, Mr. Funny-Man. You'll think funny when you're tapping to the tune of 2-20, son!

Ernest P. Worrell: [Remarking to his cell-mates; Lyle throws Ernest against the bars of the cell; bangs his head against the bars and recognizes Lyle; yells to the guard; to Lyle] That is the rudest bailiff I have ever seen in my life. Wait a minute. You're that guy! Bailiff! Bailiff! You're in big trouble now, pal. Bailiff!

Prison guard: [approaches Ernest's cell] What is it, Nash?

Ernest P. Worrell: You see that guy?

Prison guard: Yeah, so?

Ernest P. Worrell: [bangs the guard's head against the bars] No, I mean look... look at him. Come closer. Look. You see that guy? He's not on the jury. This man is a prisoner!

Prison guard: Ugh! I oughta throw you in the hole for that, Nash!

Ernest P. Worrell: The hole?

Prison guard: [walks off] Yeah, the hole!

Ernest P. Worrell: [shocked; horrified; echos] The hole like... like in solitary, the hole? Like, in real prison? Like in real, really, really, really, really real prison? The hoose-gow, the slammer, the joint, Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing... Oh no! I'm in... I'm in... JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!!

Prison guard: (laughs sternly)

Ernest P. Worrell: [After drying himself off with his body dryer and checking the circuit board] Oh, there's my problem right there. This wire's got a little sh...

Ernest P. Worrell: ...short in it.

Ernest P. Worrell: Gosh, not again.

Auntie Nelda: The way they run this institution is an outrage, for a poor, tired, old lonely woman like me. Her only son, a felon, though not a terribly successful one. Young man? Young man?

Auntie Nelda: Young man, would you please open that gate? I left my car running outside.

Gate Guard: Ma'am, you tell me how you got through this gate? The visitors exit on the other side of the prison.

Auntie Nelda: I brought him up as best I could, but sometimes a bad seed falls from even the most fragile flower.

Gate Guard: Ma'am, you're not going through this gate.

Auntie Nelda: Is this the way you treat your mother? Is this the kind of abuse that poor woman must endure?

Gate Guard: Well, I guess that my mother is a little bit mad at...

Auntie Nelda: Mmm-hmm! You ought to be in the slammer with the rest of these misfits. If you had any remorse at all for the horror you push your own mother through, you'd open that gate. I have a car overheating as we speak.

Gate Guard: Okay, okay.

Gate Guard: All right! Let's open the east gate.

Gate Guard: There! Now you satisfied?

Auntie Nelda: I'll tell your mother how her son has improved despite his shaded and somewhat checkered past.

Auntie Nelda: [Lying about the prison balls] The doctor told me I'd only have to wear these until after the surgery.

Ernest P. Worrell: (gasps) I've been vandalized...By Elvis!

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): [crossly] I can't believe it! I can't believe it! First, Ernest, and now this! I'm acting like a victim, I need to tell Ernest, exactly how I feel, and I need to do that right now while I'm still mad!

Felix Nash: Look, would the real Ernest have been able to knock out Chuck? Or set a time bomb without it going off in his face? And look at the floors. You notice how clean they've been lately?

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): You are an imposter! What did you do with the real Ernest, where is he?

Felix Nash: He's dead by now.

Warden Carmichael: Nash, lawyer's got somethin to tell you.

Rubin's attorney: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Mr. Nash. Our last appeal was turned down. It was our final hope. I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.

Warden Carmichael: Come on, Nash. Let's go.

Ernest P. Worrell: Go? Go where?

Warden Carmichael: You're goin to the row.

Ernest P. Worrell: The row? What row?

Rubin Bartlett: As in "death", you know, "death row.

Ernest P. Worrell: [realizes what they're talking about; Rubin exchanges looks with his lawyer] Oh, well, I... Death row? You mean like the chair?! The hot seat? Dead meat, deep 6, it's over pal, you're outta here bub, the groundhog's are bringing you your mail, you're picking turnips with a step ladder? Like, the no-tomorrow row? That kind of row? Oh no! The row?! You gotta tell him who I am, fellas! I'm Ernest P. Worrell! I'm not Nash, I'm Ernest!

Warden Carmichael: [turns to the guards] Zip it up, Nash. Get him outta here.

Ernest P. Worrell: [the guards begin dragging Ernest from his cell to death row] Warden, you're gonna feel terrible when you find out what a big mistake you made. And, you, pal, you're not getting any more of my business. I'm not Nash, I tell you, I'm Ernest! I'm Ernest P. Worrell!

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): [Thinking Ernest is Nash] Do you think you let me get near me after what you did to Ernest? He was the kindest man who was ever loved in my whole life.

Ernest P. Worrell: Gee, Charlotte, I'm touched!

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): [thinking Nash is Ernest] What happened to your voice? You sound different.

Felix Nash: Oh, I got a little laryngitis.

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think our table has any steak sauce!

Guard: [crossly] Get up!

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners, I should have waited for the others!

Guard: (blows whistle) Eat, Greaseball!

Ernest P. Worrell: I didn't order a "grease ball.

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): Ernest, Ernest are you all right?

Ernest P. Worrell: [After removing a metal lid that clung to his face, even though the lobster is still stuck to his face] I recommend the lobster. (laughs)

Ernest P. Worrell: Mr. Poodle-Smurf is lucky to have me. One day, I'm gonna walk into his office and I'll say: Oscar Babe'.

Oscar Pendlesmythe: WHAT?!

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh good morning Mr. Poodle-Smurf, Puddle-Smit, Smiddle-Poot...

Oscar Pendlesmythe: Pendlesmythe," you idiot!

Warden Carmichael: Now, Nash, you'll never get away with this!

Warden Carmichael: Nash, I said the let the hostages go!

Chuck: This guy is in love! L-U-V! Ernest is in love. Ernest and Charlotte sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Ernest pushing a baby carriage!

Chuck: We're sorry, Ernest, Bobby didn't know the mace can was loaded.

Chuck: Ernest, we're late for work!

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): Pull on it! Pull on it, Chuck!

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): (Thinking Nash is Ernest) You are slime Ernest P. Worrell!

Felix Nash: This is pathetic.

Felix Nash: Don't worry about that diet, tubby. Once I set this fuse, you'll lose all that weight.

Felix Nash: Here, I'll help you up!

Felix Nash: Is everyone who works here a moron?

Felix Nash: This guy is better off in jail.

Ernest P. Worrell: Look, I'm not this guy Nash!

Ernest P. Worrell: Real men are not intimidated by physical threats against their personal selves, and, ironically, neither am I.

Ernest P. Worrell: [Finds Rimshot in the trashcan] What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?

Ernest P. Worrell: [To Nash's lawyer as he's being taken to the chair] You pal, you're not getting anymore of my business!

Ernest P. Worrell: I've never been inside a restaurant that doesn't have a drive-thru window before.