In the Loop (2009) - Quotes

Confrontation in a Tense Political Setting

Malcolm Tucker: I'm sorry... I don't... This situation here... Is this it? No offense, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a fucking toilet.

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Humorous Critique of Meeting Etiquette

Simon Foster: [impersonating Toby] I don't want to have to read you the Riot Act here. But I am going to have to read you some extracts from the Riot Act. Like "Section 1, Paragraph 1: Don't leave your boss twisting in the wind, then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey." "The British are coming!

Toby Wright: Okay, okay, Simon, I was late for the meeting. I am sorry. But it's not like I threw up in there, is it?

Simon Foster: No, you're right. I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done. You're a star. And you didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your dick out, start plucking it and shouting, "Willy Banjo!" No, I'm being really unfair. You got so much right...without actually being there for the beginning of one of the most important moments in my career. Thanks. You're a legend.

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Opinions on Glass Offices in London

Linton Barwick: My golly, I can't see why anyone would choose to work in a glass office, huh? Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts.

Bob Adriano: I could request the glass be frosted.

Linton Barwick: Frosting is on cakes, huh? Now, what else happened in London?

Bob Adriano: Ah, generally positive, two glitches...

Linton Barwick: Really? What?

Bob Adriano: Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers, she's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP.

Linton Barwick: PWIP what?

Bob Adriano: PWIP PIP.

Linton Barwick: What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for?

Bob Adriano: I can't recall. It's factish—intel for and against intervention.

Linton Barwick: We have all the facts on this we need. We don't need any more facts. In the land of truth, my friend... the man with one fact is the king.

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Rehearsing Detachment in Political Discourse

Malcolm Tucker: Karen Clark will want you to say that war is unforeseeable, and Linton Barwick will want you to talk about the "climb the mountain of conflict" line. You say nothing, okay? You stay detached, otherwise that's what I'll do to your retinas.

Simon Foster: Right, can I go to bed now, please?

Malcolm Tucker: No, no, no, no, no! You're gonna stay here, and you're gonna rehearse saying nothing!

Simon Foster: Am I being tortured?

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Witty Banter Across Time Zones

Malcolm Tucker: [[w:I_Am_The_Walrus|I'm the egg man.] I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking everywhere. ]

Simon Foster: Have you come to insult me in a different timezone?

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Escalating Tensions in a Frustrating Situation

Simon Foster: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK! Why didn't we nail the line?!

Judy Molloy: Simon, I did try to warn you.

Simon Foster: Yes! Yes! You did try to warn me, but you don't actually stop me, did you?!

Judy Molloy: I can't tackle you to the ground!

Simon Foster: That's like shouting "Train!" as someone gets hit by a train! You should go, "Train! It's a fucking train!

Judy Molloy: [her phone rings] Bollocks!

Simon Foster: [his phone rings also] Fuck, it's Malcolm!

Judy Molloy: Mine's Malcolm, too.

Simon Foster: How does he do that?

Malcolm Tucker: [talking on two mobiles] Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government via the news unless they've just died. Be here, now!

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A Lesson in Direct Communication

Malcolm Tucker: [to Toby] Hey, foetus boy, lesson one: If I tell you to fuck off, what do you do?

Toby Wright: Umm... Eff off?

Malcolm Tucker: You'll go far! Now fuck off.

Toby Wright: [leaves the room] Right.

Simon Foster: Judy and I were thinking that I could row back on Question Time tonight—

Malcolm Tucker: You're not going on Question Time, you've been disinvited.

Simon Foster: We've been prepping Question Time!

Judy Molloy: Why wasn't I told about this?

Malcolm Tucker: Why the fuck would I tell you it?! I've told you to fuck off twice, and yet you're still here!

Judy Molloy: You should tell me about it because it's a scheduled media appearance by this department's secretary of state, so therefore it falls well within my purview!

Malcolm Tucker: Within your purview"?

Judy Molloy: Yes!

Malcolm Tucker: [[Jane Austen|Jane fucking Austen] Where do you think you are, in some fucking regency costume drama?! This is a government department! Not a fucking ] novel!

Simon Foster: Malcolm...

Malcolm Tucker: Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your "purview" and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse-cock!

Judy Molloy: [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury] Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me, those kids make you sound like... ]!

Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon] She's married? Poor bastard.

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Unexpected Visitor Arrives Without Warning

Simon Foster: Who was that?

Judy Molloy: Malcolm. He's coming to see you.

Simon Foster: Oh shit, he's still alive. When's he due?

Malcolm Tucker: [Entering the room] Now. And don't say you weren't prepared, because I rang ahead.

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The Unpredictability of War

Simon Foster: [In a radio interview] Well, personally, I think that war is unforeseeable.

Malcolm Tucker: Sam! Sam!

