Half Baked (1998) - Quotes

Friendship and Laughter in Half Baked

Taglines: A comedy about best buds!

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Caution: Potential Side Effects of Viewing

Taglines: Warning: this movie may cause the munchies, cotton mouth, and memory loss!

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Friends Unite to Rescue Their Companion

Taglines: They'll do anything to save their best bud.

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Conversations About Origins and Backgrounds

Samson: So, tell me about yourself.

Thurgood: Well yaknow I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy.

Samson: What part of Jamaica?

Thurgood: Right near the beach. BOY!

Samson: I think you're bullshitting me.

Thurgood: Samson Simpson! I stick by my story! I'm from Jamaica. If I wasn't Jamaican than why would I wear this hat? hm?

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Misunderstanding Leads to Humorous Crossbow Panic

Samson: Delilah, get me "eight fourteen".

Delilah: [''to another woman''] Eight fourteen.

Thurgood: [''whispers to Scarface and Brian''] What the fucks "eight fourteen"?

Thurgood: AH! I'm sorry y'all, I don't want to be the first nigga to die from a crossbow.

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Debate on Substance Addiction in Rehab

Thurgood: I'm here today because I'm addicted..to marijuana.

Rehab patient: You in here cuz of marijuana?! Man, this is some BULLSHIT!

Cocaine addict: Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke.

Rehab patient: [do it] I seen him !

Cocaine addict: Now that's an addiction, man. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?

Thurgood: No, I can't say I have.

Cocaine addict: [sits back down] I didn't think so.

Rehab patient: Boo this man!

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Misunderstanding in a humorous exchange

Kenny: [''to police horse''] Hey girl, you hungry?

Overweight woman: [''walking by''] Fuck you, nigga!

Kenny: Hey, I'm sorry...I was talking to the horse here.

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Discussion About Drug Dealing Duration

Thurgood: [your dad; jail] Yea. Um, So how long's been in ?

Mary Jane: Four years next month.

Thurgood: Four years. And what exactly was he selling?

Mary Jane: Marijuana.

Thurgood: FOUR YEARS JUST FOR WEED?! DAMN!

Mary Jane: Just? No, no, no, no. Not just. Marijuana is terrible. It's a gateway drug. I mean, everybody knows that it leads to other stuff.

Thurgood: Yeah, mostly junk food.

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Unexpected Request from a Scientist

Scientist: Janitor? Uh, janitor?

Thurgood: Ah! Oh..sorry bout that. What is it, scientist?

Scientist: [hands Thurgood a note] I know this isn't your responsibility but, uh, could you be a dear and run this down to the supply department for me? It's on the second floor.

Thurgood: Just run this down?

Scientist: Yes, but make sure you bring the order right back to me. I need it A.S.A.P.

Thurgood: [hands him a mop] Gotcha. Hey, I know this isn't your responsibility but just mop the rest of this shit up I'll be right back.

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Miscommunication About the Door and Alarm

Scarface: Man, you didn't say nothing bout no door, yo!

Thurgood: Just chill out, man. I smoked weed here all the time. This door's never locked.

Thurgood: I didn't say the alarm would be off, though. I just said it's never locked.

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Negotiating the Price of a Record

Brian: Lady, you want seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five.

Woman: Uh-uh. He autographed it himself...

Brian: Okay, I'll give you four.

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A Humorous Take on Urgency and Priorities

Kenny: Hey, if I`m not back in 10 minutes call the police.

Thurgood: If he ain't back in 10 minutes, we callin Dominoes!

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Cultural Identity and Substance Use Humor

Brian: I'll pretend I'm Jamaican man! Yeah!

Thurgood: You have smoked yourself retarded!

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Cultural Identity in a Tense Exchange

Samson: I'm gonna take your little Mexican friend here and I'm gonna kill him.

Scarface: I'm Cuban, b!

Samson: Yes, Cuban B!

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Unexpected Phone Call Among Friends

Thurgood: (answering phone) Mr. Nice Guy - party accessories.

Samson: Well did you get my message?

Thurgood: Who is this?

Samson: This is SAMPSON, smarty pants!

Thurgood: Operator with an emergency breakthrough from your sister. (high-pitched voice) "Samson, it's Shelia! Mama fell-

Samson: SHUT UP, BITCH!!!

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Embracing a Carefree Attitude Towards Ideas

Brian: I just wanna say that that was a great idea, Thurgood. I mean how do you come up with...

Scarface: Just smoke it, yo.

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Cannabis Use and Personal Loss Discussion

Brian: You smoke?

Mary Jane: No my grandmother died from lung cancer.

Brian: That's all the more reason to toke up man! It'll ease the pain!

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Struggles and Humor in Everyday Life

Nasty Nate: So the next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail...FRUIT!

Sir-Smoke-Alot: I want to talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden! Cause it's hard being black and gifted. Sometimes I just wanna throw it all down and get lifted!

Sir-Smoke-Alot: I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, bitch!

Kenny: Ya hear that? I'm somebody's bitch!

Brian: Get some...sour cream and onion chips, with some dip, man. Some beef jerkey, some peanut butter. Get some Hagen-Dagz ice-cream bars. A whole lotta of chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, pink popcorn. GRAHAM CRACKERS!!! Graham crackers with the marshmallows. Little marshmallows with little chocolate bars and we'll make some s'mores man. Celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries, pizzas, we need two big pizzas, man, everything on em, water, a whole lotta water and.......Funyuns.

Brian: Don't worry. Don't worry. l'm not gonna do what everyone thinks l'm gonna do: Flip out, man! All l wanna know is: who's comin with me? Who's comin', man? Who's comin with me?

Enhancement Smoker: You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some weird shit in there, man. There's a dude sittin in the bushes, man, does he have a gun? I dunno, man, I dunno! Wha, wha? RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO. It's just some weird shit, man!

Sir-Smoke-Alot: Doctor says I need a back-iotomy!

Humorous Reaction to Ice Cream Mention

Scarface: Ahhhh this motherfucker said ice cream, B!

A Bold Departure from a Conversation

Scarface: [To each of his fellow burger employees; To the old lady customer; the old lady gives a thumb-up] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out!

Confrontation and Fast Food Humor in Half Baked

Scarface: I'm right behind you. Turn around and ask me for a heffer with cheese, yo. Why you gotta make me feel inferior cause I'm on the grill, B? Damn!