Evan Almighty (2007) - Quotes

Taglines: Flooding into cinemas soon.

Taglines: A comedy of Biblical proportions.

Evan: Joan, I know you probably saw what happend but I can explain.(Evan sees his family standing in the hallway with packed bags).

Joan: Take this stuff to the car, guys. I'll be there in a minute.

Evan: Guys?(His sons says nothing as they walk past him. Dylan sadly regards his father)(Evan looks at his wife)

Joan: I'm gonna take them to my mothers. Evan, I think you need help.

Evan: (Pleading) Joan, please. I'm not doing this it's not me, it's Him! I went to that meeting in a suit and He took it off of me. (Gesturing forwards the window) Those animals are following me because of Him.

Joan: God? Does God know that He is destroying our lives? Does God know that He is going to get you fired?

Evan: Yeah! He is trying to get me fired. (Realising) He is trying to get me fired. That way I'll have even more time to work on the ark!

Joan: Because the rain and the floods are coming. No, I heard you Evan. The whole world heard you! (She starts walking towards the door)

Evan: Joan, please. You gotta believe me. (At that moment rain stats splattering on the window)

Evan: There it is! It's happening! It's happening! It's raining! (He runs outside only to realise that it was only the sprinklers. Joan looks shocked at him)

Joan: Goodbye, Evan

Evan: Do we have anything unleavened?

Joan: Yeah, we do. It's in the back, next to the frankincense and myrrh. We have a fancy name for it in this century. It's called pita.

Evan: Got it.

Joan: Evan, what is happening to you?(Evan is about to take a bite from the bread but Joan takes it from him)

Joan: Don't! No! Just put it down! Look at you! The hair? Are you on something? Is it a mega-growth hormon? What?(Evan remains silent)

Joan: Evan, talk to me(Evan takes a deep breath)

Evan: I'm building an ark.

Joan: What does that mean?

Evan: God appeared to me and told me to build an ark.He said it was going to be a flood and that I should be prepared.Whenever I shave, my beard grows right back out. My hair grows longer every day. This robe...(Joan now close to tears, looks worryingly at Evan in his robe)

Evan: God sent me the robe. He thought it would be funny.I actually think it's really comfortable, that's why I'm wearing it.

Joan: (slowly, trying to hide her worry) The beard, the robe. You're Noah?

Evan: (slightly nodding) Yeah, kind of.(Dylan walks into the room)

Dylan: Mom?

Joan: Not now, Noah! Dylan.

Dylan: Okay...(He leaves the room)(Joan looks back at Evan and takes a deep breath)

Joan: We left everything behind to come here. Maybe that's put to much pressure on you. I don't know. (Getting emotional) But this has got to stop! Please! You're scaring me. The boys need their father back and I need my husband back!

Evan: (walks in with his beard braided and his hair tied into a ponytail) Marty. Sorry I am late. Come on let's go!

Marty: (disgustedly drops his phone) What...is that!?

Evan: I am making lemonade out of lemons. Pick up your phone and let's go! (They walk into a meeting live on television. Rita looks in genuine disgust)

Evan: You knew it all along, didn't you? You knew the dam was unstable. If it hadn't been for the ark, my family, the neighbors... I fought you every step of the way.

God: Yes, but you did it.

Evan: So you had nothing to do with the flood? Like where the ark landed exactly?

God: I gave you a little shove at the end. Sue me.

God: You did good, son. You changed the world.

Evan: No. No I didn't.

God: Well lets see. Spending time with your family making them very happy. You gave that dog a home.

Joan: How are we going to do this? There is no way the five of us can finish on time. We don't have any money to hire anyone else?

Joan: Is that a llama with a hammer?

Jordan: An alpaca. They rarely spit at people, unless frightened or abused.

Evan: [Slinging a chord on rope over his shoulder] Let's finish this sucker.

Rita: You said God told you to do it. (build the Ark)

Evan: Yes.

Rita: But did God tell you to let your friends come down here and make them look stupid? Cuz I go to church every Sunday... Ok, every other Sunday... Alright, I've been to church and that does not sound like God to me!

God: [posing as a waiter named Al Mighty] I love that story, Noah and the Ark. You know, a lot of people miss the point of that story. They think it’s about God’s wrath and anger. They love it when God gets angry.

Joan: What is the story about, then? The ark?

God: Well, I think it’s a love story about believing in each other. You know, the animals showed up in pairs. They stood by each other, side by side, just like Noah and his family. Everybody entered the ark side by side.

Joan: But my husband says God told him to do it. What do you do with that?

God: Sounds like an opportunity. Let me ask you something. If one prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If one prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other? Well, I got to run. A lot of people to serve. Enjoy. (Waves his arm and as he leaves Joan looks in shock to see her plate refilled without God having to leave and fill it)

God: I remember creating this valley. Notice how the mountains lie from east to west.

