16 quotes
Choosing the Least Attention-Grabbing Vehicle
Agent 99
Which one of these is going to attract the least attention?
Maxwell Smart
All right, well we have a couple of Soviet-era sedans here. We have that tractor, that cart. And... that'll work.
[looks inside a garage and spots something]
Agent 99
No.
Maxwell Smart
Yes.
Agent 99
No!
[objectively]
Maxwell Smart
Yess.....
[starts entering the garage]
Agent 99
Oh yeah, we are really under the radar now.
[sarcastically]
Maxwell Smart
Will you relax? Since the fall of Communism, everybody has one of these here.
Farmer
A Ferrari!
[subtitled Russian; His wife whips out a cell phone and promptly takes a picture of the car]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Close but Not Quite
Maxwell Smart
Missed it by THAT much.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Adhering to Rules in Intelligence Operations
Agent 23
No, Chief. He didn't unjam the copier. Now, we have rules here, you know that. If you don't follow the rules, then what are we?
Chief
I'll tell you what we're not. We're not people who jam staples into other people's heads. That's CIA crap.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on Femininity in Relationships
Agent 23
See, this is your problem! Some men like women who are feminine!
Agent 99
What, I'm not feminine?!
Agent 23
Nooo.
Agent 99
I'M NOT FEMININE?!?!?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Shift in Partnership Dynamics
Maxwell Smart
Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths?
[99 suddenly stops and turns on him]
Agent 99
Okay, okay! You know what, so far our entire "partnership" has consisted of me getting you out of trouble! Do you know why?! It is because you keep leading!!
Maxwell Smart
Well-
Agent 99
So here's how we stop that: I lead now! I'm the one with field experience, and you know nothing!
Maxwell Smart
I beg to differ! I looked up your field agent exam, and I scored-
[99 starts walking]
Agent 99
My what?!
Maxwell Smart
Your field agent exam! I scored eight points higher than you did! That is the difference between an A+ and an A-!
Agent 99
This is not a classroom! This is real! You are really going to get yourself killed if you don't listen to me!!
[simultaneously]
Maxwell Smart
....A-!
[Beat]
Agent 99
Okay. Okay, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do?
Maxwell Smart
I take out my gun and I would shoot-
[draws pistol; As he brings it up in front of him, 99 grabs it and points it at his head]
Agent 99
You don't have a gun.
Maxwell Smart
I did until you took it-
Agent 99
Bang!", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart
No, I'm not.
[99 lowers it at his heart]
Agent 99
Bang!", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart
Stop shooting me.
Agent 99
You are dead! Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang!
[starts pointing it to all over his upper body]
Maxwell Smart
I don't like it when you shoot me! Stop it! Stop shooting me! You've already said I was- Hey.
[as she's saying that; 99 sticks Max's gun back into his pants, in the process making an almost sexual advance on him]
Agent 99
Throw out your manual. Out here there are no grades. There's only "dead" and "not dead".
[quietly through gritted teeth]
Maxwell Smart
You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of Choi Kwang-Do. I was not ready!
[99 stops, glaring away from Max. As he warms up, she suddenly spins and backhands him across his face]
Agent 99
That's my point.
Maxwell Smart
You know what- Hey! What was that?!
[She slaps him again]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Comedic Take on Vacation Adventures
Maxwell Smart
Boy, you know what? I will tell you, I love your country! No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!
[an alarm on his watch goes off]
Maxwell Smart
Time to take my pill... There was a guy in the bathroom who's really hot.
[He leaves and returns to his and 99's table]
Agent 99
OK. Well...
Maxwell Smart
No, no, no, radioactive hot. Although, yes, he did have a certain rugged quality that some find appealing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation on Regret and Self-Perception
Maxwell Smart
I am sorry. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent. And when that happens, one phone call could take me to the other side of the world. Who am I kidding? I'm a middle aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, Fang. Don't love me. Oh, dear. Sorry.
[sighs; The camera angle changes to show that he's talking to a dog in a pet store display window; As he starts to walk away, a jogger plows straight into him, and both of them fall down; He helps her to her feet]
Agent 99
Oh, great! That was my last mile. Now I have no idea how fast I was!
[looks at her watch]
Maxwell Smart
Well, you were really moving. Not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.
Agent 99
I'm just gonna call that one a... 4:50.
Maxwell Smart
Impressive. I, uh, once ran a 5:16.
