5 quotes
Protective Warning from a Father
Pete Wagner
Hey, you ever touch, text, or think about our daughter ever again, and you're a dead man.
[after beating the adult janitor Jacob]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comment on a Barbie doll's authenticity
Ellie Wagner
This isn't even a real Barbie. You've got a real Barbie at home that Santa gave you a few weeks ago.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unprepared for Unexpected Parenting Challenges
Pete Wagner
That wasn't in the classes. I've got nothing for that.
[seeing Lita coated in ketchup and holding a SpongeBob SquarePants knife]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Bathroom Behavior Unveiled
Pete Wagner
What is she doing?
Ellie Wagner
God! She's taking naked selfies in the bathroom!
Pete Wagner
She's taking naked selfies of herself?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Thanksgiving and Family Togetherness at Christmas
Pete Wagner
We want to thank the Lord for our first Christmas together. And we want to give thanks for this lovely meal and also this, um, bounty of super fun cardboard boxes. Amen.
All
Amen.
Pete Wagner
Okay. Tuck in, everybody.
Lita Wagner
Where's my potato chips?
Pete Wagner
We're not having chips tonight, munchkin. Sorry.
Lita Wagner
I want my chips.
Ellie Wagner
Lita! Lizzy, Pete and I worked really hard on this dinner. There's lots of yummy food for you to eat.
Lita Wagner
No!
Ellie Wagner
Hey, hey, hey. Hey! Lizzy, Lizzy, please! Lizzy, no, okay? I've got this.
[Lizzy tries to intervene in Spanish]
Lizzy Wagner
Why are you yelling at me? I'm just trying to help you.
Ellie Wagner
I'm not yelling at... I'm sor... I am. Just then I was. But it's... Look. Lita, don't do what Lizzy said. What did you say? Cuatro? "Go to your bedroom"?
Pete Wagner
No, cuatro means "quart." Like quart of milk. She said, "You're not gonna have a potato chip, but you will drink that milk.
Ellie Wagner
In any case, we have this. It's fine.
Lizzy Wagner
Okay, fine.
Ellie Wagner
Okay. Let's try some of this meat loaf, okay?
Lita Wagner
NO!! I want my chips!
Ellie Wagner
You're not having chips!
Pete Wagner
I don't think she's getting on board with the plan, honey.
Lita Wagner
I don't want this!
Ellie Wagner
Hey!
Pete Wagner
You sure you don't wanna just give her some chips?
Ellie Wagner
No, we're not giving her chips! She's gonna eat...
[Lita suddenly lets out a piercing scream in a very loud manner]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.