Evan: Where are we?

God: Don't recognize, eh? This is where you live, son. This is Prestige Crest. I just wanted you to see the original design.

Evan: So, you're... really... HIM?

God: Want more proof? I haven't done the pillar of salt thing in a while.

Evan: No. No. I believe you. But why me?

God: You said you want to change the world. So do I.

Marty: [Sees Evan; Rita gestures to Evan; Marty gasps] Rita when Evan shows... Sorry sir I will be with you in just one moment... Gah! Evan?!

Evan: In case you ask I am going through adult puberty. This is temporary...why did you summon me? What is so important?

Marty: What is so important?! I have a letter of intent here about Congressman Long's bill! You remember that? And now he wants you to sign this in person Evan!

Evan: I can't do it.

Marty: No you can't do it looking like that. You have to go shave!

Evan: I cannot shave Marty. If I shave it just grows back.

Marty: That's what happens when you shave...and then you shave AGAIN!!

Evan: [Frustrated] You have no idea...

God: I'm God.

Evan: You're God!?

God: Yes and I want you, Evan Baxter, to build an ark.

Evan: Okay, you know what, this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call, over. But, I gotta get to get going because frankly, I have an ark to build. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Nice meeting ya, take care.(walks away) Oh, and... (turns around to realize that God has vanished)

Evan Baxter: [Looks into rear view mirror, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere; He screams] Shake it off, Evan. It's over. The nutcase is gone. I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Successful, powerful, handsome- Happy!

Neighbor 1: This was it Baxter?

Neighbor 2: Is your god experiencing a slight water shortage?

Reporter: It would seem that Congressman Baxter was correct about the rain, with a slight miscalculation as to the quantity.

Evan: (sees a truck in his yard delivering another unordered shipment) Hey! Hey! Hey! (Pounds on window then runs outside) Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on?!

Mailman: I have a delivery for an Evan Baxter?

Evan: Uh, that's not mine. I didn't order that!

Mailman: I just deliver guy, okay? If you want to complain call our number. (gets into truck and the truck drives off without the shipment)

Evan: Hey wait! Listen! We're 4:16 not 6:14! You got the wrong house! YOU CAN'T LEAVE THAT THERE! (The mailman waves goodbye from the truck as it exits the driveway) LISTEN! LISTEN! THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A BROWN PATCH! I AM A U.S. CONGRESSMAN!!! (Glares after the truck)

God: How do you change the world?

Evan: One single act of random kindness at a time.

God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on the ground with a stick] One Act, of Random, Kindness.

Rita Daniels: [[w:Bee Gees|Bee Gee] Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a ]?

Reporter: Its September 22 and no flood. Awkward!

Eve Adams: What do you mean there's water damage? It rained for ten minutes! That's impossi... (sees the Ark riding the flood by while one of her signs drops on her car)

Rita Daniels: (after seeing the flood) Ladies first!

God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

God: [[w:Pledge of Allegiance|Pledge of Allegiance; [w:United States of America|United States of America] (appears at Congress and recites the the ]) I pledge allegiance to the flag under the ] and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under me indivisible and liberty and justice for all.

God: [Holds up a book titled "Ark Building for Dummies"] Tell you what. You build it and I'll fill it. Oh and you might need this.

God: I now issue a new commandment: "Thou shalt do the dance.

God: (to Evan) Build the ark. And if anybody asks, just say, a flood is coming.

Evan Baxter: And he wanted me to wear this robe because he thought it would be funny.

Evan Baxter: [With his arms and staff outstretched to the looming Memorial Bridge, as the Ark is fast approaching it.; Nothing happens; Suddenly the whole right side of the Ark falls dark, as a massive wave four times the size and height of the Ark rises up and crashes down redirecting its path instantly down Capital Mall.] I command thee halt! Stop! Woah! How about a little help here?!

Evan Baxter: (Joan and the kids have just left him) I know, I know. Everything you do, you do because you love me. (A sprinkler blasts him in the face) Do me a favor; love me less!

Evan Baxter: SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!!!

Evan Baxter: (two wolves growl at Long) Don't look now Congressman but the wolves are here. Although I wouldn't worry so much about these wolves but those. (Evan gestures to the angry members of Congress standing behind Long)

Evan Baxter: People, the flood is imminent! (nothing happens) IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A LITTLE PRECIPITATION!?

Evan Baxter: [Is using ancient tools to build the ark; [w:Home Depot|Home Depot] Ever heard of ]!?

Evan Baxter: (to Long after the Ark crashes into Congress] Hello Congressman. Mind if I park my boat here?

Evan Baxter: [after the Ark crashes into Congress) We can walk from here.

Evan Baxter: [signing off for the last time; [w:Iron Eyes Cody|that old Indian in front of all the garbage] I feel like ]. So, for the last time, this is Evan Baxter for Eyewitness News. Goodnight.