George of the Jungle (1997) - Quotes

Thor: Max, look. We're back at the treehouse.

Ape: I'm hungry.

Thor: Oh, shut up! You've been yakkin for two days straight, and I'm getting mad enough to...

Ape: You know, you really should work on your anger. Have you tried Brankowski's "Cage the Rage" technique?

Max: Don't let him get to you, Thor. He's just an ape.

Ape: That's a fine way to talk to your meal ticket. You keep that up, it's liable to affect my stage performance.

Max: Give him a banana, Thor. Won't be long now.

Thor: That's what you said yesterday. This trail's taking us to the middle of nowhere!

Max: [realizes something] The sign at the trail head said, "Shortcut to Ape River". Now, why would it say "shortcut" if it wasn't a-- Wait a minute. Maybe it's a fake. A decoy trail.

Ape: Very good, Max. Actually, the trail is a fake. It circles Ape Mountain six times before heading right back to the treehouse.

Thor: Ohhh! Oh, I knew we was lost!

Max: Don't listen to him, Thor. He's just trying to trick us, lead us off the shortcut so we take twice as long on the regular trail.

Thor: We're already taking twice as long!

Max: Are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of you?

Thor: What?

Ape: Du-u-u-uh!

Max: Let's go. If he tells us the shortcut leads to the treehouse, then that's exactly where it doesn't lead.

Thor: [[w:Las Vegas|(Las) Vegas] There's five stinking apes out there. Which one are we taking to ]?

Ape: Checkmate!

Max: [[chess] The one who's playing ]!

Beatrice Stanhope: Well, of course he went back to the jungle. Where else would he go? The Hague?

Ursula: But why would he leave without saying goodbye?

Beatrice Stanhope: Well, personally, I think he acted rather sensibly. Showed good character. He understands that he belongs there, you belong here. It's really all a question of stripes and spots.

Ursula: [realizes] What? Oh, no. You got to him. Mother, what did you say?

Beatrice Stanhope: I simply said that if he really cared for you, he'd leave you alone, let you get on with your life and marry Lyle.

Ursula: I am not marrying Lyle, Mother!

Arthur Stanhope: Beatrice, perhaps we should just--

Beatrice Stanhope: Arthur! Now, Ursula, darling, don't be ridiculous. There's a big difference between marriageable material and a fling in the jungle.

Ursula: A fling in the jungle"? A fling in the jungle? Who says I had a fling in the jungle?

Beatrice Stanhope: [Ursula realizes something] You don't think you can fool your mother, do you? You've been head over heels for that ape ever since you brought him here. Now, Ursula, that kind of love is fleeting. You'll get over it.

Ursula: [suspiciously] Did you just say love?

Beatrice Stanhope: [smile drops; tries to lie] No.

Ursula: You did.

Beatrice Stanhope: Ursula!

Ursula: You're right.

Beatrice Stanhope: Don't say it!

Ursula: I love him. I'm outta here.

Beatrice Stanhope: Ursula, you can't love him! Arthur, say something!

Arthur Stanhope: Be careful out there, honey.

Beatrice Stanhope: What?!

Ursula: [hugs Arthur Stanhope] Goodbye, Daddy.

Arthur Stanhope: I love you.

Beatrice Stanhope: What?!

Ursula: [leaves] I love you, Mom. Thank you.

Beatrice Stanhope: Ursula! Arthur, do something!

Arthur Stanhope: What would you have me do? There's obviously no stopping her.

Beatrice Stanhope: [drinks a sip of her drink and leaves] Oh, God! Ursula!

Arthur Stanhope: [under his breath] God, that woman's a pain in the ass.

Narrator: [the sound of George yelling is heard; intrigued; continuing his previous narration] Meanwhile, halfway across the world, another ass was feeling pain, as an ape named Ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome( jungle call)... Hey, I'm pretty good at that. ...and wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all-around good guy, George of the Jungle, was closer than he knew.

