Hot Fuzz Quotes

Nicholas Angel Sergeant Butterman, the little hand says it's time to rock and roll.

Danny Butterman Supercop. Meet the cop that can't be stopped.

Danny Butterman He's fuck-ugly.

Nicholas Angel I won't argue that it wasn't a no-holds-barred adrenaline-fuelled thrill-ride, but there's no way that you could perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.

Nicholas Angel This shit just got real!

Nicholas Angel P.I. Staker... Right. Pisstaker! Come on!

Met Sergeant Hello, Nicholas.

Nicholas Angel Hello, Sergeant.

Met Sergeant How's the hand?

Nicholas Angel Still a bit stiff.

Met Sergeant (sniffs deeply) It can get awfully hairy out there. I'm surprised you weren't snapped up sooner for a nice desk job, that's what I did.

Nicholas Angel I like to think of my office as out on the street.

Met Sergeant Indeed you do. Your arrest record is... (opens a page on his desk with his right hand, reads from it) 400% higher than any other officer (closes page), which is high time such...skills were put to better use. We're making you Sergeant.

Nicholas Angel (grinning slightly) I see.

Met Sergeant (quickly and quietly) In Sandford, Gloucestershire.

Nicholas Angel In where, sorry?

Met Sergeant In Sandford, Gloucestershire.

Nicholas Angel (taking the new information in) That's... in the country.

Met Sergeant Yes, lovely.

Nicholas Angel Isn't there a Sergeant's position here in London?

Met Sergeant (laughs briefly) No.

Nicholas Angel Can I remain here as a PC?

Met Sergeant (throws his hands up in the air) No.

Nicholas Angel (sternly) Do I have any choice in this?

Met Sergeant Neewww.

Nicholas Angel Sergeant, I kinda like it here.

Met Sergeant Well, you've always wanted a transfer to the country.

Nicholas Angel In twenty years or so, yes.

Met Sergeant Well done you.

Nicholas Angel (thinks briefly) Hang on, I don't remember telling you that.

Met Sergeant Yes, you did. (He leans over to his desk) You said (He cocks his head to one side and opens a corner of a thick document on his desk; reading from the document, quickly and quietly) "I'd love to settle in the country sometime, Janine." (He closes his document and looks at Nicholas)

Nicholas Angel (Thinks carefully; sternly) I'd like to talk to the Inspector.

Met Sergeant (leans forward to his desk phone/intercom) You can speak to the Inspector, but I can assure you, he will tell you exactly the same thing as I have. (He picks up the desk phone handset with his left hand, throws it into his right hand, and uses his left hand to dial the Met Inspector's number)

Nicholas Angel Hey biggun'. Playtime's over.

Danny Butterman Is it true that there is a place in a man's head that, if you shoot it, it will blow up?

Simon Skinner Absolute tosh, wasn't it? It's annoying that the understudies are actually professional actors. Greg over there was an extra in Straw Dogs and Sheri portrayed a cadaver in Prime Suspect.

Danny Butterman You're off the fuckin chain!

Met Inspector (sliding into the desk, next to the Met Sergeant) Hello, Nicholas. How's the hand?

Nicholas Angel It's still a bit stiff.

Met Inspector And how are things at home?

Nicholas Angel I'm sorry, sir?

Met Inspector (jovially) How's Janine?

Nicholas Angel We're no longer together, sir.

Met Inspector Right, well, then where are you living?

Met Sergeant (leans over to Met Inspector; quietly) He's staying at the Section House, sir.

Met Inspector With the recruits?

Met Sergeant (looks into Nicholas's eyes) Yes, he's living out of cardboard boxes.

Met Inspector Well then, you're packed already. Nicholas, we're offering you a smashing position with a delightful cottage in a lovely little place that has I think has won Village of the Year...I don't know how many times. It'll be good for you.

Nicholas Angel (beat, then) I...don't really know what to say.

Met Inspector Yes"?

Met Sergeant (arrogantly) "Yes, thank you"? (He laughs briefly.)

Nicholas Angel (shakes his head slowly) No, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to...