Agent 99
Oh really? That's, uh, slower.
Maxwell Smart
Well, not everything's a competition.
Agent 99
If it were, I'd win.
Maxwell Smart
Ah. Are you flirting with me?
Agent 99
Not at all. Are you flirting with me?
Maxwell Smart
That depends. Is it working?
[99 puts her headphones back in her ears]
Agent 99
Not at all.
[jogs away]
Maxwell Smart
Well nice meeting you! I admire your focus! Am I invisible?
[A man comes out of the store wheeling a dolly, and one wheel runs over Max's foot. He screams in pain]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Betrayal and Disappointment in Spy Dynamics
Maxwell Smart
Chief, I have to say this whole thing really steams my clams. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.
The Chief
Sand trap.
[They plow through a sand dune]
Maxwell Smart
Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!
The Chief
Tractor.
[they crash over a tractor]
Maxwell Smart
Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.
The Chief
Swordfish!
Maxwell Smart
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief
I don't know. Were you thinking, "Oh my god, oh my god. A swordfish almost went through my head!"? If so, then yes.
[calmly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Battle of Wits Over a Briefcase
Agent 23
It's not over Max, I'll take that briefcase.
Max
If you want it, you'll have to take it.
Agent 23
That's... what I just said.
Max
I know, I'm just trying to annoy you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in Everyday Conversations
Agent 99
So, how do you know this place?
Maxwell Smart
Well, as an analyst, I like to keep my ears open. It's amazing what you can learn listening to chatter. In fact, Ladislas Krstic loves this place, as do many KAOS agents. Cafe Minsk Pinsk in Smolensk - it doesn't get any better than thinsk. See what I just did? I added an "insk" at the end of the word. Made it sound Russian.
[99 stares at him]
Agent 99
Should've smacked you harder.
[sighs]
Maxwell Smart
Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face, willy-nilly? "It's Tuesday, I'll punch Max in the face." "Ooh, a box of kittens, time to punch Max in the face." "Oh, I'm having some bread, time to punch Max in the face!
Agent 99
You know, I love bread, and I know bread has a few carbs, but I've never been afraid of carbs, because it seems like no matter how many I eat, I stay thinsk.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Annoyance of Repetitive Calling
Sean
Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Mom
Sean! Sean! Sean! Sean! See how annoying that is?
[on the phone; oblivious]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounter and Unpleasant Odor
Maxwell Smart
Bruce! Lloyd! What happened here... and what is that ungodly smell?
Lloyd
Fear.
[whimpering]
Agent 99
Freeze!
Maxwell Smart
Freeze.
Agent 99
No, you freeze!
Maxwell Smart
You freeze.
Agent 99
I told you to freeze!
Maxwell Smart
Freeze, times infinity.
Agent 99
Oh, my God! You!
[turns Max around so that he's facing her, and they recognize each other]
Maxwell Smart
You.
Agent 99
Are you CONTROL?
Maxwell Smart
Yes I am. I'm Maxwell Smart. I am a CONTROL analyst. Who are you?
[beat]
Agent 99
I'm Agent 99.
Maxwell Smart
Oh, my lord, you are Agent 99? I am a huge fan!
Agent 99
Thank you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Doubt in the Face of Threats
Max
I think it only fair to warn you that this building has been surrounded by 130 highly trained Black Ops snipers.
Siegfreid
I don't believe you.
Max
Would you believe two dozen DELTA Force commandos?
Siegfreid
No.
Max
How about ] with a BB gun?
[[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Generational Communication Challenges in Dialogue
Shtarker
What good hang time, huh?
[After Siegfried gets thrown out of the car and over a bridge]
The Chief
Speak up son. I'm an old man, you know.
[Having punched out a belittling secret service agent]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Painful Surprise
Maxwell Smart
Well, that was a sucker punch to the gonads.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity Reveal in a Comedic Exchange
Siegfried
Who are you?
Max
My name is Nudnis Shpilkes. Who are you?
Siegfried
I am Siegfried.
Max
Did you say SIEGFRIEEEED?
Siegfried
Yes.
Max
I understand that you're the man to see if someone is interested in acquiring items of a nuclear nature.
Siegfried
How do I know you're not CONTROL?
Max
If I were CONTROL, you'd already be dead.
Siegfried
If you were CONTROL, you'd already be dead.
Max
Well, neither of us is dead, so I'm obviously not from CONTROL.
Shtarker
...That actually makes sense.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.