16 quotes
People's willingness to help when needed
Tex
I think you'll find people will do a lot of things for you. If you ever just want to put down the beer bottle and let them.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Apology and Couch Incident
Jillian
Here's the note.
Nancy
Oh. It's probably from Wally. I made him sleep on the couch. Nancy: "Hey, Nancy! Sorry, but I peed on your couch. I'm leaving you $20. Wally.
[''Reading'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Coffee Order with a Playful Twist
Jillian
Yes, and just a drop of milk. You know what, no milk. Just take the cup and say "Moo" over top of it.
Hippie woman
Moo-moo-moo!
Jillian
Okay. That's very good but save it for when it counts.
Hippie woman
How am I supposed to buy you the coffee?
Jillian
Crazy, I don't know if you noticed but I just gave you $5.
Hippie woman
But you didn't give me money for the actual coffee. I don't know you well enough to go and buy you a coffee. We're not friends like that.
Jillian
You know what, I have one friend. That's how I got trapped in that stupid truck. So look, I'm certainly not looking for another. Let's review. I gave you $5 to go away. Now that $5 is yours to keep no matter what. You put that straight into ]. This new $5 that is to go buy my coffee. When you return, with the coffee, I'm going to give you your $5.
[''Points to truck''; [w:Individual retirement account|your IRA]
Hippie woman
Do I get to keep the change?
Jillian
No.
Hippie woman
Yeah. Why not?
Jillian
Because I said so, and I'm too mean to ever change my mind! What are you, trying to seduce...? I don't understand. Just go and get coffee!
[''Hippie woman makes a suggestive face'']
Hippie woman
You're a believer aren't you? You believe?
Jillian
Oh, God. You know what? No. I think I can honestly say I'm just not a believer. Oh, God. I can't believe I got you to go away. Then I actually asked you to come back. Okay, okay. Hey, hey! You can do it! One coffee! One real sugar. Only you can save my life. Go.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Kindness and Regret
Jillian
Should've been nicer.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Depths of a Single Life
Betty
One life is enough for anyone. But there are so many lives within that life.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Poor House Training
Jillian
Are you house-trained yet?
Wally
I know. That was pretty bad. Is Nancy really mad?
Jillian
You urinated on her couch.
Wally
I know!
Jillian
She's not pleased.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Wally's Unconventional Customer Service Approach
Wally
I am going to wait on a customer with no pants on. Tell me that isn't the coolest thing ever.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Drunkenness and the Importance of Rules
Tex
You were way too drunk. There are rules.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Critique of Food Truck Culture
Mr. Hightower
You food truck people think you're so cool. You're not. I can get ice cream at the grocery store.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Free Samples of Ice Cream Offered Today
Man
You're giving out free samples today only?
Jillian
Yes. A cup of either ice cream or an ice cream like substance in either chocolate or vanilla.
Man
Who's Mike?
Jillian
I don't know. But I suspect he dreams of ice cream or ice cream like substance.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cold-Blooded Lawyers and Family Connections
Woman
Aren't you hot in there?
Jillian
Nope. They say people are descendants from apes but I think my family is descended from reptiles. They're all cold-blooded lawyers.
Woman
Oh, well I uh-
Jillian
What?
Woman
I don't- My family ]. ].
[[w:Objections to evolution|doesn't believe in evolution; [w:Charles Darwin|Darwin and all that; ''Walks away'']
Jillian
Okay. Next. Hi. Chocolate or vanilla?
Joel
Um, I want both.
Jillian
You can't have both. You have to pick one.
Joel
You can give me both if you wanted to.
Jillian
Yeah, but we live in a polite society. There are rules. There are lots of things I'd like to do that I'm not allowed.
Joel
Like what?
Jillian
I don't know- I'd like to walk around naked for an entire year. I'd like to sleep in a tent on ]. Kill a few people. Quite a few, actually.
[[w:Malibu, California|a beach in Malibu]
Joel
I'll have two cups of the chocolate.
Jillian
Well, you can have chocolate. Just one cup.
Joel
But the other girl always gives me two cups!
Jillian
She's not here.
Joel
Well, the other girl's a lot prettier than you are.
Jillian
Alright! First of all, you're seeing me with a hangover- no make-up! Secondly- I'm also a great deal more flexible than the girl who's usually here.
Joel
So, what?
Jillian
Well, you'll find out why it's important and people pee on that girls couch.
Joel's mother
Joel!
[''Approaches'']
Joel
What?
Joel's mother
I thought I told you to wait for me by the car. Why are you eating this junk?
[''Takes ice cream from Joel'']
Joel
I just had one bite.
Joel's mother
Shouldn't you check with the mother before you give ice cream to a child?
[''To Jillian'']
Jillian
I usually do. But- Joel said that you were dying in a hospital. He was so sad. I couldn't resist.
Joel's mother
Joel!
Joel
I didn't say that! She said she wanted to kill people!
Jillian
No! We were discussing ]! He's clearly taking that statement totally out of context.
[[w:Civil liberties|civil liberties]
Joel's mother
Come with me, right now! ] to Jillian]
[''Growls''; ''Joel walks away with his mother and then turns and gives [[w:the finger|the finger]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Trust in Relationships
Jillian
You don't trust me?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding About Stamps in a Deli
Man
Do you have any stamps?
Jillian
No.
Man
Are you sure?
Jillian
Am I sure? Yeah. I'm sorry, what kind of question is that? What? You obviously think I work in some kind of postal truck. Do you think that I would work in a postal truck and not realize that I sold stamps. Sometimes a deli will sell stamps. Do you want mustard with your ham sandwich?
Man
What's wrong with you?
Jillian
I got kidnapped this morning and I'm being forced to wear a t-shirt that makes it pretty obvious that I need to get fake breasts, before people start calling me sir, and I haven't had any coffee.
Man
I think your shirt looks nice.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Extreme Regrets Over a Couch Incident
Jillian
If I peed on your couch, I would pay someone to come in and steal all of your furniture. I would rather burn down your whole apartment building than tell you... "Hey, Nancy, I peed on your couch last night.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perception of Twins Amidst Distraction
Boy
You know, you're like the first person around her who hasn't remarked on us being identical twins.
Jillian
Well, I was going to but to be honest, I'm hung-over and I just wasn't entirely sure if I was seeing two people or not. You're twins.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Joyful Mornings
Betty
There was a time in my life when it was just a joy to wake up every morning and run to the mirror.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.