Mrs. Stanhope: Well, we haven't been friends for very long, George, but I already think I know something about you.

George: Oh?

Mrs. Stanhope: You are in love with my daughter.

George: Oh, Mrs. Ursula not so dumb.

Mrs. Stanhope: [chuckles] Charming. My concern, however, is that Ursula seems to reciprocate your feelings, and that does present a problem to me. You see, you and Ursula together would be unbefitting her social stature, you see? Let me put it in a way you might understand. Where you come from, zebras marry zebras and leopards marry leopards. Stripes with stripes, spots with spots. Well, Ursula is a stripe, and you are a spot, one which I intend to have removed as soon as possible.

George: So you no want Ursula to love George?

Mrs. Stanhope: I would rather have my tongue nailed to this table every morning at breakfast.

George: That hurt.

Mrs. Stanhope: Not as much as you will if you do anything to screw up my daughter's marriage to Lyle Van de Groot. When Lyle returns, this wedding will proceed as planned. If you do anything to upset that, I will remove your reason for wearing a loin cloth.

Waiter: Steak tartare, Mrs. Stanhope?

Mrs. Stanhope: [walks away from a depressed George] No, thank you. I've had quite enough protein for today. Have a pleasant evening, Mr. Jungle.

Narrator: Emboldened with jungle juju, Ursula Stanhope went inside to break the news to her parents, who took it extremely well.

Ursula: Mother, Daddy, I love you both very much. I have something very important to tell you, and I hope you'll understand. I don't wanna marry Lyle anymore.

Arthur and Beatrice: [kindly] We understand, dear.

Narrator: [in a sing-song voice; Arthur sighs in annoyance, while Beatrice screams in anger and drops her glass, which shatters in slow motion] Just kidding! The young Miss Stanhope proceeded to spill the beans...

Ursula: [in fast motion] So anyway, I went to the jungle, and I wanted to get away before I got married...

Narrator: ...very quickly...

Ursula: [in fast motion] ...and Lyle showed up and nobody got along with Lyle, he was a big pain in the ass, and anyway, so, he, he went off into the jungle by himself, and I, you know, I had to follow him. And a jungle man comes swinging through on a vine, just swinging through, and, and he, and then we, hit something, and I don't know what happened. The next thing I know I wake up all lightheaded--

Narrator: [scene replays normally] ...until she got to the important part at the end.

Ursula: [normal speed] And then, Lyle shot him. So, Lyle is in jail, and George is with me, and I don't wanna marry Lyle anymore.

Beatrice: I knew it; It's that swinging man from the bridge I saw you smooching on TV.

Ursula: Mother, we weren't smooching.

Beatrice: How could you do this to me? Don't you realize the caliber of people who are going to be here?

Arthur: Calm down, Beatrice, and let her say--

Beatrice: I thought we would be introducing them to Lyle Van de Groot, not some wild man you found in the jungle!

Arthur: Beatrice, this is supposed to be her wedding, not yours.

Beatrice: So?

Arthur: Beatrice, I know you're upset, and so am I, but we can't force her to marry someone against her will.

Beatrice: Why not?

Ursula: Mom, Dad, I'm ready to go out there and apologize to everybody and tell them what really happened.

Beatrice: [changing gears] Absolutely not! As far as I'm concerned, you, you caught one of those viruses. Yes, one of those dreadful jungle viruses that get nice girls all confused. And if Lyle survives that awful jail, you will simply have to kiss and make up. As for this evening, we will hold our heads high, and we will carry on. Now, darling, where is that charming young friend of yours?

Narrator: Well, Ursula's fiancé is in prison, and there's a jungle man sleeping on her balcony. She could use a best friend right now.

Betsy: Hi.

Ursula Stanhope: Hi.

Betsy: I got here as fast as I could. Where is he?

Ursula Stanhope: Oh, he's in the waterf-- He's in the shower.

