Get Smart (2008) - Quotes

Sean: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Mom: [on the phone; oblivious] Sean! Sean! Sean! Sean! See how annoying that is?

Maxwell Smart: Chief, I have to say this whole thing really steams my clams. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.

The Chief: [They plow through a sand dune] Sand trap.

Maxwell Smart: Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!

The Chief: [they crash over a tractor] Tractor.

Maxwell Smart: Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.

The Chief: Swordfish!

Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

The Chief: [calmly] I don't know. Were you thinking, "Oh my god, oh my god. A swordfish almost went through my head!"? If so, then yes.

Agent 23: See, this is your problem! Some men like women who are feminine!

Agent 99: What, I'm not feminine?!

Agent 23: Nooo.

Agent 99: I'M NOT FEMININE?!?!?!

Agent 23: No, Chief. He didn't unjam the copier. Now, we have rules here, you know that. If you don't follow the rules, then what are we?

Chief: I'll tell you what we're not. We're not people who jam staples into other people's heads. That's CIA crap.

Agent 99: Which one of these is going to attract the least attention?

Maxwell Smart: [looks inside a garage and spots something] All right, well we have a couple of Soviet-era sedans here. We have that tractor, that cart. And... that'll work.

Agent 99: No.

Maxwell Smart: Yes.

Agent 99: [objectively] No!

Maxwell Smart: [starts entering the garage] Yess.....

Agent 99: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, we are really under the radar now.

Maxwell Smart: Will you relax? Since the fall of Communism, everybody has one of these here.

Farmer: [subtitled Russian; His wife whips out a cell phone and promptly takes a picture of the car] A Ferrari!

Maxwell Smart: [an alarm on his watch goes off] Boy, you know what? I will tell you, I love your country! No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!

Maxwell Smart: [He leaves and returns to his and 99's table] Time to take my pill... There was a guy in the bathroom who's really hot.

Agent 99: OK. Well...

Maxwell Smart: No, no, no, radioactive hot. Although, yes, he did have a certain rugged quality that some find appealing.

Agent 99: So, how do you know this place?

Maxwell Smart: [99 stares at him] Well, as an analyst, I like to keep my ears open. It's amazing what you can learn listening to chatter. In fact, Ladislas Krstic loves this place, as do many KAOS agents. Cafe Minsk Pinsk in Smolensk - it doesn't get any better than thinsk. See what I just did? I added an "insk" at the end of the word. Made it sound Russian.

Agent 99: [sighs] Should've smacked you harder.

Maxwell Smart: Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face, willy-nilly? "It's Tuesday, I'll punch Max in the face." "Ooh, a box of kittens, time to punch Max in the face." "Oh, I'm having some bread, time to punch Max in the face!

Agent 99: You know, I love bread, and I know bread has a few carbs, but I've never been afraid of carbs, because it seems like no matter how many I eat, I stay thinsk.

Maxwell Smart: [99 suddenly stops and turns on him] Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths?

Agent 99: Okay, okay! You know what, so far our entire "partnership" has consisted of me getting you out of trouble! Do you know why?! It is because you keep leading!!

Maxwell Smart: Well-

Agent 99: So here's how we stop that: I lead now! I'm the one with field experience, and you know nothing!

Maxwell Smart: [99 starts walking] I beg to differ! I looked up your field agent exam, and I scored-

Agent 99: My what?!

Maxwell Smart: Your field agent exam! I scored eight points higher than you did! That is the difference between an A+ and an A-!

Agent 99: [simultaneously] This is not a classroom! This is real! You are really going to get yourself killed if you don't listen to me!!

Maxwell Smart: [Beat] ....A-!

Agent 99: Okay. Okay, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do?

Maxwell Smart: [draws pistol; As he brings it up in front of him, 99 grabs it and points it at his head] I take out my gun and I would shoot-

Agent 99: You don't have a gun.

Maxwell Smart: I did until you took it-

Agent 99: Bang!", you're dead!

Maxwell Smart: [99 lowers it at his heart] No, I'm not.

Agent 99: Bang!", you're dead!

Maxwell Smart: Stop shooting me.

