15 quotes
Unexpected Call from a Blocked Number
Dale
Hey, what's that? Who's calling you?
Kurt
I don't know. It's blocked.
Nick
(realizes Kurt has the dark phone) Oh, no.
Kurt
(answers phone) Hello.
Nick
(right behind Kurt) Hi.
Kurt
Who is this?
Nick
It's me, dickless! (angrily slams phone to the ground)
Kurt
Hey, what are you doing? You're supposed to call the dark phone.
Nick
I did! You've got it in your hand. You were supposed to tape that under the bench.
Kurt
Oh...
Dale
Oh, shit! So, what phone does he have?!
Nick
Bert has Kurt's phone, with our contact information on it.
Dale
(starts to hit Kurt) And all the pictures of us from when we used to be friends? Are you kidding me?!
Kurt
Easy, easy, easy. Knock it off! Okay, look, this is no big deal, all right? We'll just punt. We'll do it tomorrow. All right? I mean, as long as we don't call the phone, he'll never find it.
Nick
He found it.
Kurt
What? How? We are screwed. Shit!
Dale
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I got an idea.
Dale
Okay, I'm gonna call that phone. If he's talking on it, he's not gonna look through it.
Kurt
Yes! Call my phone.
Dale
All right. All right. What's your number? What's your number?
Kurt
You don't know my phone number?
Dale
I don't know my phone number.
Kurt
Well, I don't know it. I never call myself.
Nick
I know both of your numbers. Area code 323...
Kurt
That's all I need. That's all I need.
Dale
Okay yes.
Kurt
I got there. I got there. Here we go. Here we go. Okay. Ahem.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussing Wealth and Betrayal Among Friends
Nick
Are you guys shitting me in there?
Dale
Well, I mean, his dad sold him out for, like...honestly, it was probably nothing to him.
Kurt
Pennies to him.
Dale
The guy's so rich.
Kurt
That would rock me to my core. I mean, have a little empathy, Nick. Please?
Dale
Yeah.
Dale
You know what's going on? You're holding a grudge right now.
Nick
Am I?
Dale
Yes, you do that. You get all tight, and you're going to get cancer.
Kurt
You got to let the past be the past.
Nick
I don't want that.
Dale
Let the past be the past.
Nick
Yeah. The past? Well, we're not in the fucking past. We're in the goddamn present. And you guys are...
Nick
What are you talking about? You're acting like you have Stockholm Syndrome.
Dale
What is that?
Kurt
Like, jet lag?
Nick
No.
Dale
Dude, do I look tired to you?
Nick
You don't, no.
Kurt
You don't look tired to me.
Dale
I'm fine.
Nick
Stockholm Syndrome's when you bond with your captors, idiots.
Kurt
Oh, okay. Well then, hold on a second. He's the hostage. So, technically, this would be reverse Stockholm Syndrome.
Nick
Yes, true.
Dale
Yeah, and we don't have that. Okay? He's just a really, really, really, really, really likable guy. I like him a lot.
Kurt
He's really likable.
Dale
He's cool. The guy's a winner.
Kurt
That's so true.
Dale
It's so nice to be around a winner for a change.
Kurt
Oh, it feels right Nick! Come on, man.
Nick
Here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna go in there. We're gonna tell him cops were never a part of this plan, and the shit ends now. Let's do it.
Nick
Come on!
Kurt
Okay. But you got to hear us out about festering.
Dale
I mean, it's like you can't have a conversation with the guy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pursuing the American Dream Through Hard Work
Bert Hanson
I respect you gentlemen for wanting to roll up your sleeves and build something, stake your claim. Now I came to this country with nothing. And through risk and hard work, I made my own American dream come true.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Concept of Kidnapping
Detective Hatcher
Who said anything about kidnapping?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Participation in a Plan
Nick
Guys, I'm not gonna kidnap someone based on ].
[[w:9 to 5 (film)|9 to 5]
Kurt
Ooh, snap.
Dale
That's right, you're the scaredy-cat one. You're always the last to man up about everything. You're dragging your feet.
Dale
Wh-why are you here if you're not gonna participate?
Nick
First of all, if anyone, I'm the smart one. I'm Lily Tomlin. But I'm not having this conversation
Kurt
Holly, please, I'm Lily fucking Tomlin, if anybody is. Sitting in the big chair, giving David O. Russell shit.
Dale
Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's got the tude. He's got the tude. You're Fonda, man.
Kurt
You're Jane Fonda. That makes you Jane Fonda.
Nick
(to Dale) That makes you Dolly Parton.
Kurt
Ooh.