Betsy: Not anymore.

Ursula Stanhope: [sees him naked] Oh! George.

George: [holds up a bar of soap] Bad waterfall. First, water get hot, then George slip on this strange yellow rock. Oh. Hi. George of Jungle.

Betsy: Charmed, I'm sure.

Ursula Stanhope: [he holds book covering his front part; puts bowl on his rear] George, hold this big book. Cover the booty. Get into some decent clothes. Sorry, Betsy.

George: Bye.

Betsy: [to herself] No problem. Now I can see why they made him king of the jungle.

Thor: No, Max. Forget about it. I do not want to listen to anymore of your ideas.

Max: You'll like this one. We're gonna steal Georgie-Boy's talking ape.

Thor: You mean, back up the mountain?

Max: Thor, that ape is our ticket out of poaching and into show business. Think about it. We got a talking ape. What do Sigfried and Roy have?

Thor: Sequins?

Max: Exactly. Get ready for room service, mate, and girls. We're getting our ape and going to Vegas. By next weekend, we'll be headlining at the Tropicana. Nobody is gonna stop us.

Thor: Right. George of the Jungle must be halfway to Frisco by now.

Narrator: Ah, but the plotting poachers were only half-correct, for at that very moment, our handsome hero was all the way to San Francisco.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Kwame and his men faced the next-to-impossible task of picking out George's assailant from a line-up of the usual suspects.

N'Dugo: [sees Lyle but doesn't recognize him at first] No. No. Too short. Too sweaty. Wait a second. That's the guy. That's the guy who shot him. I never forget a face.

Lyle: Me?

N'Dugo: Yes, that's him! That's our baboon!

Ape: Run, Shep! Run for your life!

Max: Did that monkey just speak?

Thor: That monkey just spoke.

Ursula Stanhope: I knew it.

Lyle: He talked.

Max: [to Thor] Shoot it now.

Ape: [turns and notices Max and Thor] Hmm?

Max: [lowers Thor's rifle] With the tranquilizer gun, idiot. The ape's worth a fortune.

George: [runs towards Ape] NOOOOOOOO!

Lyle Van de Groot: [Aims his handgun at George; in slow motion, Lyle inaudibly yells, "I mean it!" before he shoots George] Stop, or I'll shoot!

Ape: NOOOOOOOO!

Lyle Van de Groot: NOOOOOOOO!

Ursula: [fade to white] GEOOOOOOOORGE!

Narrator: [[hero] Whew! Okay, kids, let's settle down and review the important information. Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because, let's face it, he's the ].

Narrator: [Lyle gets hit by tree branches; wryly] The very next morning, Kwame and his men were drawing dangerously close. That is, dangerously close to shoving a coconut up Lyle's... sleeping bag.

Lyle: [suddenly trips and falls face first into elephant feces and everyone groans in disgust] That's it! I've had it! I am the richest, smartest, handsomest guy here, so I get to go first! There's an elephant around here.

Guides: [they all throw their heads back and guffaw at Lyle; a monkey, watching nearby, laughs with them; Lyle gets up, spitting out the feces] Ready!

Lyle: [Max and Thor laugh along with the porters] Those were nowhere near properly digested! In case anybody's wondering, I'm okay. Have you cleaned my lighter yet?

N'Dugo: [in Swahili] One moment. You blonde-haired baboon.

Lyle: Ursula! Gosh, this trail's really rough.

N'Dugo: [Swahili; mocking Lyle; Swahili; he and his men start going in another direction] Drop him! You're not his donkey. "Ursula! Ursula!" Next cliff we pass, he's history.

Lyle: Hey, come back here.

Max: They're not abandoning us, are they?

Kwame: They are threatening.

Lyle: If you don't mind, Kwame, I have a knack for getting the most out of my employees. Do you mind if I address the porters?

Kwame: They only speak Swahili.

Lyle: Well, I just happen to have a Swahili phrase book.

