Name: Horse Feathers
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Released: 1932-08-19
Duration: 68 min
Rating: 6.9
Cast: Groucho Marx, Harpo Marx, Chico Marx, Zeppo Marx, Thelma Todd

Horse Feathers

Family Questions Among Friends

Baravelli You gotta brother?

[trying to lure Mullen and McHardie away]

Mullen No.

Baravelli You gotta sister?

Mullen Yeah.

Baravelli Well-a, your sister, she's a very sick man. You'd better come with us.

Mullen Yeah? What happened to her?

Baravelli She hadda accident in her automobile.

MacHardie Ah, she has no automobile.

Baravelli Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I no look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.

Mullen You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.

Baravelli That's all right. We no got a car. Come on.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Horse Feathers

Balancing Education and Football in College

Wagstaff This college is a failure. The trouble is, we're neglecting football for education.

The Professors Exactly, the professor is right.

[in unison]

Wagstaff Oh, I'm right, am I? Well, I'm not right. I'm wrong. I just said that to test ya. Now I know where I'm at. I'm dealing with a couple of snakes. What I meant to say was that there's too much football and not enough education.

The Professors That's what I think.

Wagstaff Oh, you do, do you? Well, you're wrong again. If there was a snake here I'd apologize. Where would this college be without football? Have we got a stadium?

The Professors Yes.

Wagstaff Have we got a college?

The Professors Yes.

Wagstaff Well, we can't support both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.

The Professors But Professor. Where will the students sleep?

Wagstaff Where they always sleep. In the classroom.

Secretary Oh, Professor. The Dean of Science wants to know how soon you can see him. He says he's tired of cooling his heels out here.

Wagstaff Tell him I'm cooling a couple of heels in here. Where were we? Oh, yeah. How much am I payin you fellas?

Professor $5,000 a year, but we've never been paid.

Wagstaff Well, in that case, I'll raise you to $8,000. And a bonus. Bring your dog around, and I'll give him a bonus, too.

Secretary The Dean is furious. He's waxing wroth.

Wagstaff Is Roth out there, too? Tell Roth to wax the Dean for a while. It's that bad, huh?

[a nudge from one of the professors snaps him back to reality]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Horse Feathers

A Day of Drifting and Dreaming

Wagstaff This is the first time I've been out in a canoe since I saw ].

[[w:An American Tragedy (film)|The American Tragedy]

Connie Oh, you're perfectly safe, Professor, in this boat.

Wagstaff I don't know. I was going to get a flat bottom but the girl at the boat house didn't have one.

Connie Well you know, Professor, I could go on like this, drifting and dreaming forever. What a day! Spring in the air.

Wagstaff Who, me? I should spring in the air and fall in the lake?

Connie Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy.

Wagstaff Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes.

[he adjusts his jacket, and a piece of paper falls from his pocket into the lake; he grabs an oar and tries to pull it back]

Connie Oh, is that important?

[tries to help him]

Wagstaff Is it important?! Those are the football signals! Let em go. Luckily, I've got a duplicate set in my pocket. I always carry two of everything- this is the first time I've ever been out with one woman.

[a duck begins eating the signals, Wagstaff sits down again]

Connie Oh, you mean you take two girls out every time?

Wagstaff Particularly in an automobile- I hate to see a girl walk home alone.

[nods]

Connie Do you know, Professor, I've never seen football signals? Do you think a little girl like me could understand them?

Wagstaff I think a little girl like you would understand practically anything.

Connie Is gweat big stwong man gonna show liddle icky baby all about the bad footbawl signals?

Wagstaff Was that you or the duck? Cause if it was you, I'm gonna finish this ride with the duck.

[startled]

Connie If icky baby don't learn about the footbawl signals, icky baby gonna cwy.

Wagstaff If icky girl keep on tawking that way, big stwong man gonna kick all her teef wight down her thwoat.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Horse Feathers

Father-Son Discourse on College Life

Frank Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.