Agent 99: [starts pointing it to all over his upper body] You are dead! Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang!

Maxwell Smart: [as she's saying that; 99 sticks Max's gun back into his pants, in the process making an almost sexual advance on him] I don't like it when you shoot me! Stop it! Stop shooting me! You've already said I was- Hey.

Agent 99: [quietly through gritted teeth] Throw out your manual. Out here there are no grades. There's only "dead" and "not dead".

Maxwell Smart: [99 stops, glaring away from Max. As he warms up, she suddenly spins and backhands him across his face] You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of ­Choi Kwang-Do. I was not ready!

Agent 99: That's my point.

Maxwell Smart: [She slaps him again] You know what- Hey! What was that?!

Maxwell Smart: Bruce! Lloyd! What happened here... and what is that ungodly smell?

Lloyd: [whimpering] Fear.

Agent 99: Freeze!

Maxwell Smart: Freeze.

Agent 99: No, you freeze!

Maxwell Smart: You freeze.

Agent 99: I told you to freeze!

Maxwell Smart: Freeze, times infinity.

Agent 99: [turns Max around so that he's facing her, and they recognize each other] Oh, my God! You!

Maxwell Smart: You.

Agent 99: Are you CONTROL?

Maxwell Smart: [beat] Yes I am. I'm Maxwell Smart. I am a CONTROL analyst. Who are you?

Agent 99: I'm Agent 99.

Maxwell Smart: Oh, my lord, you are Agent 99? I am a huge fan!

Agent 99: Thank you.

Maxwell Smart: [sighs; The camera angle changes to show that he's talking to a dog in a pet store display window; As he starts to walk away, a jogger plows straight into him, and both of them fall down; He helps her to her feet] I am sorry. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent. And when that happens, one phone call could take me to the other side of the world. Who am I kidding? I'm a middle aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, Fang. Don't love me. Oh, dear. Sorry.

Agent 99: [looks at her watch] Oh, great! That was my last mile. Now I have no idea how fast I was!

Maxwell Smart: Well, you were really moving. Not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.

Agent 99: I'm just gonna call that one a... 4:50.

Maxwell Smart: Impressive. I, uh, once ran a 5:16.

Agent 99: Oh really? That's, uh, slower.

Maxwell Smart: Well, not everything's a competition.

Agent 99: If it were, I'd win.

Maxwell Smart: Ah. Are you flirting with me?

Agent 99: Not at all. Are you flirting with me?

Maxwell Smart: [99 puts her headphones back in her ears] That depends. Is it working?

Agent 99: [jogs away] Not at all.

Maxwell Smart: [A man comes out of the store wheeling a dolly, and one wheel runs over Max's foot. He screams in pain] Well nice meeting you! I admire your focus! Am I invisible?

Max: I think it only fair to warn you that this building has been surrounded by 130 highly trained Black Ops snipers.

Siegfreid: I don't believe you.

Max: Would you believe two dozen DELTA Force commandos?

Siegfreid: No.

Max: [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris] How about ] with a BB gun?

Siegfried: Who are you?

Max: My name is Nudnis Shpilkes. Who are you?

Siegfried: I am Siegfried.

Max: Did you say SIEGFRIEEEED?

Siegfried: Yes.

Max: I understand that you're the man to see if someone is interested in acquiring items of a nuclear nature.

Siegfried: How do I know you're not CONTROL?

Max: If I were CONTROL, you'd already be dead.

Siegfried: If you were CONTROL, you'd already be dead.

Max: Well, neither of us is dead, so I'm obviously not from CONTROL.

Shtarker: ...That actually makes sense.

Agent 23: It's not over Max, I'll take that briefcase.

Max: If you want it, you'll have to take it.

Agent 23: That's... what I just said.

Max: I know, I'm just trying to annoy you.

Shtarker: [After Siegfried gets thrown out of the car and over a bridge] What good hang time, huh?

The Chief: [Having punched out a belittling secret service agent] Speak up son. I'm an old man, you know.

Maxwell Smart: Missed it by THAT much.

Maxwell Smart: Well, that was a sucker punch to the gonads.