Kwame: Be my guest.

Lyle: [Swahili; The porters laugh. Lyle speaks English] Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But, if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams, we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning. I think our troubles are over.

Max: Tell them I'll pay 50 zamoles a man if they'll help me capture the White Ape and bring him back alive.

Lyle: Alive? After he...uh...well, he pulled Ursula's scrunchy off. We know that much.

Max: 50 zamoles a man. What do you say?

Kwame: They only speak Swahili.

N'Dugo: [in English] 100 zamoles a man and you got a deal.

Lyle: [shocked] Hey, wait a second.

Max: [acceptingly] Done.

N'Dugo: [Mocking Lyle in Swahili; [w:Maui|Maui; grunts] I was on a bridge like this in ], and it was steady as a rock".

Lyle: [[evil] They probably think I'm the biggest jerk they've ever seen in their lives. I'll bet they're thinking of something ] to do to me.

Porter 1: [in Swahili] That guy's the biggest jerk I've ever seen in my life.

Porter 2: [in Swahili; N'Dugo grunts] Let's think of something evil to do to him.

Lyle: Hey! The important thing, Kwame, is that I was outnumbered.

N'Dugo: [in Swahili; [zero] It's easy to be outnumbered when you're a ].

Thor: I'm chafing, Max. I'm chafing big-time.

Max: Didn't I tell you not to wear twenty pounds of black leather in the jungle? Didn't I tell you? Cotton, I said. Cotton breathes.

Narrator: And so, onward and upward, the tired trekkers trudged on feverished footsies over perilous paths. When they finally beheld the mighty Ape Mountain, they reacted with awe.

Expedition: Aww.

Narrator: [[Awe] I said "]". A-W-E.

Expedition: Ooh.

Narrator: That's better.

Ape: George's Secrets." There's the shortest book ever written.

Spectators on boat: [''George smacks into tugboat pilothouse''] Watch out for that- Ooh...!

Lyle Van de Groot: No hard feelings, Stonebelly. The best man won, that's all. Or, I should say, the guy who brought mercenaries won; that's all.

Lyle Van de Groot: [''Translating with [[w:Swahili language|a Swahili phrasebook; [w:fried clams|fried clams; [w:smallpox|smallpox] Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you would just let me order a bowl of ] we can all have ] tomorrow morning.

Lyle Van de Groot: [''Practicing his made-up story about Ursula getting captured by the White Ape''] It was horrible. An almost 400-pound white ape man. The White Ape has my girlfriend. I held him off as long as I could. There's blood everywhere. The White Ape got my girlfriend. He weighs 400-pounds! The White Ape got my girlfriend! The White Ape got...help! Help! Man needs help!

George: [''After crashing into a tree at a breakneck speed''] George not feel so good.

George: [''Whimpers''] This biggest swing in jungle history. Will hurt very much...but George have to do it.

George: [''Ursula swings on a vine, knocking Max over, then slams into a tree''] George good teacher!

George: [''Arrives in [[Africa] ] in a crate] Next time George get bigger box.

George: [''About to swing and save a man''; [w:Hamlet|To swing or not to swing; ''Man screams for help''] ]? ] Swing.

George: [''George screams and falls out of treehouse''] Sometime George smash into tree. And sometime... Sometime George fall out of treehouse. But not feel stupid. No people here to look stupid for. Just George.

George: It dancin time.

George: Here comes Shep.

George: [''Looks down the unconscious Ursula's blouse''] Something funny about this fella.

George: [''Swinging a lion over his head while protecting Ursula''] George not even trying hard.

George: [''Repeated line''] George just lucky, I guess.

Narrator: [''After Lyle causes N'Dugo to fall off rope bridge into gorge''; ''Scene cuts to camp with N'Dugo, bandaged, glaring at Lyle''] Don't worry. Nobody dies in this story, they just get really big boo-boos. What did I tell you?