Fletch (1985) - Quotes

Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again?

Gail Stanwyk: You ordered lunch to my room.

Fletch: Well, I knew that's where my mouth would be.

Gail Stanwyk: Are you always this forward?

Fletch: Only with wet, married women.

Fletch: Do you have caviar?

Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.

Fletch: Well, I better just take two portions of that, then.

Fletch: I'm a friend of Alan's. I'm John.

Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John. John who?

Fletch: John Cock... tos... ton.

Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.

Fletch: It's Scotch-Romanian.

Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.

Fletch: So were my parents.

Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?

Gail Stanwyck: Alan's in Utah

Fletch: I...can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.

Gail Stanwyck: You know, if I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who hit on me, I'd be a rich woman.

Fletch: You ARE a rich woman.

Gail Stanwyck: See what I mean?

Waiter: Excuse me señor, you are a member of the club?

Fletch: No, I'm here with the Underhills.

Waiter: The Underhills? They are left, Señor.

Fletch: Oh they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.

Waiter: Would you like some drinks, señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills bill.

Fletch: Oh, yes. Very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a...steak sandwich.

Hispanic Housekeeper: Buenos días.

Fletch: Pup n Taco.

Alan Stanwyk: Do you own rubber gloves?

Fletch: I rent. I have a lease, with an option to buy.

Fletch: You know, I came this close to buying this place, but then I found out that Hop-along Cassidy killed himself here.

Alan Stanwyk: Who?

Fletch: Hop-along Cassidy. Bow and arrow. Very Weird.

Alan Stanwyk: What, are you doped up now?

Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, ass-face, I don't work for you, yet.

Alan Stanwyk: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.

Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?

Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.

Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.

Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen. I don't see how you can pass that up, Mister...?

Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.

Alan Stanwyk: Alan Stanwyk.

Fletch: Ellen? Charmed. You know, for an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner...

Fletch: [narrating] As I pulled up to my palatial, imitation apartment building, I noticed the familiar red Oldsmo-Buick of Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire. Attorney for the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher. Time to use the service entrance.

Fletch: Love your body, Larry.

Fletch: Can I call my mother? Tell her how much I love her?

Fletch: [smashes picture] Hey that's you and Tommy Lasorda... I hate Tommy Lasorda.

Fletch: [Corrupt Police Chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint - said in the dryest manner possible] Thank God. The police.

Fletch: Hey! I think all of our problems may have just been solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeahhahhah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo wee! Oh boy, I lost. Again. Sorry.

Fletch: Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo.

Fletch: [singing] Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...

Fletch: In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one. To me.

Fletch: [server says, "muchas gracias" and Fletch responds] Tierra Del Fuego.

Fletch: Hey, don't talk to me that way, assface. I don't work for you yet.

Fletch: [after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door] Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.

Fletch: I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Gawdawful mess. You should see my shoes.

Fletch: [to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel] Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.

Fletch: For another grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.

Fletch: [mimes door hitting him in the face] ...and who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just whack blood...

Fletch: You know, if you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.

Fletch: If you haven't guessed, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach lately. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doz...I'm talking about the hard stuff. I've been posing as an amiable, minor league junkie in order to get to the bottom of it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much.

Fletch: It was something your wife said while we were in bed together. She said we had the same build. From the waist up I imagine.

Fletch: [to a Doberman Pinscher] Look, defenseless babies!

Fletch: Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.

Fletch: I didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.