Dale
Great. Woman's got her own theme park. She's a national treasure.
Kurt
She has two national treasures.
Dean MF Jones
Can I pose a question to you colonizers?
Nick
Happened a long time ago.
Dean MF Jones
How do you kidnap somebody without them knowing they've been kidnapped?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Urgent Needs During a Car Chase
Dale
Hey can I hop out and piss really quick?
Nick
No you cannot. We're in a car chase.
Dale
Super long train. I feel like I could get it done.
Kurt
It is a lot of freight.
Dale
I feel like I could've pissed by now.
Nick
Let him go. Open the door. Get him out.
Dean MF Jones
Caboose coming.
Dale
Ah, shit!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nervous Moments and Urgent Needs
Dale
Oh, fuck, I have to piss.
Kurt
What?
Dale
I have to piss. I'm nervous. I have to piss. I'm sorry.
Kurt
Shh! Go, go, pee, just pee.
Dale
It's gonna make too much noise.
Kurt
No, no, no. Put your--put your--just dip your dick into--into the toilet.
Dale
Oh, sit down and do it? Okay.
Kurt
Yeah, yeah.
Dale
(unzips his zipper but notices...) It doesn't reach.
Kurt
What?
Dale
It doesn't reach. Should it reach?
Kurt
I mean...I don't know if it's about "should", but...
Dale
I'll put the seat up.
Kurt
Put the--yeah, put the seat up and just dip your butt in the bowl.
Dale
(while urinating) Oh, my god. (flushes toilet) Oh, there we go.
Kurt
Shh! Shh!
Dale
Oh, shit! Sorry.
Kurt
Shh! It's okay.
Dale
Sorry, I always flush.
Kurt
It's all right.
Dale
Okay. I'm just gonna wash my hands really quick.
Kurt
No! What are you gonna wash your hands for?
Dale
Huh?
Kurt
Why are you gonna wash your hands?
Dale
I always wash my hands.
Kurt
You have gloves on.
Dale
I know, but probably, you know some stuff gets under there.
Kurt
Fine, fine, just be quiet.
Dale
Let me just wash them really quick. I'll feel better about them.
Kurt
Okay, okay.
Kurt
Shh! Shh!
Kurt
Oh, my God, Dale, stop it.
Dale
Huh?
Kurt
There is--there is literally no element of sneak in anything you're doing.
Dale
It's just gross not to.
Kurt
Oh, I gotta go now too.
Dale
You gotta go?
Kurt
Yeah.
Dale
Do you golf with the other hand? Shh! Don't whistle!
Kurt
I have to. The only way to get this train going. (continues whistling)
Dale
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Dale
Why did you flush?!
Kurt
It just happens!
Dale
Why did you flush?!
Kurt
It's a good habit!
Dale
Shit! Shh! Shh!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Detective Hatcher's Frustration with the Trio
Detective Hatcher
(after recognizing the trio in the car chase) Goddamn it! It's those idiots. (only in the extended version) I knew I never said anything about kidnapping.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nick Takes Charge of the Lookout Duty
Nick
I call lookout, and I will let you know when I see Swiper.
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Wealth Comes from Existing Wealth, Not Hard Work
Bert Hanson
You honestly think hard work creates wealth? The only thing that creates wealth is wealth. And we have it, you don't.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Discoveries in Daylight
Kurt
Will you look at this fucking view during the daytime? You kidding me? Unbelievable!
Nick
He seems gone. Bed's made.
Kurt
I can't believe this.
Dale
We should maybe just check (yelling) HEY! REX!
Nick
Hey.
Dale
REX! REX!
Nick
Dale!
Dale
Huh?
Nick
Did you have a plan if he responded?
Dale
I didn't think that far ahead.
Nick
Of course you didn't.
Kurt
I would have been just quieter.
Nick
You're even dumber in the mornings.
Kurt
What are you worried about?
Nick
Let's go.
Dale
Fifty-fifty chance, you know. Fifty-fifty chance he was here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perception of Bert's Character by Others
Detective Hatcher
(only in the extended version, about Bert) You're very forgiving. Because almost everyone I've talked to thinks he's an asshole.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Strained Relationship with Father Affects Finances
Rex Hanson
Truth be told, Pop and I...we've hit a rough patch lately. He's refusing to cover some of my expenses, blah blah blah. Long story. Anyway, your timing could not have been better.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Demanding Plea in a Hostage Situation
Detective Hatcher
(while being held hostage by Rex) You shoot this prick! You shoot this prick right now!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Empty Words and Hollow Threats
Bert Hanson
(last words) Big mouth, nothing behind it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.