Wagstaff My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible. What's all this talk I hear about you fooling around with the college widow? No wonder you can't get out of college. Twelve years in one college! I went to three colleges in twelve years and fooled around with three college widows! When I was your age, I went to bed right after supper. Sometimes I went to bed before supper. Sometimes I went without my supper and didn't go to bed at all! A college widow stood for something in those days. In fact, she stood for plenty.

Frank There's nothing wrong between me and the college widow.

Wagstaff There isn't, huh? Then you're crazy to fool around with her.

Frank Aw, but you don't...

Wagstaff I don't want to talk to you again about this, you snob. I'd horsewhip you, if I had a horse. You may go now. Leave your name and address with the girl outside, and if anything turns up we'll get in touch with you...Where you going?

Frank Well, you just told me to go.

Wagstaff So that's what they taught you in college. Just when I tell you to go, you leave me! You know you can't leave a schoolroom without raising your hand no matter where you're going.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Horse Feathers

Mrs. Moskowitz's Twins Announcement

Quincy Adams Wagstaff Last week at this same hour I told you that Mrs. Moskowitz was expecting a blessed event. Well, last night Mrs. Moskowitz had twins. O-kay Mr Moskowitz!

[impromptu radio announcement during the football match; blows siren whistle]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Horse Feathers

The Quest for the Password

Baravelli Who are you?

[at the speakeasy door]

Wagstaff I'm fine thanks, who are you?

Baravelli I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.

Wagstaff Well, what is the password?

Baravelli Aw, no! You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.

Wagstaff Is it Mary?

Baravelli Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.

Wagstaff She isn't, well, she drinks like one. Let me see. Is it sturgeon?

Baravelli Hey you crazy! Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.

Wagstaff I got it! Haddock!

Baravelli That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.

Wagstaff What do you take for a haddock?

Baravelli Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a ].

[[w:Mercury(I) chloride|calomel]

Wagstaff Say, I'd walk a mile for a calomel.

Baravelli You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it.

Baravelli Hey, what-sa matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say swordfish. Now I'll give you one more guess.

Wagstaff Swordfish, swordfish. I think I got it. Is it swordfish'?

[to himself; to Baravelli]

Baravelli Hah! That's-a it! You guess it!

Wagstaff Pretty good, eh?

Wagstaff Whatta you want?

Baravelli I wanna come in

Wagstaff What's the password?

Baravelli Ahh, you're no foolin me. Swordfish.

Wagstaff No, I got tired of that. I changed it.

[shuts the portal]

Baravelli What's the password now?

[knocks on the portal again]

Wagstaff Gee, I forgot it. I'd better come outside with you.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Horse Feathers

Identifying Miss Bailey in Horse Feathers

Wagstaff Are you Miss Bailey? Come, come! One of us is Miss Bailey, and I'm not!

Connie I'm Miss Bailey, and who are you?

Wagstaff I'm Professor Wagstaff. Who are you?

[He pulls out an invisible calling card]

Connie Miss Bailey!

Wagstaff Ah, then you are Miss Bailey! Thought you could slip one over on me, didn't you? Listen, Madam, you've got to give my son up.

Connie Give him up?

Wagstaff You can't take him from me! He's all I've got in the world, except a picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware.

Connie But, Professor, I...

Wagstaff Whatever you say is a lie! He's only a shell of his former self which nobody can deny. Whoopee! I tell you, you're ruining that boy, you're ruining him. Did my son tell you you have beautiful eyes?

[sitting in her lap]

Connie Why, yes.

Wagstaff Told me that, too! Tells that to everyone he meets! Oh, I love sitting on your lap. I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Horse Feathers

Classroom Antics and Unexpected Guests

Wagstaff Have they started sawing a woman in half yet?

[enters a biology classroom]

Biology professor Why, Mr. President, this is indeed an honor! What brings you here?

Wagstaff A bicycle, but I left it in the hallway. Do you have two empty dunce seats in here? I brought you two empty dunces. Come in, dunces! Here they are- ten cents a dunce. Now all you need is a bowl of cherries.

