Felidae - Quotes

Voice cast: Ulrich Wildgruber as Joker.

Voice cast: Gerhard Garbers as Professor Julius Preterius.

Voice cast: Wolfgang Hess as Kong.

Voice cast: [[w:Helge Schneider|Helge Schneider] ] as Jesaja.

Voice cast: [[w:Klaus Maria Brandauer|Klaus Maria Brandauer] ] as Pascal/Claudandus.

Voice cast: [[w:Mario Adorf|Mario Adorf] ] as Bluebeard.

Voice cast: [[w:Ulrich Tukur|Ulrich Tukur] ] as Francis.

Pascal: Oh dear, Francis. You live through your ordinary little day and fall asleep to dream about your ordinary, carefree little dreams through the course of the peaceful, undisturbed night. But then, I brought nightmares to your mind. Do you deny it? The world is hell, Francis. And the crowning glory of hatefulness in this world is man. And the joke, my friend, is that we're now no different to him.

Francis: You've become like him, Pascal! You think like man, you act like man! And so, tell me, what's the role assigned to lesser animals in your world?!

Pascal: None at all. They're stupid. They're victims to their fate.

Francis: And what about the good men?! Pascal or Claudandus or Felidae or whatever you want to call yourself?!

Pascal: NO, NO! THERE AREN'T ANY GOOD MEN! THEY'RE ALL BAD! THEY'RE ALL THE SAME! Animals are good creatures. But men are evil animals.

Francis: I'll fight you with all my might, all my strength! I'll start by erasing this unholy program listing your murders! You had it.

Pascal: You can't begin to imagine how deeply I regret this, Francis.

Pascal: [last words before his death] The horror... so much pain... darkness... Francis... so much darkness... look at me now, and all you see, Francis, is evil. Yet once I was good...

Pascal: My friends. I want to thank you for responding so quickly to our invitation.

Kong: You'd better be sure this is worth our while, because if it's not, then you and cutie pie there are going to pay for making me miss my favorite TV show!

Francis: Kong, you stupid pea-brain idiot!

Kong: Huh?

Francis: Listen, don't you want to catch the crazy killer who murdered Solitaire, who you're pretending you loved?!

Kong: Don't worry. I'll catch up with him eventually! And when I do--!

Francis: You fool! You won't catch up with anyone! You really think the murderer will knock at your door someday and beg your forgiveness, you moronic imbecile?!

Kong: Alright, wise guy. I was only joking anyway.

Francis: Crack all the jokes you like! The trouble is the killer doesn't have your kind of humor in him!

Pascal: Francis and I have analyzed the computer's data. We could say with a degree of certainty, that the murderer is responsible, not for the death of 7, but 450 brothers and sisters. These murders-- These murders are most probably connected with the events which occurs in the laboratory of the criminal, Preterius, some time ago. Experiments, some of you here, were subjected to though you may not remember it now.

Bluebeard: Hey, smartass. You've gotta watch your tail a little more carefully, or you'll get hurt.

Francis: What do you mean?

Bluebeard: Think about it. The killer ain't gonna be pleased with you on his trail and might try to do something about you.

Francis: Yeah, and Pascal as well. He knows more than me.

Bluebeard: Don't worry about Pascal. If what you found out about the murders is right, he just kills the brothers who got balls. Good ol Pascal had them cut off years ago. And besides, he isn't gonna be around that much longer.

Francis: Why's that?

Bluebeard: He's got stomach cancer. They've given him six months. It's only recently the news got around the neighborhood.

Francis: [spotting a dead cat with her stomach and throat ripped out] Oh my God...

Kong: Looks like he's run out of steam suddenly. That's what happens to you when you eat too much junk food.

Francis: [indicating the dead cat] Yeah, I'm out of breath. And it looks like I'm not the only one.

Kong: [gasps; cries] What bullshit you talking now? Solitaire! Oh Solitaire! What have they done to you? What the hell has that evil bastard done?! My lovely, lovely Solitaire!

Francis: Who was she?

Herman 1: [pointing out the dead kitten fetuses] Solitaire was the boss favorite girl, and chances are those are his family you can see as well.

Kong: [to Francis] I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna hamburger him! I'll tear his balls off and stuff them down his throat! What kind of heartless bastard would do this?! Who?! Who?! Tell me! Was it you? No, you didn't have the time. Well then who did it? Who was it?!

Francis: [in Pascal's house] To tell the truth, I never thought I see one of us sitting at a computer and actually knowing how to use it.

Pascal: [types the word "FELIDAE" on the computer] I'm trying in my feeble way to use the computer to get on the track of the murderer you're out to find. Do you know the meaning of this word, Felidae?