Eddie Mair: [On radio] Unforeseeable"?

Simon Foster: [On radio] Yes.

Malcolm Tucker: No, you do not think that! Sam, I'm going to have to go to International Development and pull Simon Foster's fucking hair.

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Coordination of Millennium Goals in Press Release

Judy Molloy: Mark, you're coordinating the millennium goals on the press release, aren't you?

Mark: Yes.

Judy Molloy: Coordinate it better, please.

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The Dangers of Civilian Perspectives on War

Chad: You couldn't write a paper that clashes more with the current climate if you were trying. And it seems like you almost were trying.

General Miller: [pause] This is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. Once you've been there, once you've seen it, you never want to go again unless you absolutely fucking have to. It's like France.

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Builders in Heroic Narratives

Jamie MacDonald: What did you expect? They're BUILDERS! Have-- have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No? No, because they never FUCKING TURN UP IN THE NICK OF TIME! Batbuilder? Spider-builder? Huh? That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!

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Kid Gloves Made from Real Kids

Jamie MacDonald: Y'know me, Malc. Kid gloves, but made from real kids.

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Differentiating Politics from Agriculture's Calmness

Toby Wright: It's a bit manic, it's not like Agriculture. People rarely get this swear-y about wheat.

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Advice on Navigating Diplomatic Relations

Toby Wright: Good luck at the Foreign Office, try not to annoy Russia.

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Frustration in Political Engagement

Simon Foster: [[Simon Cowell] Meeting my constituents? It's like being ] but without the ability to say "Fuck off, you're mental.

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Hope for Peace Amidst Chaos

Simon Foster: [[w:2012 Summer Olympics|Olympics] I really hope there isn't a war. It's gonna be a nightmare; it's bad enough dealing with the fucking ].

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Malcolm's Creation of a Psychopath

Judy Molloy: [about Jamie MacDonald] You know, my theory is that Malcolm built him in a lab out of bits of old psychopaths.

Political Childishness in Washington D.C.

Judy Molloy: [[w:Bugsy Malone|Bugsy Malone] They're all kids in Washington. It's like ] but with real guns.

A Bold Expression of Frustration

Malcolm Tucker: [to the Passer-by] Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck!

Confronting Boredom with Brutal Honesty

Malcolm Tucker: [to Linton Barwick] You know, I've come across a lot of psychos, but none as fucking boring as you! I mean, you are a real boring fuck! Sorry, I know you disapprove of the swearing, so I'll sort that. You are a boring F-star-star-CUNT.

Insulting Charm in Diplomatic Discourse

Malcolm Tucker: [to Sir Jonathan Tutt] Mr Ambassador, with your big baldy head, you are spoiling us!

Threatening Expression of Frustration

Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon Foster] You know, if I could, I'd fucking punch you into paralysis!

Work Ethic and Exhaustion in Politics

Malcolm Tucker: You sure you're working as hard as me? Cause I'm sweating spinal fluid here! I'm a fucking husk!

Malcolm Tucker's Frustration with Simon

Malcolm Tucker: Christ on a bendy-bus, Simon, don't be such a fucking faff-arse.

Confronting Conflict with Harsh Critique

Malcolm Tucker: [[Julie Andrews] Climb the mountain of conflict"? You know what you sounded like? You sounded like a fucking Nazi ]!

Coup d'état with goons available

Malcolm Tucker: [[The Pentagon|Pentagon] We've got enough ] goons to stage a fucking coup d'etat.

Unpredictability Described by Malcolm Tucker

Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon Foster; [Nat King Cole|Nat King fucking Cole] In the words of the late great ], unforeseeable, that's what you are.

Agreement in a Moment of Decision

Malcolm Tucker: [[w:The Diary of a Nobody|diarrhea of a nobody] Yeah, ]. Yeah, I like that.

Media Forces of Darkness and Consequences

Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon Foster] I will marshal all the media forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide.

Malcolm Tucker's Frustration and Demands

Malcolm Tucker: [On mobile phone] I'm not holding any longer. What's he waiting for, a fucking sex change? NO, YOU RELAX! Get me fucking Brian! If you don't get me fucking Brian, I'm gonna come over there, I'm gonna lock you in a fucking flotation tank, and pump it full of sewage until you fucking drown!

Malcolm Tucker's Dark Humor on Betrayal

Malcolm Tucker: [On mobile phone] Okay, okay, go ahead and print "unforeseeable." Listen, see when I tell your wife about you and Angela Heaney at the Blackpool conference, what would be best? An email, a phone call, what? Hey! I could write it on a cake with those little silver balls: "Your hack husband betrayed you on October the 4th and congratulations on the new baby." Yeah, maybe it's better to spike it. Yeah, okay, fuckity-bye!