[Baravelli and Pinky enter; Baravelli gives the professor an apple, Pinky gives him a watermelon]

Biology teacher Er- find yourselves a couple of seats. Now, let us go on with our lecture.

[Pinky and Baravelli sit down, kiss the girls on either side of them, accidentally kiss each other, start a fight, then sit down again]

Wagstaff I wish you'd go on without your lecture.

[looking down a microscope]

Biology teacher ... What do you think of that slide?

Wagstaff Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.

Biology teacher Now, let us examine the circulatory system. Here is the liver.

Wagstaff What! No bacon! I'd send that back if I were you.

Biology teacher The liver, if neglected, invariably leads to ]. Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis.

[[w:cirrhosis|cirrhosis]

Baravelli Sure. So roses are red. So violets are blue. So sugar is sweet. So so are you.

Wagstaff I can't see him, but I bet I know who it is.

Biology teacher For the protection of the heart, or cardium, Mother Nature has provided a sac, called the pericardium. Any questions?

Baravelli Yes. When you gonna cut the watermelon open?

Wagstaff Is this stuff on the level or are you just making it up as you go along? My feet are getting tired from this walk.

Biology teacher Why, everything I told you can be found in the simplest text book on anatomy. I'm sure my students will bear me out.

Baravelli We'll bear you out!

[stands up]

Wagstaff Let that be a lesson to all of you: this school was here before you came, and it'll be here before you go. And you too, ya numbskull!

[to the students]

Wagstaff Let us follow a corpuscle on its journey. Oh, my mistake, I thought I was a corpuscle. As you know, there is constant warfare between the red and white corpuscles. Now then, baboons, what is a corpuscle?

[suddenly grabs his bag and cap, heads for the door, then stops]

Baravelli That's easy. First is-a captain, then is-a lieutenant, then is-a corpuscle.

Wagstaff That's fine. Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? We now find ourselves among the Alps. The Alps are a very simple people living on a diet of rice and old shoes. Beyond the Alps lies more Alps and the Lord Alps those that Alps themselves. We then come to the bloodstream. The blood rushes from the head down to the feet, gets a look at those feet, and rushes back to the head again. This is known as auction pinochle. Now in studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart's beat. And if your hearts beat anything but diamonds and clubs, it's because your partner is cheating - or your wife...Now take this point for instance - That reminds me, I haven't seen my son all day. Well, the human body takes many strange forms. Now here is a most unusual organ. The organ will play a solo immediately after the feature picture. Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord, who won't cut the rent. And what do they find? Asparagus! Now, on closer examination... Hmm! This needs closer examination. In fact, it needs a nightgown. Baravelli, who's responsible for this? Is this your picture?

[He points to a horse's ass placed over an anatomy chart - a picture of Pinky's beloved horse that he placed there when Wagstaff wasn't looking; removes the horse poster; Pinky has now placed a picture of his ballerina beauty over Wagstaff's anatomy chart]

Baravelli I no think so. It doesn't look like me.

Wagstaff Well, take it outta here immediately, and hang it up in my bedroom. Now then, out with it! Who did it? Oh, so you're the culprit! Young man, as you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends! Well, I was wrong- I knew there was something you couldn't burn at both ends, I thought it was a candle. However, you must be punished. Just for that, you stay after school!

[Pinky stands up, a guilty look on his face; Pinky proves him wrong by pulling, from his pocket, a candle burning at both ends; points to a pretty girl next to Pinky]

Student But Professor, I didn't do anything!

Wagstaff I know, but there's no fun keeping him after school!

[grins]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Horse Feathers

Humorous Insult on Intelligence

Quincy Adams Wagstaff You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

[to Baravelli]

Horse Feathers

Identity Confusion in Academia

Wagstaff I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College.

[offers an invisible calling card]

Baravelli That means nothing to me.

Wagstaff Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College.

