31 quotes
Warden's Command to Release Hostages
Warden Carmichael
Nash, I said the let the hostages go!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ernest's Unique Restaurant Experience
Ernest P. Worrell
I've never been inside a restaurant that doesn't have a drive-thru window before.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ernest Discovers a Wiring Issue
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh, there's my problem right there. This wire's got a little sh...
[After drying himself off with his body dryer and checking the circuit board]
Ernest P. Worrell
...short in it.
Ernest P. Worrell
Gosh, not again.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Courage Beyond Physical Threats
Ernest P. Worrell
Real men are not intimidated by physical threats against their personal selves, and, ironically, neither am I.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Character's Perspective on Jail Time
Felix Nash
This guy is better off in jail.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Voice Change Due to Laryngitis
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
What happened to your voice? You sound different.
[thinking Nash is Ernest]
Felix Nash
Oh, I got a little laryngitis.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ernest's Dining Etiquette in Jail
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think our table has any steak sauce!
Guard
Get up!
[crossly]
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners, I should have waited for the others!
Guard
(blows whistle) Eat, Greaseball!
Ernest P. Worrell
I didn't order a "grease ball.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity Confusion in Ernest Goes to Jail
Ernest P. Worrell
Look, I'm not this guy Nash!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Warden's Warning to Nash
Warden Carmichael
Now, Nash, you'll never get away with this!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Recommendation in a Serious Moment
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
Ernest, Ernest are you all right?
Ernest P. Worrell
I recommend the lobster. (laughs)
[After removing a metal lid that clung to his face, even though the lobster is still stuck to his face]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Warning Against Hasty Actions
Rubin Bartlett
Not so fast!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Fate with Determination and Humor
Ernest P. Worrell
So, it's come to this. A pointless, miserable end to a shallow, meaningless life. But it's as it should be. It's the hand I've been dealt, and I have to play it as it lays. Oh, I'm not going to cry because life's thrown me a curve. I'm not going to whine because I got mashed potatoes when French fries is what I really wanted. It's time for me to step up to the plate, belly up to the bar! It's time for me to look fate square in the eye, flare my nostrils, breathe life's last breath! It's time for me to lie down with lions so I can soar with the eagles! All right! I'm ready! Come and get me! Let's do it!
Prison guard
Come on Nash, it's time!
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh, oh. I don't wanna die!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Setting Boundaries in Business Relationships
Ernest P. Worrell
You pal, you're not getting anymore of my business!
[To Nash's lawyer as he's being taken to the chair]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Justice in Unlikely Circumstances
Warden Carmichael
Nash, take it like a man.
Ernest P. Worrell
But I'm not Nash, I'm Ernest. And what is an Ernest you may ask? A man with a past both rich in history and tradition. Should we punish this man for crimes he did not commit? No, no, no, no, no.
Warden Carmichael
Can't you speed things up?
Prison guard
Okay, okay!
Ernest P. Worrell
Such a man should be set free.
[Ernest sits on the electric chair and gets electrocuted]
Warden Carmichael
Hit the alarm! Run for it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings in a Morning Greeting
Ernest P. Worrell
Mr. Poodle-Smurf is lucky to have me. One day, I'm gonna walk into his office and I'll say: Oscar Babe'.
Oscar Pendlesmythe
WHAT?!
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh good morning Mr. Poodle-Smurf, Puddle-Smit, Smiddle-Poot...
Oscar Pendlesmythe
Pendlesmythe," you idiot!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unintentional Consequences of Mace Can Incident
Chuck
We're sorry, Ernest, Bobby didn't know the mace can was loaded.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Imposter Claims and Suspicion Unraveled
Felix Nash
Look, would the real Ernest have been able to knock out Chuck? Or set a time bomb without it going off in his face? And look at the floors. You notice how clean they've been lately?
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
You are an imposter! What did you do with the real Ernest, where is he?
Felix Nash
He's dead by now.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Weight Loss Through Explosive Measures
Felix Nash
Don't worry about that diet, tubby. Once I set this fuse, you'll lose all that weight.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Urgency in the Workplace
Chuck
Ernest, we're late for work!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity Confusion in a Jail Setting
Rubin Bartlett
Did you miss me, Mr. Nash?
[Thinking Ernest is Nash]
Cell Guard
Close C-12!
Ernest P. Worrell
You! You know I'm not Nash!
Rubin Bartlett
Of course you are... Ernest.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ernest's Frustration in Unwanted Confinement
Ernest P. Worrell
We're sequestered. And on top of that we can't even leave! Oh, this is great. This is just great.
Ernest P. Worrell
I hope you've got a good story to tell my boss! After all, I do have a living to earn.
Prison guard
Now look, Nash...
[crossly]
Ernest P. Worrell
My name is Worrell. Ernest P. Worrell.
Prison guard
Oh, Mr. Funny-Man, huh? Yeah, Mr. Funny-Man. You'll think funny when you're tapping to the tune of 2-20, son!
