Nervous Moments and Urgent Needs
Dale:
Oh, fuck, I have to piss.
Kurt:
What?
Dale:
I have to piss. I'm nervous. I have to piss. I'm sorry.
Kurt:
Shh! Go, go, pee, just pee.
Dale:
It's gonna make too much noise.
Kurt:
No, no, no. Put your--put your--just dip your dick into--into the toilet.
Dale:
Oh, sit down and do it? Okay.
Kurt:
Yeah, yeah.
Dale:
(unzips his zipper but notices...) It doesn't reach.
Kurt:
What?
Dale:
It doesn't reach. Should it reach?
Kurt:
I mean...I don't know if it's about "should", but...
Dale:
I'll put the seat up.
Kurt:
Put the--yeah, put the seat up and just dip your butt in the bowl.
Dale:
(while urinating) Oh, my god. (flushes toilet) Oh, there we go.
Kurt:
Shh! Shh!
Dale:
Oh, shit! Sorry.
Kurt:
Shh! It's okay.
Dale:
Sorry, I always flush.
Kurt:
It's all right.
Dale:
Okay. I'm just gonna wash my hands really quick.
Kurt:
No! What are you gonna wash your hands for?
Dale:
Huh?
Kurt:
Why are you gonna wash your hands?
Dale:
I always wash my hands.
Kurt:
You have gloves on.
Dale:
I know, but probably, you know some stuff gets under there.
Kurt:
Fine, fine, just be quiet.
Dale:
Let me just wash them really quick. I'll feel better about them.
Kurt:
Okay, okay.
Kurt:
Shh! Shh!
Kurt:
Oh, my God, Dale, stop it.
Dale:
Huh?
Kurt:
There is--there is literally no element of sneak in anything you're doing.
Dale:
It's just gross not to.
Kurt:
Oh, I gotta go now too.
Dale:
You gotta go?
Kurt:
Yeah.
Dale:
Do you golf with the other hand? Shh! Don't whistle!
Kurt:
I have to. The only way to get this train going. (continues whistling)
Dale:
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Dale:
Why did you flush?!
Kurt:
It just happens!
Dale:
Why did you flush?!
Kurt:
It's a good habit!
Dale:
Shit! Shh! Shh!
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Nick Takes Charge of the Lookout Duty
Nick:
I call lookout, and I will let you know when I see Swiper.
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Urgent Needs During a Car Chase
Dale:
Hey can I hop out and piss really quick?
Nick:
No you cannot. We're in a car chase.
Dale:
Super long train. I feel like I could get it done.
Kurt:
It is a lot of freight.
Dale:
I feel like I could've pissed by now.
Nick:
Let him go. Open the door. Get him out.
Dean MF Jones:
Caboose coming.
Dale:
Ah, shit!
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Discussing Wealth and Betrayal Among Friends
Nick:
Are you guys shitting me in there?
Dale:
Well, I mean, his dad sold him out for, like...honestly, it was probably nothing to him.
Kurt:
Pennies to him.
Dale:
The guy's so rich.
Kurt:
That would rock me to my core. I mean, have a little empathy, Nick. Please?
Dale:
Yeah.
Dale:
You know what's going on? You're holding a grudge right now.
Nick:
Am I?
Dale:
Yes, you do that. You get all tight, and you're going to get cancer.
Kurt:
You got to let the past be the past.
Nick:
I don't want that.
Dale:
Let the past be the past.
Nick:
Yeah. The past? Well, we're not in the fucking past. We're in the goddamn present. And you guys are...
Nick:
What are you talking about? You're acting like you have Stockholm Syndrome.
Dale:
What is that?
Kurt:
Like, jet lag?
Nick:
No.
Dale:
Dude, do I look tired to you?
Nick:
You don't, no.
Kurt:
You don't look tired to me.
Dale:
I'm fine.
Nick:
Stockholm Syndrome's when you bond with your captors, idiots.
Kurt:
Oh, okay. Well then, hold on a second. He's the hostage. So, technically, this would be reverse Stockholm Syndrome.
Nick:
Yes, true.
Dale:
Yeah, and we don't have that. Okay? He's just a really, really, really, really, really likable guy. I like him a lot.
Kurt:
He's really likable.
Dale:
He's cool. The guy's a winner.
Kurt:
That's so true.
Dale:
It's so nice to be around a winner for a change.
Kurt:
Oh, it feels right Nick! Come on, man.
Nick:
Here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna go in there. We're gonna tell him cops were never a part of this plan, and the shit ends now. Let's do it.
Nick:
Come on!
Kurt:
Okay. But you got to hear us out about festering.
Dale:
I mean, it's like you can't have a conversation with the guy.
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Confrontation Over Participation in a Plan
Nick: [[w:9 to 5 (film)|9 to 5]
Guys, I'm not gonna kidnap someone based on ].
