13 quotes
Exciting News Leads to Uncertain Responses
Tess
I have some exciting news for you. I have an inoperable brain tumor. I have bought you and your men a scud missile launcher. We are going to the opera in Columbus. Which of those do you think is true?
[pause; pause]
Doug
When?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Uncertainty About Public Recognition
Store Manager
Does she want to be known today?
[to Doug]
Store Manager
Don't know her! Don't know her! Don't know her!
[to customers and cashiers]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Influence and Memory in a Small Town
Tess Carlisle
Do I still have any influence in that evil little town or have they forgotten all about me?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preparation for the President's Arrival
Tess Carlisle
The President is coming to Somersville. Will you have the cars and the machine guns ready in about an hour?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Upholding Professionalism in Security Detail
Doug Chesnic
Since you've insisted on me staying, you should know I intend to do my job by the book which means we don't run errands, we don't make snacks and we don't check our guns at the door. Now if you don't like any of this, I suggest you call Washington and get yourself a new man.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Over Casual Language
Frederick
Just back to pick up your accoutrements?
Doug
Speak English Fred.
Frederick
Just back to pick up your shit?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Legal Advice Amidst Tension
Doug
Where is she Earl?
Earl
Speak to my lawyer Agent... Agent Dougie.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Agent's Duty vs. Personal Expectations
Doug Chesnic
I'm a secret service agent, Mrs. Carlisle, not a caddy. You want that ball? I suggest you go get it yourself.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Authority and Confidence in Leadership
Doug
The regulations aren't really that sacred, are they? And Tess... Get in the god damn chair.
[Calming the hospital employee who insisted it's hospital policy that patients leave by wheelchair]
Tess
Hmm. Very good, Douglas. You're going to be all right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Tense Exchange in the Office
Doug
I'll get the chair. HEY! STOP! HEY EARL STOP! DAMN!
[Doug gets the chair, but Earl takes off with Tess; yelling and screaming; throws the chair on the ground; throws the chair on the ground again and walks to a station for a telephone]
Lee Danielson
Office.
Doug
Are they back yet?
Lee Danielson
Doug?
Doug
Yeah, Doug! Are they there?
Lee Danielson
Who, Mrs. Carlisle?
Doug
Yes.
Lee Danielson
No, they're not here! Aren't they with you?
Doug
Call everybody in, come get me.
Doug
Did they get back yet?
Lee Danielson
Nope! When did they take off?
Doug
2 and a 1/2 hours ago.
Lee Danielson
Jesus.
Doug
Who's this? Tom, are they there? All right, call Sheriff Janson and the highway patrol, tell them they're out joyriding again. It's not a problem, but inform them that there's no security with Mrs. Carlisle, thanks.
[hangs up cell phone]
Lee Danielson
]?
[[w:Washington, D.C.|Washington]
Doug
No, not yet. We'll give them another hour. Goddamn her for this.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embrace Life's Joys and Simple Pleasures
Tess Carlisle
You should get a date, you should have a martini, you should drive with the top down, you should better yet give a tired old widow a break.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Price Check on Le Sueur Baby Peas
Tess
It's got no price at all.
[in the grocery store]
Bob
Yes ma'am. Uh, Doug, this is Bobby in canned goods, are you anywhere near the manager? I need a price check on Le Sueur baby peas, repeat, Le Sueurbaby peas.
[over the radio]
Doug
Le Sueur baby peas.
Store Manager
They're on special today, two for .59.
Doug
They're on special today, two for .59.
Bob
Uh, copy that, it's two for .59.
Tess
But I only want one.
Bob
Uh, roger that, Doug, but she only wants one.
Doug
How much for just one?
Store Manager
The same. It's a two for one thing.
Doug
Uh, Bobby, it's a two for one thing so I suggest you go ahead and get both.
Bob
Uh, copy that Doug but I believe we've lost in interest in peas, repeat, lost interest in peas. Canned goods out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected multitasking during a serious conversation
Sheriff Janson
Uh-huh, well just hold on a minute, I'm gonna...Agent Chesnic, I'm gonna have to put you on the speaker.
Doug
Is there someone else in the room?
Sheriff Janson
Oh no, no I just want to practice my putting while we're talking! What can I do for you?
[with others around him]
Doug
Would you please put out an all-points for Mrs. Carlisle's automobile? It's a 92 Lincoln, Ohio plates, kilo-hotel-oscar 362. When last he was seen heading east on the Chester Exit of ].
[[w: Interstate 71|I-71]
Sheriff Janson
Just hold everything! Have I got this right? Have you and the Secret Service boys gone and lost the president's wife again?
Doug
I don't believe there's any cause for concern here, she's with her driver, she's perfectly safe, but proper procedure requires us to notify you.
Sheriff Janson
Of course it does, uh we'll get on this right now.
Doug
Thank you!
[on cell phone]
Sheriff Janson
Agent Chesnic, uh Mrs. Carlisle is pretty slippery, isn't she? I mean for a senior citizen! Hello?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.