Met Inspector You want to...take this higher? (points up)

Nicholas Angel (realising that's what he wants) Yes, yes, I do.

Met Inspector You want me to bother the Chief Inspector about this?

Nicholas Angel Yes.

Nicholas Angel Yes, I do.

Met Inspector Okay. Kenneth!

Simon Skinner Ooooow...Thith...really...hurtth.... I'm...going...to need thome...icee... creeeeeam....

Nicholas Angel That's just going to scare it.

Simon Skinner I'm a slasher, and I must be stopped!

Nicholas Angel What's the matter, Danny? Never taken a shortcut before?

Simon Skinner GET! OUT! OF MY! VILLAGE! , .

Nicholas Angel You're a doctor. Deal with it!

Met. Sergeant narrating Police Constable Nicholas Angel: born, schooled in London. Graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in Politics and Sociology. Attended Hendon College of Police Training and displayed great attitude in field exercises, notably Urban Pacification and Riot Control. Academically excelled in theoretical coursework and final year examinations. Received the Baton of Honour, graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service and quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving and advanced cycling. Became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities and to this day holds the Met record for the hundred metre dash. In 2001, he began active duty with the renowned SO19 Armed Response Unit and received a Bravery Award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last twelve months, he has received nine special commendations, achieved highest arrest record for any officer in the Met and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas.

Joyce Cooper I hope you had a pleasant trip—fascist!

Reverend Phillip Shooter Fuck off, grasshopper! Jesus Christ!

Sgt. Tony Fisher Hang about, hang about... you're saying this wasn't an accident?

Sgt. Tony Fisher Very good. What he said.

DC Andy Cartwright You wanna be a big cop in a small town? Fuck off up the model village!

DS Andy Wainwright Murder, murder, murder. Change the fucking record!

Sgt. Turner You really want to, process all this lot? My pen's runnin out.

Michael Armstrong AKA Lurch Yarp.

Sgt. Turner Oh, Sgt. Angel, someone from London called for you. I'll tell em you'll ring em back.

PC Doris Thatcher Nothing like a bit o girl-on-girl.

Sgt. Turner #2 I dunno, nobody tells me nothin'.

Tom Weaver You know what you are? A BLOODY BUSYBODY!

Danny Butterman Do you want anything from the shop?

Danny Butterman What made you wanna be a policeman-officer?

Simon Skinner My, my. Here come the Fuzz.

Nicholas Angel Excuse me.

Underage Drinker What?

Nicholas Angel When's your birthday?

Underage Drinker 22nd of February.

Nicholas Angel What year?

Underage Drinker Every year.

Nicholas Angel Get out.

Nicholas Angel YOU! When's your birthday?

Underage Drinker #2 Uh... 8th of May, 1969?

Nicholas Angel You're 37?

Underage Drinker #2 Yeah?

Nicholas Angel Get out!

Nicholas Angel When's your birthday?

Underage Drinker #3 Errr--

Nicholas Angel OUT!

Simon Skinner Stay back! Or the ginger-nut gets it! Ow! You little FUCKER!

Simon Skinner I'm sure if we bashed your head in, all sorts of secrets would come tumbling out...

Danny Butterman Bring the noise!

Nicholas Angel By the power of Greyskull...

Danny Butterman Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone "ahhrgh"?

Nicholas Angel (whilst chasing Frank Butterman) PUNCH-THAT-SHIT!

Danny Butterman By the power of Greyskull!

Chief Inspector I know what you're going to say, Nicholas, but the fact is you've been making us all look bad.

Nicholas Angel I'm sorry, sir?

Chief Inspector Of course, we all appreciate your efforts, but you've been rather letting the side down.

Met Inspector It's all about being a team player, Nicholas.

Met Sergeant You can't be the Sheriff of London.

Chief Inspector If we let you carry on running around town, you'll continue to be exceptional... and we can't have that. You'll put us all out of a job.

Nicholas Angel With respect, sir, you can't just make people disappear.

Chief Inspector Yyyes I can, I'm the Chief Inspector

Nicholas Angel Well, however you spin this, there's one thing you haven't taken into account... and that's what the team is gonna make of this!