Ernest P. Worrell
That is the rudest bailiff I have ever seen in my life. Wait a minute. You're that guy! Bailiff! Bailiff! You're in big trouble now, pal. Bailiff!
[Remarking to his cell-mates; Lyle throws Ernest against the bars of the cell; bangs his head against the bars and recognizes Lyle; yells to the guard; to Lyle]
Prison guard
What is it, Nash?
[approaches Ernest's cell]
Ernest P. Worrell
You see that guy?
Prison guard
Yeah, so?
Ernest P. Worrell
No, I mean look... look at him. Come closer. Look. You see that guy? He's not on the jury. This man is a prisoner!
[bangs the guard's head against the bars]
Prison guard
Ugh! I oughta throw you in the hole for that, Nash!
Ernest P. Worrell
The hole?
Prison guard
Yeah, the hole!
[walks off]
Ernest P. Worrell
The hole like... like in solitary, the hole? Like, in real prison? Like in real, really, really, really, really real prison? The hoose-gow, the slammer, the joint, Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing... Oh no! I'm in... I'm in... JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!!
[shocked; horrified; echos]
Prison guard
(laughs sternly)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miss Sparrow's Insult to Ernest P. Worrell
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
(Thinking Nash is Ernest) You are slime Ernest P. Worrell!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Kindness and Trust
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
Do you think you let me get near me after what you did to Ernest? He was the kindest man who was ever loved in my whole life.
[Thinking Ernest is Nash]
Ernest P. Worrell
Gee, Charlotte, I'm touched!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miss Sparrow Encourages Action from Chuck
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
Pull on it! Pull on it, Chuck!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Value of a Good Dog
Ernest P. Worrell
What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?
[Finds Rimshot in the trashcan]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Final Appeal Denied for Rubin Bartlett
Warden Carmichael
Nash, lawyer's got somethin to tell you.
Rubin's attorney
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Mr. Nash. Our last appeal was turned down. It was our final hope. I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.
Warden Carmichael
Come on, Nash. Let's go.
Ernest P. Worrell
Go? Go where?
Warden Carmichael
You're goin to the row.
Ernest P. Worrell
The row? What row?
Rubin Bartlett
As in "death", you know, "death row.
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh, well, I... Death row? You mean like the chair?! The hot seat? Dead meat, deep 6, it's over pal, you're outta here bub, the groundhog's are bringing you your mail, you're picking turnips with a step ladder? Like, the no-tomorrow row? That kind of row? Oh no! The row?! You gotta tell him who I am, fellas! I'm Ernest P. Worrell! I'm not Nash, I'm Ernest!
[realizes what they're talking about; Rubin exchanges looks with his lawyer]
Warden Carmichael
Zip it up, Nash. Get him outta here.
[turns to the guards]
Ernest P. Worrell
Warden, you're gonna feel terrible when you find out what a big mistake you made. And, you, pal, you're not getting any more of my business. I'm not Nash, I tell you, I'm Ernest! I'm Ernest P. Worrell!
[the guards begin dragging Ernest from his cell to death row]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Chuck's Playful Take on Ernest's Love Life
Chuck
This guy is in love! L-U-V! Ernest is in love. Ernest and Charlotte sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Ernest pushing a baby carriage!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Auntie Nelda's Perspective on Family Struggles
Auntie Nelda
The way they run this institution is an outrage, for a poor, tired, old lonely woman like me. Her only son, a felon, though not a terribly successful one. Young man? Young man?
Auntie Nelda
Young man, would you please open that gate? I left my car running outside.
Gate Guard
Ma'am, you tell me how you got through this gate? The visitors exit on the other side of the prison.
Auntie Nelda
I brought him up as best I could, but sometimes a bad seed falls from even the most fragile flower.
Gate Guard
Ma'am, you're not going through this gate.
Auntie Nelda
Is this the way you treat your mother? Is this the kind of abuse that poor woman must endure?
Gate Guard
Well, I guess that my mother is a little bit mad at...
Auntie Nelda
Mmm-hmm! You ought to be in the slammer with the rest of these misfits. If you had any remorse at all for the horror you push your own mother through, you'd open that gate. I have a car overheating as we speak.
Gate Guard
Okay, okay.
Gate Guard
All right! Let's open the east gate.
Gate Guard
There! Now you satisfied?
Auntie Nelda
I'll tell your mother how her son has improved despite his shaded and somewhat checkered past.
Auntie Nelda
The doctor told me I'd only have to wear these until after the surgery.
[Lying about the prison balls]
Ernest P. Worrell
(gasps) I've been vandalized...By Elvis!
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
I can't believe it! I can't believe it! First, Ernest, and now this! I'm acting like a victim, I need to tell Ernest, exactly how I feel, and I need to do that right now while I'm still mad!
[crossly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expression of Disappointment and Frustration
Felix Nash
This is pathetic.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Intelligence of Colleagues
Felix Nash
Is everyone who works here a moron?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Offering Assistance in a Difficult Situation
Felix Nash
Here, I'll help you up!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.