[offers another card]

Baravelli Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long.

Horse Feathers

Opposition to Unfamiliar Ideas

Quincy Adams Wagstaff I don't know what they have to say.It makes no difference anyway.Whatever it is, I'm against it.

[singing]

Horse Feathers

Consequences of Defeat and the Importance of Action

Quincy Adams Wagstaff Do you realize what happens if we lose? It means shame! Disgrace! Humiliation! And besides, you're crazy if you don't play the ace!

[to Baravelli and Pinky, who have abandoned the football match in favor of playing cards]

Horse Feathers

Chaos and Confusion in College Leadership

Wagstaff Members of the faculty, faculty members, students of Huxley and Huxley students - I guess that covers everything. Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard this speech. And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself. As I look over your eager faces, I can readily understand why this college is flat on its back. The last college I presided over, things were slightly different. I was flat on my back. Things kept going from bad to worse but we all put our shoulders to the wheel and it wasn't long before I was flat on my back again. Any questions? Any answers? Any rags? Any bones? Any bottles today? Any rags? Let's have some action around here. Who'll say 76? Who'll say 17 76? That's the spirit! 1776!

Wagstaff Young lady. Would you mind getting up so I can see the son rise? So, doing your homework in school, eh?

[to a woman sitting on his son's lap]

Retiring President I am sure the students would appreciate a brief outline of your plans for the future.

Wagstaff What?

Retiring President I said the students would appreciate a brief outline of your plans for the future.

Wagstaff You just said that! That's the trouble around here: talk, talk, talk! Oh, sometimes I think I must go mad. Where will it all end? What is it getting you? Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she'll never know the difference. Pull over to the side of the road there and let me see your marriage license.

Retiring President President Wagstaff, now that you've stepped into my shoes...

Wagstaff Oh, is that what I stepped in? I wondered what it was. If these are your shoes, the least you could do was have them cleaned.

Horse Feathers

Plumber's Joke After Two Decades

Quincy Adams Wagstaff I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes. That's the first time I've used that joke in 20 years.

[about Connie; To the audience]

Horse Feathers

Disappointment in Parental Expectations

Frank It isn't right for a college to buy football players.

Wagstaff It isn't, eh? Well, I'll nip that in the bud. How about coming along and having a nip yourself?

Frank Anything further, Father?

Wagstaff Anything further, Father? That can't be right. Isn't it Anything Father, further? The idea! I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.

Horse Feathers

Humorous Exchange About Singing and Teeth

Baravelli You sing high, huh?

Connie Yes,I have a falsetto voice.

Baravelli My grandmother, she's got a falsetto teeth.

Horse Feathers

Appreciating Music and Seeking Adventure

Jennings I love good music.

Wagstaff So do I. Let's get out of here!

Horse Feathers

A Humorous Take on Kidnapping Experience

Wagstaff Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?

Baravelli You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call them up on the telephone, then I send them my chauffeur.

Wagstaff Oh, have you got a chauffeur? What kind of car have you got?

Baravelli Oh no, I no gotta car, I just gotta chauffeur.

Wagstaff Well maybe I'm crazy, but if you've got a chauffeur, aren't you supposed to have a car?

Baravelli Well-ah you see it costs too much money to keep a car and a chauffeur so I sold the car.

Wagstaff Well, that shows you how little I know. I would have kept the car and sold the chauffeur.

Baravelli That's-a no good. I gotta have a chauffeur to take me to work in the morning.

Wagstaff Well, if you've got no car, how can he take you to work?

Baravelli He don't have to take me to work. I no gotta job.

Wagstaff Baravelli. This is the finish. How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Horse Feathers

Unexpected News of Mrs. Moskowitz's Twins

Quincy Adams Wagstaff Last week at this same hour I told you Mrs. Moskowitz was expecting a blessed event. Well, last night Mrs.Moskowitz had twins. O-KAY! MISTER MOSKOWITZ!!

[blows a "crazy whistle"]

Horse Feathers Quotes