Kurt:
Ooh, snap.
Dale:
That's right, you're the scaredy-cat one. You're always the last to man up about everything. You're dragging your feet.
Dale:
Wh-why are you here if you're not gonna participate?
Nick:
First of all, if anyone, I'm the smart one. I'm Lily Tomlin. But I'm not having this conversation
Kurt:
Holly, please, I'm Lily fucking Tomlin, if anybody is. Sitting in the big chair, giving David O. Russell shit.
Dale:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's got the tude. He's got the tude. You're Fonda, man.
Kurt:
You're Jane Fonda. That makes you Jane Fonda.
Nick:
(to Dale) That makes you Dolly Parton.
Kurt:
Ooh.
Dale:
Great. Woman's got her own theme park. She's a national treasure.
Kurt:
She has two national treasures.
Dean MF Jones:
Can I pose a question to you colonizers?
Nick:
Happened a long time ago.
Dean MF Jones:
How do you kidnap somebody without them knowing they've been kidnapped?
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Unexpected Call from a Blocked Number
Dale:
Hey, what's that? Who's calling you?
Kurt:
I don't know. It's blocked.
Nick:
(realizes Kurt has the dark phone) Oh, no.
Kurt:
(answers phone) Hello.
Nick:
(right behind Kurt) Hi.
Kurt:
Who is this?
Nick:
It's me, dickless! (angrily slams phone to the ground)
Kurt:
Hey, what are you doing? You're supposed to call the dark phone.
Nick:
I did! You've got it in your hand. You were supposed to tape that under the bench.
Kurt:
Oh...
Dale:
Oh, shit! So, what phone does he have?!
Nick:
Bert has Kurt's phone, with our contact information on it.
Dale:
(starts to hit Kurt) And all the pictures of us from when we used to be friends? Are you kidding me?!
Kurt:
Easy, easy, easy. Knock it off! Okay, look, this is no big deal, all right? We'll just punt. We'll do it tomorrow. All right? I mean, as long as we don't call the phone, he'll never find it.
Nick:
He found it.
Kurt:
What? How? We are screwed. Shit!
Dale:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I got an idea.
Dale:
Okay, I'm gonna call that phone. If he's talking on it, he's not gonna look through it.
Kurt:
Yes! Call my phone.
Dale:
All right. All right. What's your number? What's your number?
Kurt:
You don't know my phone number?
Dale:
I don't know my phone number.
Kurt:
Well, I don't know it. I never call myself.
Nick:
I know both of your numbers. Area code 323...
Kurt:
That's all I need. That's all I need.
Dale:
Okay yes.
Kurt:
I got there. I got there. Here we go. Here we go. Okay. Ahem.
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Unexpected Discoveries in Daylight
Kurt:
Will you look at this fucking view during the daytime? You kidding me? Unbelievable!
Nick:
He seems gone. Bed's made.
Kurt:
I can't believe this.
Dale:
We should maybe just check (yelling) HEY! REX!
Nick:
Hey.
Dale:
REX! REX!
Nick:
Dale!
Dale:
Huh?
Nick:
Did you have a plan if he responded?
Dale:
I didn't think that far ahead.
Nick:
Of course you didn't.
Kurt:
I would have been just quieter.
Nick:
You're even dumber in the mornings.
Kurt:
What are you worried about?
Nick:
Let's go.
Dale:
Fifty-fifty chance, you know. Fifty-fifty chance he was here.
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A Demanding Plea in a Hostage Situation
Detective Hatcher:
(while being held hostage by Rex) You shoot this prick! You shoot this prick right now!
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Detective Hatcher's Frustration with the Trio
Detective Hatcher:
(after recognizing the trio in the car chase) Goddamn it! It's those idiots. (only in the extended version) I knew I never said anything about kidnapping.
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Questioning the Concept of Kidnapping
Detective Hatcher:
Who said anything about kidnapping?
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Perception of Bert's Character by Others
Detective Hatcher:
(only in the extended version, about Bert) You're very forgiving. Because almost everyone I've talked to thinks he's an asshole.
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Strained Relationship with Father Affects Finances
Rex Hanson:
Truth be told, Pop and I...we've hit a rough patch lately. He's refusing to cover some of my expenses, blah blah blah. Long story. Anyway, your timing could not have been better.
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Empty Words and Hollow Threats
Bert Hanson:
(last words) Big mouth, nothing behind it!
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Wealth Comes from Existing Wealth, Not Hard Work
Bert Hanson:
You honestly think hard work creates wealth? The only thing that creates wealth is wealth. And we have it, you don't.
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Pursuing the American Dream Through Hard Work
Bert Hanson:
I respect you gentlemen for wanting to roll up your sleeves and build something, stake your claim. Now I came to this country with nothing. And through risk and hard work, I made my own American dream come true.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