Francis: Could it be a scientific name for all our family divisions, "cats" as they're usually called?

Pascal: [shows on the computer a list] Felidae. Evolution has created an astounding number of various creatures. Not one however deserves the respected wonder the genus Felidae has earned.

Francis: Wow! What did you combine on this list.

Pascal: Those of us who live in the neighborhood, name, age, gender, breed, marking. I almost forgot, I need to enter you now as well.

Francis: Incredible!

Pascal: Yes, it is. Even better if it can help us solve a murder.

Francis: Did you know that all of the dead brothers--?

Pascal: Yes! They were all on the prowl after some female in heat.

Francis: I... I have an idea. Find out what breed they were. That may lead us to a new tie-up.

Pascal: [shows on the computer the murdered cats' type of race] Simple enough.

Pascal: Well, none of them were particularly aristocratic examples of Felidae.

Francis: But all the same race, so they weren't just excited and male. They were all European Shorthairs.

Pascal: No, not true. I haven't yet added the sixth victim to the list.

Francis: [shocked; he watches carefully as Pascal types in the sixth victim on this list named "Felicity", he looks on in horror] There's been another? Felicity!!

Pascal: Yes. Felicity, I'm afraid.

Francis: Pascal, no! That can't be true! I just left her an hour ago!

Pascal: [he looks on, thinking that Francis might come back] Agatha informed me just before you and Bluebeard arrived.

Francis: [laying on the grass] Her eyes were wide opened as though even with her last breath, the one thing she longed desperately for was to see.

Bluebeard: [hanging on a tree] It's sad, but life goes on, Francis.

Francis: [looks up at Bluebeard; crossly] Did you find that cliche on the one and only book you posted that you read?

Bluebeard: I was just trying to help.

Francis: [yelling at the sky] I swear, that whoever murdered Felicity is gonna pay for it! YOU HEAR ME, YOU BASTARD?!!! I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PAY!!!

Bluebeard: WE'LL GET YA, YOU SHITHEAD!!!

Francis: Forget what Pascal says. Felicity was killed because she knew too much.

Felicity: You're new in the neighborhood, aren't you?

Francis: Yes, that's right. The name's Francis.

Felicity: Friend or foe?

Francis: Friend. A friend forever.

Felicity: A friend who fell suddenly out of the sky

Francis: Well, not exactly. Only through the skylight, not through the sky. I was escaping from lunatics from the Claudandus sect. They objected to me watching their ceremony.

Felicity: That sounds typical of them. Has it gotten light outside yet?

Francis: [noticing Felicity's eyes] Yes, but surely you can see that for your-- Oh, you're blind.

Felicity: I'm not blind.

Francis: Then what...?

Felicity: I just can't see.

Francis: Do you ever go out?

Felicity: No. Though not a day goes by, not one day that I haven't wished I could see this world, evil and cruel though it is.

Francis: [places his paw on Felicity's] I'm... I'm sorry.

Felicity: [they both laugh] Why? There are much worse things, Francis. We can get used to anything, except to live in a dog kennel possibly.

Francis: But, listen; have you always... I-- I mean...?

Felicity: Been blind?

Francis: Hmm.

Felicity: Yes, from birth. But, you know what? I see pictures. Pictures in my mind.

Francis: What kind of pictures?

Felicity: I see these people grouped around me, and they're so big, tall and somehow bright. One of them bends over me, he smiles and then he has something that glistens in his hand, then terrible pain, and I fall asleep.

Francis: I don't think you were blind from birth. I'd say some human has done something terrible to you.

Felicity: But that can't be. The human race is the kindest there is. Who else would give a useless thing like me a home?

Francis: Can I change the subject and ask you a question, um...?

Felicity: Felicity.

Francis: Have you heard anything you described as unusual in the last few weeks?

Felicity: Only the death cries.

Francis: This means you're the first witness I'd found in the killings!

Felicity: I don't see why you're so interested in this.

Francis: Felicity, we're talking about murder.

Felicity: Murder? Oh, I'm sure you're wrong. I think it's more likely that it's sex that's just gone too far.

Francis: And why do you think that?

Felicity: The death cries, always uttered by tomcats. I could tell by their growls they were excited. Somebody they knew is suddenly there, and although they're excited, they don't attack him.

Francis: And did this somebody speak to our excited expected brothers?

Felicity: Yes. I'm sorry I couldn't hear what he was saying to them, but his tone of voice, there was a sense of urgency in his tone, a pervasive conviction. He was trying to tell them something of great importance.

Francis: What, though? So, what then?

Felicity: And then, then I hear those awful cries.

Francis: Do you know anything about the Claudandus Sect?

Felicity: Not much. Only they prayed to a dead martyr called Claudandus a brother, who lived around here many years ago and was tortured by men all his life. Tormented horribly.

Francis: How do you know that?

Bluebeard: Why did you run off? The brothers just wanted to talk.

Francis: [to Bluebeard; to Felicity] I bet they did when 300 volts loosening my tongue, right? I'll be back soon.

Felicity: Hmm?

Francis: [he leaves with Bluebeard as Felicity watches him leave] Real soon. But right now, I gotta get something straight with my friend.

Francis: Did you come back here to take a leak? Forget it! You don't piss in here anymore! I live here now and I have my standards! Another killing?

Bluebeard: How the hell did you--? Yeah, there's been another one.

Francis: Let me guess. This latest victim's also a tom, just like the other four stiffs.

Bluebeard: Smartass. How the hell did you know that?

Francis: A guess, but an educated one.

Bluebeard: Anyway this time it's tight-assed Deep Purple that's taken out his last rat. His throat looks exactly though someone decided to test an ice pick to see if it works.

Francis: One question, was he castrated?

Bluebeard: Purple had his jewels intact, but, he couldn't get it up anymore.

Francis: [narrating] And there in the backyard was my house warming present. There he lay, a black brother, legs stretched out as though he was asleep. Only he wasn't asleep.

Bluebeard: It must've been a can opener.

Francis: Pardon? Can opener? I'm sorry, you lost me.

Bluebeard: It must've been a freaking can opener. Ain't it obvious? He gave our poor little Sasha an extra ventilation hole in the throat.

Francis: Oh, you mean a man! Did you witness it?

Bluebeard: Hell no; but only man are brutal enough to do a thing like this. Lousy can openers, whose only useful function is opening our dinner cans! And he's the fourth in the last month.

Francis: Do you mean it's the fourth dead body?

Bluebeard: I guess you're new on the block. Taking over that shitheap in there? Interesting, please. I go in there for a piss occasionally. Hehehe.

Francis: I don't think a can opener did it. This brother's throat has been shredded, not cut.

Bluebeard: Hey, little smartass. What do they call you?

Francis: Francis.

Bluebeard: Francis.

Pascal/Claudandus: [last lines before his death] The horror... so much pain... darkness... Francis... so much darkness... look at me now, and all you see, Francis, is evil. Yet once I was good...

Pascal/Claudandus: No, no! There aren't any good men! They're all bad! They're all the same! Animals are good creatures. But men are evil animals.

Pascal/Claudandus: The world is hell, Francis. And the crowning glory of hatefulness in this world is man. And the joke, my friend, is that we're now no different to him.

Pascal/Claudandus: Haven't you got it yet? He wants his motives to be known and understood. He's as complicated as a crossword puzzle. No. The killer is the puzzle and he wants us to... to solve it.

Pascal/Claudandus: I'm trying in my feeble way to use the computer to get on the track of the murderer you're out to find.

Pascal/Claudandus: Delighted to see you, my friends. I hope you enjoyed your tour of the house.

Bluebeard: I looked in the house Joker lives in, and it's a mess. But still, I went through it bottom to the top, but I found no sign of him.

Bluebeard: Either Joker left here in a hurry or his stomach can't take cream anymore.

Bluebeard: [sprays] Bluebeard was here.

Bluebeard: Why did you run off? The brothers just wanted to talk.

Bluebeard: Tomorrow, I'm gonna take you to meet someone. He's a real clever bastard. You aren't the only smartass in town, you know?

Bluebeard: [to Kong] I can see you're scratching for a fight. Okay, you've got one! Pretty frightening. I can see you wanna show off to my friend, Francis. So, I better make it clear that I won't stand by and watch three take on one! So, okay! Come and get it, asshole!

Francis: It isn't seven murders we have to deal with, it's hundreds! These murders started many, many years ago. It may go right back to the closing of a certain laboratory.

Francis: Bluebeard, don't kid yourself. An ice pick didn't do this; this was done by teeth. In order to crack this case, I've gotta meet as many of our brothers as I can in this godforsaken neighborhood. And you are the very brother to help me, Bluebeard!

Francis: [narrating] The musty stench hit me like a sledgehammer. I realized immediately that this revolting smell was not coming up the stairs from the cellar, but was in fact creeping down the stairs from the second floor. It was a mixture of drugstore, vet's office and toxic waste dump. And I should've known better than to set paw in the place.

Francis: [first lines; narrating] Greetings, and salutations, friends. Sit back in your seat, look hard, and listen. Because I got a story to tell, and it's not gonna be pretty. Oh, the name's Francis. You can see what species I belong to, but don't take me too lightly.